L.A. Confidential (1997)

Sid: Off the record, on the QT, and very hush-hush.

Bud: Merry Christmas.
Lynn: Merry Christmas to you, officer.
Bud: That obvious, huh?
Lynn: It's practically stamped on your forehead.

[Stensland arrives with liquor for a party.]
Officer: What took you, Stensland?
Stensland: My partner stopped to help a damsel in distress. He's got his priorities all screwed up.

Jack: Oh, lookee here, the great jerk off case of 1953.

Stensland: We'll do the town one night on me.
Bud: I'll bring my wallet just in case.

Stensland: I got a hot date.
Bud: Yeah? Who is she and what did you arrest her for?

Chase: Excuse me, ma'am. Just the facts.

Capt. Smith: Go back to Jersey, Sonny. This is the City of the Angels and you haven't got any wings.

Capt. Smith: You'll do as I say, and ask no questions. Do you follow my drift?
Bud: In technicolor, sir.

Exley: I'm talking about the gas chamber, and you haven't even asked me what this is about. You've got a big "Guilty" sign around your neck.

Vincennes: Oh, great. You get the girl, I get the coroner.

Vincennes: Why don't you and I go someplace quiet cause I'd love to give you the low-down on Mitchum.

Vincennes: Why in the world do you wanna go digging any deeper into the Nite Owl killings, Lieutenant?
Exley: Rollo Tomasi.
Vincennes: Is there more to that or am I supposed to guess?

Vincennes: I'm the technical advisor. I teach Brett Chase how to walk and talk like a cop.
Dancing Partner: Brett Chase doesn't walk and talk like you.
Vincennes: Well, that's 'cause he's the television version. America isn't ready for the real me.

Patchett: I use girls that look like movie stars. Sometimes I employ a plastic surgeon. When the work had been done, that's when you saw us.
Bud: That's why her mother couldn't I.D. her. Jesus f***ing Christ.
Patchett: No, Mr. White. Pierce Morehouse Patchett.

Johnny Stompanato: You want an autograph? Write to MGM.
Exley: Since when do two-bit hoods and hookers give out autographs?
Johnny Stompanato: What'd you say to me?
Exley: LAPD. Sit down.
Lana Turner: Who in the hell do you think you are?
Vincennes: Ed...
Exley: Take a walk, honey, before I haul your a** downtown.
Johnny Stompanato: You are making a large mistake.
Lana Turner: Get away from our table.
Exley: Shut up! A hooker cut to look like Lana Turner is still a hooker.
Johnny Stompanato: Hey!
Exley: She just looks like Lana Turner.
Vincennes: She is Lana Turner.
Exley: What?
Vincennes: She is Lana Turner.

Exley: Why did you become a cop?
Vincennes: I don't remember.

Exley: I heard you like to shoot dogs.
Collins: Dogs got no reason to live.

Bud: I'd like to see you again.
Lynn: Are you asking me for a date or an appointment?
Bud White: Forget it. It was a mistake.

Lynn: There's blood on your shirt. Is that an integral part of your job?
Bud: Yeah.
Lynn: Do you enjoy it?
Bud: When they deserve it.
Lynn: Did they deserve it today?
Bud: I'm not sure.
Lynn: But you did it anyway.
Bud: Yeah, just like the half dozen guys you screwed today.
Lynn: Well, actually, it was only two.

Exley: All I ever wanted was to measure up to my father.
Bud: Now's your chance. He died in the line of duty, didn't he?

Lynn: You're the first man in five years who didn't tell me I look like Veronica Lake inside of a minute.
Bud: You look better than Veronica Lake.

Capt. Smith: Don't start tryin' to do the right thing, boy-o. You haven't the practice.

Capt. Smith: I doubt you've ever taken a stupid breath. Don't start now.

Capt. Smith: Our justice must be swift and merciless.

Bud : The Night Owl case made you. Do you want to tear all that down?
Exley: With a wrecking ball. You want to help me swing it?

[Bud dunks the Loew's head in a toilet to make him talk.]
Loew: Pull him off me, Exley!
Exley: I don't know how.

[Bud grabs Johnny Stompanato by the testicles to get him to talk.]
Bud: What do I get if I give you your balls back, you wop cocksucker?

[Exley has to perform the interrogation.]
Vincennes: Are you sure Golden Boy is up to the task, Cap?
Capt. Smith: Oh, I think you'd be surprised what the lad is capable of.

---

L.A. Story (1991)

Sara: What did you have in mind?
Harris: Well, I was thinking of taking you on a cultural tour of L.A.
Sara: That's the first ten minutes, then what?

Roland: Sara just got off a plane from London.
Trudy: Oh, you must be exhausted!
Sara: Yes, I'm shattered, but it's nothing that some sleep and a good f*** wouldn't cure, as my sister used to say. Ha ha ha!
[Everyone stares.]
Roland: You'll have to forgive Sara.
Sara: Oh, it was just... it was just a figure of speech! I've been on a plane for twelve hours next to a crying baby!

Harris: I'm not kissing anyone hello anymore!
Trudy: Well, just shake hands with them.
Harris: Are you kidding? I just wash my hands and I shake hands with some guy that feels like he's been squashing caterpillars!

Harris: Here, let me not drive for a while.

[Harris' girlfriend slept with his agent.]
Harris: And I thought they were only supposed to take 10 percent!

Sara: And if I were to go?
Harris: All I know is, on the day your plane was to leave, if I had the power, I would turn the winds around, I would roll in the fog, I would bring in storms, I would change the polarity of the earth so compasses couldn't work, so your plane couldn't take off.

Trudi: Sheila has been studying the art of conversation.
Harris: Oh, you're taking a course in conversation?
Sheila: Yes.
[Long pause]

Sara: I keep thinking I'm a grown up, but I'm not.

Guy with neck-support: I'll have a decaf coffee.
Trudi: I'll have a decaf espresso.
Movie critic: I'll have a double decaf cappuccino.
Policeman: Give me decaffeinated coffee ice cream.
Harris: I'll have a half double decaffeinated half-caf, with a twist of lemon.
Trudi: I'll have a twist of lemon.
Guy with neck-support: I'll have a twist of lemon.
Movie critic: I'll have a twist of lemon.
Cynthia: I'll have a twist of lemon.

Harris: So, I'll see you Sunday?
Trudi: I got a shower Sunday.
Harris: Oh yeah, and I really should take a bath... Monday?

Harris: Hello, this is Harris. I'm in right now, so you can talk to me personally. Please start talking at the sound of the beep. [BEEP]
Sara: Hello?
Harris: Hello.
Sara: Hello?
Harris: Hello.
Sara: Is this a person?
Harris: Yes, it is a person.

[Repeated line]
Sara: Let your mind go and your body will follow.

Harris: Why is it that we don't always recognize the moment when love begins but we always know when it ends?

Harris: Ordinarily, I don't like to be around interesting people because it means I have to be interesting, too.
Sara: Are you saying I'm interesting?
Harris: All I'm saying is that, when I'm around you, I find myself showing off, which is the idiot's version of being interesting.

Bob: Hi, my name is Bob. I'll be your robber.
Harris (handing him the money): Hi, how are you?
Bob: Thank you very much.

Harris: There's someone out there for everyone - even if you need a pickaxe, a compass, and night goggles to find them.

Harris: Forget for this moment the smog and the cars and the restaurant and the skating and remember only this. A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.

Harris: Well, maybe you think it's intellectual because you were raised with a banana and an inner tube... This is an intellectual-free zone.

---

Labyrinth (1986)

Sarah: Ow! It bit me!
Hoggle: What'd you *expect* fairies to do?
Sarah: I thought they did nice things, like granting wishes!
Hoggle: Shows what *you* know, don't it?

Sarah: What exactly have you sworn to?
Sir Didymus: That I am to guard this bridge with my life, and that no one may cross without my permission.
Sarah: Well... May we have your permission to cross?
Sir Didymus: Well I, uh... I... that is, uh... hm... Yes?

Didymus: Sir Ludo, canst thou summon the very rocks?
Ludo: Sure. Rocks friends.

Jareth: You remind me of the babe.
Goblin: What babe?
Jareth: The babe with the power.
Different Goblin: What power?
Jareth: The power of voodoo.
Goblin: Who do?
Jareth: You do.
Goblin: Do what?
Jareth: Remind me of the babe.

The Worm: 'Ello.
Sarah: Did you say...hello?
The Worm: No, I said "'ello," but that's close enough.
Sarah: Oh... you're a worm, aren't you?
The Worm: Yeah, that's right.
Sarah: You don't by any chance know the way through this labyrinth, do you?
The Worm: Who, me? No, I'm just a worm. Say, come inside, and meet the Missus.

Worm: If she'd 'ave kept on goin' down that way she'd 'ave gone straight to their castle.

Jareth: Everything I've done, I've done for you. I move the stars for no one.

Jareth: I ask for so little. Just love me, fear me, do as I say, and I will be your slave.

Jareth: Your eyes can be so cruel, just as I can be so cruel.

Jareth: Sarah, go back to your room. Play with your toys and your costumes. Forget about the baby.

Hoggle: This is an oubliette, labyrinth's full of 'em.
Sarah: Oh, I didn't know that.
Hoggle: Oh, don't act so smart. You don't even know what an oubliette is.
Sarah: Do you?
Hoggle: Yes. It's a place you put people... to forget about 'em!Sarah: That's not fair!
Jareth: You keep saying that. I wonder what your basis for comparison is?

Top Red Guard: But I must warn you that one of us always tells the truth and one of us always lies. That's the rules too, he always lies.
Top Blue Guard: I do not! I tell the truth!
Top Red Guard: Oh, what a lie!

Sarah: Give me the child.
Jareth: Sarah, I have been generous till now and I can be cruel.
Sarah: Generous? What have you done that is generous?
Jareth: EVERYTHING! Everything that you wanted I have done. You asked that child be taken. I took him. You cowered before me and I was frightening. I have reordered time. I have turned the world upside down. AND I HAVE DONE IT ALL FOR YOU! I am exhausted from living up to your expectations. Isn't that generous?

Jareth: It's a crystal, nothing more. But if you turn it this way, and look into it, it will show you your dreams. But this is not a gift for an ordinary girl, who takes care of a screaming baby. Do you want it? Then forget the baby!

Sarah: Give me the child. Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the child that you have stolen, for my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great... You have no power over me.

---

Lady and the Tramp (1955)

Lady: What's a baby?
Jock: Well, they... they resemble humans.
Trusty: But I'd say a mite smaller.
Jock: Aye, and they walk on all fours.
Trusty: And if I remember correctly... they beller a lot.
Jock: And they're verrrry expensive. You'll not be permitted to play with it.
Trusty: But they're mighty sweet.
Jock: And very very soft.
Tramp: Just a cute little bundle... of trouble!

[About Tramp.]
Peg: What a dog!

---

Ladyhawke (1985)

[escaping from the dungeon]
Phillipe: This is not unlike escaping my mother's womb. God, what a memory!

Phillipe: Are you flesh, or are you spirit?
Isabeau: I am sorrow.

Soldier #1: Where is Navarre?
Phillipe: Navarre? Navarre? Ah, yes. Big man, black horse. I thought I saw him ride south.
Soldier #2: Ha, then we ride north.
Phillipe: It isn't polite to assume that someone is a liar when you've only just met them.
Soldier #1: And yet you knew we would.
Phillipe (talking to God): I told the truth, Lord. How can I learn any moral lessons when you keep confusing me this way?

[To God.]
Phillipe: It always pays to tell the truth, Lord. Thank you. I see that now.

Phillipe: If you lay one hand on her you will find it on the ground next to your head.

Imperius: What do you want?
Phillipe: I was told to bring you this hawk, father. It's been wounded.
Imperius: Good shot! Bring it in, we'll dine together.
Phillipe: We can't eat this hawk, father!
Imperius: What? Oh, God, is it Lent again already?

[After picking someone's pocket.]
Phillipe: I know I promised, Lord, never again. But I also know that *you* know what a weak-willed person I am.

Lieutenant: Open this door in the name of His Holiness the bishop!
Imperius: Be off with you! This is a house of God, not a brothel!
Lieutenant: I said open this door in the name of His Grace, the Bishop of Aquilla!
Imperius: I've met the bishop, you blasphemous lot! And you look nothing like him!

Imperius: I fully expect to meet you at the pearly gates little thief, and don't you dare disappoint me.
Phillipe: I'll meet you there father, even if I have to pick the lock.

---

The Last Starfighter (1984)

Video Game: Greetings Starfighter. You have been recruited by the Star League to defend the frontier from Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada.

Centauri: I'm not here for cigarettes or bubblegum, my boy.

Kodan Officer: What do we do?
Kril: We die.

Alex: One gunstar? Against the whole armada? It'll be a slaughter!
Grig: That's the spirit!
Alex: No, *my* slaughter!

Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against incredible odds.

Grig: Death is a primitive concept; I prefer to think of them as battling evil - in another dimension!

Alex: Teriffic. I'm about to get killed a million miles from nowhere with a gung-ho iguana who tells me to relax.

---

The Last Unicorn (1982)

Mommy Fortuna: Oh she'll kill me one day or another. But she will remember forever that *I* caught her, and *I* held her prisoner. So there's my immortality, hey?

Schmendrick: Oh, she should never have meddled with a real harpy! Or a real unicorn for that matter. Because the truth melts her magic, always.

Unicorn: I have forgotten that men cannot see Unicorns. If men no longer know what they're looking at, there may be other unicorns in the world yet, unknown. I'm glad of it.

Schmendrick: I know you. If I were blind I'd know what you are.

Molly: Where were you twenty years ago? Ten years ago? Where were you when I was new? When I was one of those innocent young maidens you always come to? How dare you! How dare you come to me now, when I am this!

The Unicorn: Never run from anything immortal; it only attracts their attention.

Schmendrick: The magic chose the shape, not I. I am a bearer, I am a dwelling, I am a messenger...
Molly: You are an idiot!

Haggard: You may come and go as you please. My secrets guard themselves. Will yours do the same?

Schmendrick: I can't do this very much longer. He had me juggling teacups all night long. Teacups! With tea in them!

The Unicorn: Who am I? Why am I here? What is it that I'm searching for in this strange place, day after day?

Almathea: Drown out my dreams! Keep me from remembering whatever wants me to remember it!

Haggard: Love is slowing you down, my lady. I will catch you at last, if you love much more.

The Cat: No cat out of its first fur was ever deceived by appearances, unlike human beings, who seem to enjoy it.

Butterfly: No, no, listen. Don't listen to me, listen.

Schmendrick: Don't cry. If you have become human enough to cry, then all the magic in the world cannot change you back.

Butterfly: Your name is a golden bell hung in my heart. I would break my body to pieces to call you once by your name.

The Tree: There is no immortality but a tree's love.

Schmendrick: There are no happy endings because nothing ends.

Schmendrick: Oh, God, I'm engaged to a douglas fir!

Schmendrick: Be rary of wousing a rizard's wrath - rousing a rizard's - Be wary of making a magician angry!

The Cat: No cat anywhere ever gave anyone a straight answer.

Prince Lir: Heroes know that things must happen when it is time for them to happen. A quest may not simply be abandoned; unicorns may go unrescued for a long time, but not forever; a happy ending cannot come in the middle of the story.

Molly: What is the use of wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?
Schmendrick: That is what heroes are for.

Schmendrick: She will remember your heart when men are fairy tales in books written by rabbits. Of all unicorns, she is the only one who knows what regret is - and love.

---

Laura (1944)

Lydecker: How singularly innocent I look this morning.

Clary: I ain't afraid of cops. I was brought up to spit whenever I saw one.
McPherson: OK, go ahead and spit if that'll make you feel better.

Lydecker: Love is eternal. It has been the strongest motivation for human actions throughout history. Love is stronger than life. It reaches beyond the dark shadow of death.

McPherson: Yeah, dames are always pulling a switch on you.

McPherson: When a dame gets killed, she doesn't worry about how she looks.
Lydecker: Will you stop calling her a dame!

Lydecker: I should be sincerely sorry to see my neighbor's children devoured by wolves.

Lydecker: I don't use a pen. I write with a goose quill dipped in venom.

Lydecker: In my case, self-absorption is completely justified. I have never discovered any other subject quite so worthy of my attention.

Carpenter: I can afford a blemish on my character, but not on my clothes.

McPherson: I must say, for a charming, intelligent girl, you certainly surrounded yourself with a remarkable collection of dopes.

Lydecker: I'm not kind, I'm vicious. It's the secret of my charm.

---

A League of Their Own (1992)

Helen: Has anyone seen my new red hat?
Dottie: Oh, piss on your hat, Helen!
Helen: Well, that was uncalled for!

Capadino: You know, if I had your job, I'd kill myself!

Jimmy: I hurt my knee.
Harvey: You fell out of a hotel. That is how you hurt it.
Jimmy: Well, there was a fire.
Harvey: A fire that you started and that I had to pay for.
Jimmy: Well, I was going to send you a note thanking you for that, Mr. Harvey, but I wasn't allowed anything sharp to write with.

Kit: Have you ever heard Daddy introduce us to people? "This is our daughter Dottie, and this is our other daughter, Dottie's sister!"

Capadino: You see, the way it works is, the train moves, not the station!

Capadino: We will pay you 75 dollars a week.
Kit: We only make 30 at the dairy!
Ernie: Well this would be more then, wouldn't it?

Doris: Mae, your date is here.
Mae: Well, how do I look?
Doris: Where did you get that dress?
Mae: I borrowed it.
Doris: Mae, that dress is too tight.
Mae: I don't plan on wearing it that long.
Doris: I don't know why you get dressed at all.

Jimmy: Okay, be smart, be fast, and use your heads!
Doris: That's that lump three feet above our a**, right Jimmy?
Jimmy: Some more prominent than others, Doris.

Jimmy: It's supposed to be hard! If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great!

Jimmy: Are you crying? There's no crying in baseball.

Capadino: Hey, cowgirls, see the grass? Don't eat it.

Mae: What if at a key moment in the game I go for a ball and, oops!, my bosoms come flying out?
Doris: You think there's a man in this country who hasn't seen your bosoms?

Ira: If we paid you a little more, do you think you could be more disgusting?
Jimmy: I could sure use the money.

---

Lean on Me (1989)

Joe Clark: Discipline is not the enemy of enthusiasm.

Joe Clark: There's only one boss around here, and that's me. The HNIC. [Exits.]
Mr. O'Malley: HNIC?
Ms. Levias: Head nigger in charge.

Dr. Napier: If you're so hot on discipline then, g**d*****, start by accepting mine. Because contrary to popular opinion, I'm the head nigger in charge!

Joe Clark: The Lord said, do whatever you have to do. And he didn't say "Joe, be polite."

[To a crack addict]
Joe Clark: If you want to kill yourself, don't f*** around with it, go on and do it expeditiously.

[With a baseball bat in his hand]
Joe Clark: They used to call me Crazy Joe. Well, now they can call me Batman!

---

Legend (1985)

Darkness: Every wolf suffers fleas. 'Tis easy enough to scratch!

Darkness: Are you so eager to see blood flow?
Lily: As you are to drink it!

Lily: Are you afraid to kiss me, Jack?
Jack: I'm afraid you'll break my heart.
Lily: Then I'll steal your heart instead.

Darkness: The dreams of youth are the regrets of maturity.

---

Lethal Weapon (1987)

Riggs: We both know why I was transferred. Everyone thinks I'm suicidal, in which case, I'm f***ed and nobody wants to work with me; or they think I'm faking to draw a psycho pension, in which case, I'm f***ed and nobody wants to work with me. Basically, I'm f***ed.
Murtaugh: Guess what?
Riggs: What?
Murtaugh: I don't want to work with you!
Riggs: Hey, don't.
Murtaugh: Ain't got no choice! Looks like we both are f***ed!
Riggs: Teriffic.
Murtaugh: God hates me. That's what it is.
Riggs: Hate him back; it works for me.

Riggs: This is a real badge, I'm a real cop, and this is a real f***ing gun!

Riggs: Oh, Roger?
Murtaugh: What?
Riggs: The guy who shot me. The guy who shot me? It's the same albino jackrabbit son of a b**** who did Hunsacker.
Murtaugh: You sure?
Riggs: Yeah, I'm sure man. I never forget an a******.

[Discussing a theory]
Riggs: That's very thin.
Murtaugh: Thin is my middle name.
Riggs: Considering your wife's cooking, I'm not surprised.

Riggs: I don't make things difficult. That's the way they get, all by themselves.

[Riggs is captured by General McAlister]
Riggs: You're General Peter McAlister, Commander of Shadow Company.
McAlister: I see we've heard of each other.
Riggs: Yep. It'll almost be a shame when I nail you.

Man at the office: You know, Roger, you are way behind the times. The guys of the 80s aren't tough. They are sensitive people. Show a little emotion to a woman and s*** like that. I think I'm an 80's-
Murtaugh: -How do you figure? Man at the office: Last night I cried in bed. So how is that?
Murtaugh: Were you with a woman?
Man at the office: I was alone. Why do you think I cried?
Murtaugh: Sounds like an 80's man to me...

Murtaugh: I'm too old for this s***!

Murtaugh: Have you ever met anybody you didn't kill?
Riggs: I haven't killed you, have I?

Riggs: Perhaps there's an opening in the L.A. Fire Department?

Murtaugh: Get that s*** off my lawn!

---

Lethal Weapon 2 (1989)

Riggs: This stinks!
Capt. Murphy: I don't give a f***, Riggs. That's why I don't have an ulcer, because I know when to say "I don't give a f***."

Leo: I'm Leo Getz, and whatever you want, Leo gets.

[After a wild car chase, the car looks like a wreck]
Murtaugh: This was a new car, Riggs...
Riggs: Well, it still is!

---

Lethal Weapon 3 (1992)

Murtaugh: I got 8 days to my retirement, and I will *not* make a stupid mistake!
Riggs: Look, there is no bomb in that building! I will bet vital parts of my anatomy to the fact! Trust me, okay? Trust me!
Murtaugh: That's usually my first mistake!

Riggs: When you retire, you're not just retiring you, man! You're retiring us!

Murtaugh: I'm too old for this s***!

Riggs: We can't shoot a dog. People? Okay, but not dogs.

Murtaugh: I hope that when I do retire your new partner is just like you.
Riggs: That won't happen to me because there are winners and there are losers and God wouldn't do that to me.

[Riggs cuffs a crook who went flying through a windshield]
Riggs: You have the right to remain unconscious. Anything you say ain't gonna be much.

[Travis buries a henchman in cement]
Travis: Now we've got a relationship we can build on.

Riggs: I'm chaos, and he's mayhem. We're a double act.

---

Lethal Weapon 4 (1998)

Butters: It's about time they poured in some new blood. I just don't want it coming out of me!

Lorna: I am getting married or there is no baby!

Leo: Leo Getz, private investigator.
Riggs: Private investigator, huh? I was wondering if you could investigate my privates.

Murtaugh: Leo has a B.S. in B.S.

Riggs: I'm not too old for this s***!

Murtaugh: You okay, Riggs?
Riggs: No, I'm *not* okay! I just has my a** kicked again!

Butters: You have the right to remain silent, so shut the f*** up! You have the right to get an attorney. If you can't afford one, we'll get you the dumbest G**d*** lawyer we've got. If you get Johnnie Cochrane, I'll kill ya!

---

Liar Liar (1997)

Max: Is wrestling real?
Fletcher: In the Olympics, yes. On channel 23, no.

Max: If I keep making this face...will it get stuck like that?
Fletcher: Uh uh. As a matter of fact, some people make a very good living that way.

Secretary: A burglar tried to break into my friend's house, fell through a skylight, and cut his leg on a knife on the kitchen counter. He sued her and won $6,000. Is that justice?
Fletcher: No. I woulda got him ten.

Max: My teacher tells me beauty is on the inside.
Fletcher: That's just something ugly people say.

Fletcher: Why don't you go play in the office a minute. Sue someone for everything they've got.

Max: My dad's a liar. He goes to court and lies.

Max: I wish, for just one day, Dad couldn't tell a lie.

Bum: Sir, can you spare a little change?
Fletcher: Yes, I could.
Bum: Well, will you?
Fletcher: No.
Bum: Why not?
Fletcher: Because I believe you will buy booze with it. I just want to get from the car to my office without being confronted by the decay of western society. Plus I'm cheap.

Secretary: He knocked over another ATM. This time at knife point. He needs your legal advice.
[Picks up phone]
Fletcher (shouting): Stop breaking the law, a******!

Receptionist: Do you like my new dress?
Fletcher: What ever takes the focus off your head!

Office Worker: Hey, Fletcher, how's it hanging?
Fletcher (groans): Short, shriveled, and always to the left.

Fletcher: The pen is blue, the pen is blue, the G**d*** pen is blue!

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Fletcher: Depends on how long you were following me.
Cop: Let's start from the top.
Fletcher: Here it goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at an intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and *speeding*!
Cop: Is that all?
Fletcher: No. ...I have unpaid parking tickets.

Fletcher: You don't believe me, do ya?
Greta: Of course not.
Fletcher: How ironic!

Fletcher: Your honor, I object!
Judge: And why is that, Mr. Reed?
Fletcher: Because it's devastating to my case!

Guy in the Washroom: What're you doing?
Fletcher: I'm kicking my a**! Do you mind?!

Fletcher: You brought your kids to your court hearing?
Samantha: Sympathy.
Fletcher: Well, it's working! I feel sorry for them already!

Fletcher: I'm so glad my gift could bring them closer together. My plan to phase myself out is almost complete!

Fletcher: Mrs. Cole, the only problem here is that after you've provided years of faithful service and loving support raising his children - They are his?
Mrs. Cole: Oh yeah. One for sure.
Fletcher: After all that, your husband wants to deny you a fair and equitable share of the marital assets based on one single act of indiscretion.
Mrs. Cole: Seven.
Fletcher: Hmmm.
Mrs. Cole: Seven single acts of indiscretion.
Fletcher: Whatever.

---

The Lion King (1994)

[Woken by Simba]
Sarabi: Mmm, our son is up early.
Mufasa: Before sunrise he's *your* son.

Scar: Well, forgive me for not leaping for joy. Bad back, you know.

Zazoo: Checking in with the morning report.
Mufasa: Fire away.
Zazoo: Well the buzz from the bees is that the leopards are in a bit of a spot. The baboons are going ape.

Mufasa: Our times as a ruler rises and falls like the sun. The sun will set on my time here and will rise with you as the new king.

Simba: We'll always be together, right?
Mufasa: Simba, let me tell you something my father told me. Look at the stars, the great kings of the past are up there, watching over us.
Simba: Really?
Mufasa: Yes. So whenever you feel alone just remember that those kings will always be there to guide you and so will I.

Simba: You're so weird.
Scar: You have no idea.

[Timon finds a grub in a rotten log and eats it]
Timon: Slimy ... yet satisfying.

Pumbaa: It's our motto.
Simba: What's a motto?
Timon: Nothing. What's a motto with you?

Pumbaa: They call me "Mister Pig"!

Pumbaa: Timon, ever wonder what those sparkly dots are up there?
Timon: Pumbaa, I don't wonder; I know.
Pumbaa: Oh. What are they?
Timon: They're fireflies that got stuck up in that bluish-black thing.
Pumbaa: Oh, gee. I always thought they were balls of gas burning billions of miles away.
Timon: Pumbaa, with you, everything's gas.

Timon: Gee. He looks blue.
Pumbaa: I'd say brownish-gold.
Timon: No, I mean he's depressed.
Pumbaa: Oh.

Timon: Let me get this straight. You know her, and she knows you, but she wants to eat him. And everyone's okay with that? DID I MISS SOMETHING?

Nala: What's happened to you? You're not the Simba I remember.
Simba: You're right, I'm not. Now are you satisfied?
Nala: No, just disappointed.
Simba: You know, you're starting to sound like my father.
Nala: Good! At least one of us does.

Pumbaa: What's eatin' you kid?
Timon: Nothing, he's at the top of the food chain.

[Rafiki hits Simba on the head]
Simba: What was that for?
Rafiki: It doesn't matter, it's in the past.
Simba: Yeah, but it still hurts.
Rafiki: Yes, the past can hurt, but the way I see it, you either run from it, or learn from it.
[swings his stick at Simba again who ducks out of the way]
Ah! You See? So, what are you going to do?

[Simba looks into a pool of water.]
Simba: That's not my father, that's just my reflection
Rafiki: No, look harder.
[Simba's reflection changes to that of his father.]
Rafiki: You see? He lives in you!
Mufasa's ghost: Simba.
Simba: Father?!
Mufasa's ghost: Simba, you have forgotten me.
Simba: No! How could I?
Mufasa's ghost: You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself Simba. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the circle of life.
Simba: How can I go back!? I'm not who I used be!
Mufasa's ghost: Remember who you are. You are my son and the one true king. Remember...

Timon: Hey, what's going on here? Who's the monkey!?
Nala: Simba's gone back to challenge Scar.
Timon: Who?
Nala: Scar.
Pumbaa: Who's got a scar?
Nala: No, no, no, no, it's his uncle.
Timon: The monkey's his uncle?
Nala: NO! Simba's gone back to challenge his uncle to take his place as King.
Timon and Pumbaa: Ohhh.

Timon: We're gonna fight your uncle... for this?
Simba: Yes, Timon. This is my home.
Timon: Whoa. Talk about your fixer-upper.

Zazu: Lemme out! Lemme out!
Timon: Lemme in! Lemme in!

---

The Lion, the Witch, & the Wardrobe (1988)

Mr. Beaver: Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,
At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more,
When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death,
And when he shakes his mane, it will be spring again.

---

The Little Mermaid (1989)

Sebastian: You know what her father'll say? I'll tell you what her father'll say. He's gonna kill himself a crab, that's what her father'll say.

Sebastian: Will you get your head out of the clouds and in the water where it belongs.

Ariel: You're not getting cold fins now, are you?

Ariel: I've never seen a human this close before. Oh - he's very handsome, isn't he?
Scuttle: [Looking at Max, Eric's dog] I dunno, he looks kinda hairy and slobbery to me.

Ariel: Is he - dead? [Opens Eric's eyelid]
Scuttle: It's hard to say.
[Puts his ear against Eric's foot]
Oh, I - I can't make out a heartbeat.

Sebastian singing: The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake.

Sebastian: Ariel? Ariel? Oh... somebody's got to nail that girl's fins to the floor.

[Adoring a statue of Eric.]
Ariel: It looks just like him. It even has his eyes. "Why, Eric, run away with you? This is all so - so *sudden*..."

Ariel: If I become human, I'll never be with my father or sisters again.
Ursula: That's *right*. But - you'll have your man. Life's full of tough choices, innit?

Sebastian: Jeez, man, I'm surrounded by amateurs! You want something done, you've got to do it yourself.

Sebastian: Are you sure about this?
Scuttle: Have I ever been wrong? I mean when it's important!

Sebastian: Hm! Teenagers. They think they know everything. You give them an inch, they swim all over you.

---

Little Women (1994)

Laurie: Hello! Jo! Come over here. You too, Meg. It's dull as tombs around here.

Laurie: What do those girls do over there all day?
John Brooke: Over the mysteries of female life there is drawn a veil, best left undisturbed.

Amy: We bare our souls and tell the most appalling secrets.

Jo: He's dull as powder, Meg. Can't you at least marry someone amusing?

Beth: I feel stronger with you close by.

Jo: Well, of course Aunt March prefers Amy over me. Why shouldn't she? I'm ugly and awkward and I always say the wrong things. I fly around throwing away perfectly good marriage proposals. I love our home, but I'm just so dreadful and I can't stand being here! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Marmee. There's just something really wrong with me. I want to change, but I - I can't. And I just know I'll never fit in anywhere.

Amy: We'll all grow up some day. We might as well know what we want.

Jo: I rather crave violence.

Jo: Don't be such a beetle! I could never love anyone as I love my sisters!

Jo: If I weren't going to be a writer I'd go to New York and pursue the stage. Are you shocked?
Laurie: Very.

Jo: Now we are all family, as we always should have been.

Marmee: I am going to write him a letter.
Jo: A letter. That'll show him.

Beth: I am not afraid. I can be brave like you. But I know I shall be homesick for you, even in Heaven.

Jo: What's going to happen?
Friedrich: The inevitable.

Marmee: Feminine weaknesses and fainting spells are the direct result of our confining young girls to the house, bent over their needlework, and restrictive corsets.

Doctor: There is nothing I can do. If I were to bleed her, it would finish her. We must send for the mother.
Laurie: Forgive me. I have already done so.

Jo: Will we never all be together again?

Amy: I don't wanna die. I've never even been kissed. I've waited my whole to be kissed, and what if I miss it?
Laurie: I tell you what. I promise to kiss you before you die.

Friedrich: Jo. Such a little name for... such a person.

Friedrich: But I have nothing to give you. My hands are empty.
[entwines her hands with his]
Jo: Not empty now.

Laurie: I have loved you since the moment I clamped eyes on you. What could be more reasonable than to marry you?
Jo: We'd kill each other.
Laurie: Nonsense!
Jo: Neither of us can keep our temper---
Laurie: I can, unless provoked.
Jo: We're both stupidly stubborn, especially you. We'd only quarrel!
Laurie: I wouldn't!
Jo: You can't even propose without quarreling.

Marmee: Oh, Jo. Jo, you have so many extraordinary gifts; how can you expect to lead an ordinary life? You're ready to go out and - and find a good use for your talent. Tho' I don't know what I shall do without my Jo. Go, and embrace your liberty. And see what wonderful things come of it.

Beth: I'm so full of happiness, that if Father was only here, I couldn't hold one drop more.

Amy: You don't need dozens of suitors. You need only one... if he's the right one.

Laurie: I'm quite taken by that one.
Jo: That's Meg!
Laurie: Meg.
Jo: That's my sister. She's completely bald in front.

Friedrich: You must write from the depths of your soul!

John: Over the mysteries of female life there is drawn a veil best left undisturbed.

Laurie: Someday you'll find a man, a good man, and you'll love him, and marry him, and live and die for him. And I'll be hanged if I stand by and watch.

Beth: I know I shall be homesick for you even in Heaven.

Amy: Do you love Laurie more than you love me?
Jo: Don't be silly! I could never love anyone more than I love my sisters.

---

The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996)

Hal: I don't swear, drink or smoke. Oh, s***! I *do* drink and smoke!

Samantha: What happened back there?
Mitch: I saved your a**. It was great!

Mitch: When I first met you, you were all like "Oh, phooey, I burned the darn muffins." Now, you go into a bar and ten minutes later sailors come running out screaming!

Mitch: The last time I got blown, candy bars cost a nickel.

Thug (to Charly): Hey, lady, this is a gun!
Mitch (to the thug): This ain't no ham on rye.
[to Charly] Sorry, I would have been here earlier, but I was thinkin' up that "ham-on-rye" line.

[Before she goes in to save her daughter]
Charly: They're gonna blow my head off, you know. This is the last time I'll be pretty.

Mitch: I never did one thing right in my life, not one. That takes skill.

Thug: Good evening, lady. You need some company?
Charly Baltimore: No, thanks, I'm saving myself until I get raped.

[Holding a knife to the neck of a woman's child]
Timothy: You're about to have 2.4 children.

[Samantha notices the gun in Mitch's pocket]
Samantha: It makes a bulge, people can see!
Mitch: Do ya want me to stick it in my pants and shoot my d*** dick off?
Samantha: Now you're a sharpshooter?

Samantha: Are you a Mormon?
Mitch: Yes, I'm a Mormon. That's why I just smoked a pack of Newports and drank three vodka tonics.

Charly: You're gonna die screaming.

Mitch: So, you cold?
Charly: Yeah, freezing.
Mitch: Well turn on the heat. It doesn't work, but it makes a very annoying noise that distracts from the cold.

Charly: I'm leaving the country, Mitch. I need a fake passport and I need money, lots of it.
Mitch: Well, why didn't you say so? Hold on a minute while I pull that outta my a**.

Charly: Are you stupid or did you just take lessons?
Mitch: I took lessons.

Hal (toasting): May the best of your past be the worst of your future.

Charly Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Mitch: I sure hope not, 'cause right now I'm thinking about how much my balls hurt.

Charly: Oh, you've only got four inches? Timothy: You'll feel me.

Charly: I let you touch me, cowboy. I think I need a bath.

Charly: You couldn't hit a lake if you were standing on the bottom.

Charly: Come midnight, you hang here by the booth for a while. If Perkins plays it my way, nobody will show up. If he wants me erased, he'll send someone to kidnap and torture you for my whereabouts. If that happens, I know I can't trust him.

Charly: Life is pain. Get used to it!

Mitch: You know what happens when you make an assumption? You make an ass out of u and mption!

Mitch: We just jumped out of a building! Nathan: Yes, it was all very exciting. Tomorrow we go to the zoo.

Mitch: I'm very frank and earnest with women. In Chicago, I'm Frank, and in New York, I'm Earnest!

---

The Lost Boys (1987)

Grandpa: If you read the T.V. Guide, you don't need a T.V.

Grandpa: Second shelf is mine. That's where I keep my rootbeers and my double-thick Oreo cookies. Nobody touches the second shelf but me.

David: How are those maggots?
Michael: Huh?
David: Maggots, Michael. You're eating maggots. How do they taste?

David: Now you know what we are, now you know what you are. You'll never grow old, Michael, and you'll never die. But you must feed!

Sam: You're a creature of the night, Michael. My own brother, a goddam s***-sucking vampire. You wait 'til Mom finds out!

Sam: It's that girl from the boardwalk. Is she one of them?
[Star floats up to the window]
She is one of them! And don't tell me it doesn't make her a bad person, Mike.

Alan: Kill your brother, you'll feel better!

Edgar: I just want you to know that if you attempt to vamp out on me in any way, I will not hesitate to put a stake through your heart.
Sam: Chill out, Edgar.

Alan: Holy s***! It's the attack of Eddie Munster!

David: It is too late, my blood is in your veins.
Michael: So is mine!

Max: Don't you know never to let a vampire in your house?

Grandpa: One thing about living in Santa Carla I never could stomach. All the d*** vampires.

---

Lost in Space (1998)

Don: OK, last one to kill a bad guy buys the beer.

John: There's a lot of space out there to get lost in.

[To her diary]
Penny: On this eve before she is torn from all she knows, kidnapped, hurled into deep space against her will, what thoughts fill the mind of the young space captive?

Dr. Smith: Give my regards to oblivion.

[Launching the Jupiter-1]
Don: And the monkey flips the switch.

Don: I'm just taking the family camper on an interstellar picnic.

Don: Eight years of space flight training for this!

Robot: Destroy Robinson family!

[To her diary, about Don]
Penny: Ouch. Could he be cuter? I don't *think* so.

Penny: Never love anything, kiddo, you will just end up losing it.

Judy: I don't like the sound of that sound.

Dr. Smith: Like the drip, drip, drip of blood...
Don: You really need to shut up.

Don: You know, I'm thinking this is your "kiss for luck" situation.
Judy: Thinking. Not your strong point, is it?

Dr. Smith: I'm a doctor, not a space explorer.

Dr. Smith: Black was always my colour.

Robot: Why did the robot cross the road? Because he was carbon bonded to the chicken!

Robot: It sounds like old morse code.
Will: What does it say?
Robot: Danger, Will Robinson, danger.