This is my place to put my thoughts about my life out there for friends and family to see.

The truth must be told (the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth)!

Please note that this web log is not suitable for minors to read as it may at times have some disturbing and graphic parts in it.

~ Melissa ~

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 4/30/2003 02:33:00 AM ~ ~

My stbx (soon to be ex) husband, Kirc, asked me why I stayed in our marriage all these years. The only reasons he could come up with were very wrong about me. Initially, I didn't want to answer the question as I saw the question as an insult to me. However, I decided to finally answer his question because I think it says a lot about my character. If he chooses to continue to think his lies about me, so be it but I won't be in a relationship with him any more to be hurt by him. Those who know the real Kirc know he is a pathological liar and lies to himself first, then others. Now to the answer to the question.

Why I stayed married to Kirc all these years (it is directed at Kirc):

• I loved you


• I believed for many years that you loved me, at least during certain parts of our marriage, and that you were basically a good person


• Like so many people, I believe that the average person has a conscience and won't let themselves hurt others on purpose. I grew up thinking that the kind of person who could do that, well, that you could see that person coming, that they didn't hide their behavior from the public eye. Those with strictly Antisocial Personality Disorder usually don't hide their bad behavior from the public eye but narcissists do, obviously. I have only realized in the last year that either you have no conscience or, more likely, you are adept at keeping your conscience in check so it doesn't keep you from doing anything you want to do.


• I obviously grew up believing in marriage, having no experience with divorce in my family or extended family and believing divorce to be a sin; marriage is supposed to be for life.


• I grew up believing that if a married couple have problems, they should try to work them out. Marriage is not to be entered into lightly as you did. Marriage is a very serious, lifelong promise but you never meant a one of your marriage vows.


• I have lived for years believing that eventually you would see how much you have hurt me, feel remorse for it, change your actions and return to being the man who used to love me. I now know that was never going to happen as you were only showing me your false self during the times I thought you loved me. At best, you were infatuated with me during those times but it was never love on your part.

That's it in a nutshell. If I think of any other pertinent reasons, I'll be sure to let you know.

If I had known all these years what I know now, yes, I would have gotten out of this marriage a long time ago.

I know someone who was with her husband for over 25 years before finally leaving her marriage and divorcing a few years later. She says she knew about his many, many affairs, that he even had the nerve to bring a few of his lovers into the house to live under the guise of, I presume, working as a maid or nanny. Now, I don't know for sure if this woman was faithful to her husband but that is not the issue here. She didn't like how he was treating her at least through the affairs. I wonder what she told herself to make it ok with her to stay in this relationship. You see, this was not a woman who didn't have her own money because, if I understand it correctly, her business brought in more money than her husband's business did, more than enough to support herself and her four children on her own including being able to still afford a nanny. She says she loved her husband. Maybe. I think she believed he loved her as well. She wanted to leave for many years she says but chose to wait until her youngest child would be old enough to handle her leaving. Unfortunately, he wasn't. He felt incredibly abandoned. Anyway... People stay in bad marriage for many reasons, some good, some bad. I do believe that the reasons why one stays in a marriage tells you about that person's character, though. For example, if a woman did stay in a marriage due to the financial status she didn't want to give up, didn't want to give up her social standing, didn't want to lose other, shallow things in life, that person doesn't have a very good character in my opinion. I stayed in my marriage for the right reasons. I have a clear conscience. Kirc, do you? Did you stay in this marriage for the right reasons?

 
~ Posted by Melissa ~ 4/30/2003 02:26:00 AM ~ ~

Here's some more information about narcissism to help the reader understand what it is.

Ok, you ask, what are the major traits of the narcissist? From the DSM that therapists use to diagnose their patients:
From 1977:

• "An inflated valuation of oneself (exaggeration of talents and achievements, demonstration of presumptuous self-confidence);


• Interpersonal exploitation (uses others to satisfy his needs and desires, expects preferential treatment without undertaking mutual commitments);


• Possesses expansive imagination (externalizes immature and non-regimented fantasies, "prevaricates to redeem self-illusions");


• Displays supercilious imperturbability (except when the narcissistic confidence is shaken), nonchalant, unimpressed and cold-blooded;


• Defective social conscience (rebels against the conventions of common social existence, does not value personal integrity and the rights of other people)."

and from 1994:

"At least 5 of the following should be present for a person to be diagnosed as suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

• Possesses a grandiose sense of self-importance (for example: exaggerates his achievements and his talents, expects his superiority to be recognized without having the commensurate skills or achievements);


• Pre-occupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance and beauty or of ideal love;


• Believes that he is unique and special and that only high status and special people (or institutions) could understand him (or that it is only with such people and institutions that it is worth his while to be associated with);


• Demands excessive and exceptional admiration;


• Feels that he is deserving of exceptionally good treatment, automatic obeisance of his (usually unrealistic) expectations;


• Exploitative in his interpersonal relationships, uses others to achieve his goals;


• Lacks empathy: is disinterested in other people's needs and emotions and does not identify with them;


• Envies others or believes that others envy him;


• Displays arrogance and haughtiness."