This is my place to put my thoughts about my life out there for friends and family to see.

The truth must be told (the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth)!

Please note that this web log is not suitable for minors to read as it may at times have some disturbing and graphic parts in it.

~ Melissa ~

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 3/24/2003 08:32:00 PM ~ ~

Kirc, you do not own your children. You do not own me. You do not own anyone outside of yourself. If you truly want to become a good person, do so from the inside out. You are more than aware of the actions you have committed over the years that you have striven to hide from the outside world, from people who would judge you harshly for those actions. The very fact that you have so consciously hidden these things tells me that you were more than aware at the time that they were socially unacceptable actions.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 3/24/2003 04:42:00 PM ~ ~

Kirc, you have so many issues that you brought into this marriage. One of them, that would have existed in any marriage you would have had with anyone (and still will), is your issue with the idea of marriage controlling you, i.e., you hate the idea of being restricted by monogamy, having to be faithful, and the other "controls" that marriage should have over a person, both spouses. The irony here is that you (1) want your spouse to abide by these rules and (2) you want the outside world (outside our home) to believe you abide by these rules. I marvel at how you have no problem with your company/employer having a great deal of control over you. In fact, the Army had the most control over you, as an adult, of any person or entity in your entire life yet you had no problem with this at all.

As for what you have wanted/still want in a woman (not just me; this is your issue, not about me): you literally wanted/want a "total bondage sex slave" (Kirc's own words) with no mind of her own, really just a robot whose only purpose in life is to make you feel good no matter how much she is suffering because of you. You have no care or concern for others, not even your own children. I say this due to your actions despite your words which mean nothing. You have said so many things, many in the last year, that have shown me that you have no qualms about choosing your own wants/whims over your children's needs. People are objects to you unless they are also narcissists; then they get the royal treatment from you including their own pedestal or throne.

If you had not gotten into a relationship with me, if you had ended up either briefly with someone else or even married to someone else, you would have gotten the same result only, if the woman weren't as strong as I am, you would have ended up a widower when she committed suicide due to your abuse of her.

It is not possible for you to have any semblance of a normal relationship with another human being as you do not even value other human beings; you do not see them as being in any way equal to you. You view others for what they can do for you, else they are discarded.

In all of your actions in the last 14 years, the bottom line is that you have chosen to do anything you wanted to, have not had any self-control whatsoever, and have chosen to use people, not just me. This is not conducive to a healthy relationship with anyone. You need to decide if you want a normal life with normal relationships or if you would rather continue to abuse people as you have. You do not deserve to get to do this to anyone else. Quite literally the world deserves to be protected from you and your kind (other narcissists).

Since last May (and much of our marriage), it has been a failed attempt on my part to get you to see that your behavior is not only not normal but very abusive. I suppose you will have to find all of this out the hard way: when you can no longer get into a serious relationship with someone due to your narcissism and other issues and when you also eventually lose your relationship with your children when they are old enough to decide for themselves that they hate the way their father treats (uses) them.

You complain that you are afraid you will end up alone and lonely. If you are truly afraid of this then you need to see that you must change. No one can get you to change but yourself. You need to see that you yourself need help. Until your life is truly affected negatively enough by your narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder, you will not try to change. It is obvious to me that you have had no reason (internally) to change just because you needed to do right by me and your children. Other people are not valuable enough to you to be able to get you to change, not even people you supposedly "love." Most people do not change something about their own life unless it is not working for them. Since your NPD has "worked" for you for so many years, you had no motivation to change. This marriage has obviously not "worked" for me, not been healthy for me in any way. That is why I've been trying to get you to see you needed to change and to also work on my own issues.

In regards to your belief that you love me and the children, ask yourself if your actions are indicative of love. If someone did to you what you have done to me and your children, would you believe that they loved you? I think not! I am strong enough in my belief about this that I would not hesitate to ask anyone else in this entire world if they would think they were loved by a person who treated them as you have treated me.

Kirc, move on for I am doing so and it is the best thing that could happen to me at this point. I have literally years ahead of me of a lot of work on myself to recover from all these years of emotional, psychological, & physical abuse. I am motivated for my life to become better and now realize that I have to do it myself, not expect my abuser to change for you very likely never will. You can but you are not motivated to do so.

Just remember, as I have already said, that I will protect my children from your narcissism at all costs. I will tell them the kinds of things you are likely to do/say when you are visiting with them. I have already started explaining how your previous negative behavior towards them is due to your NPD. They need to have an internal defense system so they do not end up all f*cked up by you. They need to become independent, strong, and well-balanced people, not let themselves succumb to people like you who only use people like some kind of vampire. Just because you contributed sperm to make these lovely children and must be partially financially responsible for them until they reach age 18 does not mean that you have a right to use them for your own narcissist's supply, especially as secondary supply sources.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 3/24/2003 04:33:00 PM ~ ~

What is narcissism (a.k.a. Narcissistic Personality Disorder) you ask? I myself had heard of a narcissist before and knew of the mythology of Narcissus but never really knew more than that about the disorder. From the book, Why Is It Always About You?: Saving Yourself from the Narcissists in Your Life by Sandy Hotchkiss, narcissists tend to have most, if not all, of the following traits:

1. Shamelessness


2. Magical Thinking


3. Arrogance


4. Envy


5. Entitlement


6. Exploitation


7. Bad Boundaries

My own (estranged) husband, Kirc, has been officially diagnosed with Antisocial Personality Disorder and the psychologist did say that he also had certain narcissistic traits. Personally, after doing much research as a layman myself on the subject, I strongly believe that he also has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, not just some of the traits.

The narcissist accomplishes living in normal society by putting on a front, a "false self" as it were. In fact, it is my opinion that the narcissist is an accomplished actor as anyone would be who started behaving this way as a young child and has had to act this way every day of their life since then. The narcissist is outward-focused in terms of where they get their self-worth from. Think of the toddler who gets angry when they do not get what they want, who doesn't want to understand that they can't just have anything they want. That is the narcissist emotionally. Imagine if this toddler refuses to be socialized to fit into what society considers normal behavior. Imagine if this toddler grows up still thinking emotionally like a toddler despite reaching adulthood physically.

I have read quite a lot lately about NPD in books and what is on the internet. I shall post links here to some of the best sites of info out there that I have found. I shall also post titles of books that I have found to be most illuminating on the subject.