Major League (1989)

Board Member 1: I've never heard of half of these guys and the ones I do know are way past their prime.
Donovan: Most of these guys never had a prime.
Board Member 2: This guy here is dead.
Rachel: Cross him *off* then.

Donovan: How would you like to manage the Indians this year?
Lou: Gee, I don't know.... Donovan: What do you mean? This is your chance to manage in the big leagues.
Lou: Let me get back to you. I got a guy on the other line asking about some white walls.

Willie: I'm Willie Mays Hayes. I hit like Mays, and I run like Hayes.
Lou: Well, you may run like Mays, but you hit like s***.

Jake: That's my wife...
Willie: Does she know that?
Jake: Well, she would've been if I hadn't screwed it up... and what's she doing with that guy?
Vaughn: Want me to drag him out of here, kick the s*** out of him?

Vaughn: What's that s*** on your chest?
Harris (wiping his finger across his chest): Crisco,
[wiping it across his waist line]
Bardol,
[wiping it along his head]
Vagisil. Any one of them will give you another two to three inches drop on your curve ball. Of course if the umps are watching me real close I'll rub a little jalapeño up my nose, get it runnin', and if I need to load the ball up just
[wipes his nose]
wipe my nose.
Vaughn: You put snot on the ball?
Harris: I haven't got an arm like you, kid. I have to put anything on it I can find. Someday you will too.

Harry: That's all... one G**d*** hit.
Assistant: You can't say G**d*** on the air.
Harry: Ahh, don't worry, nobody is listening anyway.

Harry: The post-game show is brought to you by...
[searches through his papers]
Aw, I can't find it. The h*** with it!

Harry: Remember, fans, Tuesday is Die Hard Night. Free admission for anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won the pennant.

Jake (to Rexman): Hell of a situation we got here. Two on, two out, your team down a run and you've got the chance to be the hero on national television... if you don't blow it. Saw your wife last night. Great little dancer. That guy she was with? I'm sure he's a close personal friend, but tell me, what was he doing with her panties on his head?
[Rexman pops the ball straight up]
Oh, I don't think it's got the distance.

Jake: I'm with the Indians.
Woman at Party: Here, in Cleveland? I didn't know we still had a team!
Jake: Yeah, we've got uniforms and everything. It's really great.

Donovan: Vaughn's been looking good out there today.
Rachel: Don't worry, he'll blow it.

Harry Doyle: In case you haven't noticed, and judging by the attendance you haven't, the Indians have managed to win a few ball games, and are threatening to climb out of the cellar.

[After sliding into home plate in a tux.]
Willie: The American Express Card. Don't steal home without it.

Harry: Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor.

[Vaughn is about to throw the final pitch for the Indians in the playoff game]
Lou: Forget about the curve ball Ricky, give him the heater.

---

Major Payne (1994)

Major Payne: You might feel a little pressure...

Dr. Phillips: You're in charge of the green boys?
Major Payne: Come again?
Dr. Phillips: The green boys... they wear those green things... You know what's funny, when they stand in front of the bushes... I can't see them!

Major Payne: Killin' is my business, people, and business is gooood!

Major Payne: One, tubby, tubby! Two, tubby, tubby!

Major Payne: What we've have here is a failure to communicate.

Major Payne: Let me tell you something a**-eyes, let me tell you ALL something: War has made me very PARANOID! And when you get to eye-balling me, makes my Agent Orange act up, makes me want to KILL!

Major Payne: From now on, my little group of shaved scrotum sacks, you will walk like me, talk like me, eat like me, and until you win those games, you will be *bald* like me.

Major Payne: One! Don't you feel dumb. Two! Look at you. Three! Don't you ever make jokes about me behind my back or else I'll stomp you into the ground.

Major Payne: From this moment, you are no longer turds. You have graduated to maggots!

Major Payne: Boy, I am two seconds from being on you like white on rice in a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snowstorm. I'm gonna put my foot so far up your ass, the water on my knee will quench your thirst.
Alex Stone: Try it.

Alex Stone: What about family and unity and all that other b******* you said?
Major Payne: I never said family don't break up. Don't you watch Oprah?

Tiger: Major Payne! I have to go to the bathroom.
Major Payne: You hold it, turd!
Tiger: I can't!
Major Payne: You hold it or else I'll break it off and kick it around on the ground!
[Tiger gasps and stops talking.]
[Later.]
Tiger: Major Payne.
Major Payne: What, boy? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
Tiger: I had an accident.
Major Payne: You nasty little worm. Go change your Huggies, boy!

Major Payne: You eye me one more time I'll snatch it out and put it in Heathcoat's cookie bag!

Emily: [She and Tiger enter Major Payne's office] Apparently he had a little accident.
Major Payne: Apparently he pissed all over the front of his pants.
Emily: Well maybe that's because he's six.
Major Payne: Because he's six? Woman, when I was six years old I had a full time job.

Major Payne: What's your damage, muscle head? You stupid? You ignorant or are you just plain old deaf?
Woliger: Actually, sir, he is deaf.
Major Payne: Oh, thank you now drop down and give me 25 more for speaking out of line!
Major Payne: [signing as he speaks]I'm sorry Mr. Handicapped Man. Do you understand sign language? Can you read lips? Well if you don't answer me when I speak to you, I'm gonna put my foot in your ass, is that clear dummy?
Fox: Sir, Yes sir!

Alex : It's slippery!
Major Payne: Slippery he say. You think Charlie cares anything about slippery? The only thing he know is to slip your throat. What if this were a life or death situation?
Alex: But it's not a life or death situation.
Major Payne: [Pulls out grenade and pulls the pin] It is now.
Alex: Oh, come on, it's just a dummy grenade.
[Major Payne tosses the grenade into some trees. It explodes and Alex dives into the mud]
Major Payne: Who's the dummy now?

Major Payne: From now on, you will not eat, sleep, blow your nose or dig in your butts without my say! Killin'is my business, ladies, and business is good!

Major Payne: Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum. What beanstalk you fall from?

Major Payne: If he ain't dead, he ain't happy!

Emily: He's trying to show you some affection.
Major Payne: I don't like it. It makes me feel all funny.

[Throughout the Movie]
Major Payne: Heh, heh, heh!

Major Payne: Maybe I like you.
Emily: Just like?
Major Payne: Maybe I like you a lot.
Emily: That's it?
Major Payne: Don't push the "maybes", baby.

Major Payne: You like the way I handled them white folks back there?
Williams: Yeah.
Major Payne: You like a black man to handle things?
Cadet Williams: Malcolm X.
Major Payne: Let me tell you something... Come a little close now... [yelling into Williams' ear] I AM NOT YOUR DAMN BROTHER!

Tiger: Major Payne wiped out the enemy with extreme prejudice!

Major Payne: Ain't no need for name-callin'!

Major Payne: I surprised you ain't dropped 'bout 12 puppies by now. Ain't you never been married?
Emily: Yeah, I was.
Major Payne: What happened? You terminate his command?
Emily: No, actually he left. I wanted children, he didn't.

Major Payne: I guess I just had that one a comin' Well you know what ya'll got a comin'? Seven twenty-three hour days of fun and adventure. I'm gonna make you boys strong!

---

The Man in the Iron Mask (1998)

D'Artagnan: You're surrounded by beautiful women. Do you love any of them?
Louis: Quite frequently, actually.

Aramis: We are offering you the chance to be King.
Phillippe: No, you are offering me the chance to pretend to be King.

Aramis: You are surrounded by beauty, by intrigue, by danger, what more can a man want?

D'Artagnan: Your people are most anxious to love you but they are eating rotten food and frequently none at all.

Louis: Riots? But Paris is the most beautiful city in the world. Why would my people feel anything but pride and contentment?

Louis: The next time there are rioters, shoot them.

Louis: There is more of me to love than a crown.

Phillippe: I wear the mask. It does not wear me.

Louis: Never underestimate the Dutch!

Louis: I am a young king, but I am king.
D'Artagnan: Then be a good king.

D'Artagnan: Anne, I know that to love you is a treason against France, but not to love you is a treason against my heart.
Queen Anne: Then we will both die traitors, D'Artagnan.

Porthos: I'd rather die covered in blood than an old man lying in my own piss.

Louis: Bring me the heads of Athos, Porthos, and Aramis, or I will have yours. And as for you, back to the prison you will go. And into the mask you hate. Wear it 'til you love it! And die in it.

---

Mannequin (1987)

Jonathan: A radio shrink? They're only good for people with problems that fit between the commercials.

---

Mary Poppins (1964)

[On the failure of their previous nanny]
Mrs. Banks: She seemed so solemn and cross.
Mr. Banks: Never confuse efficiency with a liver complaint.

Mr. Banks (singing): It's grand to be an Englishman in 1910 / King Edward's on the throne; it's the age of men!

Jane and Michael (singing): If you don't scold and dominate us / We will never give you cause to hate us / We won't hide your spectacles so you can't see / Put toads in your bed or pepper in your tea.

[Mary Poppins measures herself with her tape measure and reads what it says.]
Mary Poppins: Just as I thought. "Mary Poppins, pratically perfectly in every way."

Mary Poppins: In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun and - SNAP - the job's a game!

Mr. Banks (singing): It's 6:03 and the heirs to my dominion are scrubbed and tubbed and adequately fed. And so I'll pat them on the head and send them off to bed. Ah, lordly is the life I lead.

Mrs. Banks: As a matter of fact, since you hired Mary Poppins, the most extraordinary things seem to have come over the household.
Mr. Banks: Is that so.
Mrs. Banks: Take Ellen for instance. She hasn't broken a dish all morning!
Mr. Banks: Really. Well, that is extraordinary.

Bert (singing): You've got to grind, grind, grind, at that grindstone.

Bert: You think... you wink... you do a double blink. You close your eyes, and JUMP!
[nothing happens]
Jane: Was something supposed to happen?
Mary Poppins: Bert, what utter nonsense. Why do you always complicate things that are really quite simple. Give me your hand please Michael. Don't slouch. One, two...
[they jump into the sidewalk drawing]

Mr. Banks: Just a moment, Mary Poppins. What is the meaning of this outrage?!
Mary Poppins: I beg your pardon?
Mr. Banks: Will you be good enough to explain all this?!
Mary Poppins: First of all, I would like to make one thing perfectly clear.
Mr. Banks: Yes?
Mary Poppins: I never explain anything. [exits]

Mrs. Banks (singing): Though we adore men individually, we agree that as a group they're rather stupid.

Bert (singing): ...but cream of the crop, tip of the top is Mary Poppins, and there we stop!

Mr. Banks: Kindly do not attempt to cloud the issue with facts.

Mr. Banks (singing): A man has dreams of walking with giants / To carve his niche in the edifice of time. / Before the mortar of his seal / Has a chance to congeal / The cup is dashed from his lips / The flame is snuffed a-borning / He's brought to wrack and ruin in his prime.

Mary Poppins: Close your mouth, please, Michael, we are not a codfish.

Mary Poppins: Of course, you can say it backwards, which is dociousaliexpilisticfragicalirupus, but that's going a bit too far, don't you think?
Bert: Indubitably.

---

The Mask of Zorro (1998)

Captain Love: Are you alright?
Don Rafael: Did you find the map?
Captain Love: No.
Don Rafael: Is my army ready to battle Santa Ana's?
Captain Love: No.
Don Rafael: Then why are you asking me if I'm alright? Of course I'm not alright!

Don Diego: There is a saying, a very old saying: when the pupil is ready the master will appear.

Don Diego: Do you know how to use that thing?
Alejandro: Of course, the pointy end goes into the other man.

Alejandro: I've never lost a fight!
Don Diego: Except to a crippled old man just now.

Alejandro: Do you surrender?
Elena: No, but I may scream.
Alejandro: I sometimes have that effect.

Don Rafael Montero: Did you recognize him?
Elena: No, but he was young and vigorous. Very... vigorous, father.

Alejandro: I think that Zorro wears the mask to cover his bald head and unsightly features.

Elena: Forgive me father for I have sinned. It has been three days since my last confession.
Alejandro: Geez... how many sins could you have committed in 3 days? Come back when you have more time.

Elena: I have broken the fourth commandment, father.
Alejandro: You've killed somebody?
Elena: No, that is not the fourth commandment!
Alejandro: [pause] Of course not!

Elena: I have dishonored my father.
Alejandro: That is not so bad. Maybe your father deserved it.

Captain Love: We were trying to dance.
Alejandro: You were trying. She was succeeding.

---

The MatchMaker (1997)

Sean: Sometimes the easy way out is the right way out.

Marcy: Is being an idiot like being high all the time?
Sean: No, it's like being constantly right.

Marcy: Oh, yes, I'm so very Mary Tyler Moore, everyone says so.

Sean: If you lay a hand on me again, I'll be mailing it back to you.

Marcy: I long to fax someone.

Marcy: It's so beautiful here. If it just had the New York Times, it would be perfect.

---

Men in Black (1997)

K: Raise your hands - and all of your flippers.

[J has just jumped from a bridge onto a tour bus]
J: It just be raining black men in New York!

J: Freeze means don't move!

J: NYPD means I will Nock Yo Punkass Down!

Bug: Put your projectile weapon on the ground.
Edgar: You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold dead hands.
Bug: Your proposition is acceptable.

J: This has *got* to be a nine-point-oh on my weird-s***-o-meter.

K: You sold a reverberating carbonizer with mutate capacity to an unlicensed cephalopoid, Jeebs!
Jeebs: He looked alright to me.

Zed: Gentlemen, congratulations. You're everything we've come to expect from years of government training.

Zed: You'll dress only in attire specially sanctioned by MiB special services. You'll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we tell you, live where we tell you. From now on you'll have no identifying marks of any kind. You'll not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You're a rumor, recognizable only as deja vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don't exist; you were never even born. Anonymity is your name. Silence your native tongue. You're no longer part of the System. You're above the System. Over it. Beyond it. We're "them." We're "they." We are the Men in Black.

J: You know the difference between you and me?... I make this look good.

K: These are our two Centaurian communictions board operators, Woiebgck and Bob.

J: All the technology in the universe and we drive a Ford P.O.S.

Zed: We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger down here.

Beatrice: Did you come to make fun of me too?
K: No, ma'am. The FBI has no sense of humor that we're aware of. May we come in?
Beatrice: Well... okay.

K: All right... Beatrice, there was no alien. The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket and reflected the light from Venus. J: Wait a minute. You just flash that thing, it erases her memory, and you just make up a new one?
K: A standard issue neuralyzer.
J: And that weak-a** story's the best you can come up with?

J: Why don't ya go down to Bloomingdales and get some make-up, clothes, manicure, and a facial. Oh, and you better hire a decorator to come in here cause, d***.

K: There are approximately 1500 aliens in Manhattan.
J: Cab drivers?
K: Not as many as you think.

J: Did you ever flashy thing me?
K: No.
J: I ain't playing, K. Did you ever flashy thing me?
K: No.

J: You do know that Elvis is dead, don't you?
K: No, he's not. He just went back home.

J: Zed, don't you guys ever get any sleep around here?
Zed: The twins keep us on Centaurian time, standard thirty-seven hour day. Give it a few months. You'll get used to it, or you'll have a psychotic episode.

Dr. Weaver: What's with the cat?
Cop: Well, there's a problem with the cat. Sign here.
Dr. Weaver (signing): What's the problem with the cat?
Cop: It's your problem.

Dr. Weaver: I hate the living.

K: Arquillian battle rules: first we get an ultimatum, then a warning shot, then a galactic standard week to respond.
J: A galactic standard week? How long is that?
K: One hour.

K: 1500 years ago, everybody "knew" that the earth was the center of the universe. 500 years ago, everybody "knew" that the earth was flat. And 15 minutes ago, you "knew" that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll "know" tomorrow.

J: Why the big secret? People are smart, they can handle it.
K: A *person* is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it.

Bug: Ever pull the wing off a fly? Care to see the fly get even?

K: Set for pulsar level five, subsonic implosion factor two.
J: What?
K: Just shoot the d*** thing!

Bug: You're coming with me. It's a long trip. I'll need a snack.

J: There's only one way off this planet and that's through me!

J: We should contact Dennis Rodman, he's from that planet.
L: Rodman? You're kidding!... Not a very good disguise.

---

The Mighty Ducks (1992)

Jesse: Yo dude! You obviously in the wrong hood. This is my dominion, and it's a drug free zone. You understand? Now I'm feelin' generous today. So I'm gonna let you get your sorry vanilla booty out of here before we be usin' your eyeballs as hockey pucks!

Casey Conway: Look, Mr. Zen master, you may be in tune with the ice universe, but "I just know" doesn't cut it.

Goldberg: Be careful man, it almost hit me that time!
Charlie: Goldberg, you're the goalie. It's supposed to hit you.
Goldberg: Does that sound stupid to anyone else?

Coach Reilly: You could have been one of the greats. Now look at yourself. You could have been someone. You're not even a has been. You're a never was.

---

Mimic (1997)

[On insect's inner motivation]
Dr. Gates: Can I eat it or will it eat me?

Susan: Sometimes an insect will even mimic its predator.

Susan: They mimic us. We mimic them.

Dr. Gates: My God, the organs, they're... perfectly formed.

---

Miracle on 34th Street (1947)

Fred: Look, Doris, someday you're going to find that your way of facing this realistic world just doesn't work. And when you do, don't overlook those lovely intangibles. You'll discover those are the only things that are worthwhile.

Fred: Faith is believing when common sense tells you not to.

---

The Mirror Has Two Faces (1996)

Claire: If he weren't gorgeous, rich and straight, I wouldn't even have bothered.

Rose: I look like an over-the-hill Barbie Doll.

Gregory: The mathematical world is completely rational, uncomplicated by sex.

Rose: It's not a date. We're just agreeing to eat at the same place.

Gregory: I want to be upfront. I am not interested in sex with you.

Gregory: You don't use make-up.
Rose: What's the point? It'd still be me, only in color.

Rose: Let's face it. They're not standing in line for me.

Rose: By the way, would telling you now that I want sex tonight be enough of a warning?

Henry: I don't date these women for their minds. I gave her a copy of Farewell to Arms. She thought it was the latest diet book.

Gregory: I liked the old Rose! She eats carrots now, isn't that tragic?

Claire: Now you spend an extra hour in front of the mirror every morning and every night. And now you'll be the one to walk into a room and scan it for who looks better than you and who doesn't. And as the years go by, the numbers change. One day you'll walk into a room and you're the last woman any man notices.

Rose: What, what? Yes, I do have breasts. Unfortunately, they cannot, however, be the subject of your next report.

Rose: I just can't eat a cheeseburger in the middle of the day anymore. Doesn't it make you bloated?
Doris: Bloated? No, I thought it went rather nicely with the spare ribs I had for breakfast.

Gregory: I don't care if you're pretty, I love you anyway!

---

Mission: Impossible (1996)

Jack: Hasta lasagna, don't get any on ya.

Kittridge: I understand you're very upset.
Ethan: You've never seen me very upset.

Kittridge: If you want to shake hands with the devil, that's fine with me. I'll just make sure that you do it in h***.

Krueger: While we're in Virginia let's stop by Fort Knox. I'll fly a helicopter through the lobby and land right inside the vault. And it would be a hell of a lot easier than breaking into the G**d*** CIA!

Luther: You really think we can do this.
Ethan: We're going to do it.

Ethan: Zero bodycount.
Krueger: We'll see.

Kittridge: I want him manning a radar tower in Alaska by the end of the day. Just mail him his clothes.

Ethan: Relax, Luther, it's much worse than you think.

---

Les Misérables(1998)

Carnot: I'm a man who... what's the word for it? I'm one of those people who doesn't eat every day. I'm... I'm hungry, that's the word.

Jean Valjean: I order you to forgive yourself.

Javert: Reform is a discarded fantasy.

---

Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1974)

Peasant 1: Who's that there?
Peasant 2: I don't know... Must be a king...
Peasant 1: Why?
Peasant 2: He hasn't got s*** all over him.

Arthur: Old woman!
Dennis: Man.
Arthur: Man, sorry.
Dennis: I'm 37.
Arthur: What?
Dennis: I'm 37. I'm not old.
Arthur: I did apologize about the "old woman," but from behind you looked, well...
Dennis: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior.
Arthur: Well, I am king.
Dennis: Oh, king, eh? And how'd you get that? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society.

Arthur: I am your king!
Woman: Well I didn't vote for you!
Arthur: You don't vote for kings.
Woman: Well, how'd you become king then?
[Angelic music plays...]
Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering silmite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. *That* is why I am your king!
Dennis: Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!

Dennis: Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!

Dennis: Oh, but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

Dennis: Help! Help! I'm being repressed! Come see the violence inherent in the system! Violence inherent in the system!

King of Swamp Castle: Look Alice...
Prince Herbert: Herbert!
King of Swamp Castle: Herbert...

[The King gestures to the window.]
King of Swamp Castle: Some day, lad, all this will be yours.
Prince Herbert: What, the curtains?

King of Swamp Castle: When I first came here, this was all swamp. Everyone said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built in all the same, just to show them. It sank into the swamp. So I built a second one. And that one sank into the swamp. So I built a third. That burned down, fell over, and then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. And that's what you're going to get, Son, the strongest castle in all of England.

King of Swamp Castle: We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.
Prince Herbert: But I don't like her.
King of Swamp Castle: Don't like her? What's wrong with her. She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge ... tracts of land.

King of Swamp Castle: This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let's not argue about who killed who.

Minstrel (singing): Bravely bold Sir Robin, brough forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin. He was not in the least bit scared to being mashed into a pulp, or to have his eyes carved out, and his elbows broken. To have his knee cut split, and his body burned away, and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin. His head smashed in and heart cut out, and his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged, and his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off and his penis...
Sir Robin: *That's,* that's quite enough, Minstrel.

Minstrel (singing): Brave Sir Robin ran away, bravely ran away away. When danger reared his ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled. Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about, he turned his tail, he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat. A brave retreat by Sir Robin.

God: What are you doing now?
Arthur: Averting our eyes, oh Lord.
God: Well, don't. It's just like those miserable psalms, always so depressing.

God: Every time I try to talk to someone it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy"...

French Soldier: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough water! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

Arthur: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
French Soldier: No, now go away before I taunt you a second time.

Galahad: Look, let me face the peril!
Lancelot: No, no, it's much too perilous!

Black Knight: Have at you!
Arthur: You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight is mine.
Black Knight: Oh, had enough, eh?
Arthur: Look, you stupid b******. You've got no arms left!
Black Knight: Yes, I have.
Arthur: Look!
Black Knight: Just a flesh wound!

French Knight: You don't frighten us, English pig dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur King," you and all your silly English K-nig-hts.

Bedevere: ...and that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana shaped.
Arthur: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

Bedevere: What makes you think she's a witch?
Peasant: Well, she turned me into a newt!
Bedevere: A newt?
Peasant: I got better.
Crowd: BURN HER ANYWAY!

Lancelot: Look, my liege!
[trumpets]
Arthur: Camelot!
Sir Galahad: Camelot!
Lancelot: Camelot!
Patsy: It's only a model.
Arthur: Shh!

Arthur: On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.

Knight: We are the Knights who say... NI!

Knight 1: We are now no longer the Knights who say Ni.
Knight 2: NI!
Other Knights: Shh...
Knight 1: We are now the Knights who say... "Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-Ekki-PTANG! Zoom-Boing! Z'nourrwringmm!"

Tim: Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.
Arthur: What an eccentric performance.

Brother Maynard: Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, "Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First, thou pullest the Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."

---

Moonstruck (1987)

[Loretta announces she's going to marry Johnny]
Cosmo: I don't like him.
Rose: You're not going to marry him, Cosmo. Do you love him, Loretta?
Loretta: No.
Rose: Good.
[looks at Cosmo]
When you love them they drive you crazy because they know they can.

Cosmo: There are three kinds of pipe. There's aluminum, which is garbage. There's bronze, which is pretty good, unless something goes wrong. And something always goes wrong. Then, there's copper, which is the only pipe I use. It costs money. It costs money because it saves money.

[As Cosmo listens to "It Must Be Him" in the next room.]
Rose: Now he's going to play that d*** Vicki Carr record, and when he comes to bed he won't touch me.

Rose: I just want you to know that no matter what you do, you're still gonna die.
Cosmo: Thank you, Rose.

Ronny: They say bread is life. And I bake bread, bread, *bread*. And I sweat and shovel this stinkin' dough in and out of this hot hole in the wall, and I should be *so* happy! Huh, sweetie?

Ronny: I'm no friggin' monument to justice! I lost my hand! I lost my bride! Johnny has his hand! Johnny has his bride! You want me to take my heartache, put it away and forget?

[Johnny, at his mother's deathbed, telephones Loretta]
Loretta: Did you tell her we're getting married?
Johnny: I'm waiting... I'm waiting for a moment when she is peaceful.
Loretta: Well, don't wait until she's dead.

Rose: How's the mother?
Loretta: She's dying. But I could still hear her big mouth.

Ronny: This was painted by Marc Chagall. And, as you can see, he was a very great artist.
Loretta: It's a little gaudy, don't you think?
Ronny: Well, he was havin' some fun.

Loretta: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been two months since my last confession.
Father: What sins have you to confess?
Loretta: Twice I took the name of the Lord in vain, once I slept with the brother of my fiancee, and once I bounced a check at the liquor store, but that was really an accident.
Father: Then it's not a sin. But... what was that second thing you said, Loretta?

Ronny: Everything seems like nothing to me now, 'cause I want you in my bed. I don't care if I burn in hell. I don't care if you burn in hell. The past and the future is a joke to me now. I see that they're nothing. I see they ain't here. The only thing that's here is you - and me.

Ronny: Loretta, I love you. Not like they told you love is, and I didn't know this either, but love don't make things nice - it ruins everything. It breaks your heart. It makes things a mess. We aren't here to make things perfect. The snowflakes are perfect. The stars are perfect. Not us. Not us! We are here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and *die*. The storybooks are *b***s****. Now I want you to come upstairs with me and *get* in my bed!

Ronny: You ruined my life.
Loretta: That's impossible! It was ruined when I got here! *You* ruined *my* life!

Ronny: I love you.
[slaps him twice]
Loretta: Snap out of it!

Rose: Have I been a good wife?
Cosmo: Yeah.
Rose: I want you to stop seeing her.
[Cosmo rises, slams the table once, "offended" at the accusation, and sits down again.]
Cosmo: Okay.

Cosmo: I can't sleep any more. It's too much like death.

[trying to wake up Rose]
Cosmo: Rose. Rose. Rose! Rose!
[she wakes up]
Rose: Who's dead?

Grandfather: La bella luna! The moon brings the woman to the man. Capice?

Rose: Old man, you give those dogs another piece of my food and I'm gonna kick you 'til you're dead!

Johnny: God took a rib from Adam and made Eve. Now maybe men chase women to get the rib back. When God took the rib from Adam, he left a big hole there, where there used to be something. And the women have that. Now maybe, just maybe, a man isn't complete as a man without a woman.
Rose: But why would a man need more than one woman?
Johnny: I don't know. Maybe because he fears death.

Cosmo: A man understands one day that his life is built on nothing, and that's a bad, crazy day.
Rose: Your life is not built on nothing! Te amo.

Loretta: What am I going to tell him?
Cosmo: Tell him the truth. They find out anyway.

Johnny: In time, you'll see that this is the best thing.
Loretta: In time, you'll drop dead and I'll come to your funeral in a red dress!

Rose: Do you love him, Loretta?
Loretta: Aw, ma, I love him awful.
Rose: Oh, that's too bad.

---

Mr. Holland's Opus (1995)

Mr. Holland: Playing music is supposed to be fun. It's about heart, it's about feelings, moving people, and something beautiful, and it's not about notes on a page. I can teach you notes on a page, I can't teach you that other stuff.

Mr. Holland: The day they cut the football budget in this state, that will be the end of Western Civilization as we know it!

Mrs. Holland: Why is everyone else's child more important than yours?

Vice Principal Wolters: Rock 'n' roll by its very nature leads to a breakdown in discipline.

Vice Principal Wolters: Have you been to any of the football games this season, Mr. Holland?
Mr. Holland: I can't say that I have, no.
Vice Principal Wolters: Well, Mrs. Jacobs and I feel that there's something missing.
Mr. Holland: Touchdowns?

Mr. Holland: Which instrument do you think you'd like to play?
Louis Russ: Well, I was kinda thinkin' like... How about electric guitar?
Mr. Holland: Well, this is a marching band. The extension cord will kill us.

Louis Russ: Tubas are for fat guys with pimples.

Principal Jacobs: A teacher has two jobs; fill young minds with knowledge, yes, but more important, give those minds a compass so that that knowledge doesn't go to waste.

Rowena Morgan: You love music and you make the kids love it too.

Mr. Holland: Well, congratulations, Gene. You've been looking for a way to get rid of me for 30 years, and they finally gave you an excuse.
Vice Principal Wolters: You know, I'm not as popular as you. I'm not anybody's favorite anything.
Mr. Holland: That's because you're the enemy, Gene. You just don't know it.

Mr. Holland: I'm 60 years old, Gene. What are you going to do: write me a recommendation for the morgue?

Vice Principal Wolters: I care about these kids just as much as you do. And if I'm forced to choose between Mozart and reading and writing and long division, I choose long division. Mr. Holland: Well, I guess you can cut the arts as much as you want, Gene. Sooner or later, these kids aren't going to have anything to read or write about.

---

Mr. Mom (1983)

Jack: I yelled at Kenny for coloring outside the lines! Megan and I are starting to watch the same TV shows. I'm liking them. I'm losing it!

Ron: Are you going to use a 220 connection on that?
Jack: 220, 221, whatever it takes.

---

Mrs. Winterbourne (1996)

[Putting a drunk Paco to bed.]
Bill: Let's make a Paco taco!

Grace: How did I ever raise such a snob?
Bill: I don't know, Mother. I'll ask the servants.

---

Much Ado About Nothing (1993)

Beatrice: Then there was a star danced and under that star I was born.

Benedick: I wish my horse had the speed of your tounge.

Benedick: The world must be peopled!

Don Pedro: I shall see thee, ere I die, look pale with love.
Benedick: With anger, with sickness, or with hunger, my lord, but not with love.

Claudio: Friendship is constant, save in the offices and affairs of love.

Claudio: Done to death by slanderous tongues, was the Hero that here lies: Death, in guerdon of her wrongs, gives her fame which never dies. So the life that died with shame lives in death with glorious fame. Hang thou there upon the tomb, praising her when I am dumb. Now, music, sound and sing your solemn hymn.

Beatrice: Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more. Men were deceivers ever. One foot at sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never. Then sigh not so but let them go and be you blithe and bonny, converting all your songs of woe into hey nonny nonny.

Beatrice: Disdain shall never die with meat such as you to feed upon.

Beatrice: Against my will, I am sent to bid you come into dinner.
Benedick: Fair Beatrice, thank you for your pains.
Beatrice: I took no more pains for those thanks than you take pains to thank me. If it had been painful, I would not have come.
Benedick: You take pleasure then in the message?
Beatrice: Yea, just so much as you may take upon a knife's point. You have no stomach, signior? Fare you well.
Benedick: Ha! "Against my will I am sent to bid you come into dinner." There's a double meaning in that.

Beatrice: I would rather hear a dog bark at a crow than a man swear that he loves me.

Don Jon: I had rather be a canker in a hedge than a rose in his grace...If I had my mouth, I WOULD BITE! If I had my liberty, I would do my liking. In the meantime, SEEK NOT TO ALTER ME!

Don Pedro: Officers, what offense have these men done?
Dogberry: Marry, sir, they have committed false report; moreover, they have spoken untruths; secondarily, they are slanders; sixth and lastly; they have belied a lady; thirdly, they have verified unjust things; and, to conclude, they are lying knaves.

Dogberry: Thou wilt be condemned into everlasting redemption for this.

Dogberry: Are you good men and true?
All: Yea!
Dogberry: Being chosen for the Prince's watch. This is your charge: You are to bid any man stand, in the prince's name.
Francis Seacole: How if a' will not stand?
Dogberry: Why, then take no note of him, but let him go.
Verges: If he will not stand when he is bidden, he is none of the prince's subjects.
Dogberry: True! and we are to meddle with none but the prince's subjects. You shall also make no noise in the streets.
George Seacole: We will rather sleep than talk.
Dogberry: Why, you speak like an ancient and most quiet watchman, for I cannot see how sleeping should offend.

Don Pedro: Wilt thou have me, lady?
Beatrice: Nay my lord, unless I were to have another for working days. Thou art too costly to wear everyday.

---

Mulan (1998)

Mushu: Dragon, not lizard. I don't do that tongue thing.

Yao: I'm going to hit you so hard it will make your ancestors dizzy.

Mushu: Oh, I think my bunny slippers just ran for cover.

Mulan: Just because I look like a man doesn't mean I have to smell like one.

Mushu: My little baby's all grown up... [sniffle] and saving China!

Emperor: A single grain of rice can tip the scale; one man may be the differance between victory and defeat.

Emperor: I've heard a great deal about you, Mulan. You took your father's armor, ran away from home, impersonated a soldier, endangered the lives of thousands of men, and destroyed my palace. But soon the world will know the great things you have done.

Mulan: Would you like to stay for dinner?
Grandmother: Would you like to stay forever?

Fa Zhou: The greatest gift and honor is having you as a daughter.

---

The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

Gonzo: I am here to tell the story.
Rizzo: And I am here for the food.

Vegetables: If he became a flavor you can bet he would be sour. Yuck!
Man: Even the vegetables don't like him.

Rizzo the Rat: Light the lamp, not the rat, light the lamp.

---

My Cousin Vinny (1992)

Vinny: You're in Ala-f***in-bama. You killed a good old boy. There is no way this isn't going to trial.

Vinny: I'm here to collect.
J.T.: How 'bout I just kick your a**.
Vinny: Oh a counter offer. That's what we lawyers, I'm a lawyer... we call that a counter offer. This is a tough decision you give me here. Get my a** kicked or collect two hundred dollars. I could use a good a**-kickin', I'll be perfectly honest with you... no I think I'll just go with the two hundred.
J.T.: Over my dead body.
Vinny: You like to renegotiate as you go along. Well here's my counter offer... do I have to kill you? What if I were just to kick the ever loving s*** out of you?
J.T.: In your dreams.
Vinny Gambini: Oh no no... in reality. If I kick the s*** out of you, do I get the money?

Lisa: Imagine you're a deer. You're prancing around. You get thirsty. You spot a little brook. You put your little deer lips down to the clear water - BAM! A f***in' bullet rips off part of your head! Your brains are lying on the ground in little bloody pieces. Now I ask you, do you give a f*** what kind of pants the son-of-a-b**** who shot you was wearing?!

Lisa: You think I'm hostile now? Wait 'til you see me tonight.