Unlike other well organized movie guides, mine does not have a comprehensive actors listing, nay, even an accurate one. Nor does it contain a concise, easy to understand synopsis. And definitely do not expect to read any non-partial/fair ratings-if they're crap, they're crap! But do expect an honest and funny, sometimes biased, account of (almost) every movie I've ever seen!
Starring: the main actors and/or the ones I consider to be worth mentioning
Plot: one sentence summary of the film.
Best Bits: best quotes/ scenes etc in my opinion
Worst bit: could be a scene/ a line or a hairstyle!
Changes: scenes I'd want changed/actors I'd like to see cast/actors I'd like to see given the heave-ho etc
Verdict: My general thoughts and all.
The South Park sendups are courtesy of Sweeet.com.
=highly recommended viewing
Absolute Power (5.5/10)
Starring: Clint ‘squinty’ Eastwood, the woman from Primal Fear and The Congo.
Plot: Burglar witnesses a murder and stuff happens.
Best Bit: Hmmm.
Worst Bit: Boring and forgettable.
Verdict: I can hardly remember what happened. There’s an estranged daughter (or do you only use estranged with father or mother?) and cops trying to capture her burglar-father and an explosion and wrinkles and squinting.
Airheads (6.5/10)
Starring: Steve Buscemi, Brendan Fraser, David Arquette, Beavis & Butt-head! Adam Sandler.
Plot: Wannabe rock band seige a radio station and all hell breaks loose.
Best Bit: Steve is in it! Adam's character is kind of sweet.
Worst Bit: Steve is not funny.
Verdict: Not really worth it actually. It's another notch on my Buscemi watch-list tho'.
Alice (7/10)
Starring: Mia ‘what’s new?‘ Farrow, Joe Mantegna, who played her husband? probably other well known people I can’t quite remember.
Plot: Married woman becomes tired of her everyday boring life and starts to really live when she meets an interesting stranger.
Best Bit: I liked the scene where she’s ‘seducing’ Joe with all that whispering-crack up!
Worst Bit: As if Mia Farrow would have two guys pining for her! She’s frumpy! I can’t even believe that Frank Sinatra was married to her!
Verdict: Not bad-didn’t see the whole thing. It’s your typical Woody Allen film with more focus on people’s conversations and observations.
Alien 3 (8.5/10)
Starring: Sigourney 'scary but nice voice' Weaver, Lance 'smoker's rasp' Henrikson, the bald guy-which one? All of them.
Plot: It's ba~ack! This time it's in an all-male prison.
Best Bit: When Bishop comes back to 'life' and he's talking with hald a face! The black guy was really a good egg.
Worst Bit: The doggie died. The black guy 'sacrificed' himself. There weren't any hot guys when there could have been.
Verdict: Pretty damn good. Lots of tension and grisly bits. Funny how she didn't seem the least bit upset that her doc friend got chewed up by the alien!
Alien Resurrection (8.5/10)
Starring: Sigourney Weaver, Winona Ryder, and other people.
Plot: She's ba~ck! And so is the alien.
Best Bit: Can't remember! Honestly.
Worst Bit: The poor dog!
Verdict: Pretty good. The ending was sad (boo-hoo sad not pathetic sad). Poor wittle bubby thought mommy didn't love him.
All Of Me (7.5/10)
Starring: Steve ‘white haired’ Martin, Lily Tomlin, the woman from that Sidney Sheldon movie adaptation, Steve’s real-ilfe wife (at the time).
Plot: Eccentric, rich woman’s spirit ends up in the body of her lawyer rather than the body of another woman as originally planned.
Best Bit: So funny at the beginning when he couldn’t get used to her taking over one half of his body. Could be a new dance move somewhere in there.
Worst Bit: ?
Verdict: This kind of thing has been done so many times but new stuff has been added to the tired formula. Plus you can’t get much better than Steve & Lily!
Amazing Stories (7/10)
Starring: Hayley Mills, Jon Cryer, some girl from ‘Just the 10 of Us’ series from the 80s.
Plot: 4 short amazing stories.
Best Bit: The one with Jon Cryer and his fantasies of the perfect girl.
Worst Bit: Hayley Mills’ talent was wasted!
Verdict: I remember seeing this at the movies when I was a kid-I’d dragged my parents along. Funny how parents have to sit through so much stuff they don’t enjoy for the sake of their kids! I’m not really sure what possessed me to see this again. I realized how childish a lot of it was but if you don’t mind a bit of childish fantasy it’s not bad!
American Beauty (9/10)
Starring: Kevin Spacey, Annette Bening, Scott Bakula, the girl from American Pie, the girl that looks familiar, the guy that looks like Joaquin Pheonix
(10/10)
Starring: Mark Borchardt, Mike and the rest of the weird gang.
Plot: A hilarious documentary about Mark and his film Northwestern-the difficulties of getting an independent film done.
Best Bit: Too many to mention-here’s a few- natural vs. unnatural crosses, cleaning up other peoples’ shit, vodka talk, scratch-offs [we call them scratchies] anonymous, dropping acid in hospital, eating turkey in the basement and not answering the question, losing the Coven flyers…
Worst Bit: I don’t think there was one. Maybe the bit where Mark is swearing during some ballgame, and putting his mum down.
Verdict: Funny, weird, insightful and cool. An honest doco-cos it’s real I suppose! Mike laughs like Butt-head.
American Psycho (7.5/10)
Starring: Christian 'growns up' Bale, Reese Witherspoon, the guy from Urban Legend, Willem 'scarecrow face' Defoe.
Plot: Seemingly straightlaced Wall Street businessman has a freaky night time hobby.
Best Bit: Christian Bale is fantastic! Really cold and heartless performance. Wow! But u still felt the pain and emptiness that he feels. I aslo loved the deadpan style they talk in. And the businesscard obsession. The raincoat moonwalk. The philosophical musical lectures he gives.
Worst Bit: He killed the dog. The bastard! Poor doggie. And he was almost going to kill the kitty. I didn't like when he killed the prostitute with the chainsaw. From then on it was a bit disturbing.
Verdict: Starts off quirky and funny and surreal, then gets a bit disturbing, then gets strange and ends in confusion. But I thought it had its moments and I think I enjoyed it.
NB: Not a good 'first date' movie to see!!!!!
An American Werewolf in Paris (8/10)
Starring: Tom Everett Scott, Julie Delpy.
Plot: It's about an American werewolf in Paris!
Best Bit: When all the condoms fly out of his breast pocket. Of course, that bungee jump! And the other one too. And when she falls like 10cm from the ground. Cool.
Worst Bit: The scenes with the dead people cos it wasn't really funny in the first one and it still wasn't very funny.
Verdict: A damn sight better than the first one. Although the original isn't really that bad. More hip and action oriented with (obviously) better special effects.
An American Werewolf in London (8/10)
Starring: ?
Plot: The title says it all.
Best Bit: That I finally watched it! The special effects are kind of funny-they're a bit primitive but cool.
Worst Bit: The annoying zombies and their arguments.
Verdict: More satirical than I would have thought. I actually like the sequel a lot better.
Amistad (8.5/10)
Starring: Anthony Hopkins, Matthew McNaughay, Morgan Freeman,
Plot: Illegal slavery and freedom rights in the 1800s.
Best Bit: "Give us, us free" - Sinke. Thebit in court where he's trying to get the native to smile.
Worst Bit: The whipping scenes. Really disgusting that anybody could do that! Matt's hair & glasses. He looked old.
Verdict: I don't think this did very well 'at the box office', but it's pretty good. A bit heavy & depressing, especially right at the very end when he goes back to his homeland and there's nothing to go home to!
Amityville '92 (5/10)
Starring: Megan 'Dark Skies' Follows(is that her name?), the kid and the woman and the father, who looks familiar.
Plot: This time, a clock brings all the nasty stuff into the house.
Best Bit: Hmmm.
Worst Bit: The microphone pops into view at the top of the screen in the kitchen scene!!!!!
Verdict: Not scary or creepy as the first. Don't bother.
The Amityville Horror (6/10)
Starring: Lois Lane, Josh Brolin
Plot: Family moves into new house but it's haunted/possessed and bad stuff happens.
Best Bit: The flies, maybe.
Worst Bit: Some of the stuff that happens is really silly.
Verdict: Has its scary, creepy moments. But did it all really happen? I know it's supposed to be based on fact. I remember I used to wake up at around 3-3.30am every night for about two weeks after I read the book and that freaked me out!
Angels with Dirty Faces (8/10)
Starring: Humphrey Bogart? James Cagney? I really don't remember.
Plot: Something to do with a priest and some neglected kids or something. Maybe that's a whole other movie! Sounds a bit like that Bob Hoskins movie. um, Twenty-Four Seven, I think.
Best Bit: Can't remember.
Worst Bit: Can't remember, but I don't really think there was one. Uh, actually, I think there was this bit near the end where I nearly cried or something. Hey, it's coming back to me slowly. James Cagney gives up his tough reputation to save a bunch of kids from becoming like him. A touching moment.
Verdict: It was pretty good. Not many boring bits. James Cagney is cool.
Armageddon (8.5/10)
Starring: Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, Liv ‘big mouth’ Tyler, Steve Buscemi, that big black guy, the fat guy, the blonde guy, the googly-eyed guy, the balding guy, the Russian guy.
Plot: Meteorite on a collision course with earth threatens the existence of all mankind!
Best Bit: Steve!
Worst Bit: That the stupid timer on the bomb conked out. Oscar died! I thought it was racist how they didn’t warn any of the countries that these meteors were coming. Yeah, who cares about the Asians, eh? Not nice! The French also got obliterated. But most of the French people I’ve met were snobs so I didn’t think much of that.
Changes: Oscar must live! Cut out the obligatory Presidential speech about preserving life and humanity blah blah blah! Cliché!
Verdict: Pretty good! Similar to Deep Impact what with the meteor thing and blowing it up from the inside and all. But this one focuses more on the people in space rather than the turmoil on earth. As if a father would let his only daughter work in the middle of the ocean where there’s only guys and no other females for miles around! Yeah right! Steve was funny. He has bad teeth. Ben has perfect teeth-too perfect.
Asassins (6.5/10)
Starring: Julianne Moore, Antonio Banderas, Sylvester Stallone, was that Ghandi guy in it? What's his name again? Ben Kingsley?
Plot: A couple of assassins go about their assassinating business.
Best Bit: Julianne Moore!
Worst Bit: Antonio's character dies. Plus that bloody bank scene went on for ages.
Changes: Antonio should've seen the light and they could have been a happy trio with money to burn.
Verdict: This is the movie where I first saw Julianne Moore. She is so cool! Her role is very cool. Antonio's is ok but he's a bit of a dillweed.
The Assignment (9/10)
Starring: Aiden Quinn, Ben Kinglsey? Can’t remember.
Plot: Guy who looks like a spy is assigned to act as his decoy.
Best Bit: Twists and turns in the plot.
Worst Bit: None.
Verdict: Surprising, good action film, clever ending.
Austen Powers: The Man of Mystery (7/10)
Starring: Mike ‘goofy’ Myers, Elizabeth ‘she’s not that special’ Hurley, the guy from Melrose Place!
Plot: He’s a spy from the 70s in the 90s. Whatever.
Best Bit: I thought it was interesting how they did the bits about the families of the bad guys that died. You know, how even an evil character or an insignificant character has a family and friends and when they die how it affects them. Most of the time they just die and you don’t think any more of it. Also the many ways to hide nudity-the painting was a good one.
Worst Bit: Gets a bit much.
Verdict: You really have to be in the right frame of mind to enjoy this. It’s clever but it was just too much for me. I felt tired afterwards.
Bad Boys (9/10)
Starring: Will 'fresh from Fresh Prince' Smith, Martin Lawrence, Tea 'Mrs. Duchovny' Leoni
Plot: Two cops get mixed up with their identities and a girl and some killers.
Best Bit: Will Smith. He was hot! And I predicted he's be huge after this and I was right! Yo, that's valid, g! (What does 'g' mean?!)
Worst Bit: Will's character gallivanting about with women. The annoying way Tea Leoni speaks.
Verdict: Pretty cool. I saw this 3 times at the cinemas cos I had a free yearly pass!
Basquiat (6/10)
Starring: Claire Forlani, David Bowie, the black dude.
Plot: About the rise and fall of a humble black artist.
Best Bit: Maybe the extravagant house -whose, I can't remember!
Worst Bit: Pretty much the whole thing.
Verdict: Huh?! Too long and boring and weird.
Bean (6.5/10)
Starring: Rowan Atkinson
Plot: Bean power hits America.(not as in farts or anything)
Best Bit: Nothing really springs to mind.
Worst Bit: Where was his little teddy?
Verdict: Too much of a good thing. The tv show is funny cos it's nice and short but 2 hours is just too much. I saw this on the plane to New York (I think).
Beautiful Girls (7/10)
Starring: Matt Dillon, Uma Thurman, Natalie Portman, someone who looks like Ally Sheedy(or is it?), the guy from Kiss of Death, Lauren Holly, Rosie O’Donnell, David Arquette, Mira Sorvino, who’s the main guy? The flitty-eyed bartender.
Plot: I actually skipped most of it but I think there was a high school reunion and all the stuff from high school comes flooding back.
Best Bit: Natalie Portman. How the family dotes on the girlfriend more than the boyfriend!
Worst Bit: Renting the video because David was in it and he’s only in it for about 3 minutes! Plus, now I don’t like him that much.
Verdict: I found it a bit boring but passable. The ‘semi romance’ between Nat and the guy is sweet. You think there’s gonna be a bit where it’s gonna start some trouble but thankfully not.
The Beguiled (8/10)
Starring: Clint 'scowly' Eastwood, the little women-not 'scary little' (not, it just reminds me of the film cos there's a lot of women in it and they live in the one house)
Plot: A wounded(?) soldier(?) finds refuge in a house full of women and they all end up being horny and jealous.
Best Bit: When she cuts off his leg! I don't remember much else!
Worst Bit: Too weird.
Verdict: The only thing I remember about this apart from the leg, was that it had a really creepy atmosphere. Kinda surreal. At the end you think 'huh?'
The Big Hit (9/10)
Starring: Mark 'Marky Mark' Wahlberg, Christina 'wow, she's working' Applegate, Chine 'sounds like a name for a cartoon character or something' Chow, Antonio 'Calvin' Sabato Jr, Bokeem sounds like a cigar' Woodbine, Lou 'wow, he's working too' Diamond Phillips, Elliot Gould.
Plot: Professional hitmen stuff up by unwittingly kidnapping god-daughter of their boss.
Best Bit: Antonio looks great. Lou is hilarious! (He's also wearing a Gautier shirt cos I saw Natalie Portman wearing the same design but as a dress). Mark is good but he's playing the same character he was playing in Boogie Nights! (Soft spoken and polite, but with a mission. You know what I mean.) The shooty bit at the beginning. When they've got all their guns ready to shoot off under the dining table. The "trace" scene. The ransom note. The video store nerd thinking he's the boss. The name Melvin Smiley-sounds like a porn persona as well! (Used to have a long-running joke about Melvin the midget with no legs-real person-there was some documentary about him and he's trying to sit up and it takes considerable effort but when he gets up he pants "made it" so I used to call him 'Melvin Made-it'. Don't worry.)
Elliot Gould 'dad': [talking about Melvin]...who's very charming, in a Rainman kind of way.
Worst Bit: Antonio wasn't in it for very long. Damn!
Verdict: I thought it was cool! Action, humour, stupidity, martial arts, goatees... I read some review about it and it wasn't very favourable but I dunno, I liked it!
Blade (8.5/10)
Starring: Wesley Snipes, Stephen Dorf.
Plot: Vampire bounty ‘bounties’ vampires! Action, blood and fangs.
Best Bit: Special fx are pretty cool. Nifty gadgets-ala James Bond. Swift moves. The music works well. I liked when the skeletons come out of the bodies!
Worst Bit: I didn’t like when they killed the pure blood elite or whatever-pulling out his teeth and stuff. That wasn’t nice. The younguns just don’t have any respect for their elders!
I also thought it was a shame that the cop guy died cos he was kinda cute.
It’s a shame about mum. Why is it that if you’re a vampire you’re just suddenly all evil? Can’t you be a nice person and also drink blood to survive?
Changes/Oddities: It doesn’t really make much sense to turn everybody into a vampire (as was the master plan) because then how would they feed? There’d be no more ‘cattle’ left!
Verdict: A slick, action-packed(sometimes get a bit repetitive), seductive vampire movie. I liked it!
Did you notice how Stephen’s head looked out of proportion to his body cos of those tight pants?
Blonde Crazy (8.5/10)
Starring: James Cagney.
Plot: Soft-hearted con artist falls for partner but loses her to some poetry spewing chump.
Best Bit: James Cagney! “Hi hoooney” The ending was satisfying but not all roses.
Worst Bit: Bastard back-stabbing husband she winds up with.
Verdict: It’s clever, funny, sharp and keeps you interested.
(10/10)
Starring: John Travolta, Nancy Allen, the guy from 'Third Rock from the Sun'-oh yeah, John Lithgow!!! that Franz guy from NYPD something-or-othe, oh yeah, Dennis Franz.
Plot: Sound man witnesses a car crash and pieces together evidence that it was murder but nobody wants to know-except for the person who planned the murder, of course!
Best Bit: The screaming auditions. Pathetic!!! Nancy Allen. The bit where he's distinguishing the sounds on the film in his studio-makes it look like an interesting and cool profession!
"It's a good scream, good scream" right at the end.
Worst Bit: Nancy dies-it's too sad.
Bob Roberts (6/10)
Starring: Tim Robbins, and co.
Plot: About the presidential campaign of a folk-singing youngster.
Best Bit: The songs were kinds interesting.
Worst Bit: I didn’t really find it funny.
Verdit: Am I dumb, but I didn’t really see what was so great about this. It’s supposed to be a satirical hysterical deal but it didn’t do anything for me!
Bodysnatchers (7/10)
Starring: Gabrielle Anwar, Meg Tilly, the woman who used to go out with Jason Priestley!
Plot: Town is overtaken by bodysnatchers. They are not who they seem.
Best Bit: Meg Tilly.
Worst Bit: It’s basically a rehash of Invasion of the Body Snatchers from the 80s which in turn is a rehash of the original from the 50s or 60s!
Verdict: Enjoyable but a bit corny. Some lines and sequences are exactly the same as in the 80s one. I liked the 80s one much better. I haven’t had a chance to see the original-no video store has it!!!
Boogie Nights (7.5/10)
Starring: Mark 'Marky Mark' Wahlberg, Julianne 'shiny' Moore, Heather 'barbie' Graham, Burt Reynolds, William 'Fargo' H.Macy, the long-haired guy with the pot belly, the curly-haired guy who looks bald when his hair gets wet, the guy that looks like he's wearing a disguise with the moustache, the black guy that's into country, the girl from 200 Cigarettes, and some familar faces with names I don't know.
Plot: As if you don't know already! The 70s and the whole porn film industry.
Best Bit: The dancing bit where they're all dressed the same. The guy that plays Scotty is...unique. He's good! Heather Graham's skating. The opening sequence of the James Bond-like film series. Crack up! Especially when he's running along the roof in those shoes and it looks like he's gonna fall down. Also when he's practising that song with the curly-haired guy. The country music on the hi-fi. Yeah, feel that bass!
'freaky deaky'
Worst Bit: When it gets all disturbing and scary. Especially the bit with Rollergirl and that guy in the car. The sad thing is that I reckon all guys'd probably be like that in that situation! Too depressing. When he shows his thang right at the end. Gross! I think it would have been much more intriguing if they'd just left us in the dark. Like the art of suggestion. I felt really sorry for the 'colonel'(?the old guy with the sunnies) when he's getting slapped around in jail.
Changes: I wish Rollergirl had a bra. I wish Amber didn't wear all that shiny makeup.
Verdict: It starts off really funny, loud, garrish(?) and fun. But then it gets all dark and scary and I found it disturbing. I found myself flinching! (sounds funny) Stupid Amber got him hooked on cocaine and that's when all the changes started happening. I thought the black guy was gonna get shot in the donut shop! Or else his wife would be dead when he got back to the car. Sad how Fargo guy killed himself. He was funny! Burt Reynolds was pretty darn good. A nice father figure. I don't think I've ever seen any of his films. Maybe one dumb film about some car race a-la National Lampoon's. The music was good. The clothes were bad.
Broadway Danny Rose (9/10)
Starring: Woody ‘neurotic’ Allen, Mia Farrow.
Plot: Hard working talent agent and his ‘talentless’ talent-according to booking agents anyway.
Best Bit: I liked the rendition of ‘Plenty of Money’! And some of the acts he represents are so funny. Woody is also very sweet as Danny Rose.
Worst Bit: How his biggest act just walks out on him-no loyalty!
Verdict: Very cool, sweet, funny, entertaining.
Broken Arrow (8/10)
Starring: John 'clefty' Travolta, Christian 'eyebrows' Slater, Samantha Mathis, uh, I could be wrong. I can't remember who the girl was actually.
Plot: Loony guy steals military plane and wants a ransom or he'll blow up something-probably Washington.
Best Bit: None that come to mind. I guess I could say, Travolta's quirky/insane/cool/sinister character-but he's always playing the same guy!
Worst Bit: None of these ransom deals ever works out! Remember The Rock, Ransom and about a billion other such movies? Can't we see something totally unexpected and new for a change?!
Verdict: Your standard action flick. It's not bad. Travolta starts off slightly cool and ends up being slightly annoying.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (5/10)
Starring: Kristy Swanson, Luke ‘puke’ Perry, Donald ‘he’s old’ Sutherland, Hillary ‘pre boy days’ Swank.
Plot: The title says it all really.
Best Bit: I guess where she’s training and all.
Worst Bit: The vampires don’t go poof when they die, which I really like in the tv series. It’s really not that good and it doesn’t give any insights into the tv series.
Verdict: Not really worth it. Tho’ you do get to see Kristy kick some butt.
(8/10)
Starring: Stephen Rea is the only one I know!
Plot: The trials and tribulations of young "Francey" growing up in a troubled family and trying to be happy.
Best Bit: When Francey runs amok in Mrs. Neugent's house and is caught doing a poop in her living room. What a crack up! (Reminds me of Eskimoe Joe "This is the last gig of the tour, we should do something naughty like poo in Supergrass' dressing room!")
Worst Bit: How Joe turns his back on Francey. Bastard!
Verdict: Bizarre, weird, strangely engaging film. Accents may be a bit hard to follow for some. It's a bit of a sad fil but there's some funny bits and it's all a bit surreal. How come he acts so grown up? Like the way he talks and stuff.
The Cable Guy (5.5/10)
Call Me (6.5/10)
Starring: Steve ‘legend’ Buscemi, the guy that looks a bit like Christopher Walken, can’t remember anybody else!
Plot: Woman gets ‘involved’ with a mysterious caller.
Best Bit: Steve as Switch! Crack up!
Worst Bit: Husband(?boyfriend) interrupted the steamy conversation!
Verdict: The Steve bits are definitely the high point. The rest is just ok.
Candyman (9.5/10)
Starring: Veronica 'looks like Gillian Anderson!' Madsen, the big black guy, the bald guy-he was in Air Force One and Gattaca!.
Plot: Woman finds out her research on the urban legend of 'candyman' is actually true.
Best Bit: The actual chanting thing. I remember when I was a kid and people telling me about the chant and I tried to do it and I was too scared, even though I didn't know what would actually happen if I did say it!
Worst Bit: The husband cheating on her. Bastard!
Verdict: Very cool. Creepy and great imagery, seductive!
Candyman 2 (7.5/10)
Starring: Don't know, well, the same black guy.
Plot: Pretty much the same thing.
Best Bit: The hook coming out of the screen.
Worst Bit: Helen's not in it!
Verdict: Definitely not worthy of the first one. You don't really cxare what happens to any of the characters.
Charade (10/10)
Chain Reaction (7/10)
Starring: Keanu Reeves, that girl, some older guy who I should know but can't remember, and 'Somerset' Morgan Freeman.
Plot: Engineer guy develops cheap efficient energy to help save earth's resources, but all the corporations that make money from the energy that's bad for the environment want to destroy it, or something.
Best Bit: The ride on the thing on the ice. Loked like fun!
Worst Bit: Keanu's all fat and long haired.
Verdict: Yeah, it's ok but could have been better.
(8/10)
Starring: Joey 'drowning' Lauren Adams, Ben Affleck, Jason Lee, Matt Damon, Brian O'Halloran, Kevin Smith, Jason Mewes.
Plot: Guy falls for lesbian and a frightful hoo har ensues.
Best Bit: Silent Bob speaks! The argument abouth whether or not Archie is gay(I've never thought that he was!)
Worst Bit: Joey Lauren Adams when she's crying/shouting/upset-sounds like a drowning cat gasping for breath. Sorry, Kevin, I know you used to go out with her and all, but I just couldn't stand it!
Changes: I'd like to have seen someone else play Alyssa. Maybe Heather Graham? I know Jennifer Tilly would have been cool but she'd be too mature and all.
Verdict: A sensitive issue handled in a funny yet mature manner. Tho' it's not a patch on the pure insanity that was Clerks, I must say.
Citizen Kane (7/10)
Starring: Orson Welles, I forget who else.
Plot: A guy with a lot of money starts up a newspaper and gets a lot more money.
Best Bit: That scene where he's standing in front of a huge photo of himself, cos it's just such a famous image.
Worst Bit: All the damn hype and praise surrounding this movie.
Verdict: What is the big deal?! I didn't think it was anything spectacular. I knew 'rosebud' had something to do with his fonder childhood memories! Hey, at least I can say that I've seen it!
Clear & Present Danger (6/10)
Starring: Harrison 'goody two shoes' Ford, can't remember who else cos I can't distinguish this movie apart from all his other ones!
Plot: Um, I think he's in government and his family is kidnapped/threatened by terrorists and he has to save them. Like I said, same old, same old.
Best Bit: If I could remember any of it, I'd have something to say.
Worst Bit: If I could remember any of it, I'd have something to say.
Verdict: I honestly can't remember! There's a car chase or something. I think there's a boat chase as well. Were there I rish in it? Or is that just The Devil's Own? The only way I distinguish that one is by telling myself, 'that's the Harrison Ford movie with Brad Pitt'.
(10/10)
Starring: Brian O'Halloran, Jeff Anderson(?),Kevin Smith, Jason Mewes.
Plot: Two loser guys in loser jobs trying(?) to make the most of their loser lives.
Best Bit: Too many to go through. See my Quotes page for all the low down!
Worst Bit: Seeing the end credits.
Changes: Are you kidding?
Verdict: An absolute riot. I can't believe how good this is. It's so "raw". It's so cool. Hilarious. I like this best out of all the films cos it's so cheaply made with a handful of actors, some of whom play different characters and pop up again & again
It's also in grainy balck & white! All the people are unknown! I wish Kevin would just stick with the same people in all his films. That'd be a hoot! Toofunny, as Jay would say.
Clockers (8/10)
Starring: The black guy that played a weird witch doctor type in Devil’s Advocate, was Harvey Keitel in this? I don’t know, he’s everywhere.
Plot: Black neighborhood, crime, gangs and stuff.
Best Bit: Realism? Well, it doesn’t seem to have been too sensationalized. Yo. Bro. Wassup? A’ight?
Worst Bit: ?
Verdict: Pretty intense and blunt.
Coma (9.5/10)
Starring: Genevieve Bujold, Michael Douglas, who else? Oh, yeah, Tom Selleck!!!
Plot: A doctor finds that many patients are ending up in comas during simple operations and intends to get to the bottom of it, dammit!
Best Bit: Her cleverness. How she escapes by getting on top of the van. The plot. That scene when all the bodies start moving-crack up.
Worst Bit: None really.
Verdict: A brilliantly entertaining film! Clever and different. No dull moments at all, except for the ending when you know she's gonna be saved. It would have been something if she ended up in a coma aswell and we see Michael crying, 'oh, why didn't I listen to her?!'
Congo (7/10)
Starring: That woman that was in that film with Richard Gere, I think, the little gorilla Amy(?) she was cool! Tim 'goggle eyes' Rice(but isn't that the guy who wrote the music or whatever for The Lion King??!! Or is that another Rice? Or maybe his surname is Curry? I'm confused) but the guy who was in Rocky Horror Picture Show!
Plot: A bunch of people go into the Congo(the same one that was mentioned in DPS?) to a) search for another bunch of poeple and b)to return little Amy to the wild.
Best Bit: Little Amy was cute. I wonder whose voice they used. The bit when they're surrounded by scary apes in the cave and all the diamonds are just sittin' there and stuff. I would've grabbed a couple!
Worst Bit: I think some of them died, but that's standard. Uh, that Tim someone-or-other dies, I think. He reminded me of Fagan from Oliver! haha dig that!
Verdict: Not too bad. Some action and some tense moments.
Conspiracy Theory (7.5/10)
Starring: Mel 'he's gone all Yank' Gibson, Julia 'mega mouth' Roberts, who else?
Plot: Crazy guy and his crazy conspiracy theories may not be so crazy after all.
Best Bit: How he escapes from his apartment.
Changes: I reckon Steve Buscemi would have been great in the main part. Maybe get someone like Marisa Tomei to have a crack at something different! (She was great in Four Rooms!)
Verdict: A bit fantastical. I've never liked Mel Gibson...and I still don't! Julia Roberts has a big mouth and big nostrils.
Cool Runnings (8.5/10)
Starring: John Candy and the Jamaican sled team(was it really them?)
Plot: The story of how Jamaica got a sled team and all.
Best Bit: Probably the training sequences.
Worst Bit: Can't remember.
Verdict: It's ok. A bit of fun.
Copycat (9/10)
Starring: Sigourney Weaver, Holly 'always has a Southern accent' Hunter, Harry Connick Jnr, William McNamara, Dermot Mulroney, that pocky guy, the bald guy.
Plot: A copycat serial killer is um, copycatting all the ifamous serial killers from the past, so there's like, a lot of dead bodies.
Best Bit: William McNamara. Her apartment. Harry's funny.
Worst Bit: I think the dog died!
Verdict: I love movies like this. I have heaps of books on serial killers and true crime etc. I really enjoyed it. It's classy. I also love her apartment! Harry was a crack up! Even now when I go to the toilet I look up to see if there's a bar or something! I also do the toilet paper thing sometimes. Who was that old woman with the dog? I originally thought it was the mother but when I read the book, I think it said she was his wife?! What the?!
The Count of Monte Cristo (8/10)
Starring: Gerard ‘big nose’ Depardieu, lots of French people.
Plot: Wrongly accused man escapes from jail and plots an elaborate revenge on those that wronged him as well as the ones he loved.
Best Bit: The bits where he disguises himself-he looks the same!!! Crack up. How could you hide that nose?! His loyal pal Bertucio.
Worst Bit: It’s long and you get tired of reading the subtitles. There’s actually not much revenge going on.
Verdict: It’s pretty cool. Elaborate scenery, sets and costumes. Get to see a bit of Europe and all.
The Craft (7/10)
Starring: Neve 'squinty' Campbell, Fairuza 'scary but she used to be Dorothy!' Balk, the black girl, the other girl. A guy-who was that? I think it's someone I know at least.
Plot: A bunch of outcasts form their own group and dabble in witchcraft until they meet a real witch and then they just go crazy.
Best Bit: None. Actually, maybe the bit where that girl's hair starts falling out.
Worst Bit: Can't remember.
Verdict: Not bad, but not great. A nice revenge thing happening. The ending gets a bit much. 'Charmed' is pretty much a blatant copy of this.
Crash Tide (5/10)
Plot: I don't even remember watching this! Probably about a submarine thing.
Verdict: I have no idea but it's a safe bet that you'll enjoy Crimson Tide a lot more.
Crimson Tide (7.5/10)
Starring: Gene Hackman, Denzel Washington, Ryan Phillippe!
Plot: To launch a nuclear missile or not to launch a nuclear missile? Gene and Denzel lock heads.
Best Bit: That I actually spotted Ryan! Funny. I don't think he gets any lines.
Worst Bit: A bit claustrophobic and the ending gets a bit much.
Verdict: Pretty good. Tension and suspense.
(7/10)
Starring: Brandon Lee and I dunno any of the others!
Plot: Guy and girl get murdered but guy comes back to seek revenge and all.
Best Bit: The makeup. I guess the special effects-"you can't see the join!" (bad joke, sorry)
Worst Bit: Apart from Lee dying?
Verdict: It was ok. Dark and brooding, atmospheric. Lots of black-clad lads.
The Crush (7.510)
Starring: Alicia ‘curly mouth’ Silverstone, Cary Elwes.
Plot: Girl develops crush on older man but he don’t want none of that so she goes all psycho. A younger, watered down version of that movie with Glenn Close and Micheal Douglas-what’s it called again? Y’know, I haven’t even seen that!
Best Bit: Cary Elwes. The bit with the bees(wasps?) and the dark room. Reminds me of the English mini-series about a wacko mother who killed someone in an underground dark room by closing the air vents. It was wicked!
Worst Bit: Alicia is all chubby and I can’t really see why she was as popular as she was.
Verdict: Not bad. I don’t think she was as wicked as she could have been!
Warning: Spoiler!
Cube (8.5/10)
Starring: No one I know, but the girl looked like Naomi Watt! I know she's supposed to be from 'Space Above & Beyond' but it got axed!
Plot: Six strangers wake up in a weird Rubic's cube-like nightmare not knowing how they got there or how to get out.
Best Bit: The guy at the start that gets 'sliced and diced'. Gross but fascinating! The whole damn concept of the plot is just so bizarre!
Worst Bit: I forgot what a prime number was! Haha. The cop was a real bastard! Kazan didn't get his gum drops! Damn.
Verdict: Bizarre, surreal, unreal, clever, different. The plot seems limited but it manages to keep you absorbed. The other two should have gotten out when they had a bloody chance! When the guy goes 'There's nothing for me out there' I thought she was going to say something corny like 'I'll be out there'!! But she didn't. What if the cop had let go of the opening and just gone back inside and waited for the guy to die. Would he have made it until the next 'bridge'? What if there were other poeple in there too? How do 'they' get rid of the bodies? Maybe there's a switch that deactivates the traps. Cos wouldn't they have run into other bodies? I wonder if Kazan actually makes it back to wherever ok? How could the cop drop the doc? Bastard! I'd hate to see what kind of a cop he's have become if he had escaped!
Curdled (9/10)
Starring: Billy Baldwin, the girl, and all the other girls
Plot: Woman who's obsessed with death and particularly the 'Bluebeard(?) serial killer' gets a job as a cleaner of aftermaths of messy deaths (is there such a thing?!) and finds herself cleaning up after a Bluebeard murder-woohoo!
Best Bit: When she's dancing around trying to re-enact the murder.
Worst Bit: None really.
Verdict: A weird and different black comedy. Produced by Quentin-but what does that really mean? I'm sure he didn't contribute to the story or directing in any way. Whatever, his name is prominent on the cover anyhow.
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