This is my place to put my thoughts about my life out there for friends and family to see.

The truth must be told (the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth)!

Please note that this web log is not suitable for minors to read as it may at times have some disturbing and graphic parts in it.

~ Melissa ~

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 7/12/2002 03:28:00 PM ~ ~

I’m going to give you guys the facts and let you come to your own conclusions. In July 1993, Kirc thought it was ok to write a letter to Jessica Vanderveer in which he admitted that he had loved her since high school (yep, Melissa was right the whole time), that he now wanted to marry her if she would have him, and that he wanted to be a father to her child. Yes, Kirc was still quite married to me, not even really separated (this was before July 20, 1993), and definitely neither one of us wanting a divorce.

Then, after we reconciled in October 1993 (I had the divorce paperwork right before that time and he realized that he was permanently going to lose any control of me he had ever had). He really had no control over me at all right before we got back together. AFTER, we got back together, Kirc chose to start working a secondary job for Rick Ogrodowski (the husband of his whore) that he knew would take him out of town, in this case out of state to California. How does this fit in with the idea that he supposedly wanted to be with me and wanted our marriage to work? Then Kirc began calling Jessica Vanderveer again in November of 1993.

All these calls were made on the calling card, not from home: two calls on November 23, 1993 to Troy, TX xxx-xxx-7676, Jessica's phone number, both 1 minute long, then you called your little wifey oh, then a third call on the 23rd for 11 minutes to Jessica then on the 24th of Nov., a 16 minute call to Jessica on Dec 19th, a 1 minute call to Jessica also call to Jessica, 15 minutes, on December 29, 1993 another one made from Las Cruces, NM to Jessica, January 9th, 1 minute Jan. 27, 1 minute to Jessica's # February 8, 1994, 16 minutes to Celia Ogrodowski where he informed Celia that I know knew about Kirc and her.

His calls to her did not end until shortly before I found out about Celia. He says that he has no memory of the content of any of those calls. I’m not as concerned as much with the content as the intent for calling her. Why would he now say that he was only calling her because they were still friends yet there is the following suspicious/damning evidence against him? He made sure not to make the phone calls around me from home. The one phone call to Jessica made from the Phoenix area was, due to the prefix (245), likely made from near his place of work, Motorola, not from home. The rest of the calls were made from California. He had made many calls from California to me from the trailer that he, Rick, and another salesperson were staying in yet specifically made sure to call only from pay phones when calling Jessica from California. He says that he made these calls away from Rick or the other salesperson because they wouldn’t understand and might misconstrue things about the calls. Hmmmmmm, I wonder why. If he was truly only calling as a friend, why would he have felt the need to keep the fact that he was even making these calls from me or anyone else? It gets better (heavy sarcasm here). When he was helping Rick to bring a trailer back from Florida in January (around the 8th) of 1994 (yes, Kirc and I were already trying to conceive Elizabeth by this time), he made a detour up to Troy, TX. He had told me about visiting with Tom and Sharon (Tom is Jessica’s dad) but never told me about the fact that he also visited with Jessica. Why didn’t he tell me about these phone calls or this visit? When asked now, he says that, if he had the opportunity to fuck Jessica during that visit (I would have likely never found out), assuming that she was willing, that he definitely would have yet he still thinks he can make me believe that he was calling her only because of their friendship. How much of a fool does he think I still am?

Anyone who has been following my web log will be glad to know that even his mother now thinks he did wrong (huge understatement here). This web log has opened her eyes, especially when she realized how much Kirc had lied to me about her. Please ignore anything still left in the archives that is negative towards Ida. I still need to painstakingly go through that to weed out all of that stuff, things that I now know was simply based on Kirc’s lies to me about her.

It makes me feel marginally better when I realize that, if Kirc could pull the wool over his mother’s eyes (an incredibly intelligent woman), I shouldn’t feel so bad about his pulling the wool over my own eyes. Both Ida and I trusted that Kirc was a good man, a loving son and husband. Ironic that it was definitely important to him to portray to the world all these years that he was those things.

You may come to any conclusions that you want to about Kirc’s actions surrounding Jessica. He can’t even give me a good reason why he has been infatuated with her all these years. He stated that “she was a challenge.” Doesn’t that sound so immature? What it comes down to is that (1) she had control over him (just as she had control over any guy that came her way); (2) she hadn’t hurt him (YET!!!); (3) he wanted a relationship with her so he could tame her and put her under his complete control. What a control freak! To Kirc, relationships are about control, not about love or giving of yourself. I only pray that there is someone out there for me someday (long after the divorce) who will love me as much as I love them.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 7/12/2002 08:02:00 AM ~ ~

I realize now that I am mourning my marriage, the marriage I thought I once had. Back in February 1994, I began the arduous process of dealing with the fact that the reality that Kirc wanted me to believe in from February to October of 1993 was almost exactly opposite from what he led others to believe and what he was living when he wasn't around me. Now I am having to face the fact that the last thirteen years were about me believing Kirc's facade, believing that Kirc had at one time loved me and that somehow we could work things out. I think I'm the most sad because I have always wanted Kirc's and my marriage to work, for us to be able to get back to loving each other. I know in my heart that I still have some of the love I've always had for him, the foundation I contributed to this marriage. I grieve when I realize that, in all likelihood, that Kirc never had real love in his heart for me, love that occasionally put me first, cared about my needs, thought about me as special to him, realized how much I loved him, wanted to share his life with me. I look back now and see that there were signs but I didn't want to see them. I wanted his love back that he had once seemed to have given me. I know that I have felt loved by him but how much of that was me thinking he was really loving me versus him just putting up a really good facade that not only fooled the outside world but even fooled me as well.

Yesterday morning, I remember feeling that, even with all that Kirc has to answer for, I don't want his life to now become as devastated as mine has become. I want him to learn from his mistakes and to strive to genuinely try and become that person that he wants the world to believe he is, not just put on a good show.

John Ross has been having a lot of potty accidents, going through about four pair of underwear a day. Both children seem less willing to mind these days. I don't blame them. Mommy's not been there for them enough. Mommy can't really even be there for herself right now. Kirc goes on, as long as his job life is stable, all is right with his world. We shall get through this. I just don't know how.

I've started reading Dr. Phil's Self Matters: Creating Your Life from.... I hope it can help me re-find myself, to realize that I don't have to be the person that Kirc or anyone else (misguided by Kirc) have steered me toward being for years now.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 7/12/2002 07:48:00 AM ~ ~

I don't even want to be alive right now. Kirc, who says he wants to make things right, can't even say goodbye as he walks out the door to work.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 7/11/2002 01:37:00 AM ~ ~

Believe it or not, this entry is not a rant. It’s a blessing, a blessing on my best friend Chuck Gura. Chuck and I originally met our first semester freshman year at Texas A&M University. He has always been such a wonderful and special friend throughout the years. I can definitely call him my best friend for the past almost 17 years even though we have, most of the time, not lived in even the same state (Kirc and I have lived in Arizona now for the last ten years). He has always been there for me, through thick and thin. I know that he loves me unconditionally and accepts me for who I am. I am not perfect. I try to be a good person. Sometimes I fail. Hopefully, I do more right than wrong in this world. I had not wanted to share my troubles with Chuck or any other of my good friends as I didn’t want to burden them. Also, frankly, I have been made to feel by certain people over the years that I was to blame for what Kirc has done to me. Between Chuck’s loving words to me yesterday (Wednesday) combined with the new knowledge that Ida now sees the truth about Kirc and me, I have a chance at getting my life back. Very likely, this will not include Kirc. Obviously, he will have to do so very much to prove to me that he is the kind of person he has portrayed to the outside world all these years but he will have to genuinely be that kind of person, not just be living a façade of a life. Yes, part of me still loves Kirc, not the Kirc that has hurt me but the part of Kirc that I thought really loved me.

Anyone who has been reading this web log from the beginning may note that I have changed my tune 180 degrees about Ida, Kirc’s mother. That is because I’ve finally seen that Kirc has lied to me about his mother just as much as he has lied to his mother about me. I’m going back through these web logs trying to find any and all detrimental entries about Ida and either remove them completely or at least modify them so that they are not detrimental to her. Just as I have not deserved to suffer because of Kirc’s lies, Ida also did not deserve to suffer due to my believing any lies Kirc told me about her. Ida, I wholeheartedly apologize for believing his lies about you.

Ida, I want to thank you for being objective in a very difficult situation. I sincerely hope that we can get along with each other from now on and that I and your grandchildren can have a good relationship with each other. I’m going to search for Elizabeth’s 1st grade school pictures and send one to you. I know they are around here somewhere in a box, lol. I also would ask if the children and I might come over for a visit. We do not have to talk at all about Kirc. The visit can be all about your grandchildren getting to know their grandmother and step-grandfather. If you want Kirc to be there or not be there, either way is fine with me. I want to start again, especially for Elizabeth’s and John Ross’ sakes. They deserve to know their grandmother and you deserve to get to see them grow up. I’m sorry that you haven’t liked my personality in the past. Maybe I can do something to change your opinion of me. If I can’t, we just need to agree to disagree. 8^) I know that we can get along with each other. I also know that my children love you very much.

Ida, I’m sorry that I have taken so long to remove certain posts from this web log that were demeaning to you. It’s no real excuse but I have been very busy with school in the first summer session and haven’t spent much time on anything else but school. At least I got all A’s (in six credit hours) to show for my time and effort.

All I ever wanted was to love and be loved. At least I hope that I can focus properly on giving my children what they need to grow up happy and healthy.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 7/10/2002 11:52:00 PM ~ ~

I thought I’d heard everything, meaning that I didn’t think that I could be surprised any more by anything I found out from Kirc. Last night I found out that, in addition to Kirc having a bondage affair with Celia Ogrodowski in 1993 (he also wanted to have sex with her but she refused; she already had a boyfriend in addition to her husband), writing a love letter to Jessica Vanderveer in which he proposed marriage, and still, all the while, making me believe that the only thing that had changed about our marriage was that we didn’t live under the same roof, I found out that he used some more people so he could go out on a date. He had told his best friend, Robert, that he was having an affair with Celia while screwing me over at the same time (getting exactly what he wanted from his loving, trusting, faithful wife). Obviously, Robert’s wife, Cherie believed that we were separated (as in getting a divorce) because that is what Robert told her. Kirc had gotten to meet Cherie’s best friend and asked Cherie to set them up on a date. Just to make sure that I make myself clear here, he didn’t want to meet a new person or fall in love or just have a good time. He wanted to go on a date with her so he could fuck her, just as he tried to get to fuck me on our first date (he was unsuccessful with both me and her). Thankfully, she was a virgin and wasn’t going to give in to his selfish lust. He tried to tell me that it wasn’t so bad because they didn’t have sex, the same way he tried to make it seem like what he and Celia did wasn’t so bad because they didn’t have sex until July of 1993 (after the phone call). Reality check! He did want to have sex with Celia from the very first encounter. She was the only one who got in the way of that. He did want to have sex with Cherie’s best friend as well. She, again, was the only one to stop it.

If this was simply about him wanting to not have to answer to anyone, to be able to come and go as he pleased, then why did he not remain faithful to me during the time we lived apart? We continued our relationship and he knew for a fact that (1) I still loved him and believed he still loved me; (2) I was being faithful to him and believed that he was being faithful to me (despite some warnings from my family and co-workers); (3) I believed that we were very much still married, neither of us wanted a divorce, and we were trying to work things out. He led me to believe that #3 was his reality as well. It goes much further than the idea of getting to go to ham radio meetings without having to tell his wife he was going or going over to his mom’s or best friend’s house without having to tell his wife first. He did not feel, despite society’s norms, morals, and values, that he had to be subject to what he saw as the restrictions of married life. In other words, he didn’t think that he had to be faithful to me. He didn’t think he had to be loyal. He didn’t think that he had to give a damn about me at all. He certainly didn’t think that he had to really love me, just convince me that he did. He didn’t think that he had to in any way act like a loving husband to me. BUT, he sure as hell expected me to be truly loving, faithful, loyal, and caring to him and that is exactly what he got. The funny thing is that, going on only what I knew, that he had moved out in February 1993 despite the fact that any arguments (he was the source of all the major arguments) had ended in 1992. He cannot think of any arguments we had at all in the entire year of 1993. He also knows that, especially during the time we lived under separate roofs, that we seemed to get along great and not have any problems. By July 20th, after many, many excuses by him as to why we couldn’t move back in with each other, I had had enough. I had no idea of his infidelities or disloyalties regarding Celia, Jessica, or Cherie’s best friend. I only knew that I was definitely being good to him (and had been for well over eight months, no negativity at all) and didn’t understand why he didn’t want to move back in with each other yet. When he finally gave me the excuse that he wanted to wait to move back in with each other until after he had completed his degree at DeVry (he hadn’t started yet and it would take three years going full time), that was the straw that broke this camel’s back. I then, after much soul searching and even asking the advice of the parents who had raised me to believe that marriage was forever and divorce was sin, called Kirc on July 20, 1993 to ask him for a divorce. Until that time, he and I had both agreed that neither of us wanted a divorce. It was only after that time that I began my relationship with Rick Franklin. I still feel somewhat guilty about that as, because of the way I was raised, I did commit a sin, I did commit adultery despite the agreement to divorce, I was still married to Kirc.

I asked Kirc tonight if this was what he really wanted at that time in 1993, what he would have “needed” to not have left me. He agrees that the following circumstances would have had to be in place for him to be “happy” with being married, period.

• that I would have let him do any type of bondage to any degree with me and I would never complain (of course, I would let him but never be “willing”)


• that I would show just as much complete submission outside of the bedroom as in which would include letting him do anything he wanted to do


• I could never complain as he had the right to anything he wanted to do, to me, within or outside of the marriage


• I obviously could never ask him where he was going or who he was going to be with


• If he wanted to have an affair or do anything else with anyone else, I could never complain or say one word but only turn a blind eye and a deaf ear.


• In short, he had to have complete control over my life and I could have nothing that he construed as control over his. I literally had to be his slave. Keep in mind that, just as masters treated slaves before the Civil War, masters have no responsibilities towards their slaves except perhaps to keep them alive and really not even that if they so chose.

I’m glad that I did stand up for myself when I did, even if it meant him leaving me a few months later. I’m very proud of the fact that I never “chased” him when we were living under separate roofs. He always came to see me at my condo or office. I probably came over to his apartment maybe all of three times, just to hang out, never to check up on him or demand that he spend time with me. He came to me. He kept the relationship going. If he hadn’t, I can assure you that I would have never been following him around like a puppy dog, trying to “win” him back. He made me think that I hadn’t really lost him. He made me think that we had a future. Of the reality that played out, if I hadn’t made that phone call on July 20th, he admits that he would have continued his charade forever, if he could do so without getting caught by me, his mother, or anyone else who could in some way make him pay for his actions.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 7/10/2002 01:03:00 PM ~ ~

Can it get any worse? Repeat after me. “Yes, it can!” So many things I’m finding out, some I’m figuring out for myself, all very, very bad. First of all, I now know that Kirc never bothered to communicate to his mother at all how much of a loving, caring, supportive, loyal, and faithful wife or fiancé I was for the first three years of our relationship. He filled her ears with such bullshit, making sure that I wasn’t around to counter his talk, in 1992 that it’s little wonder that she believes what she does about me. Yes, I’ll be the first to say that we argued a lot in 1992 but lets look at what those arguments were about, a huge detail that Kirc purposefully left out of his “waaaaaaahhh”s to his mother. Let us always remember: this man was never stressed out by any of this as he had a plan and carried out, a plan that first involved complete control of me, then the accomplishment of exactly what he wanted: the ability to keep his marriage intact while living like a “free agent.” (1) One main topic of arguments was, of course, the abusive bondage which he wanted and never cared how much it hurt me. “But I love you!” he would say. (2) Very shortly after we moved to Arizona, he began his plan of control that involved him going over to his mother’s home or best friend’s home without me. He went without me so he could lie to them about me, deceive them, and manipulate them into believing whatever he wanted them to believe. They never had a chance to see how good of a wife I had been and was still being to Kirc, as it didn’t fit into his plan, he wouldn’t allow it. He made it clear within the first month of living out here that I now had to share the #1 spot in his life with his mother and his best friend. The reality is that, not counting the fact that Kirc was actually #1 in his own life, his mother got #1, his best friend got #2, and I, maybe, if I were lucky, on a good day, got a very distant #3. Why? Not because I deserved it in any way but because it fit into Kirc’s plan. He knew that I knew no one in Arizona before we moved there accept for having met Kirc’s mother before we married. Unfortunately, neither Ida nor I tried very hard to get to know each other before the wedding, a fact I highly regret. I don’t tend to seek people out so, if she didn’t seem interested in getting to know me, I wasn’t going to force myself on her life. (3) Kirc “disapproved” of my choice of jobs. I ended up being hired for three different management trainee jobs that second half of 1992. The first and third involved me becoming an independent contractor selling mutual funds, etc. through an investment advisory firm. Kirc would have none of this. Why? Because, despite the facts, he told people (e.g., his mother) that I was literally paying these people to work for them. He couldn’t have been more wrong. Keep in mind that, yes, I was an independent contractor. Therefore, after going through the training, which cost me $0, I had to pay for my own securities licenses, Series 6 and 63. The cost of taking these exams and receiving certification (which, by the way, is good for life) was $389. I borrowed $400 from my Uncle Blake, my mother’s brother. I then had to spend another $20 on business cards. This comes to $409. The $400 I owed to my uncle, Kirc did not. No money ever came out of his pocket whatsoever. The other $9 came out of a check I had received as commission from Kimberly Credit Corporation, a company I had independently contracted through in Temple, TX. After Kirc made it clear that I had to quit this job shortly after receiving these certifications, I again went on the job hunt. I quickly found another management trainee job that seemed great. You see the first job would have led to me being a manager of one of their office locations. The second job, too, would have led to me being a manager of that office. Unfortunately, I found out after one week’s work that it was just a glorified telemarketing job (no problem there) that involved us salespeople lying to the customer, first of all getting their phone numbers out of the phone book, lying to them saying we were their vendor for office supplies, then saying that we had a special sale going right now for only 24 hours on xyz. Would they like to place an order so they could get the sales price? I guess this worked well as they conned a great many poor slobs into buying their shit on false pretenses. I only hope that COBRA Business Supplies has since been shut down by the Attorney General’s office. I have higher ethics than that to let myself lie every day just to make a buck. Lie and deceive people for my own gain. No thanks. So, off I went on my job hunt again. I, again, quickly received another job offer, this time with another investment advisory firm, Simmers. Same offer, to become a manager of their office after working for them for some time as a sales rep selling mutual funds, etc. I did have to fork over about $130 or so to have them transfer my certifications from Fortis. Again, not one single penny of this money came from Kirc’s paycheck. I still had not used up all of my pay from Kimberly Credit. Plus, I did have a check from COBRA for that one week. Therefore, in a nutshell, Kirc again lied, saying that I was paying someone else for me to work for them. Anyone knows who has worked for themselves that there are at least a few expenses involved in working for themselves. Why didn’t Kirc tell his mother or Robert that I was covering what little expenses I had with my own earnings? Because that didn’t fit into his plan of denigrating me to them so they would hate me.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 7/09/2002 10:32:00 PM ~ ~

Here's to Pink Floyd who said in one of their songs (I think), "I have become comfortably numb." Booze ain't so bad if it numbs the feelings. I guess it's better than suicide. It surely couldn't be worse than what anyone thinks of me now so..... I can only go up from here, right? ha ha ha ha ha ha ha .............................................................

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 7/09/2002 02:44:00 PM ~ ~

I’m still trying to find a copy of a letter Kirc wrote to Jessica Vanderveer in July of 1993. Jessica is a friend of Kirc’s that he met in high school. He had told me that he had had a crush on her in high school but that nothing had ever come of it, that she never seemed to feel the same way. I noticed many times after we got married that, when he would mention her, he did not talk about her like a friend at all but more like a “what if”. I definitely felt that he still had romantic feelings towards her and told him of my feelings. He always denied it. Then I found the letter in 1994. If I remember correctly, when I found it on our computer hard drive, it was also dated before July 20, 1993, before the divorce phone call. If and when I find it, I will make sure to post it here verbatim. Nevertheless, the main parts of its contents contain Kirc pledging his undying love to Jessica, a love he had always had since high school, his proposal of marriage to her, as well as his offer to be a good father to her (born out of wedlock) child. This was, again, during the time period that he was still leading me to believe that we were quite married and that he had no intention of getting a divorce. I asked him what did he think could come of such a letter even if Jessica did share his feelings (she DID NOT!). He said he didn’t know. Since I don’t believe he would have committed bigamy, I think it is highly likely, if she had felt the way he wanted her to feel, that he would have eventually asked me for a divorce but only after he was absolutely sure that he would be able to marry Jessica. All that time, he would have kept me in the dark.

If you are wondering why I’m still pissed about things that happened almost ten years ago (not counting the things that have happened since then), it is because I’ve never been allowed by Kirc to be angry for what he’s done. He had the opportunity to punish me and he did, way too much for what I did, I might add. I have never really gotten to punish him since there is no way to get to him that I know of. I can only hope that someone outside of him and me knowing these things will make a difference to him and he will finally feel guilty for all that he has done to me. If anyone still wants to think that I’m berating Kirc for “whatever imagined slight…” I “…have suffered,” wake up and smell the coffee. Ask Kirc directly if he has done these things to me. I’ll give him a little credit in that, when he is directly asked if he has done something, he doesn’t necessarily keep lying to you if you have enough facts. He only keeps lying if you don’t know the whole story and he can get away with lying to you.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 7/09/2002 01:44:00 PM ~ ~

to kirc:
the world supports you but not me because you have seen to that...
the world believes what they see...
they see a good man in you because that is the only thing you let them see, nothing else...
they see an angry, vindictive, spiteful, retribution-seeking witch in me...
they did not see what you have done and continue to do to me in private...
you make sure they know what I've done in private...
they believe you, they do not believe me...
it doesn't matter what the truth is any more or who is right or what is just and fair...
all that matters is that you have won due to your manipulation of everyone...


Kirc, why don't you start with thinking about what kind of person you want to be; the kind of person you would have no problem with anyone knowing anything about you; the kind of person who doesn't have to worry about what others think because he is being true to himself while being a good person to others as well.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 7/09/2002 09:33:00 AM ~ ~

I believe that society makes its values known by praising those who do right and by punishing those who do wrong. If someone is doing something they shouldn't, society steps in and says this is wrong, stop doing it or suffer the consequences. In the case of someone doing something that is not necessarily against the law but is still against society's values is punished by society by people chastising that person, making that person feel ashamed. This is how society works to get people to stop doing wrong things. Sometimes the very thought of having society’s disapproval is enough to keep people from doing the wrong things.

What happens however if someone knows that something they do or want to do is against society’s values, that they would suffer punishment at the hands of society if society knew what they did or wanted to do? What if this person still wanted to do these things despite society’s values? What if they knew that, if they could keep the fact that they were doing these things hidden, that they could “get away with” doing these things and never have to stop doing them? I am obviously not talking about some nameless, faceless person in general here but the same holds true for anyone who chooses to act in this manner.

Kirc has tried very hard for the last thirteen years to portray himself as being a nice guy, a good husband, and a good father. At least he is finally starting to stop portraying himself this way to people he works with (albeit without telling them details). He always made sure to make me believe that I would suffer if I revealed what he did behind closed doors to anyone else. Please see the “contract” from a post earlier today for his punishment for my transgression. At that point in 1993, I had only told my parents, my brother, and two of my co-workers about his abusive bondage. I only told them because I needed help. I had done everything I could, short of leaving the relationship, to get him to stop. After that contract, which lasted only two days, I had had enough, ordered him out of my apartment and my life, and started divorce proceedings. Kirc has always made sure to hide his bad actions and thoughts from the public as well as his relatives and friends so they wouldn’t think negatively of him. Also, I see that he did this so they wouldn’t be able to stop him either. I’m confident that if either his mother or father had known what he was and has been doing, that they would have done what they could to put a stop to it.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 7/09/2002 09:13:00 AM ~ ~

You may be wondering again why I'm telling these things in a public place. You see, it has literally come down to the fact that Kirc hasn't thought he needed to change because he would lose his wife otherwise. He didn't think he needed to change because he would lose his kids otherwise. He didn't think he needed to change because he knows for a fact that he will (if he hasn't already) f*ck up his kids with his beliefs, attitude, and behavior even if we get a divorce. This forum itself has not been enough reason. His mother now knowing at least some of the truth (yes, there is so much more that must be shown) hasn't made a difference to him, even when his lies about her alone ruined his relationship with her. She's now seeing, I hope, how he will say or do anything he wants to do for his own purposes, no matter who gets hurt. I'm sure she has been hurt by his lies as anyone would be. I still need to take certain things out of this web log about her that are simply and only based upon his lies to me about her. Yes, I have now sent a link to this web log to four key people that Kirc works with including his boss. Why? Because nothing else got through to him. I warned him that I would take that step if necessary. He has been more stubborn than the worst mule about changing. Why, I don't know. He is well aware of what kind of person he has portrayed himself to be to other people (to me at one time, too) over the years. Why can't he start trying to be that, not just deceive people into believing that he is really that kind of person? He must think he has something to lose by changing but he is ignoring the fact that he can only get good and positive things from me by starting to change. I do not expect (and he knows this) for him to change 100% overnight. That is ridiculous. I do expect, though, for him to try every day to do the right thing and he chooses instead not to.

A week ago, Sunday, June 30th, Kirc again showed his true colors. Last summer when Kirc and his two co-workers, one male and one female, went to the BusinessObjects conference in Las Vegas, I was not terribly happy with the fact that, at least one night, Kirc had to be in the female’s hotel room to do some work together. I accepted the fact (if this is the truth) that the resort’s business room was completely being used so they had to work from one of their hotel rooms. Now, don’t get me wrong as I think very highly of this female, know she’s married, and have no reason to suspect any wrongdoing from her whatsoever. At that time, Kirc and I were getting along well enough that he and I would say “I love you” at the end of every phone call. He did this at work even around his co-workers so I thought it very strange that, when he was alone in a hotel room with this female, that he specifically and purposefully this time did not say it. He has only given me lame excuses as to why he did this. He knew that I was already sensitive about this subject before this year’s conference occurred. As soon as he said that it was coming up and he was attending it, I immediately asked if this female and/or any other co-workers were to attend as well. He said, no, he was the only employee going this time. Sunday night, after he arrived at the conference, he mentioned something to the effect of working with a gentleman from InfoSol and this female to get the VPN (Virtual Private? Network) working so he could get some work done from the hotel. Don’t get me wrong. The one and only thing any one can count on from Kirc is to be the best employee he can be. He is a workaholic and has put his job above everything else in his life for the past ten years. He has refused to see that it is very possible to be a loving, caring husband and father and still be a dedicated employee.

When Kirc mentioned this female in passing, I realized he was not talking about her as if she were in Phoenix or her home town. She was obviously there at the conference as well. I directly asked him and he did admit the truth, the only bit of truth I got out of him for the next six hours. First of all, he had found out the previous day, Saturday, that this female was to get to go to the conference at the last minute. Fine with me, no problem. However, he, as usual, tried to make me out to be the bad guy by lying and saying that he thought that I would stand in the way of him going to the conference if he had told me after he got home from work Saturday. He knew this was not true but used it to try and manipulate me. Then, when that tactic did not work on me, he said that he didn’t tell me after he got to the conference because he didn’t want to have a long phone call on his cell phone. We never had to have any conversation on his cell phone. This does not explain why he couldn’t have told me once he had me call him at his hotel room directly. I finally got the truth out of him that he (1) never had any intention of telling me directly, voluntarily, that this female was there. Why, if he had nothing to hide? (2) He desperately hoped that I wouldn’t ask him directly. However, he knows that I’m extremely intelligent and would have figured it out eventually. Because of this, he (3) thought he would cover his butt by mentioning this female in passing so he could “prove” that he wasn’t trying to keep the fact that she was there from me. Hello, McFly!!! That’s exactly what he did. I asked him what he thought I would have done if this female was scheduled to go to the conference months ago, when he originally got to make plans to go. Did he think that I would still stand in the way of him going, especially if I knew so far in advance that she was to be there? He says, no, he knew that I would not have done so.

It gets worse. I figured out that, by having to help her with her VPN problem, that he had to be in her hotel room even if only for a few minutes. If he had only been honest and forthcoming so I wouldn’t have to figure these things out on my own because he keeps them deliberately from me, he wouldn’t have gotten any problem from me. Again, I trust this female completely. I do not trust Kirc, especially when he lies to me, deceives me, and manipulates me so he can get away with (or try to get away with) anything he wants to.

This female is not at fault in any way here. She is as much a victim as I am. She did not deserve for Kirc to do this and put any suspicion on her. Why did Kirc do this? If he has nothing to hide why does he lie, deceive and manipulate me and other people?

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 7/09/2002 08:17:00 AM ~ ~

Now for example #3 of Kirc's screwed-up thinking. Please see July 8th's entry for examples #1 and 2. When Kirc moved out of the condo in February of 1993, he did NOT do so in order that we would get a divorce. In fact, it was his idea that we simply live apart to "work" on our marriage. The truth is that he knew that by doing what he did, that he could have even more control over me, that I would do whatever he wanted me to do just so we could stay married. This went on until I had had enough and asked for a divorce on July 20, 1993. Until then, any talk about divorce involved both of us agreeing that we did NOT want a divorce, both of us.

You see, Kirc moved out so he could live the life he always wanted, where he could have complete control over a woman who loved him (that would be me) while doing anything else he wanted to do with anyone else. He knew that he wanted to have an affair and that he didn't think he could get away with it while living under the same roof with me. Yes, he has said this. This is not my assumption. He started his affair with Celia Ogrodowski in March, he says. He only told his best friend, Robert, about it, leading him to believe that it involved intercourse initially. He had no problem telling Robert because he knew that Robert was a misogynist who would actually think highly of Kirc for f*cking around on me. Kirc also made sure to tell Robert of the charade he was pulling with me, making me think that we were still married as far as he was concerned so he could continue to f*ck me and tie me up any time he wanted to. He didn't want anyone else to know because they might think less of him. The fact is that he wasn't even comfortable with Robert knowing about the extreme bondage he was doing with Celia and me because he thought Robert would judge him negatively. Well, duh! I'm seeing now that Kirc has always known that doing certain things like this, particularly forcing me to do these kinds of things against my will is morally wrong and is frowned upon by society. That is exactly why he has tried to hard over the years to keep this information from leaking out to people who might think less of him and/or make him stop doing these things.

In July of 1993, Celia decided that the bondage was to stop. Kirc was very upset by this as HE FELT HE DESERVED WHATEVER HE WANTED FROM CELIA. He was not her husband; he was not even her boyfriend. He had no right to expect anything of her at all. Please find below a copy of the letter he sent to Celia portraying his screwed up thinking. He wrote this letter on July 15, 1993, five days before I asked for a divorce, all the while making me believe that he and I were still very much married, still together as a couple, just living under different roofs. I was foolish enough to completely trust him and believe that he was being a loyal and faithful husband. By the way, the example he gives of his previous weight loss was all a lie. He took two different things in his life and combined them to deceive and manipulate Celia into feeling sorry for Kirc so HE COULD GET WHAT HE WANTED.

"I figured out what I am feeling and how to put it into words...

I feel used... Teased, and led on to do anything for you and left to wonder what happened to the empty promises I was given...

I feel like a little puppy, mesmerized by a beautiful girl promising affection for a stick in her hand should I go fetch it... She throws the stick out and away into a mine field and I run through it dodging the dangers with one thought of an affectionate reward when I return... When I bring back the stick to get what I have been promised, she softly takes the stick from my mouth and without mercy, beats me in the face with it and tosses it out to the mine field again as she walks away laughing madly at my stupidity...

All I want is just one day to enjoy some of the pleasure I was led to believe that I might see... And maybe I would feel the score (for sake of a better term) was even at the end and that I was not callously taken advantage of... I'm not asking for intercourse, just some of the games we played... And maybe the chance to pamper you again like I did before... I ask this request out of a survival need because last time I was used this way, it stole 50 pounds from me due to loss of appetite... I am already starting to see the symptoms returning as I have not taken in anything of substance since Tuesday...

I should not even bother you with this for you have your own set of problems to deal with...But I just wanted to let you know how I feel... If you want to yell at me as I feel that reaction coming on, you are more than welcome to do so just call me or if you want to hit me a few times also, I will be home...

Kirc,"

How fucked up can one person be? Well, it gets better. You see, even though I'm not in the least proud of it and still feel shame over it, I went outside of the marriage, albeit after July 20th, 1993, when we both agreed on a divorce that I asked for. After being with this other man for a very short time, I stupidly tried to go back to Kirc, feeling sorry for what I had done. I never tried to keep the fact that I was having this "relationship" with this other man a secret from Kirc. I didn't find out about Celia until we were back together and I was pregnant with our first child. I'm not saying that what I did with this other man was ok or alright. I am saying, however, that I view it as being not as bad as what Kirc did with and regarding Celia. On August 1, 1993, when I came back to Kirc, he felt he had the right to "punish" me for what I HAD DONE TO HIM. Please find below a copy of the CONTRACT he had me sign, a contract that did not even really promise that we would have a relationship when all was said and done. Keep in mind that I know that I was stupid to even sign the contract but that I did say "enough is enough" after only two days because I realized that, no matter how bad what I did was, that I didn't deserve the torture that Kirc was putting me through.

"Contract

I, Melissa C. Breden, in order to redeem myself for the pain and humiliation I have caused my husband do swear to devote a minimum of six (6) hours a week for the next three (3) months to my husband in which I must TOTALLY submit to bondage in any form, fashion, position, attire, and by any means my husband sees fit to have me.

The weeks are from Sunday to Saturday, to start upon the signing of this contract. Each six hours will be done before the next week starts, and any overtime will not count as part of the next week. Times to serve will depend upon the convenience of my husband. Locations to serve will depend upon the current circumstances at that time, however, if I must travel farther than 5 miles to serve time, I will be given $5.00 as repayment for gasoline and wear on my vehicle.

I understand, that this agreement will stand as my punishment for what I have done, and after I have served my time in full, This matter will be laid to rest and unless I agree to
continue with it, so will the bondage issue be forever laid to rest and never will I have to allow myself to be bound in any way...

Lastly, I agree that our sexual activities no matter what they are is noone else's business but our own and will not be discussed with anyone outside the two of us. Should I fail to
keep this promise I agree to extend the time to serve one extra month per offence...

Signed this ___day of ________ 1993.



_________________________
Melissa C. Breden

I Kirc A. Breden do agree to the above terms and conditions and at the conclusion of the served time will put every effort into
repairing our marriage to the best of my ability...

_________________________
Kirc A. Breden"

Remember, the part about Kirc saying he would help to repair our marriage was all a lie. He literally thought he DESERVED what he wanted from Celia, what he wanted from me, what he wanted from Laura, what he wanted from Beverly. Only you can help to change him and to make him see that it is not socially acceptable to act this way.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 7/09/2002 07:52:00 AM ~ ~

Kirc knows, for example, that society frowns upon people who lie most of the time, who bullshit, deceive, and manipulate their way through life. He knows that society frowns upon one person forcing another to do something against their will, particularly something incredibly harmful, life-threatening especially. Every bad thing that Kirc has done in the last thirteen years he has justified in some way to himself as his modus operandi is thus: Kirc will do anything he wants to do as long as "Kirc" doesn't get hurt. He couldn't care less about whether or not someone else gets hurt. As long as he has the approval of the majority of people, that is all that matters to him. He cares so much about what people think of him, at least people who aren't very close to him. It seems to me that he has it all backwards. Normally, one should care most about what their loved ones think about them, not acquaintances or people who he's not close to.

Kirc bought a copy of the book Self Matters by Dr. Phil. I actually started reading it and realized some more things that made sense about Kirc, things I've always known but couldn't get through to him before. With most people, they start out with an authentic self but someone external to them says or does something to make them think differently about themselves internally. Gradually, over time, a person continues to make the external world think that everything is fine while their internal selves are a complete mess, thinking negative things about themselves, often untrue things that do not coincide with the truth. That description is apt for my life. However, for Kirc, his is an unusual example. He is so concerned with what the outside world thinks, he goes out of his way to lie, deceive, and manipulate people into believing that Kirc is the perfect example of a human being, a father, a husband, an employee. It is a fact that he has always known that if people only knew the truth about him, he would not continue to have their approval. He has literally taken what external people thought of him to reflect back upon himself and let him lie to himself that he was a great person. "See, they think I'm great so it must be true," all the while knowing that they only think that because he has hidden the truth, lied, deceived, and manipulated them into believing what they do.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 7/09/2002 07:41:00 AM ~ ~

Kirc can't seem to help himself. At least that is what he would have you believe. The truth is that he's gotten away with acting like a jerk and a rotten human being for 13 years so he thinks he can continue to do so. He knows that I will take any steps I have to to make sure he changes as, at the very least, he has two children who will be severely hurt by him if he does not change. I've already seen too much of his effect on them. I'm not going to let him fuck up their lives. He will start changing to become the person he's portrayed to people outside this house over the years. He has obviously known what everyone else expected out of him, he just didn't think he actually needed to be that person in his personal life.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 7/08/2002 08:52:00 PM ~ ~

It's time that Kirc's actual thought processes are revealed. He is only just in the last two months finally seeing that these thoughts are wrong and have affected his life in a negative way as well as affected my life in a negative way.

Example #1: When Kirc was 15 years old, he had a friend named Beverly Humphrey (ironically, I myself met her later that year, we came to be good friends, and I found her to be very sweet and nice) whom he had a crush on. However, he never revealed to her his romantic feelings towards her. This is a very important point to note. Kirc's best friend from South Bend had the opportunity to come down to Midland to visit with Kirc that year. Apparently, Beverly and Kirc's friend took a liking to each other and ended up having sex. This hurt Kirc terribly. He felt that Beverly had betrayed him as if he had some right to her fidelity to him. Remember, they were only ever friends and he had never revealed his romantic feelings for her to her. He says that he then became severely depressed and ended up losing an extreme amount of weight for his size. I do not understand what Kirc thought he had a right to. Since Beverly and he were only friends, not even dating much less boyfriend/girlfriend, why did he think she should not be allowed to share her body with whomever she wanted to? It was really none of his business. Don't get me wrong as I can see to a small degree where his feelings would have been hurt that she was apparently more attracted to his friend then to Kirc himself. However, he actually became angry with her as if she had owed him something. I don’t think that it is a coincidence that, that same year, he lost his virginity to Beverly’s older sister, a girl that he was definitely not attracted to. I wonder if he was subconsciously trying to get back at Beverly by having sex with her sister.

Example #2: Kirc's former girlfriend, Laura. Now, I never got to meet her and have only Kirc's side of things to go by. I have always believed his side of things for the last thirteen years. I'm not willing any more to just accept what he says to be the truth. Kirc has told lies about me, he's told lies about his mother, and he's probably told lies about other people, too, just to justify his feelings about them and the actions he took. According to Kirc, he found out from Laura's best friend that Laura had been dating other guys and having sex with other guys. On the other hand, even though Laura had made Kirc believe that they were boyfriend/girlfriend and then fiancés, she never allowed him to do anything of a sexual nature with her. Now, I'll be the first person to say that everyone has a right to say no and that no one has a right to someone else's body, not even a spouse. *** Kirc has believed for the last 13+ years that he deserved to get to have sex with Laura. In fact, since she did not ever give him sex willingly, he has thought that he has had a right to have sex with her against her will if necessary. Now, I won't even go into how any and all of this does not go along with the fact that he is married and supposed to be faithful to me (a promise he never intended to keep to me). Kirc has wanted to rape Laura and thought of this frequently in his fantasies. His other fantasy regarding Laura is that, if he ever got a chance to see her again, that he would knock her to the ground. Some gentleman, eh?

I have more examples that I will get to in time. Does this sound like the nice Kirc that everyone wants to believe is the real Kirc? I don't think so but, like it or not, it is the truth. The most important point I can ever make is that Kirc has obviously known that he either was doing things he shouldn't or wanted to do things that he shouldn't and that is why he kept them hidden from anyone who might be able to get him to stop doing them. Yes, I guess I overreacted in 1992 when, after three years of putting up with Kirc's crap, I finally started fighting back in the form of arguments with Kirc. I guess I overreacted to Kirc's abusive bondage and his complete indifference to my feelings (heavy sarcasm). I guess Ida would have had me continue to simply be the loving wife who let Kirc do things to me because I fervently believed that someday he would have to see what he was doing to me, killing me from the inside out. Anyone who wants to think that I am exaggerating or overreacting to Kirc's treatment of me I can only say that I would not wish such treatment on my worst enemies and I surely wouldn't simply write it off if someone, especially someone who was supposed to love them, was doing those things to them.

In a nutshell, Kirc has believed that he is entitled to have anything he wants as long as he doesn't get hurt. He never wanted to see that he was hurting me because he could justify anything to himself and hide his behavior from those who would put a stop to it. I will say this, even though I still have a bit of anger at Ida, much of it has gone away due to the realization of how much she believed due to Kirc's lies, deception, and manipulation. Yes, Ida, he was definitely manipulating you in 1992. You were just as much one of his pawns as I was and Robert was. His end goal was for him to get to do anything he wanted to do to me without me complaining about it. Ida, I'll give you a lot of credit when I assume that, if you had only known the truth about Kirc's behavior, specifically the abusive bondage, that you would have let him know that you disapproved of his behavior and that it wasn't right. To what degree you would say or do anything else I have no idea. I do trust that you (or for that matter Kirc's father), if you had known what was going on in our home, would have done at least a bit to put a stop to it. I do not believe that you raised your son to be this way. I certainly don't blame you for his behavior. (I probably used to see you as a cause when I believed his stories about how you supposedly treated him while he was growing up.) I now know just how much Kirc is able to lie about anyone, even those he supposedly loves.

My next post will include my third example of how Kirc thought he deserved certain things from the person he had an affair with.