Self-Respect ~ Assignment Six 
"Set your sights on gaining the respect of others rather than on being liked by them...
| Entrance | Table of Contents | Purpose | Introduction | Daily Actions | Assignment One | Assignment Two, parts 1,2,3 | Assignment Two, part 4 | Assignment Three | Assignment Four, introduction | Assignment Four, part 1 | Recognizing Abuse | The Abusive Marriage | Assignment Four, part 2 | Assignment Five, introduction | Assignment Five |
Assignment Six, part one 
Emotionally drained and possibly even physically ill from having completed Assignment Five, you may feel either a kind of spiritual "high" or you may be over-taken with uneasiness, questioning whether or not you've done the right thing. Be assured ~ you've made no mistake. These are both common reactions to a thorough soul-cleansing, and you may be left with an emotional hang-over for the next 24 hours. Whatever you are experiencing, it is just emotions, and emotional states always pass. It is very important that you do not stop there! Get on with Assignment Six as quickly as possible.
 It is now necessary to dig just a little deeper, or, to peel away one more layer from the onion. We've seen ourselves in a different light, revealing our strengths and weaknesses ~ we now want to discover just exactly what we can build upon and that which needs to be removed. Referring to the previous assignment, write your answers to the following questions:
Most of us live in illusions, nurturing our fantasies of how happy and/or successful we will be when... Some have already given up and have sentenced themselves to permanent incarceration behind the walls of depression and self-pity, thinking how wonderful life could have been, if only... For many years I kept waiting for this or that to happen, thinking that's when life would really begin and I would be happy. One day it suddenly hit me, "This is it. This is my life! This is as good as it gets, unless I do something differently. Whatever I choose to do with today will determine my life tomorrow." I wasted a lot of time trying to "brain-wash" myself, so-to-speak, and eliminate all negative thinking. All the self-help books I read made perfect sense to me at the time I was reading them, but none ever offered me directions. They told me what to do and what not to do, but they didn't tell me how. I could agree with their philosophies, but I couldn't incorporate these ideas into my daily life. It seemed the more I concentrated on getting rid of my negative thoughts, the larger they loomed around me. Many years later, and with a great deal of help, I learned to replace rather than eliminate. Even though I was focusing on not thinking or acting a certain way, I was still giving my attention to the negative. Whatever I give my attention to, I empower. So I actually made myself worse for a while!
Let's review a few of the principles we've touched upon so far...
I cannot change anything or anyone, except myself. When I concentrate on altering my own attitudes and actions, an amazing thing happens ~ The people and situations around me begin to change also! I need not focus so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be bettered in myself. As adults, each of us are responsible for our own well-being. I am responsible for the quality and content of my life... my life is my fault. My life today is the sum of every choice I have made up to this point. I once contributed my unhappiness to those people who did not appreciate me nor give in return what I had given to them. I thought if I could make everyone around me happy, then their responses would make me happy. In effect, I was trying to be responsible for others so that they would take responsibility for me. It didn't work.
Our self-respect, confidence, and feelings of worth are directly derived from our actions. Once we realize how certain behaviors make us feel about ourselves, it becomes easier to make right decisions. Most of us get tripped up by the desire for instant gratification. We tend to do what feels good NOW, disregarding how we will feel later. This is where self-discipline is required, which far too many adults are lacking. Self-restraint and discipline are much more difficult to practice when we have no one to answer to but our own conscience and the consequences are internal. It's too easy to remain immature in these areas, and when the feelings of regret or shame come upon us, we justify our actions and blame our negative feelings on outside forces.
I come in contact with far too many people without self-respect, and though their actions may be quite difficult to tolerate and often impossible to approve of, I am able to recoginze the suffering these actions bring upon them. A lack of self-respect diminishes respect for others, as well, thereby inflicting one's misery on all those they come in contact with. Regardless of the heartache another may have caused you, please know that their own pain is inescapable. No other person on the face of this earth ever "has to" live with me if they do not want to, yet I must live within my own skin every day. It is I who must live with the thoughts and feelings produced by my actions and attitudes, and the only way to escape suffering is through changing what is within myself. The solution then?
It's not a good idea to base your decisions on the way you feel at the moment, and it's never wise to make any desicions during the height of intense emotions. Situations get resolved, we calm down, and often, we feel completely different after a good night's sleep. Emotions always change. I used to wait to feel a certain way to know what was the right thing to do. I lived in much confusion as a result, never certain what was right or wrong for me. What seemed to be so right one day felt terribly wrong the next day. I couldn't understand it. Then I learned the secret. I must base my decisions and actions on what I already know to be right, despite how I may or may not feel at the time. None of us are able to think rationally during intense emotions, and with the little things in life, much of the time we simply don't want to do them.
I don't know about others, but most of the time I have delayed reactions to my decisions. I think of the many times my children wanted me to take them to the park and there were so many other things I really wanted to do instead. But when I spent that time with my children, in spite of not wanting to at the time, that night I would lay in bed with a smile on my face, feeling good about what I had done. On the other side of that coin, when I followed my feelings and did what I wanted to do instead, I found myself later filled with self-condemnation and regret. And the same has followed when I've acted on other emotions. It feels good to blow off steam when I'm angry, but later I feel like a fool and often have apologies to make for saying things I didn't mean. It feels good to sit home and watch TV rather than stay with my son at ball practice, but later, I feel ashamed of myself for not making my child important enough to give up an hour of my time. The list goes on and on, but you can see that our actions, reardless of how they feel at the moment, play a big part in either building or crushing our self-respect and sense of worth. We must learn to think ahead and ask ourselves if we are willing to face the emotional consequences of that particular decision. The times in my life that I have been the most emotionally distraught, filled with the desire to act out in some way ~ through anger, hurt, disappointment, or fear ~ have been the times it was most imperative that I did NOTHING. These, of course, are the very times we feel the strongest sense of urgency to act now, as if we must do something immediately to remedy the problem, or at least, let someone know just how upset we are! A strong feeling of urgency is most usually self-will driving us to take control of a situation, when we most need to surrender the problem into God's care and wait to be shown His will. I have learned, when faced with such an emotionally-charged situation, that it is best if I stop for just a moment and ask myself this one, important question:
"A year from now, when I look back on this situation, how do I want to see myself having handled it?"
The answer is always that I want the good feeling of knowing I maintained my poise and dignity, and walked through it with faith in God's power. This may not give me an idea of what I need to do at present, but it definitely tells me what I don't want to do! When faced with a crisis, it's quite possible to make yourself stop in the midst of it all, get quiet, and make a few lists. The first list I use is a "Fact List". I write down the facts of my life, and of the upsetting situation, for that day. Remember, stick to the facts! Suspicions and probabilities don't count; Circumstancial evidence must be thrown out; you must shatter your crystal ball, throw out your magic magnifying glass, turn off your psychic powers which tell you what other people are thinking, and burn that mental screen play you've been writing for everyone to follow.
Basically, tell yourself that you have resigned from position as supreme being and are turning the throne back over to God! It's absolutely amazing just how many things are purely imagination and not fact at all, once we honestly face the facts. And when you find yourself enthralled by all the "What If's", tell yourself that you must write down 1,000 what if's, and then think of one more. You see, the list of what if's is infinitely endless... and just as useless. When I engage in second-guessing a person or situation, chances are, somewhere along the line, I will guess the truth -- the problem is, I won't know it when I do, so what's the point of putting myself through it? A very wise lady I know used to tell me all the time, "Don't trouble trouble until trouble troubles you!" In other words, don't go looking for trouble based on some radical emotion you feel at the time. You may find the only trouble that exists is the trouble you, yourself created in your search!
Another wise lady once told me that if I worry now about something that hasn't happened, I'm suffering as if it had already happened. Then, if it does happen, I will suffer just the same all over again, having made myself suffer twice for only one heartache. And then if the thing never happens, I will have suffered for nothing. Jealousy, suspicion, and bitterness, which all spring forth from our own fears and insecurities, are the major contributors to crimes of passion ~ whether they be as simple as false accusations and a few broken dishes, or as serious as murder. Life truly is a game, and 90% of it is played between the ears. If we are ever to live happily and comfortably on this planet, within our own skin, we must learn the spiritual "rules" which govern the game and then use them to our advantage.
Many people make such arrogant and ignorant statements as, "I refuse to play games! I'm too honest for that." But life is not a spectator sport. We must get in the game and participate in life. What they actually mean is that they do not want to participate in manipulations and deceptions, and this is very wise indeed. However, don't be foolish enough to think that just because you refuse to be devious and dishonest does not mean that others share your values. You either play the game by spiritual principles and win, or you will be subject to another's rules by default. One way or another, the deck will be stacked, so you might as well stack it in your favor! No matter how much we declare that we will not stoop to another's tactics, if we are not diligently seeking the spiritual solution, chances are we will, at some point, realize that we, ourselves, are guilty of behaving less than honorably. Again I must reinterate that if we do not take control of our emotions, they will control us, and the only way I know to do this is to honor my commitments and morals instead of my emotions.
I think probably one of the greatest mistakes many of us have made is playing detective. Envy, jealousy, and even greed, all which have their roots in fear, can push us into some pretty irrational behaviors. Fear grips us, anger takes over, our suspcions become a reality in our minds, and we set out to enforce justice! We become the Private Investigator, the Prosecuting Attorney, the Jury, and the Judge all rolled into one, and the other party never knows what hit them. We make numerous phone calls, some revealing our identity and others are made in cognito. We go for late-night drives to see who is where and with whom. We secretly check messages on answering machines and look for certain telephone numbers or codes left on pagers. We snnop through drawers, cabinets, glove compartments, and even another's wallet. We ask trick questions. We interrogate innocent people. We have set out on a full-blown fact-finding mission, and the more we act upon the obsession, the power it obtains to destroy our peace of mind, security, relationships, and our self-respect. Chances are, you will find exactly what you already think you're going to find, which is what you most do not want to find! So why do we do this to ourselves? Once you obtain all the facts you need to convict the guilty party, you do not have the right to confront them with it. Illegally-obtained evidence is not admissable. If you admit to finding something while snooping or making bogus phone calls, you then must admit to being just as guilty of deceit as they person you are condemning. It's a no-win situation. If you honestly had any intentions of ending the relationship, you would have done so without playing detective. And if you're not going to do anything differently once you obtain the incriminating proof, then what purpose does it serve but to increase your own inner turmoil. We all must learn to turn in our badges, step down from the Judge's stand, and once again allow God to take His rightful place in our lives.
without any action on my part."
I have discovered the only way -- for me -- to change my thinking and feelings is to change my actions. Feelings always follow actions, and never the reverse. I used to spend my life waiting to feel a certain way before I knew what was the right thing to do. I now know that I must do what is right, despite my feelings at the time, and after I've taken such action, based on what I know rather than on what I feel, the appropriate feelings will follow later. Moaping around the house, looking pitiful and acting depressed is very depressing! But when I force myself to get up, get dressed in something that looks nice, and start acting as if I am enthusiastic about life, I start to feel a little excited. Once I make myself do the things that need to be done and then take time to do some things I really enjoy, I can lay down at night and feel good about myself for having taken care of my obligations, and feel a little better about life having engaged in something that offers me pleasure. And all the small instances which seem so insignificant at the time usually turn out to be the ones which make the greatest impact in the future.
Unfortunately, depression and boredom are often two things we hesitiate to turn loose of. These are not our fault, we think, and we certainly aren't about to admit that there is some type of personal benefit connected to these feelings. However, the truth of the matter is, any negative emotion or state of mind which lingers indefinitely has its rewards. If it failed to get us the attention, sympathy, or control we seek, we would soon give it up and move on. This, of course, happens at a sub-conscious level and those stuck in self-defeating patterns cannot see how they have any choice in what they are feeling. Rest assured ~ we always have a choice. Growing up into mature, responsible adults is the most difficult thing any of us face, and many of us never do. Although we want to be happy and successful, few of us are willing to eliminate blame from our way of thinking and take full responsibility for ourselves.
And so, the last question we face before moving on to Assignment Seven is just this:
Am I willing to let of the attitudes and behaviors which perpetuate misery, uneasiness, and failure in my life, and diligently work towards being the best person I can be each day?
 Self-Esteem 
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