This is my place to put my thoughts about my life out there for friends and family to see.

The truth must be told (the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth)!

Please note that this web log is not suitable for minors to read as it may at times have some disturbing and graphic parts in it.

~ Melissa ~

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 11/14/2006 05:59:00 AM ~ ~

Kirc doesn't think that he has to follow the rules

As usual, par for the course, Kirc Breden, my ex-husband, believes that he can do anything that he wants to do, even if it means that he is violating several court orders (which I understand are the same thing as law) and/or violating social norms. Friday, November 3rd, I went to pick up my children, as usual, and my daughter invited me inside to see her new playstation game, Kingdom Hearts. Shortly after entering the home, my son wanted me to see his room. I did ask to see my daughter's room but that is the only thing that was my idea beyond trying to get the children to hurry up so we could leave and start enjoying our weekend. While in my son's room which was a huge mess, IMO, I found out that Joseph Cusimano was there, at the house, in Kirc's bedroom, in Kirc's bed, trying to sleep. Apparently, this is Kirc's attempt at appearing to have child care for the children. Joseph sleeps there during the day until he has to go to work at night. This is not child care. This is the presence of a man who was court ordered to never be allowed to be around my children ever again. This was by a court order ordering Kirc to never allow this to happen. According to the children, Joe also sometimes continues to sleep overnight there, again, in Kirc's bed, with Kirc. Kirc is breaking yet another court order as he was ordered not to have another adult spend the night while the children were present. In terms of social norms, Kirc is wrong for the fact that his children are aware that two grown men are sleeping in the same bed (what else they might be doing is left up to the reader's imagination). Did I mention that upon first entering the house I was overwhelmed by the smell of cat urine? I'm assuming that the owner of this house is not aware of the condition of how Kirc is choosing to keep it. I am very surprised that Joe can stand to be there, at all, when he is neurotically neat and clean (not completely a bad thing).

As for Kirc's current relationship, with Katherine (not sure of the spelling), I'm taking bets as to how short a relationship this one will be, especially as she seems to have a brain in her head despite her lack of years (26). Kirc's former relationship with MaryAnn was short-lived and met the same end as his relationship with Hygeia. Kirc is too old now and too unattractive to be able to get a woman to fall for him as I did when I was so very young (when Kirc was in fabulous shape). As such, these women are not blind to his faults and to the fact that he soon turns from the "cuddly teddy bear" to his true shape, a "snake," upon the woman realizing that Kirc is most definitely not what he wants people to think he is.

Kirc's home does not reflect that this man earns over $100,000 a year. It does not reflect the idea that he wants people to believe that he is so neat and clean and that I am the opposite. I have witnesses to my ability to keep house. I was disgusted by the condition of Kirc's home. There was leftover food left out on the kitchen counter as well as plates left out in the living room with an almost whole piece of chicken on one of them. I literally had to tell my children that such things will attract roaches and to never leave food out like that. I believe that Kirc didn't want me to see his home because of the reality of how he lives.

Apparently, we were being too loud for Joseph Cusimano who was trying to sleep (in Kirc's bed) so Joseph called Kirc who then called Elizabeth on her cell phone. When Kirc objected to me being in his home (I would never have entered without permission which I got by being invited by both children which was definitely not my idea), Elizabeth reminded him that he came into my home many, many times after he no longer lived there (after mid-January 2004) and Kirc's response was "So?". I did ask my children in the car later if they perhaps thought that their father thinks that different rules apply to him versus those rules that apply to me. They both said yes.

I still find it amazing, how much Kirc will not allow himself to have to follow the rules and laws that everyone else in the world has to follow. I will take great joy when everything, and I do mean everything, in Kirc's life comes tumbling down around him. It's only a matter of time.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 11/14/2006 05:59:00 AM ~ ~

The pain caused by an abuser

My ex-husband, Kirc Breden, wondered, during our marriage, why I could not let go of the pain and hurt he caused me by cheating on me, by tying me up against my will (bondage), by trying to have more affairs over the years, by NEVER caring about all the pain he had caused me in addition to the humiliation and betrayal. The reality of the situation is that Kirc never felt sorry for what he did, he never felt that he had done anything wrong, he felt no remorse, he only made excuses for himself and actually said, regarding cheating on me, that he hadn't done anything wrong. He had years of chances to say he was sorry, to feel remorse, to make up for what he had done. He had a new chance each day to turn our marriage around. Instead, he chose to ignore the fact that he said that he knew that he had caused the depression that I was in for too much of our marriage. He chose to outright say that the problems in our marriage were all my fault. I did not cause that bastard to cheat on me. He was raised by a father who flagrantly cheated on his mother frequently including letting one or more of his whores live in the family home with the family. Kirc grew up believing that the same rules that apply to women do not apply to men, or at least not to him. Also, Kirc admitted to me that he first began his fantasizing about bondage at age 6 and that it became sexual for him at age 10. He's lied to a psychologist, trying to make Dr. German believe that I somehow caused his bondage fantasies of me in 2003/2004.

It is my opinion that Kirc does not have a chance in hell of ever having a normal loving relationship that will last with a woman. He has no social skills. He does not seem to just want to date a woman, to get to know her. He goes from meeting them to them automatically becoming "boyfriend/girlfriend." If he can, he wants them to move in, the sooner the better. I feel very sorry for any woman who has anything to do with them. When a woman breaks up with him, he can't handle it and becomes obsessed with her.

I already know that I have issues because of my former marriage to Kirc, trust issues. I have a hard time trusting not only men but also myself. I do not trust that I can make a good decision regarding loving a man. My answer is to not date for the present time. Even the last man I was in love with turned out to be very, very different than I first thought him to be. I will say this, though, a friend of mine has had the belief that a man and woman should try to be friends first and that, to me, is a wise choice.

Kirc holds against me that I started "fighting" back during our third year of marriage (his abuse started from the first date but I was too naive and gullible to realize that this man who I believed loved me could ever want to hurt me). "Fighting back" started with standing up for myself, telling him that he should no longer tie me up. Background: Kirc NEVER saw his parents argue, at all. From that, Kirc determined that couples should never argue and, that if they did, then there were serious problems (simply because of the argument). BUT, here's the deal: he did not grow up never arguing with anyone as I know he argued with his three older brothers and probably had arguments with friends/acquaintances/work associates over the years. No, what Kirc expected of me is to never argue with him but to only agree with anything and everything he said and wanted from me. By me standing up for myself, I was being a BAD wife, as far as he was concerned. I was there for him, for his pleasure, to make him happy, and my rights as a human being did not exist.

Many people have wondered why I put up with him for so long, with all that pain. First, I put up with it because I loved him and, for some reason, believed that he loved me.