Animals are guided by instinct alone, and though barbaric in many respects, they know when to practice restraint, honor, and respect. Even in the wild, there is a sense of order and a proper way of behaving. Animals which act independently, in a way that is detrimental to the group as a whole, are cast out, driven away, for the safety and preservation of the pack, or herd. When people behave in ways contrary to the welfare of our surival, whether physical or psychological, we become out-casts, rejected by our own kind. The very things (or people) we go to any lengths to hang on to are exactly what we eventually lose. And those which are ill-gotten will never bring us happiness.

For some, it may be the quest for material gain which drives them to lie, steal, and cheat their way to success, making all sorts of justifications to themselves and others for their abusive tactics. For others, it may be the desire to love and be loved which pushes them into promiscuity, deceit, or adultry, stopping at nothing to fulfill their romantic passions. Whatever the case, anytime we must rely on less than admirable ways of achieving our desires, we forfeit self-respect and ultimately, the very dreams we want the most. Don't be fooled... those who come across as the most arrogant, self-righteous, and superior as just as insecure, lacking true self-esteem to the same extent as their timid, self-depricating counterparts. Each are opposite expressions of self-centered fear and false-pride.

The beginning therefore, is to make a list of your personal values and morals, then prioritize them. We need to have clearly-defined lists to know exactly what is important to us and what we believe to be right and good. If asked, "Do you know what your morals are?" most of us would say we do. However, ask yourself "what" they are and you might find that you have to really think about it to define the very beliefs which make you who you are. This is where many get into trouble, and putting them on paper is the best way to start eliminating those problems in the future. A large percentage of our heartaches are derived from our actions directly opposing our own beliefs. When I do not live up to my own standards, I am bound to suffer internal conflicts. The goal is to bring our beliefs, intentions, and actions into harmony, so that they are all one and the same. This is true peace, and ultimately, true success.

What's really important to you....
Spouse, children, parents, career, hobbies, volunteer work, family activities, ball games, church, civic groups, etc. These are what constitute life as we know it. What is more important? Staying home to watch the ball game on TV, or taking your child to the zoo? You really want to watch the game and you really don't want to go to the zoo. But.... how will you feel about yourself later if you choose the ball game over a day out with your child? The easy part is listing what is important and putting them in order on paper. The real test comes with our actions. And the first step is thinking ahead of time how your simple, daily decisons will make you feel in the long run. Self-esteem and respect (or the lack of) are by-products of our actions. They are tomorrow's rewards for what we do today. We must grow up enough to stop thinking in terms of instant gratification and think in terms of what is lasting and permanent. And when we have children, our own actions also help to build or destroy our children's self-esteem as well as our own. List your priorities and if there are things you've really wanted to start doing or doing more often -- like spending more time with your children, or going to church, or visiting your parents more -- then be specific. Write down that you want to make every Friday night be "family night", or that you want to go to every one of your child's ball games, or you want to visit your parents every Sunday -- whatever. Be specific about days and times and activities, and then make a commitment to fulfill them. And remember....

The next part of the assignement deals with how we go about getting the self-esteem we need to be able to conquer our destructive patterns. How can I force myself to act differently when I feel driven to do certain things which make me feel badly about myself later?

Women particularly have a problem of basing their self-worth on the responses of men. When men find them attractive, they feel desirable, lovable, worthy. Yet when rejected, they automatically feel unworthy as a human being. They are always at the mercy of male attention, ever seeking to fill the void within. Gaining the attention and even love of a desired male, they are exuberant and extremely happy... in the beginning. But the "temporary fix" wears off, the fire crackers stop, the flame begins to wane. The feeling of inadequacy returns and they must seek another partner who will once again ignite the feelings of worth. Many of these women, hurting for love and struggling with feelings of inferiority and unworthiness, make the mistake of confusing sex with love. They sleep with every man whom they bring home with them, and then are left all the more lonely and feeling unworthy than before. It is a vicious, self-defeating cycle. The greater the self-loathing becomes, the more they indulge in promiscuity, and the more men they have sexual relations with in hope of finding love, the greater becomes their self-hatred.

Generally, men tend to base their self-worth on their careers. This contrast between male and female is one of the sources of mis-communications and misunderstandings in marriage. Women want to please their husbands and men want to have esteem in society. A man may feel that his wife is trying to hinder his success by nagging at him to stay home rather than go to some business meeting. And his wife may feel that he doesn't love her anymore because he would rather go to the business meeting than be with her. They both are wrong. This is where compromise comes to play. However, this isn't about marriage problems. Those, as all other living problems, will take care of themselves when we get our own house in order. It is impossible to be true to anyone else if we are not true to ourselves, and when we are true to ourselves, we are automatically true to everyone else. This of course, means being true to our spiritual being, our soul, not to our selfish whims.

We have all heard the term, "workaholic". When a man is suffering from an low self-image, often he will throw himself into his career, pushing not only for financial gain, but for recognition and a sense of honor in society. While his community often praises him and speaks highly of his success and dedication, his family is often suffering in the shadows, wishing he were as devoted to them as he is to his career. He claims that he only does it for them, to provide for them, to give them financial security. Yet, is he being honest with himself? Is he really doing it for them? Or is he doing it to boost his own suffering self-esteem? Self-respect, in all areas of life, is the cornerstone to a positive self-image, peace of mind, and ultimately, happiness. Without it, we are caught in a trap of self-destructive behaviors, though we cannot see that our misery is of our own making.