Written: February 13, 2000

I'm doing something totally unlike me at the moment. It's 10:46 P.M., and instead of taking a shower and going to bed, I'm starting this entry. I've decided not to make up that history test tomorrow, so I've rationalized this weird impulse to type. I don't know- it's just been a while, and I feel the need to purge.

This impulse stems (great verb, by the way) from the fact that I was looking over some of my past seeds of thought. I really like that I have my site, by the way. It's just fun. I recommend it to anyone who enjoys surfing the web.

Speaking of web sites, Erin and I had a presentation at this big technology conference on Friday. Last year we led our AP European history class in the creation of this helpful website for future classes. We had advice letters for how to handle the course, and links about every era in history for people who wanted some supplemental learning sources. It was a great project, and we presented it as an example of how to integrate technology into the classroom. The people who came to see our presentation were intrigued, I believe. But not many people came. See, lots of students were doing presentations in our same time slot, and the room they put us in was at the very end of the hallway. So I don't think a lot of people noticed us. That's alright though- we reached some people. I really enjoyed it- it's a great conference.

When we were leaving the conference, we realized our teacher had left the lights in the van we came in on the whole time, so the battery was dead. When we tried to get this bellboy to jump-start it, the guy hooked it up wrong and the battery started smoking. We jumped out of the car. Now, here's the part for reflection. When we jumped out, all the women rushed away and behind the van. The boys, on the other hand, immediately went to the front to see exactly what was going on. What does that mean?

I resolved my political questions. I'm a Democrat. I support Bill Bradley. The cool thing is, I'm a volunteer for Bill Bradley as well. How cool is that? Well, under the traditional definition of cool, not very- I'll admit that, but I'm psyched. It's going to be good, maybe even great- depending on how it goes, election-wise. Then again, maybe that doesn't really matter. Maybe what will really matter is how we play the game.

Written: February 17, 2000

Argh! Stress and . . . well, things that cause stress- I believe health class calls them stressors- are all that make up my life right now. Can I go through it with you, just 'cause I feel the need to clarify everything in my head, and hey- you asked for it by coming here.

• Solo and Ensemble Contest- it's my first vocal one. I have to prepare for a solo, a quartet, and a small ensemble. It's March 4.
• Fiddler on the Roof- after school practices from 3:30 to whenever; the need for a costume; memorizing of songs and dances; performance March 17, 18, and 19.
• Physics- I don't understand the book or the teacher, and since the teacher doesn't follow the book, I'm massively lost. This helps with the new weekly quizzes we have to take. Yay.
• English- I hate Charles Dickens. I don't care how classic and timeless his book are- I hate his writing. And since we were tested over his metaphors in Hard Times, when I was glad to understand the plot, my test wasn't 'characteristic of me,' as everyone's been putting it.
• Grades- Physics and English are both giving me B's (I can't handle B's, for those of you shrugging your shoulders). A new girl has come into our class and blown everyone away rank- wise. I wasn't going for number 1 anyway, but I was fond of number 3- so that hurts. My parents are angry, and friends are doing that mocking and teasing thing I hate so much.
• History- this should have come after the fiddler on the roof complaint, but the thing is that I have a long paper to write that same weekend. I could do it early, though . . .
• Bill Bradley Campaign- I'm glad for this stress and welcome it with open arms, but it's still stress.
• College- I don't want to go to a normal school- I want to be prestigious (call me a snob, but I'd openly admit to it too). Thing is- they cost money.
• Washington, D.C.- I'm flying there in about three weeks, and I'm terrified. Occasionally I'm okay with it, but sometimes I feel the need to cancel the trip.
• Work- I'm starting again sometime soon/whenever.
• ACT- I have a class on Wednesdays from 6:30 to 8:30, so that hurts anything I have planned for Thursday. Plus, there's the fact that its two hours in a classroom full of idiots with occasional humiliating realizations that I'm just like them.
• Tech Club- I still have to attend these meetings, despite everything else, and I really want to finish my school's website.
• People in general- don't even go there.
• Sleep- never gonna get it.
• Driving- ha! and yet, yes.
• NHS- I want to join, gotta fill out the application and be accepted. But since I'm not exactly a well-rounded person, I may not be.

And I'm probably leaving things out. So you can see why I feel physically burdened at all times. This time is kinda different, though, cuz usually my stress level subsides a bit after a certain time period. Now, though, everything is happening simultaneously. Maybe the burden will be lightened a tad at the end of March, but April throws on AP stress, end of the year stress, and possibly prom stress, but that's more like "confirmation of social inadequacy" stress, to tell you the truth.

I'll handle it though. (There's that frickin' optimism again) The problem right now, and all this week, is that I feel very much on-the-spot at all times. I always have to be ready to go, with no chance to go back and fix any mistakes my fatigued mind might have made (which, by Thursday, is many) Added on top of all this is my emotional desperation towards the stress, which leads to such outcries such as "I'm flunking out of school!" and "I'm getting a 10 on my ACT!" or "We're all gonna crash and die!"

Basically what I'm trying to say is that I'm a mess right now. I'm in desperate need of a quiet place. That, or the summer. And it's only February!

People are odd. Three examples: A girl who has not had a conversation with another girl since August gave this girl a Valentine. She prepared it in advance, too, so it wasn't just a spur of the moment impulse. A boy who has never had a conversation with or said even a word to someone in the year and a half they have been aware of each other suddenly says hello to them in the hallway. Someone else was just plain nice, for no reason at all- when no one else noticed anything at all. Tiny, insignificant happenings that came to my attention for small moments this week and caused me to raise an inner eyebrow.

I'm writing this at school. I forgot to mention that, and I wanted to. I have a study hall during which I pretty much refuse to do anything constructive, so I'm writing. This isn't stressful. I think a muscle or two has relaxed. Augh- I gotta go to class now. Type this later, hopefully.

Written: February 29, 2000

I can't believe I haven't made an update since January 20!! I'm sorry! I meant to, as you can see. Does that count?

I think I have an excuse, considering that last list. Don't you agree?

Physics update: I was getting a F- 28%. Then I was getting a C- about 74%, I figure. But my midterms come, and they say I'm getting an A. The teacher is lying, but I would be an idiot to fight her on it. "No, dammit- gimme the C!" That's one conversation that will never take place.

I'm 17. I feel different. When I was a little girl, I figured out how old I was going to be in the year 2000. I was right. But I'm totally different from what I imagined. I was supposed to be tall, mature, popular, involved- different. Like someone from TV, ya know? But I'm beginning to have the feeling that TV is overrated.

Erin is the coolest person in the entire world. She's the greatest friend anyone could ever possibly hope for, cuz she's just cool that way. Do you know how much unnecessary stuff she's done for me? Neither do I, cuz it's just that much. Yeah, so now I'm feeling less than totally awesome. She's in for something, just y'all wait.

The two lockers to the left and one locker to the right of my locker aren't being used by anyone, so when Erin decorated my locker, so decorated all four of them. Since the janitors don't take anything down unless it's on the wall above the lockers, I'm not touching the decorations. I wonder how long they'll stay up. Last year, I had a piece of gift wrap up for almost two months. Imagine, if you will, this large bright spot of colored paper and streamers in a green and white hallway. I'm giddy every time I stop for books.

The stress isn't even near gone- it's building and building, but I'm becoming kind of amused. The fact that I can still laugh, and am still pulling off A's (no matter how suspicious) in most of my classes is a good sign that I've decided to concentrate on. The quote for this entry has less than nothing to do with what I've been writing about (so, ya know, it's typical) From Vertical Horizon, "Everything You Want": He's everything you want, He's everything you need, He's everything inside of you, That you wish you could be. He says all the right things, At exactly the right time, But he means nothing to you, And you don't know why.... You're waiting for someone to put you together. You're waiting for someone to push you away. There's always another wound to discover. There's always something more you wish he'd say.