This is my place to put my thoughts about my life out there for friends and family to see.

The truth must be told (the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth)!

Please note that this web log is not suitable for minors to read as it may at times have some disturbing and graphic parts in it.

~ Melissa ~

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 7/18/2002 08:16:00 AM ~ ~

As they say, “the sh*t has hit the fan.”

It’s obvious now that Kirc didn’t think he needed to change as long as I and our children were still around. He has also outright said that why should he change after the divorce? He obviously never had any intention of changing if he didn’t think he had to. Due to this latest incident regarding a female at his place of work as well as how he has handled things (lying to me so he could continue his “friendship” with her), I gave her a call at work (I had no idea how else to reach her).

Come to find out that she not only wasn’t interested in Kirc at all, this female did not want any attention from Kirc at all. To quote her, “he creeps me out!” Both she and at least one other co-worker knew that he was “interested” in her and not as just friends. No, they did not have lots of conversations about our marriage. That was just one of Kirc’s lies. Also, this has not only gone on for only one month but for at least several months. Yet another lie of Kirc’s. Yes, this did start long before these “talks” Kirc and I have been having starting on May 4th, before we were talking about a divorce. He tried to lie to me just today that he was supposedly trying to find someone else in the event that we were getting a divorce. What a lie! He started his little relationship with her long before that became a current issue. He has finally had to admit when I put the question directly to him, if she had also been interested in him and if he could have gotten away with it, he would indeed have had an affair with her. Based on what? Not on his feeling love for her. That didn’t exist. Not based on her loving him. He didn’t need that from her either. He would have had an affair, and lost his wife and children simply based on what his d*ck wanted. I did not threaten her nor did I make her feel like I was upset with her in any way. In fact, I went out of my way to reassure her that Kirc was the only party here that I was upset with. Part of my reason for calling her was to explain why Kirc was going to have to stop any and all contact with her (no, he doesn’t have to be around her as part of his job, at all). I’d like to think that she was relieved that he was going to be forced to leave her alone. To use her own words (this is how she felt before my phone call), she had considered going to Administration before but didn’t want Kirc to lose his job. Well, she did end up going to H.R. after my phone call. Not long after I ordered Kirc to come home (only the second ultimatum I’ve ever given him), he wrote an email to the head of H.R. to try and fend off any further damage from this to his job. Too late. This female had already gone to H.R. and Jim was in Paul’s (Kirc’s boss) office when Kirc then called Paul after sending the email to Jim. Jim hadn’t even had a chance to get nor read the email yet. It is in Kirc’s favor that he did send the email when he did. However, where it stands right now is that Kirc was told by Paul (his boss) not to come in to work Thursday (today) as Paul has a very important presentation that will take up his time and thoughts. Then Kirc is to show up in Paul’s office bright and early at 8:00 sharp Friday morning. If Kirc is lucky, Paul will put him on a probationary period making sure that Kirc knows that three strikes and he is fired. This is Kirc’s second strike in only eight days.

Now before anyone misunderstands what is going on here, know that what Kirc was doing was considered harassment by her long before my phone call to her. Even if Kirc and I weren’t married, even if he weren’t in a relationship with anyone else, what Kirc did by continuing to force his attentions on her when she had made it clear to him that she didn’t want to have anything to do with him is very likely to be considered sexual harassment. Both Kirc and I realize that Kirc may very well lose his job over this, what could have still happened even if I had never found out about her.

The possibility of losing his wife and children hasn’t phased Kirc. Nothing else has. Only now, now that Kirc’s job, the most important thing to him in the entire world, has been jeopardized by his own actions, he is finally having to start realizing that he cannot live life not giving a d*mn about other people’s feelings and rights. Society will not let him live that way. If he had not had this wake up call, Kirc would continue his anti-social behavior long after we divorce, likely continuing to blame other people when he gets negative from others due to his own actions.

I even called Kirc’s mom, Ida, yesterday, the first time I’ve talked to her ever on such a personal level. She was very supportive and thankfully told it to me like it is. I can’t do anything to make Kirc change. Only Kirc can make Kirc change. I now have to completely deal with the major changes in my life and give up any and all hope that my husband could ever be what I thought he once was, a loving, wonderful husband. I’m also tired of having to talk to a 33 year old man as if I were his mother talking to a 4 year old child. He doesn’t want to learn. He is like the 4 year old child who, when he is punished for doing wrong, he gets angry at his punisher; he does not feel bad about what he did; he does not think he needs to change. He is now risking losing his wife, his children, and even his job due to his belief that he deserves whatever he wants regardless of other people’s feelings, needs, or rights. I can’t make him change but society will show him that he cannot continue to act this way in life without paying the price.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 7/17/2002 09:09:00 AM ~ ~

Now I get it everyone. I’ve always wondered why, even after being used and abused by Laura, Kirc still chose to be infatuated with someone like Jessica Vanderveer, Celia Ogrodowski, or Kitty (all blondes who treat guys badly). For years now, I’ve looked at the fact that these females all shared certain traits, certain bad traits. Kirc never seemed to be bothered by the fact that Jessica, Celia, and Kitty have no redeeming qualities in regards to their relationships with men. He was sure to only be hurt and/or used by either one of them. I’ve also wondered why he never seemed to hold me in higher esteem than any one of them as I know for certain the person I was coming into this marriage and Kirc could have never asked for a more loving, faithful, loyal, and trusting wife than I have been. Why did their bad traits not matter to him to make him ever think negatively about them and why did my good traits not matter to him to make him love me all the more? It’s simple, really. Kirc never looked beyond the surface of any of us. What mattered most to him was how attracted he was to any one of us, how we looked, how we dressed, how much we turned him on. Now, at the time he moved out, he definitely didn’t have anything to complain about regarding me; not how I was honestly treating him, not how I was taking care of myself, not my weight, not my appearance at all, as each of these things had improved or never became negative in the first place.

Kirc says now that he sees what a good wife I have been to him (at least before I started retaliating), but I sadly feel that it is yet more lip service. What he wanted in a relationship, in a marriage, I can only imagine are the most shallow things. I thought he genuinely loved me, inside and out; that he loved not only how I looked but the kind of person I was, the way I treated him (at one time). I can never begin to compete with what he wants in a woman. Then again, why should I? I’m not going to dye my hair blonde just because he obviously prefers blondes. I’m not going to start dressing like a bimbo just because his penis wants me to. You see, that is exactly it. Even when it comes to a long-term relationship, a marriage, Kirc has let his penis do the so-called “thinking” for him. Did he ever value me as a person? The resounding answer is “NO!”

Kirc believes he has started making changes. I beg to differ. He has told me about the fact that he has been talking to a gentleman at work about our marriage. Apparently he, too, had marital problems but both men seemed intent on saving their marriages. Now, as of yesterday, I find that this other man is only bad-mouthing his wife and his marriage. What a good example that is for Kirc to have in his life right now.

Ladies and Gentlemen: is he still betraying the marriage? Often? Repeatedly? The answer is a resounding “YES!” He started talking to a woman in production at work. He, at first, tried to bullshit me into thinking that he was talking to her to get some advice for our marriage. Tell me how he’s supposed to get advice from another woman, a lesbian in fact, who might never have had any romantic relationship with a man? Then again, Kirc has obviously also been naïve enough to believe that she might only be a lesbian instead of bisexual. What was the REAL reason he was talking to her about non-work things like our marriage? Plain and simple: he was attracted to her, blonde hair and all. Now she is interested in him and wants more than these friendly little chats they’ve been having.

There’s not a chance in h*ll that he will ever apply the golden rule to his actions nor Dr. Phil’s litmus test that basically states, “Would I do this if my spouse were standing right next to me?” He might apply the rule, the only rule that he has seemed to try and follow these past 8 ½ years, that he doesn’t want to do anything that society would find out about and judge him negatively. He knows that, as long as he is married and living with me that he can’t make anyone believe that we are separated and that he could “get away with” an affair. He doesn’t give a sh*t what he does to me as long as no one outside of this house finds out.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 7/14/2002 07:10:00 PM ~ ~

“It’s hard to walk away from love. It may never come again.” from Dan Fogelberg’s song, “Hard to Say.”

I’m just freaking kidding myself that I can ever have what I need in my relationship with Kirc. I cannot let myself be ok with the fact that Kirc still held a torch for Jessica Vanderveer even after starting a relationship with me, getting engaged to me, us getting married, and, yes, even after we decided to start a family. The only reason that I’ve seen that Kirc stopped calling Jessica (assuming that he is telling the truth that he got over his obsession with her) seems to be because I found out about Celia Ogrodowski and then found the letter to Jessica. These are not good reasons. They are reasons that point to Kirc not wanting to get hurt himself, not reasons that have anything to do with him respecting my feelings or giving a d*mn about me.

Yes, I’m sure I made him feel lower than a snake’s belly from July 20 – July 31, 1993, made him feel that I wanted anyone else BUT him. After that time, I felt sorry towards him for WHAT I’D DONE TO HIM. I also humbly came back to him on groveling knees begging him to take me back. I was greeted with THE CONTRACT designed so that Kirc could exact his sweetest revenge and punishment on me. Well, he obviously got what he wanted, didn’t he? I guarantee that I was definitely punished…..IN SPADES! Has Kirc ever really thought, though, that he did anything wrong? NO, NADA, NYET, NOT EVEN, AS IF, YEAH RIGHT! Apparently, to Kirc, his feelings, his needs, his wants are the only ones that matter in this relationship which spells certain torture and pain both in the past as well as in the present and the future for me. Has Kirc, even now, especially now, tried to set things straight with me, to understand that I even have a right to feel hurt? NO, NADA, (see above)…

I had another revelation today that explains a h*ll of a lot. Even though I definitely believed that our feelings for each other from the very first date were both mutual and at the same astronomical level, subconsciously Kirc realized that he didn’t have to try very hard to win me over. As the woman says in “Jerry Maguire,” “You had me at hello.” This is because I already had feelings for him since high school. After that first night that we ran back into each other in 1989, no one could argue against the fact that we were both obviously interested in each other, to a huge degree, and that it was completely mutual, never one-sided. You see, to most people, the knowledge that they are in a secure, loving relationship should make them feel better and, hopefully, make them make sure to always treat the other person in the relationship the best they can but not Kirc. Kirc realizing subconsciously after we got married that he could always count on me to be there for him, to never leave him, to never cheat on him, to never hurt him led him to let himself do so many things that should have had me running for the door and never looking back. Why didn’t I, you may ask? Simple answer, that one, because I loved him, completely, totally, without reservation, unconditionally (at the time), and thought I had reason to believe that he felt the exact same way about me. BOY, WAS I WRONG!!!

Kirc found out in 1988, if not before, that he never had a chance of having anything but a friendship with Jessica. Combine that with her track record of using men/boys and throwing them away when she tired of them (when they no longer suited her purposes), and I see (even if Kirc and I had never gotten together) a 100% chance that Kirc was only going to get hurt by Jessica, period. Did this matter to him? No!!! What mattered was the fact that he still wanted her and that want meant more to him than his own feelings not to get hurt. It mattered to him, obviously, more than his love for me or my love for him, or the fact that he could never even hope to have Jessica love him and treat him well as I did in those early years of our relationship, how I would still be treating him if he hadn’t done so very much to me over the years that hurt me and that has affected my feelings for him as well as my treatment of him. I’m not going to candy coat anything here, guys. Yes, I became a bitch at times to him. I’m sure it goes without saying that, at times, I have been a very difficult person to live with. However, I’m comfortable in the fact that my negative behavior didn’t start until years into the relationship, years after the first negative behavior from Kirc. It’s been survival of the fittest and I have to survive just as much as Kirc needs to survive.

BTW, in case any of you were wondering, no, I haven’t become an alcoholic. After that one post that night regarding drinking, after I realized that approximately nine shots of alcohol (peppermint schnapps) wasn’t going to have a chance at numbing my feelings, not even for the time I was under the effect of the alcohol, I chose to stop and not do that to myself anymore. What was I getting out of it? Nothing good. I was literally poisoning my system in an attempt to get rid of the poison that Kirc’s lack of love for me, his lack of respect for me, his lack of caring for me as human being has done to my life.