This is my place to put my thoughts about my life out there for friends and family to see.

The truth must be told (the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth)!

Please note that this web log is not suitable for minors to read as it may at times have some disturbing and graphic parts in it.

~ Melissa ~

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 6/12/2002 09:50:00 PM ~ ~

Ida, do you have any idea how much Kirc lied to you in 1992 and 1993 alone? He obviously made you believe that not only were we arguing a lot (we weren't) but that all the arguments were as innocuous as the one we had in front of you in July of 1992. Kirc says he told you that he didn't know why we were arguing outside of my hair trigger temper. That's a laugh. Someone with a hair trigger temper gets angry at absolutely anything, especially the small shit. Yes, I was angry at Kirc the latter half of 1992, angry because I was tired of the abuse and tired of Kirc's absolute indifference to my feelings and my needs. You see, he thought that he deserved certain things from me just as he thought he deserved certain things from Laura and from you. He thought he deserved to continue to be spoiled by you after Alec's recovery forever. He thought he deserved sex or anything else he wanted from Laura without any regard for her rights to say no. He thought he deserved sex, bondage, and extreme bondage from me, to abuse me in any way he saw fit, as long as he didn't get hurt. You see, he cares not who gets hurt by his actions as long as he doesn't get hurt. This is why I have grown to hate the man that I used to love.

We used to have a chance, I thought, at repairing our marriage. However, that chance was based on the belief that our marriage at least had a foundation of mutual love. I've since realized the hard fact that it doesn't have that foundation at all and never did. You see, it has become apparent to me that Kirc never truly loved me. I know for a fact that I have loved him and have much proof of it. I get my definition of love in part from the Bible and from personal experience. Truly loving someone whether it be a spouse, a child, a friend, a relative, or a stranger means giving of oneself unselfishly; to care more about the other person's needs than your wants; to be able to put the other person first (not 24 hours a day mind you). The closest that Kirc has ever come to loving me is in showing some sympathy for me when my mother and brother died. I still had to get through those periods of my life without Kirc for the most part, turning to my friends for support.

One of the most important parts of marriage that God intended was for man and wife to support each other; not just financially but to be there for each other through life's trials and tribulations. I'm so very tired of hoping against hope that Kirc will finally show that he gives a damn about me and make me a priority in his life. It is just not meant to be. We are both better off without each other; that is obvious. I'm not in any better shape than a girl whose boyfriend has broken up with her and she is pining for his love, wondering why he broke up with her. I don't need this pain any more; I never did. Kirc needs to be by himself, preferably where he cannot hurt anyone else. I'm sorry he hurt you with the lies he told himself. I'm also sorry that I believed him. I don't expect you to forgive me but, know that if you do, that I am truly sorry.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 6/12/2002 01:11:00 AM ~ ~

This is going to come to a surprise to those who have been reading my web log but I want to apologize to Ida, Kirc's mother. I want to apologize for believing Kirc when he told me things about her and I just readily accepted him in my support for him. I'm going to be spending the next few days, between schoolwork, deleting parts of posts in this web log that are defamatory towards Ida, specifically the reference to 7-11 on 6/2. I do still think she tried to break us up but I now see clearly that she did so either from Kirc's not communicating to her (1989) or leading her to believe what he wanted her to believe ('92-'93). By the end of this coming weekend I expect to have been able to weed out my web log.

You see, I received the last piece of the puzzle this week when I learned something about Kirc as a child from Terry and Aunt Sissy: that Kirc was basically a spoiled brat before Alec got leukemia. He obviously felt he deserved to be treated that way again after Alec recovered and found that his mother did not have the time or the energy (or any of many other good reasons) to not spoil a child of his age. This spoiled brat attitude of Kirc's has definitely carried over into his adult life, particularly his marriage but not only in that arena. He expects people to do things for him and to treat him a certain way because he thinks he is the center of the universe.

He never bothered to care about my needs or wants especially if my needs or wants interfered with things he wanted such as the bondage (not the only example). He didn't think he had to as he always seemed to have me right where he wanted me, needing him more than he needed me (except for July 20 to October of 1993). I can't remain married to someone I cannot trust. I cannot trust him to be faithful to me. I cannot trust him to ever give a damn about my feelings or needs. Even more importantly, his selfishness has most definitely affected his relationship with his children as they've been hurt by him as well. I have no intention of them growing up with a father who doesn't give a damn about them when he wants something that supercedes their needs. He honestly believes that he's being a good husband by merely going to work, coming home, and going out drinking with the boys. First of all, work has been the most important thing in Kirc's life since he was 14 years old. I applaud his work ethic. However, many good fathers are able to have a good work ethic and still have family be a priority in their lives. As for not going out to the bars, get real. Kirc didn't do that kind of thing before he and I got together in 1989 so why would he now? Somehow to him, his physical presence is supposed to be all that we should need. I deserve better and so do my children.

I've tried to get Kirc to leave here recently but he won't. You see, he doesn't have an incentive as he did in 1993. He thinks, obviously, that he still has the control in this marriage.

Kirc moved out in 1993 so he could have an affair (those words are directly from his mouth). He knew that any arguments between him and me had ceased the previous November. He told people he left due to the arguments or fearing that they would start up again. That was just part of his deception to get people to be sympathetic to him. Any and all arguments we had in 1992 were directly due to his wanting bondage that hurt me physically, emotionally, and psychologically and, particularly, his not giving a damn about my feelings or needs. I have obviously only been here in this marriage to him to satisfy his wants and needs. He's admitted that he saw me as having no more rights than a slave and a slave in bondage has no rights at all. The irony is that, if Kirc knew other people at the present time who were into the bondage scene, they would kick him out of any "play" group due to his not following the Safe, Sane, and Consensual rules that they go by.

Kirc had made a list in November of 1992 that I had to follow or else. These things included bondage with no complaints, wearing painful 5 inch high heels, and basically doing anything else he wanted me to do with no regard for my feelings or needs. I not only did everything on his list but then got "rewarded" for it by his deciding that he was going to have an affair. He told me yesterday that he couldn't have gotten away with an affair while still living with me despite the fact that our work hours were completely different. Kirc did not leave me on February 18, 1993, he simply moved out. His elaborate scheme was just to get exactly what he wanted: the advantages of a marriage with none of the responsibilities as well as the freedom of a single man. He and I continued our marriage, simply under two different roofs, not unlike the first two years of our marriage. Kirc would come over to visit me often at the condo and visited me at work. I went to his apartment maybe 2-3 times. He was definitely coming to me, not the other way around. If he had led me to believe what he led others to believe, that we were truly separated and probably heading for a divorce, not only would I not have allowed him any of the privileges I did during that time, the phone call where I asked him for a divorce would have come a lot sooner than July 20.

Even when we did get back together in October 1993, Kirc still held all the ace cards. Keep in mind that we got back together with me having absolutely no knowledge whatsoever that he had cheated on me and lied out the wazoo to me. For so long, my memories of the time from October 1993 to February 1994 were great ones, a fairy tale come true. Now I realize just how much Kirc was manipulating me during that time. He wanted to get back together yet continued to work a second job that took him out of state during the week. Because of his primary job with Motorola during the weekends, we likely saw each other for less than five hours a week. Then I was diagnosed with Hepatitis B. He hadn't suggested us moving back in with each other before this but now that I was sick and needed a couple of weeks at least of recovery time (doctor's orders), he then suggested that I move back in with him so "he could take care of me while I was sick". How could he take care of me when he took no time off from his secondary job out of state to do so? He could have had a second job that was local but then that wouldn't have kept him tied to Celia Ogrodowski, the woman he had an affair with. Kirc was working for her husband as his secondary job. I had no idea at this time that he had even been unfaithful. I didn't find that out until I was pregnant with Elizabeth and not working at the time. Then, in January 1994, he quit his good job with Motorola to work primarily for Rick, Celia's husband. Kirc obviously did not have any more respect for her husband than he did for me. It was during these five months that Kirc specifically and purposely tried to get Celia and me to be friends with each other but Celia was uncomfortable with the idea (I didn't know why until later). When I found out about the affair and all the lies, Kirc was working out of state in Illinois for Rick. Did Kirc do the right thing even then and try to get back on with Motorola? No, he didn't do that until the job with Rick didn't suit him any more. Did Kirc care that, on top of everything else he had done, he was hurting me then by not giving a damn that he was working for his whore's husband and HAD to be around her for work purposes? The worst thing of all that he did when I found out is not that he was more concerned with his own butt in case Rick should find out. What hurt me more than anything else was that, when I found out about Celia and Kirc obviously didn't have any intention of staying away from her, I wanted to calmly talk to her to let her know that 1) Kirc and I were back together, 2) I knew about their affair, and 3) that it would not happen again if I could help it. Kirc betrayed me by actually saying to me that he didn't want me to even talk to Celia because he thought "she would go off the deep end and commit suicide". He admits that he genuinely was concerned for her mental state and her welfare. He literally showed her more compassion and sympathy in that one moment not to mention the previous year than he had ever shown me (ironically my depression episodes and suicidal thoughts were directly attributable to his treatment of me as I had no history of those things prior to my relationship with Kirc).

I shall have to write more later as I have to get away from the emotions that this brings up, if I can.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 6/09/2002 12:54:00 PM ~ ~

Due to a few comments I've gotten so far on this web log, let me try to make myself clear as to the source of my information. First of all, I apologize regarding the assumption that Ray bought Ida the peanut shop. That is what I was led to believe by both Kirc and probably Ray. Then again, you know how people can miscommunicate also. I'm sure I was told something along the lines that Ray got her started in the business. This was a natural assumption on my part, then, to assume that he paid some monies to get her started. Kirc has since corrected me in that the peanut shop "paid for itself" in the first few months Ida owned it.

Now, as to what I have said about Kirc's perception about his mother's treatment of him. This is exactly what it is, Kirc's perception. I have never tried to assume anything regarding this and am stating exactly what Kirc has specifically said to me. If anyone has a problem with what Kirc believes, maybe they should take that up with Kirc.

PART of my reason for putting what I thought to be the truth about how Ida got started in the peanut shop (wasn't she still a teenager at that time?) was due to her belief that Kirc has "put me through school". This is just not true. Kirc does not owe the over $50,000 in student loans that are in my name alone. I've also worked part of the time I've been going to college. I did so before having children. I shall not apologize for being a mother and raising my children. I'm going to be in career mode long enough in my life and will have to make sacrifices regarding my children after graduation from college. Have any one of you walked in my shoes? I think not. I offer up what I think of Ida because of her mistreatment of me, Kirc, and our children. Also, I believe (opinion) that Ida thinks I've just been living off of Kirc for the past eight years ignoring the value of both my being a mother to my children and me trying to finish my college degree so I can contribute to the finances.

As for what I've said about Kirc here in this web log, again, he has been able to abuse me due to either no one knowing about it (the biggest reason) or the few people who did know never tried to help. It's ironic how I've had the momentary thought that I almost wish Kirc had abused me physically with visible results. Then, perhaps some of you wouldn't be able to think he was such an angel and me the one at fault.

Terry, were you even aware, before reading this web log, of the things Ida has done to me and tried to do to Kirc's and my marriage? I'm sure that Ida's showed you love and kindness over the years as your aunt. She's never tried to accept me even before Kirc and I got married. Why is this, I ask? Not because of anything I've done, I'm sure of that. She has never bothered to be specific with me or Kirc regarding why she doesn't like me much less bothered to have an adult conversation one on one or with Kirc present with me about the subject. Therefore, how can I possibly have a chance of adequately defending myself? I can only say I know I'm not anywhere like the person she thinks I am. Yes, this web log is bitchy because I'm finally letting myself say things that I've had to keep bottled up for a long time. Also, keep in mind that I originally intended to keep the thing with Ida just between her, me and Kirc, but she chose not to deal with the issue; therefore, my web log is my voice, like it or not. Ida's mistreatment of me came first, then and only then have I retaliated.

I'm well aware, since 1997 at least, of some of the things Ida's told Kirc's family members, especially those in Indiana. I know of only some of what she's said and none of it that got back to me was true at all. In fact, the lies she told about me were incredibly hurtful and obviously aimed at setting Kirc's family members against me. Thankfully, there are some members of the family (like Kirc's aunt for example) who take what Ida says to them with a grain of salt (or is that a saltblock?). Those members of the family have bothered to get to know me and happen to love me very much and think very little of what Ida told them or what leaked through to them from Ida.

By the way, I took my GeoCities website URL off of the MyFamily website under my profile so it wouldn't, in the future, be able to lead any family members on Kirc's side to my website to happen upon my web log.