This is my place to put my thoughts about my life out there for friends and family to see.

The truth must be told (the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth)!

Please note that this web log is not suitable for minors to read as it may at times have some disturbing and graphic parts in it.

~ Melissa ~

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 6/08/2002 01:29:00 AM ~ ~

I love listening to CD's by "Savage Garden". I've listened to their "Savage Garden" CD many times but finally listened closely to the song "break me shake me". The words can be found below. For the most part, they express part of my relationship with my husband, Kirc.

"I never thought I’d change my opinion again
But you moved me in a way that I’ve never known
You moved me in a way that I’ve never known

But straight away you just moved into position again
You abused me in a way that I’ve never known
You abused me in a way that I’ve never known

So break me shake me hate me take me over
When the madness stops then you will be alone
Just break me shake me hate me take me over
When the madness stops then you will be alone

So you’re the kind that deals with the games in the mind
Well you confuse me in a way that I’ve never known
You confuse me in a way that I’ve never known

So break me shake me hate me take me over
When the madness stops then you will be alone
So won’t you break me shake me hate me take me over
When the madness stops then you will be alone

She says, " I can help you, but what do you say?"
'Cause it's not free baby, you'll have to pay
You just keep me contemplating, that your soul is slowly fading

God, don't you know that I live with a ton of regret?
'Cause I used to move you in a way that you've never known
But then I accused you in a way that you've never known
But you've hurt me in a way that I've never known...

Break me shake me hate me take me over
When the madness stops then you will be alone
So won't you break me shake me hate me take me over
When the madness stops then you will be alone

Listen, baby
You'll be, you'll be alone

Break me shake me hate me take me make me
Fake me break me shake me hate me take me
Break me"
(source: Savage Garden CD insert)

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 6/08/2002 12:01:00 AM ~ ~

I haven't had security in my relationship with my husband since February of 1994, specifically since I found out that he had cheated on me the previous year, when we were still in a relationship with each other, before we both agreed to get a divorce July 20, 1993 (MY idea). Kirc had moved out on February 18, 1993, only to continue our relationship as usual only under different roofs. He led me to believe that he was being faithful and I, wanting to be the trusting wife and having no evidence to the contrary, trusted him completely although I now see certain signs that weren't ok such as him not wanting me to have a key to his apartment. He tried to say that he was afraid that I would use my key to go into his apartment and damage some of his stuff while he was out. Obviously, this was completely bogus. If I had wanted to damage any of his things, I could easily have done so prior to the "separation". I'm using quotes around the word separation since it wasn't a separation in the normal sense where two people are headed for divorce and normally don't have any contact with each other outside of divorce proceedings.

It doesn't matter that Kirc and I have been together, still married, since I found out about his infidelities. He hasn't been in a relationship with me in spirit or in heart since February 1994 when I started finding out about the infidelities. Some women may have reason(s) to put up with their husband's unfaithfulness. I don't and never will.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 6/07/2002 07:58:00 PM ~ ~

I've just applied to join a new webring for my weblog, "True to myself". Check out some of the other sites on the ring.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 6/07/2002 07:23:00 PM ~ ~

Yada...yada...yada...

I'm rather liking this forum of the web log. Funny how I didn't even know they existed until recently. (I understand they've been around for about three years.)

Anyway..... I've started a new blog called "In My Dreams". I've always been interested in the meaning of dreams and thought I'd put mine out there for the masses. Have fun, y'all!

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 6/04/2002 12:28:00 AM ~ ~

From Ida to Kirc, "The only time I put any effort into breaking you and Melissa up was when you came to me and asked if you could move in because you wanted to leave her. After yoiu chose to go back I respected your decision and you can not come up with any specific way I ever tries to "Break you up" that is a figment of your imaginations?".

Never tried to break us up, eh? I'd say she did several times. Let me see if the public agrees with me.

1. First, Ida tried to get Kirc to not even marry me in 1989 due to her idea that I was "just like Laura" and that I was "just out for his money."
   


2. Second, when Kirc and I moved to Arizona in July of 1992, Ida took her chance to get Kirc to herself without me around and repeatedly berated him to leave me and divorce me. He did move out in February 1993 if only to make his mother happy as he was quite confused at the time as to why he was doing it. During our separation, Ida repeatedly told Kirc to "stop fooling around and divorce her" already. Thankfully, Kirc's heart won out.
   


3. Third, after Kirc and I got back together in October 1993, Ida asked Kirc to meet her for lunch where she gave Kirc an ultimatum: he had to choose either her or me. Luckily, he chose me. This I just found out recently.
   


4. Fourth, in 1995, after some very stupid remarks from both Ida and Tom, I finally had had enough of their drivel and lack of concern for my feelings. During that whole debacle, Ida again made Kirc choose between her and me.
   


5. Fifth, May 7, 2002, during what started out as a very simple informative conversation where Kirc had called Ida, she repeatedly told him to leave me immediately for "his own safety" and get a divorce. Funny how she wasn't concerned enough about the children's safety to make sure that Kirc took them with him.
   

Kirc's not stupid. He's always going to choose the woman who loves him (me) over the one who doesn't (Ida). Ida chooses to make up lies in order to try and get a point across that will never be accepted by Kirc.

If those examples aren't enough proof of Ida specifically and purposefully trying to break up Kirc's and my marriage several times, I don't know what is. You see, she must think I am not aware of most of what she's done and said in the last thirteen years.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 6/03/2002 02:00:00 PM ~ ~

Ida, what part of this do you not understand? My hate for you is not unfounded. I hate you only because of your actions towards me, not because I'm inherently a hateful person. I know who I am and so do my friends and family. I assure you that hateful is not a word they would use in describing me. What is unfounded are your actions towards me. You have given me and Kirc vague, general bullshit reasons why you don't like me without listing any specific reasons or instances outside of the argument in July 1992 and your bullshit lie about the insurance in 1991. You see, if you were a complete stranger and I never had to deal with you again in my life, I wouldn't have cared what you thought or said about me. However, you have directly done things to harm me. Excuse the fuck out of me if I choose not to turn the other cheek.

Let me get this straight: you, Ida, expect Kirc and me to believe that you are telling the truth and that Kirc's father told us lies? What a pile of shit! To my knowledge, Kirc's father never told me a lie that I know of. Yes, I'm aware of faults he had but, thankfully, those faults never affected me so I don't give a damn what they were. That man loved me in some ways even more than my own father has as an adult. Yes, before he met me for the first time, he was going partially on the lies you told your sons that got through to him. However, after he met me, he soon saw that you were just as full of shit about me as you have been about many other things. Before one week had passed after meeting him, Kirc's father not only loved me a great deal, he considered me his favorite daughter-in-law. He actually loved me more like I was his daughter rather than an in-law. Nothing you can say, Ida, will ever change my feelings about that man. Compared to you, Kirc's father was a saint. To my knowledge, he never did anything to purposefully hurt another human being. You definitely have.

The lies from this woman (Ida) just don't stop, do they? Starting in the latter half of 1992, Ida began telling Kirc that he needed to divorce me, not just leave me. This did not simply start with Kirc, it started with Ida. When Kirc moved out on February 18, 1993, he was actually confused as to why he was did so. Why, you ask? Because he knew that any reasons he may have had the previous year did not exist any more. He knew that I had gotten help for my depression and had largely recovered from it, that I had, as a result, been able to get a job again, and that any arguments had ceased.

In fact, Kirc did not leave me and us become separated like many people do who are headed for divorce. He moved out but we continued our relationship, our marriage as before. It really wasn't that different than the first two years of our marriage as far as I was concerned. We, in fact, were never headed for divorce until after July 20, 1993, when I called him and asked him for a divorce. You may remember, Ida, that Kirc and I met at Denny's within 24 hours after he moved out. He did not want to lose me but felt pressured from you to appear as if he were going to get a divorce. Did you know, Ida, that Kirc and I continued our relationship, our marriage, as before, just under separate roofs? No, he didn't want you to know as he knew you would only ridicule him. He says that you did know that he and I were in talks but that you told him to stop fooling around and divorce me already. What's more, he's told me recently that, after he and I got back together in October of 1993 that you and he went out to lunch where you gave him an ultimatum: that he was to choose either you or me. He obviously chose me. Tough shit, Ida!

Let me understand what you have wanted from him: for him to choose you, his mother, simply based on your intimidation of him, not any love you have ever had for him vs. choosing me, the only woman he knows who has ever truly loved him? That's worth a belly laugh or two.

Ida, think about it. I'm not assuming that you even read this web log, especially frequently. I assume that you may never see my words. That doesn't matter to me. Also, be aware that I'm not advertising this website to the rest of the family. In fact, I doubt that they even know about it. As for non-family members, I haven't given your last name, where you or we live (outside of the state), or other identifying information. I haven't and don't plan to inform any one who knows you personally, especially where this information could have a detrimental effect on your life.

I told you in my letter to you that, if you chose not to converse about these things with me, that I would air my thoughts on my web log. I have that right. If you don't like it, tough shit!!! I'm not concerned with anything I've said being read by someone halfway across the world affecting you, Ida. If you are, then maybe you should think before you act and hurt someone the way you have hurt me.

Kirc has believed for some time, long before I ever even knew you didn't like me, Ida, that you have been more interested in his money than him. He noticed that, when he moved out in February 1993 that you started getting more money from him. Also, the moving reimbursement con was another example of how you give accountants a bad name. Everything we know about you adds up to one thing: that you don't care about anyone else and will do anything you want to do to someone else as long as you don't get hurt. I don't give a shit whether or not you have respect for me. The time where I cared what you thought of me has passed. I'm not under your influence any more. Deal with it.

I have decided to put up a permanent web page on my site devoted solely to you, Ida. I will, however, only link to it from this web log. It is my way of dealing with all the shit you've handed me over the years. It's payback time.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 6/03/2002 01:13:00 PM ~ ~

More important background: Kirc's dad made sure that his sons treated their mother, Ida, a certain way: complete respect, no talking back, no disagreeing with her, complete obedience. Granted, I do believe that children should obey their parents and show respect for them. However, parents are human beings just like everyone else. This means that they can make mistakes. This also means that, sometimes, they can do things that are very wrong that have a deleterious effect on their children.

All too often, when parents abuse children, they have been taught by their parents as children that parents are all-powerful gods who can do no wrong. I also believe that, even if a parent does not physically abuse a child, teaching their child that parents are always right is setting that child up for disaster. Yes, I want my children to obey and respect me, but not at the expense of their own self-worth. One "good" thing that came out my molestation ordeal when I was six was the fact that I found out that parents aren't always right. No, it wasn't easy finding this out at such a young age. However, I'm very glad that I realized that what my parents did was wrong. The children who are made to believe that their parents can do no wrong are the ones most hurt when the parent does something hurtful to the child, more hurt than the child that realizes that parents are human, too. The child ends up blaming himself for the harm coming to him.

This way of interacting with his mother did not stop when Kirc became an adult. He is just now confronting his mother about issues that have bothered him for many, many years. He did not confront her before for two reasons: the way he was raised to believe that no one should disagree with mommy, and the knowledge that, if he did try to confront her, she would just ridicule him and make him feel lower than a slug on the ground. Ida, do you realize just how much Kirc has disagreed with you in the last thirteen years but has, most of the time, not let you know it so he wouldn't have to suffer from your ridicule? I have always been a sympathetic ear to Kirc when he would complain about what his mother had done to him and this was long before I knew how she felt about me. I want especially now to see if I can help heal Kirc of his emotional wounds especially for his sake but, I admit, also for my sake and our children's sakes.

Kirc said just last night that, if he wanted a cuddle when he was growing up, he could always get one from his father. However, his mother was "untouchable". I asked him if he could remember any affection from her and he couldn't remember any. I don't know how she treated her other sons but I do know as a mother myself that the mother showing affection is very important to the child. One thing my children know no matter what is that I love them and that I always will. This, I believe, is a part of a good foundation for them in this life.

Yes, Ida, I do hold a grudge against you for all that you have done to me directly and especially for what you have done behind my back, specifically through Kirc. You choose to think you are right about everything. Wrong answer. I guess you must think you are above everyone and don't have to answer to anyone for what you do. You may have been able to escape repercussion from the authorities over the years for some of your actions but you can't escape Judgement Day.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 6/02/2002 11:14:00 PM ~ ~

What a freaking laugh! Ida just doesn't get it. I've had a problem with her ever since 1995, the first I learned that she didn't like me and for her bogus reasons. I've renewed my diatribe about her due to the bullshit she tried to pull on May 7th in a phone call between her and my husband. Kirc initially called her at my request only to set her straight about an incident in 1994 while he was out of state, nothing else. He chose to talk further with her and finally tell her many of the things he's done to me in our marriage. Ida told Kirc that he was being brainwashed while he was revealing some very bad things about himself to her. I'm assuming that she meant that I have somehow brainwashed Kirc into believing that he's done these things to me. Why, Ida? Is it because you have wanted to believe that your little boy has always been an angel or is it because you would rather believe that I'm responsible for 100% of any and all problems that Kirc and I have ever had? It seems like you want me to take the blame in part if Kirc is seen to be to blame for any of it; otherwise, as far as you are concerned, I'm the only one at fault. I guess it doesn't work both ways for you, does it? It's amazing that Queen Ida gets to make up the rules that the whole world has to follow.

Before August of 1990, more than one year into our relationship, the only problems Kirc and I had at all consisted of Ida trying to break us up before we got married. It's obvious that, after we got married, Kirc wasn't in physical proximity of his mommy any more and she didn't think she could brainwash him as easily long distance. That's why when we moved out to Arizona in 1992 she began inviting Kirc to come over to her home specifically without me. This was no coincidence as she knew she could con Kirc into believing anything if I wasn't around to counter her little ruse. It did the trick, didn't it, Ida? Kirc's admitted that he tried to get his mother and his best friend to go against me so I would stop complaining to him about the bondage and just let him do what he wanted to do to me. In the latter half of 1992, Kirc didn't care about my feelings at all. It seems that would have gotten in the way of what he wanted to do to me.

Ida has this inane idea that Kirc and I must be arguing constantly and must have done so throughout our marriage. She couldn't be further from the truth. Yes, we have had our moments when we've argued, usually about something Kirc's done to me and doesn't want to take responsibility for such as his infidelities or his abuse of me. No, our marriage hasn't had constant arguments. Yes, some very serious discussions began on May 4th but our marriage has never been characterized by arguing. Deal with it, Ida.

As for Kirc and I attempting to get Ida to answer for things she's done, that is completely separate from any problems that Kirc and I have. I guess Ida's ego is getting the better of her again here. The last time that she was able to cause any problems between Kirc and myself was 1995. Then again, that was due to Kirc still trying to please mommy, even at his wife's expense. Kirc realized after the phone call of May 7th that his mother hadn't "changed her spots". She basically tried to hand him the same bullshit about me that she tried to hand him about me back in 1992-93, of which I'm only just now finding out some of it.

I myself am a mother and I hope to have a wonderful relationship with the future spouse of either my son or daughter. You see, I try to teach my children to have good judgement, especially when determining another person's character. I'm not like Ida and couldn't be more unlike her in the fact that I see a person for what they are and choose not to make up shit about someone in order to brainwash someone else. I can tell you that my life would definitely have been very different if I had Ida's talent for brainwashing people. Then again, I'm glad I've never had that talent as it would be hard for me to have any self-respect while treating people that way. One thing my friends and family know about me is that I am what I am and I don't try to hide anything as I expect others to either accept me for who I am or go their own way. Funny how that part of my character has gained me many friends along the way in life, true friends that I can count on.

When people know the truth about me, I have nothing to worry about. It's only if someone chooses to make up lies about me that I have a huge problem with. BTW, Ida, I've never known Kirc's father to lie to me or Kirc about anything. Whereas, you, Ida, have been known to lie about many things, to Kirc, to me, to Kirc's father, to other family members, etc. Now, who's to be trusted here, eh? One thing I'm very sure of is that Ida is and has been the kind of person who just uses others, even her own sons, to get what she wants no matter who she hurts. Unfortunately, Kirc has inherited some of her worst traits. However, he's now seeing his responsibility in matters and is choosing to get the help he needs to be a better person, husband, and father.

Alas, the world will have to wait until Ida meets her judgement on the other side for justice to be served. That gives me some small satisfaction. Ida, I'm not afraid to face Judgement Day. Can you say the same?

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 6/02/2002 06:08:00 PM ~ ~

Let me give some background on why I feel the way I do about Ida. Keep in mind that, outside of what she's said to me in letters or emails, she hasn't ever said anything to me TO MY FACE regarding her opinion of me as a person, etc. Kirc and I have tried to get her to be willing for a face to face but, now that Kirc can no longer be intimidated or brainwashed by her, she's "washing her hands" of the whole mess. In other words, she's afraid to be confronted and have to answer for what she's done.

Most of what I know about Ida's machinations have come from Kirc recounting to me what Ida tried to do over the years. At the very beginning of our relationship, Ida tried to talk Kirc out of marrying me. Her basis for this was the idea (not fact) that I was just like Laura, Kirc's former girlfriend/fiancé.

Keep in mind that this relationship was long distance, over 600 miles. In a nutshell, Laura was the kind of girl who knew how to attract a guy with her feminine charms and make him believe anything she wanted him to. She led Kirc to believe that she loved him and they even got "engaged". I use that term loosely as there was never any talk of wedding plans to my knowledge. Also, when he bought an engagement ring and wedding ring set for her, she wanted to hold on to the wedding ring as well. Strange, eh? About six months into the relationship, Kirc started noticing that things were not ok here. When he would drive 600 miles to see her, she suddenly had other plans or couldn't see him because her father might find out. Stranger still, eh? Kirc eventually found out from Laura's friends that Laura was entertaining a multitude of boyfriends behind Kirc's back. What's more, Laura had never intended on having a normal relationship with Kirc as he was just the pawn in her plan to get revenge on a military guy due to her having been hurt previously by a guy in the military. F*cked up, eh? It took Kirc two years or so into the relationship before he had had enough and broke up with her. He took this long because he was obsessed with her and thought he could do something to make her treat him right. Part of what has haunted Kirc even the past thirteen years is the fact that Laura was out having sex with everything with a penis except for him. This is what led to a bad decision on his part on our very first date: to make me believe that he wouldn't be able to trust me in our relationship unless we had sex. Yes, I know what Dear Abby would have said about this one.

I couldn't have been more different from Laura but Kirc's mother didn't want to see that. I showed Kirc genuine love, in private, in public, everywhere, while together, while apart, everyone knew that I loved Kirc. He and I would take turns driving back and forth from the base where he was stationed and the city that I lived in to see each other. This was over 300 miles. The only time we really didn't get to see much of each other was when he was doing NTC for six weeks shortly before our wedding. This time seemed interminable to both of us. During the time of our relationship prior to the wedding, during the week, both Kirc and I called each other, wrote each other letters, and stayed as connected as possible.

Another piece of bullshit that Kirc's mother tried to hand him regarding me during our engagement was that I was just marrying Kirc for his money. What?!? First of all, I had no idea what kind of money Kirc made before we were married. Second of all, and most important, money had nothing to do with why I was with him. There was a guy named George that I had dated previously to getting together with Kirc. The only reason I knew how much he made was that, when he got a raise during our relationship, he boasted of how much he was making, not because I asked him or gave a damn. George was making over $36,000 a year in 1988. I found out after Kirc and I got married that Kirc made about $17,000 a year (1990). Now, where does someone get the idea that I married Kirc for his money??? As further proof of my point, I had a job of my own while finishing my bachelor's degree. A degree that should earn me at least $25,000 a year or more back then (1989). I didn't even remotely resemble those girls that Kirc later told me about that married a military guy right out of high school and thought the guy was loaded or something due to the benefits he received while in the military. Please!!!

It is my opinion, not to be taken as fact here, that Kirc's mother, Ida, was actually attributing certain character flaws to me that she actually had. I believe (not fact, just opinion) that Ida married Kirc's father because he had his own business in which he was doing quite well financially. Also, it is not to be ignored that he got Ida set up in her own business while she (I believe) was still a teenager; a business that ended up pulling in more money than the business Kirc's father had. Also, I have reason to believe that Ida resembles Laura in that she knew what to do with her body and her words to get Kirc's father to do anything she wanted him to. She has obviously been a pro at trying to get Kirc to believe any bullshit she wanted to throw his way during our relationship. It's not just coincidence that she stated in on of her emails to Kirc that he "has always been easily brainwashed". She should know as she is the primary one, besides Laura, who has ever done so. I think that she was trying to make Kirc believe recently in a phone call that I have been brainwashing him. If that were the case, I would likely have a perfect marriage if I were indeed able to make Kirc believe anything or do anything I wanted him to do. Ida needs to take a long hard look in the mirror before saying such drivel about me.

More later for this was only the beginning of Ida's machinations.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 6/02/2002 05:06:00 AM ~ ~

Have I always been the angry bitch I come across as here in my web log? No, not at all. While growing up, I was the quintessential good girl often known as "goody two shoes" by those who weren't my friends. I was well known for being a teacher's pet and, personally, I like to think of myself as having been a parent's ideal child. As part of my personality at the time, I was not one to usually stand up for myself, not even when my brother pissed me off/beat me up. He knew that mom and dad couldn't come running home from their business to whip his butt so he knew he had me right where he wanted me.

Anyway, I've obviously grown tired after 35 years of this bullshit, trying to be the nice girl only to see that I was getting hurt by those who weren't so nice. My husband was able to abuse me for so long due to no one who could do anything about it knowing about it. My mother-in-law has told so many lies about me that it's becoming ridiculous. Funny how I have noticed that she hasn't once been adult enough to confront me with any of her concerns about me, not in almost thirteen years. Is it likely because she knew that I would prove her wrong on every count? I find it extremely amusing and very satisfying that, of the family members I later got to meet on Kirc's side of the family (many of whom had already heard Ida's lies about me), I ended up changing their minds about me before I even knew what she had said about me. You see, to everyone else in my life outside of Kirc and Ida right now, I try very hard to be a good person. I am proud of the fact that I place my children first in my life even if that means that I've made life choices that some people aren't proud of me for. Tough shit! Try walking in my shoes, why don't you.

Am I angry? Yes, very, very angry. The little girl who had to hold in any anger she felt is no longer a little girl. I'm a grown woman who deserves to be heard just as anyone else does. I hope to raise my children to stand up for themselves and to know that I will always be there for them, no matter what.

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 6/02/2002 04:28:00 AM ~ ~

How's this for logic: when Ida chose to believe that I was the only guilty party in anything, she was more than ready to turn Kirc against me. However, in a quote from an email from Ida to Kirc on 5/28, "If you have done all of the cruel things you talk about, I am sorry, I hope you have accepted the wrongness of them and are now behaving better. I don't think you are an angel and Melissa the devil, it always takes two to make a problem or to break a problem." What bullshit!

How interesting..... Now when Kirc's in the hot seat, suddenly the fault lies with us both? Guess what, Ida? We're planning on buying you a dog and naming it "Clue" so you'll have one. Reality Check!!! Your little boy is not the angel you or others would like to believe he is. He is finally taking responsibility for his actions after almost thirteen years into the relationship. Deal with it, bitch! The fact is, you, Ida, have chosen not to like me from the beginning maybe because you considered me a clone of Laura (that says so much for what you think of Kirc's judgement).