The Truth Must Be Told

~ Posted by Melissa ~ 6/16/2002 09:28:00 AM ~ ~

It is exceedingly ironic that Kirc led his mother to believe in 1992 and 1993 that I was stressing him out, as she put it, making him a nervous wreck. Funny how he in no way whatsoever acted that way around me. Why you ask? Because he was calm, cool, and collected around me, showing just how disinterested he was in my problems, the problems he had created. Ask anyone I knew before July 1989, especially those who knew me well. I had no tendency whatsoever to become depressed. Even when my first love broke up with me in 1987, for reasons he didn't want to share with me at the time, I was only mildly depressed for about a month as most people get after a loved one dies, their marriage or relationship breaks up, or they lose their job. This is known as transitory depression and most people will experience it at one time or another. This is extremely different from the chronic depression that some people suffer due to various reasons.

Obviously my reasons for having chronic depression started with Kirc's extreme bondage abuse of me in 1990. Then he was gone to Saudi Arabia for six months and two days while I feared every second that I was going to get a visit from military personnel knocking at my door to give me the sad news that my dear, sweet beloved had been killed during Desert Storm. The worst period was when the war had started and there was no communication, no letters, no phone calls, nothing for several weeks. It was at this time that I hit my lowest period and, for the first time in my life, became suicidal. Thankfully, I had sought counseling at the campus clinic starting the previous November. My psychologist, having diagnosed me with clinical depression, was aware that things were only getting worse. He had given me his emergency number if I ever needed to call outside of hours. I became suicidal in February of 1991 and immediately called Dr. Moreno. He had me see a psychiatrist at the school so I could, for one week, stay at a psychiatric hospital in the area to be placed on suicide watch and to see if any medications might help me. The choice to go there was completely voluntary and I could have definitely said no but I was desperate for help at that point. Although I'm glad I went for that week and didn't go ahead with what my worst feelings told me to do, the stay was really quite a farce. The psychiatrist didn't have me on any medications after that one week, only tried some kind of anti-depressant for that time, and really wasn't interested in helping me, unlike Dr. Moreno, my psychologist. Thank God for that man. He is a credit to his profession.

For the longest time, I thought my depression after Kirc left for Saudi Arabia was solely due to the fear of his death. It was but was also because of the bondage abuse and emotional abuse, I realize now. Unfortunately, the depression did not abate when Kirc returned April 8, 1991 from Saudi Arabia. This was because Kirc didn't understand at all why I had been depressed. He apparently thought he should have been able to come home to exactly the same wife he had left October 6, 1990. The irony is that the Army had warned the servicemen to expect that their loved ones would have been changed somehow by their experience just as the servicemen were obviously going to be changed by their own experiences. Hindsight being 20/20, I now realize that the indifference that Kirc had shown towards my feelings at various times since the beginning of our relationship was now becoming an every day thing. Silly me, I honestly believed that marriage was to be about husband and wife supporting each other emotionally through the good times and the bad, among other things.

I know I've stuck by Kirc's side through countless things, especially regarding his feelings that his mother didn't love him, didn't care for him growing up, etc. Thankfully, I've seen the light regarding that due to information from his cousin and aunt. I'm not saying his mother is a saint but I definitely don't have the same view that I've had of her for the past seven years.

By the way, I understand that it is possible that Ida thought, for some reason, that I didn't like her at the time we moved out to Arizona in 1992. Quite frankly, any dislike of her didn't begin with me until 1995 and her letter to me. Apparently, if I understand correctly, she wanted us to move into a condo/apartment near her. The thing is, Kirc's car had gotten broken into (at his mother's condo/apartment complex) when he had come out to Arizona by himself the previous spring to interview for a job. He didn't like the neighborhood and, therefore, had no intention of living there. I assure you that I would have had no problem living in the same complex as not only did I, at that time, have absolutely no problem whatsoever with Ida or Tom, but also rather liked the condo they lived in and assumed that the others in the complex were equally as nice. In my opinion, I didn't mind the neighborhood either.

The fact is that the only reason we live so close to school and Kirc's job right now is due to the owner of the condo we were renting in 1997 having to sell and the fact that I was tired of such a long commute to go to school myself, approx. 17 miles one way in rush hour traffic with a two year old in her car seat in the back seat who didn't understand why it took so long to get home. Oh, did I mention the heat that literally reaches at least 115 degrees every summer, sometimes higher than that? I finally was able to convince Kirc that 2 miles to school and 3.2 miles to work was a good thing. Additionally, we could finally be in a house which is nice with two kids, something we didn't necessarily need with just the two of us.