Movie Reviews (I-N)

I Know What You Did Last Summer (9/10)
Starring: Jennifer 'used to go out with Joey Lawrence but then I saw her with Jon Livingstone' Love Hewitt, Sarah 'Buffy' Michelle Gellar, Ryan Phillippe, Freddie Prinze Jnr, Anne 'I used to call her Heshey' Heche, Bridgett Wilson, Scuzzlebutt(only kidding).
Plot: Four friends accidentally do a hit and run-until-next-summer deal and then it's payback time.
Best Bit: Freddie Prinze Jnr(except for his name!), Ryan Phillippe, there's actually some scary bits!
Worst Bit: None really.
Verdict: Scarier than Scream. A better looking cast too.

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (7/10)
Starring: JLH, Brandy, that guy who was on the bloody Brandy video clip! Freddie.
Plot: He's baaack!
Best Bit: None really!
Worst Bit: The title. Doesn't make sense cos it would've been two summers ago that it happened! They should have just called it I Still Know or better yet...I Sill Know, Y'knooow?!. I'm pissing myself right now(not literally you fools!).
Verdict: It's unscary and the son thing is just too predictable. The ending was like, as if! And Freddie wasn't in it enough. Funny how it's so competitng with Scream that her best friend is black too! Why do black people always seem to be with other black people? In a BF/GF way I mean.

In & Out (7/10)
Starring: Kevin ‘looks like someone else on the cover’ Kline, Joan Cusack, guy from The Faculty, Matt Dillon, the guy from Newhart! Tom ‘he’s bloated’ Selleck.
Plot: Former student and now Academy Award winner announces his former teacher is gay-during his acceptance speech…and the teacher’s about to get married. Oh dear.
Best Bit: When he’s following the self help tape.
Worst Bit: When we find out he’s actually gay. Somehow, it just makes it all boring. Why can’t he be straight and like to dance? Why can’t he be straight and like Barbara Streisand? Y’know what I’m trying to get at?
Verdict: It was ok.

Interview with the Vampire (10/10)
Starring: Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Kirten Dunst, Antonio Banderas, Stephen Rea, Christian Slater
Plot: It's about an interview with a vampire!
Best Bit: Brad Pitt and Kirsten Dunst. Also Antonio was pretty hot.
Worst Bit: Their nails and the veins on their face! Yuk. Why are their nails long anyway? If everything stays the same as when they 'died' then does that mean they all had disgustingly gross long nails all the time? Grossoroonie. I don't even like long nails on women! And I hate it when they cut it like a triangle or a square-dyaknowwhatImean? I like rounded nails.
Changes: Antonio was too old to play Armand! He had the right accent tho'! Sexy! (haha) Why didn't the 'mother' put her huge skirt over her and Claudia when they were in the well thing? Wouldn't that have saved them getting 'ashed'(my word)?
Verdict: Rich and sumptuous! Gorgeous sets and costumes. Gothic, atmospheric music. Great acting! Tom was good! Th' he looked awful-blonde is not his colour! Kirsten was amazing. But she was supposed to be younger, donchaknow. I loved it.

The Invaders (6/10)
Starring: Scott ‘oh boy’ Bakula.
Plot: Guy thinks he’s onto some alien conspiracy-who isn’t?!
Best Bit: Scott’s in a movie!
Worst Bit: Thin story.
Verdict: Not very exciting stuff. All I can remember are the phone booth like things and the truck driving around some warehouse. I can’t even remember how it ended! Plus Scott is kinda cross-eyed!

Invasion of the Body Snatchers
Starring: Jeff Gold'bum', Donald 'bug eyes' Sutherland
Plot: what it says!
Best Bit: The bit at the end where he's pointing and 'shrieking' at her. How they all go one by one.
Worst Bit: None really.
Verdict: Pretty good; chilling. I'd like to see the original, cos that's set in a small town so it would be evn more scary. The setting of New York(?) makes it impersonal, cos everybody's like that anyway! Haha, dig that!

The Island of Dr. Moreau (8.5/10)
Starring: Val ‘reminds me of my yukky art teacher’ Kilmer, Marlon ‘white blubber’ Brando, Fairuza ‘creepy’ Balk, the English dude.
Plot: Based on the H.G.Wells novel (of the same name?). Wacko scientist fools around with DNA upsetting the balance of nature.
Best Bit: The creepy atmosphere, aided by the tropical surroundings.
Worst Bit: How Hyena goes totally ballistic. I mean, he used to be a good ‘guy’! Poor Cheetah!
Verdict: I thought it was pretty good. Ending gets a bit corny. Marlon was actually quite good! Bloated and pasty, but good.
Jack (7/10)
Starring: Robin ‘hairy’ Williams, Diane Lane, that kid, Fran Drescher.
Plot: Big guy is really a little guy inside-it’s like that vampire movie with Catherine Deneuve and David Bowie!
Best Bit: The fart bits.
Worst Bit: It’d be pretty sad to have this symptom.
Verdict: Some funny bits, some sad bits, it’s ok.

Jackie Brown (8/10)

Jane Austen’s Mafia! (6/10)

Starring: that guy again! I don’t know cos I didn’t even watch the whole thing!
Plot: It looks like a spoof of Casino
Best Bit: The start was pretty ok…
Worst Bit: …but then it went on and on about his childhood and crap.
Verdict: Well, I tuned out…

The Jerky Boys (8/10)
Starring: The Kerky Boys, Alan ‘Lonely Hunter’ Arkin.
Plot: Two jerky guys get caught up in a mob thing.
Best Bit: Their weird sense of humour. Alan Arkin’s looking good! He looks better in his mature years for sure.
Worst Bit: Can’t remember.
Verdict: Weird experience. Who are these guys? I had 2 cds of their prank phone calls and some of them are painful to listen to cos the people they call up believe it all. But there’s definitely some hilarious stuff! I wonder how they came up with the whole thing?

Jerry Maguire (9/10)
Starring: Tom Cruise, that woman who's name I can never remember but she's got squinty eyes and a pouty mouth, the cool kid, Cuba Gooding Jr, Jerry O'Connell, the girl from Phenom, the brother from Phenom! John Travolta's wife, I think.
Plot: Agent guy gets screwed by his company and his clients but hangs onto one faithful client who hehelps catapult to new heights, and he finds true love blah blah blah.
Best Bit: The little kid. He did some great acting!
Worst Bit: Jerru O Connell's character was a back stabber! If he wasn't he could have had a larger role.
Verdict: I liked it tho' it got too much hype.

Just Cause (8/10)
Starring: Sean ‘never changes his accent’ Connery, Blair Underwood, who played the wife? She was far too young at any rate.
Plot: Lawyer defends black guy for murder of a girl he didn’t commit-or did he?
Best Bit: The first part of this is pretty intense, clever and absorbing.
Worst Bit: The latter part of the film falls into predictable territory and becomes pretty ridiculous.
Verdict: Worth a look but don’t say I didn’t warn you about the ending.

Kalifornia (8/10)
Starring: Brad Pitt, David Duchovny, Michelle Forbes, Juliette Lewis.
Plot: A photographer and her boyfriend writer set out to do a book on serial killers or something and advertise for a couple to tag along to help pay for the ride-bad idea!
Best Bit: Brad Pitt's funny accent/way of speaking/facial expressions. Juliette's weird way of laughing, "huuh!" The multi-chinned "I wasn't even supposed to be drinking in the first place!" and "diiipshiiit!"
Worst Bit: The sex scene with David Duchovny-crack up! I don't wanna see that!
Verdict: Pretty funny. I remember seeing it advertised in the cinema. I think I saw this two times in one night and then a third time just to watch the funny bits.

Kicking & Screaming (7.5/10)
Starring: Not sure who most of them are, Eric Stoltz, Olivia d’Abo!
Plot: College kids graduating and speculating about the ‘after life’ – life after college, that is.
Best Bit: Oliver and his inability to leave.
Worst Bit: A few depressing moments-cos it reminded me of me and my life!
Verdict: Probably best for those going through the same situation. I thought it was ok. Eric Stoltz’s character was weird-the one that never leaves college(or university, as we call it in Australia-why is it called college in America? Eg. NYU is New York University etc?!

Warning: Spoiler!
Kiss the Girls" (8/10)
Starring: Ashley Judd, 'Somerset' Morgan Freeman(haha. Then he played Somerset in Seven!), Cary Elwes.
Plot: Pretty & talented girls are disappearing, some are found dead, others are not found at all. One girl manages to escape...
Best Bit: Cary Elwes. When she's practising kickboxing in her 'room'. The milk is so funny! Crack up!!!!
Worst Bit: Cary doesn't get any character development and suddenly 'boom' it's like 'what?!'. So he ends up playing another 'schmuck'. But at least he gets some juicy roles I suppose. At least he's more adventurous than Harrison Ford who's never played a bad guy in his life!!! And he doesn't want to play Indiana Jones cos he'll get typecast. 'hello?!' have a good long hard look at yourself Harr.(ok I guess that's kinda harsh, but funny!)
Verdict: Pretty good. Creepy. Good acting. Of course, Cary gets all corny and hysterical near the end. Serial killers have never looked so good!

The Last of the Mohicans (9/10)
Starring: Daniel Day-Lewis, Madeleine Stowe, Eric Schweig, the pocky guy who always plays meanies.
Plot: The war between the British and the native Americans of South America(if I remember correctly, actually, I could have it completely wrong!) and a couple of love stories thrown in.
Best Bit: Eric Schweig, well, I thought so at the time! The music. It's graaand(say it in a posh Brit accent).
Worst Bit: When Eric's character dies and then the girl kills herself. Also, sad when the English guy is 'sacrificed' and the woman doesn't really seem to give a shit! That's not on!
Verdict: I loved this movie. I think I saw it about 4 times after I taped it. I thought it was really romantic. But, you know I hate romances!
Last Man Standing (6/10)
Starring: Bruce Willis, was the guy from X-Files in this? The blood phobic guy.
Plot: Something about a Western town with all the dust and horses and swinging doors in bars and gun fights and shit.
Best Bits: None, if I can remember correctly. Or maybe there were some strange narrowly-escaping-death scenes that might have been interesting.
Worst Bits: Well...
Verdict: I don't understand why Bruce even went for this piece of crap. I can't remember the storyline at all! Oh, well. Free rental!

Leaving Las Vegas (6.5/10)
Starring: Nicholas 'balding but he's still considered a bit of a sex symbol' Cage, Elizabeth Shue.
Plot: Suicidal drunk and optimistic hooker find love in, where else? Vegas, baby, Vegas!
Best Bit: Getting to see a bit of Vegas. The little silver flask was pretty cute.
Worst Bit: The rape scene! Horrifying!
Changes: She should have gotten a revenge scene where she cuts off their balls or something and she could say "You won't be able to rape any other women now!"
Verdict: Disturbing to say the least. Nicholas Cage looked awful, which is a good thing cos the role required it. I never knew Elizabeth Shue had such fat legs! Tho' she's probably skinny in real life. I HATED the rape scene. That was really horrible. Scary.

Leon/The Professional (6/10)
Starring: That French guy, Natalie 'too mature' Portman, Gary 'scary' Oldman, that fat guy who was in Two Days in the Valley, Danny Aiello(?)
Plot: A girl befriends a hitman who helps her to get the bastards who killed her whole family!
Best Bit: Near the end.
Worst Bit: They killed the baby! Leon dies.
Verdict: Not as good as I'd been led to believe. Natalie Portman's maturity is disturbing! It could have been a Lolita! Gary Oldman was a bit over the top but at least he's versatile!

Liar, Liar (9.5/10)
Starring: Jim 'rubber man' Carrey, Jennifer 'busty' Tilly, that other woman, the kid.
Plot: Son of liar (who's a lawyer haha) wishes his dad couldn't lie for one whole day and it actually comes true so that's bad news for dad.
Best Bit: The bloopers at the end are cool!
"What's it going to be?"
(Jim) "A pock mark eventually!"
The bit in court where he's making all the faces.
Worst Bit: None.
Verdict: Funny! Probably one of Carrey's 'easier' roles but I like this movie best.

The List of Adrian Messenger (9/10)
Starring: I have no idea!
Plot: I think this was about a spy who was a master of disguise. It was a Brit film.
Best Bit: I guess it would have to be the disguises.
Worst Bit: I guess it would have to be the fact tha I hardly remember anything about it!
Verdict: Well, I've given it a 9 so it must've been good. I think I saw this when I was about 15? I think it had comic elements in it.

Little Women (9/10)
Starring: Winona Ryder, Claire 'round nose' Danes, Kirsten Dunst, Christian 'Rising Sun and he looks like a fox or a cat or something' Bale, Susan 'goggle eyes' Sarandon, that girl who looks like Andie MacDowell but with funny teeth, Gabriel 'that's a girl's name' Byrne, Samantha Mathis.
Plot: A family with too many women and their struggles blah blah blah.
Best Bit: The stretchy spag from Claire Danes mouth when she was crying and about to die. I was impressed!
Worst Bit: She likes Gabriel Byrne instead of foxy Christian! Kirsten gets the boot and Samantha steps in. I think it would've been a crack-up to see Christian marry Kirsten! Ha ha dig that!
Verdict: It was pretty good. I liked the costumes. Claire Danes was really good! Then she got all famous and crap after R&J. Boring! Winona Ryder has like, disappeared! Where is she?

Living in Oblivion (9/10)
Starring: Steve Buscemi! That woman who I think is the same one from The Real Blonde, which Steve was also in! Tito, some other people. I think the girl from Just the Ten of Us was a crew member!
Plot: Struggling director struggles to film his movie but everything gets in the way.
Best Bit: Steve!
"My name is Tito, not Toto!!"
(extremely paraphrased!)"Why is there a dwarf in the dream? Why does every dream sequence have to have a dwarf in it? Does anyone evr dream about dwarfs? I don't dream about dwarfs! Do you think poeple are going to see this and say 'Oh, it must be a dream, there's a fucking dwarf in it!' "
Worst Bit: None really. Kind of takes a while to get into it.
Verdict: Funny. Steve is funny. I only rented it cos Steve was in it but it's a good film. Gives you some insight into how frustrating it is to make a film.

(10/10)
Starring: Nick Moran, and some other unknown people plus a surprise guest!
Plot:A bunch of guys try their hand at gambling but end up not only losing all their money but also create a huge debt which they know will be impossible to pay back but they try, and then a lot of cool stuff happens.
Best Bit: The music. The characters. The accents. The dialogue. The drinking scene. And the one where Ed looks like he's napping but he's actually madly shuffling a deck of cards with one hand! The scene where Tom's talking about that "Arse ticklers" scheme. A pretty good idea, that!
Worst Bit: Those two dumb idiots die. A bit sad cos they had no idea what was going on!
Verdict: What can I say? This film is cool, very cool. Cool characters, dialogue, camera work, music, actors, accents, humour yadda yadda yadda. I read that some American critics couldn't understand it because of the acents-well, they're just stupid aren't they? I also read that Tom Cruise wanted to do a U.S. version of it. What the?! Who the hell does he think he is? It'd be like doing the American version of AbFab(which will never work). It's like doing an American version of The Committments! The charm of Smoking Barrels lies in it's colourful accents and interplay of words which are uniquely Cockney, or something. So hands off, Tom!

The Long Kiss Goodnight (8/10)
Starring: Geena ‘big mouth’ Davis, Samuel L. Jackson, that guy who’s kinda cute, and the old guy with the gun down the pants.
Plot: Woman with amnesia is confronted with her past-just who the heck was she and what did she used to do?!
Best Bit: I liked Mitch’s little ditty he sings to himself esp. “…da da ne ne ne anybody tries to fuck with Mitch, he knows just what to do…” and then he finds a gun at the back of his head and the guy pushes him to the wall and Mitch does this funny paralysed kind of waddle.
Also the bit where she’s putting the gun together. And the bits where she’s kicking butt!
Worst Bit: A bit of a dud plot. Geena in Charlie make up-yuk!
Verdict: Pretty cool, if only to see a woman doing stuff you usually see a guy do (no not pee standing up!) Plenty of action and bursts of humour.

Lord of the Flies (9/10)
Starring: Balthazar Getty, don't know any of the other youngun's.
Plot: A group of civilized young'uns get stranded on a deserted island and slowly turn into not so civilized young'uns.
Best Bit: How lack of authority and stability can turn anyone into a bastard. A kiddies version of The Treasure of the Siera Madre.
Worst Bit: They killed Piggy!!!! Complete and utter bastards.
Changes: Some more hot dudes!
Verdict: Pretty frightening thought. Balthazar was kind of cute.

Mighty Aphrodite (8.5/10)
Starring: Woody ‘neurotic’ Allen, Mira Sorvino, Helena ‘too British’ Bonham Carter.
Plot: Husband develops an unusual relationship with a prostitute.
Best Bit: Seeing Helena in a non-period film! Wow! She can do it and she does it well!
Worst Bit: ?
Verdict: Despite the plot outline, it’s a really sweet and funny film. The Shakespearean-like asides were interesting but he pretty much always has some sort of all-seeing body in his films whether it be via voice over or fictitious characters etc.
Mimic (7/10)
Starring: Mira Sorvino, the old guy, the kid and the bf.
Plot: Scientists rid the city of one kind of pest only to develop another more deadly pest.
Best Bit: The almost human form they take on.
Worst Bit: Boring!
Verdict: Had possibility but doesn’t really work for me.

Mississippi Burning (10/10)
Starring: Gene 'big nose' Hackman, Willem 'looks like he's been in a concentration camp' Dafoe, Frances 'Marge' McDormand, that googly guy from X-Files and One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
Plot: The KKK and the whole racial thing.
Best Bit: How that black cop gets the confession out of the white guy by asking him "do you know how much you bleed when you cut off a man's scrotum?"
Worst Bit: It's the same thing. There are no bad bits, just bad things happening. Also you'll tend to get a bit agro cos you feel the frustration and you just feel like punching someone.
Changes: None, well, harsher punishments and more liberal too! Let all the black people vent their anger at the whitey's. A very engrossing film. Don't miss it! Amazingly, this was up for an Oscar (what's the diff. b/w an Oscar and an Academy Award?), which I thought was pretty damn cool!

Money Train (9/10)
Starring: Woody 'he hardly ever plays Woody ala Cheers-esque' Harrelson, Wesley Snipes, Jennifer 'was she still 'plump' in this film?' Lopez, the mean balding guy.
Plot: Two offbeat cops end up trying to steal money from the money train which is actually a pretty good idea!
Best Bit: He gets some money! How much do you think it was?
Worst Bit: Jenny falls for Wesley and breaks Woody's heart.
Verdict: A bit of action, a bit of profanity, a bi of dancing, a bit of comedy. Not a bad cocktail. This reminded me that we should've spent New Years in New York instead of in bloody London! Then we could have "hugged total strangers" (Chilli Peppers sendup by The Late Show)
Mortal Kombat 6/10)
Starring: huh? Some guy that looks like Julian Sands. That evil guy who was in ‘X-Files’ the one with green blood.
Plot: It’s the end of the world and all. Good warriors must fight bad warriors yadda yadda yadda.
Best Bit: Mmmm. Energetic music.
Worst Bit: It seems to start in the middle of the story or is it just me?
Verdict: Not too sure about this one. It was kinda scary how all those evil warriors were falling from the sky. I can see that happening in one of my nightmares.

The Murder's Secret (5/10)
Starring: ???
Plot: Family goes for a holiday in the country and most of them end up dead.
Best Bit: ???
Worst Bit: A fly flies across the screen, very close up, twice!
Verdict: I think this was in Italian or Spanish, it was dubbed and subbed and it was sad.

Mute Witness (10/10)
Starring: A whole bunch of people I've never seen before!
Plot: A mute woman witnesses a murder but has a hard time convincing anyone that it actually happened, and of course the killer(s) are trying to kill her and all.
Best Bit: The twists and turns. The extreme close ups!
Worst Bit: None.
Changes: None.
Verdict: An amazing movie. Probably a very small budget but it'd be one of my Top 10 for this decade! It's clever and funny, scary in parts, and keeps you on your toes. By the way, this is directed by the same guy who did An American Werewolf in Paris.

Needful Things (6/10)
Starring: Alec ‘genuine class’ Guinnes.
Plot: New antique shop and it’s owner bring something sinister to town.
Best Bit: None.
Worst Bit: His nails-yuck!
Verdict: I thought this was crap. Not scary or creepy. Just sad. Am I being too harsh? Probably. I’m tired.

The Negotiator (7/10)
Starring: Samuel L.Jackson, Kevin ‘he’s cool but pocky’ Spacey, the guy from ‘Dark Skies’ and two spisodes of ‘X-Files’ who else?
Plot: Cop is framed for murder and he takes hostages in order to clear his name.
Best Bit: The bald guy. Kev.
Worst Bit: When the wife of his now dead friend just automatically thinks he’s guilty. Bitch!
Verdict: I missed the very beginning-twice (on cable) so maybe that’s why, but I didn’t get how all the cops knew the truth at the very end-like what was that recording they were listening to?

Nick of Time (7.5/10)
Starring: Johnny Depp, Chistopher Walken.
Plot: An ordinary has his daughter ‘kidnapped’ and in order to get her back he has to kill a senator.
Best Bit: It’s in real time, which is pretty cool. Don’t you hate it when there’s a bomb and it’s gonna go off in 10 seconds but somehow it actually takes 10 minutes?!
Worst Bit: It’s a little frustrating-I’m sure there were moments when he could have done something differently.
Verdict: Good idea, and the trailer made it look really cool - a bit of a let down for me.

A Night at the Roxbury (6.5/10)

Nine Months (7/10)
Starring: Hugh ‘delightful butterdish’ Grant (a Martin Molloy joke), Julianne Moore, Robin Williams, Tom Arnold, Joan Cusac, Jeff ‘Goldbum‘.
Plot: Woman falls pregnant, man doesn’t want to get married let alone have the baby-what to do?
Best Bit: Julianne Moore and Tom Arnold-although he pretty much always plays the same fun lovin’ guy.
Worst Bit: Hugh Grant is his usual boyish charming and very English self. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Verdict: Pleasant enough comedy with funny performance from Robin Williams.
The Nutty Professor (6/10)
Starring: Jerry ‘the original Erkel’ Lewis.
Plot: High school professor develops a radical drug that changes your personality.
Best Bit: Jery’s in it!
Worst Bit: How a real bastard he becomes with the drug!
Verdict: I don’t know if this supposed to be a comedy but it didn’t really make me laugh. I was disappointed with it.

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