April 2, 2000

I completely missed March. Oh well. I just got back from Washington, D.C., but I suppose that's getting too far ahead of myself.

Fiddler on the Roof happened, and it was all great fun, as expected. We sang and danced and 'acted.' Tensions erupted during rehearsals, and were forgotten by opening night (well, at least suppressed). It was the last show for our wonderfully talented seniors, so there were some tears, but I mostly smiled. But that's over now, and I'm allowed to go home at normal hours for the rest of the year.

Here's something. For the last week of the play, we had rehearsals, essentially, up the ass. I was at school for more than 10 hours every day. Usually 12. And since it was the end of the quarter, all my classes were killing me with last-minute tests and projects. Lots of stress. Not that I'm complaining, cuz I handled it all almost perfectly. The thing that ruined me was the fact that I couldn't sing, and right after the play we had this honors recital for people like me who had gotten top ratings in this solo and ensemble contest we had had a few weeks earlier. I was physically unable to do my damn solo, though. It was relatively high, and I just couldn't muster the support and energy to get through the whole thing. I went home and sobbed for about two hours the day of the concert, and although my director let me off the hook when I got there (she said that since it's coming from me, she knows it must be true), I kinda broke down backstage as well. It just felt like a failure, and I was so terrified of someone coming up to me and telling me that they didn't believe me- that I could've sung the song. No one did, but I think it was because of the tears. And I never cry in public, so this burst of emotion was rather huge on my part.

I guess I just hate how people who are generally successful aren't allowed to fail. Whenever I do something that makes me resemble 'a normal person' (which is a direct quote from a moron I know), I get crap for it. Just because I care enough to try, I'm alienated from virtually everyone. The only reason I still care enough to try after three years of being set apart this way is because people who automatically do that to intelligence aren't worth being accepted by. Did that make any sense? I don't think it was correct English.

I was just emotionally breakable for the first half of this month, I suppose. I felt attacked from all sides, but my last week was definitely a repayment. But that's later (like in a few more sentences). Can I just say that I came through in flying colors? Kept every A, friendship, reputation (no matter how ignorant), etc. What does not kill me makes me stronger. I'm also pissier, though, and a touch more confident.

Now on to the greatest week ever. I went to Washington, D.C. I listened to seminars discussing the major issues going on in politics today. I met people from North Dakota, Nebraska, Kentucky, Massachusetts, and realized that life is unbelievably different around the country, and I'm basically a naive city girl. I discussed issues with these people, and participated in a global foreign affairs simulation that left me feeling semi-enlightened, in a way. For example, I was Austria. Because of Haider, the entire European Union has imposed complete trading sanctions on Austria until they get rid of the Freedom Party's influence over the Austrian government. Does the EU have the right to interfere with a country's sovereignty (Haider was elected democratically)? Considering the fact that Austria played a decisive role in the formation of EU, and it is a union, are they bound to uphold the beliefs of the organization, and should therefore hold another election? If this happens, then wouldn't this set the precedent that the EU gets to decide who can and cannot run the governments of its members, in a sense? Is that okay? I have my opinions, but I won't share them. It was only an example.

I met my senators, Richard Durbin and Peter Fitzgerald, Mayor of Chicago Richard Daley, Governor of Illinois George Ryan (which was weird, cuz I was in D.C.), and an aid of my Representative Bill Lipinski, because he was tied up in a vote. I saw debates on the Senate floor, debates and two votes in the House, Representatives' and Senators' office buildings, the White House, the Library of Congress, the Supreme Court building, and the Capitol building. I stood on the spot where Abraham Lincoln's desk was when he was a representative! in the room where John Marshall made rulings that established the roles of the judiciary system! in the room where JFK announced his presidency and where the McCarthy hearings were held! ten feet away from the door to the House floor! inside Ted Kennedy's office! I went to and participated in a debate over campaign finance reform that was televised on C-SPAN! Like my history teacher who took the group said, it was like a trip to Mecca.

Most importantly, it re-affirmed my convictions on going into politics as a career. It's an amazing rush, this realization that I know what I want to do with my life. I can't describe it, which is annoying when I encounter people who are disgusted in my passion for it. They just don't understand my desire to listen to and debate politics all day long. When Erin dragged me off to the mall to have me sit and watch people try on prom dresses because she was of the opinion that we needed a break, she didn't realize that I'm just getting started. Freakish and obsessive, maybe, but also passionate and exciting.

The terrible thing is that I'm grossly unprepared to debate politics the way I want to. I'm not educated to the extent that I want to be, my emotions aren't as controlled as I want them to be. I'm not as succinct and as confident as I should be. I need to make myself this way, and I will. This is even more exciting. Can you picture my grin? Can you relate to my giddiness? Has your heart ever burst with joy this way, over something that's not a person, or even a tangible thing- just a concept?

But I'll stop boring you. Here's something from Carol King, the album Tapestry, "Way Over Yonder": Way over yonder- that's where I'm bound... I know when I get there, the first thing I'll see... is the sun shinin' golden- shining right down on me.. then Trouble's gonna lose me- he'll leave me behind... and I'll stand up proudly, in true peace of mind... talkin' 'bout, talkin' 'bout-a- way over yonder...