May 13, 2000

It's been a while, but believe it or not, not a lot has happened. There were issues, but now they're gone. There was stress, but now it's been rejected and forgotten. This will be rather boring. Just a quick recap- There was a two-week issue that I was somewhat worried about- what does it mean to take a break, and what happens when that break seems to be slipping out of your control? I finally got over my Bill Bradley disappointments, and volunteered for Al Gore (Bradley! Bradley- he's our man! If he can't do it . . . Gore probably can.) Um, I kicked a significant amount of ass on my SAT. I was stupid and signed up for the SAT II on U.S. History. I got information from Harvard, which was cool because they don't offer a specific journalism major, hence I get to reject them. But then Brian ruined it by saying they were just teasing me in the hopes that I would apply and they would be able to reject me, hence they have a high percentage of rejected applicants. But he only got a 205 on his PSAT. And most recently, I "romped" on my U.S. History AP Exam (If I never hear the phrase "Bring it on!" again, it will be too soon)

Have you ever felt like completely starting over? Like, just scratching out parts of your life and replacing them with what you know now would have been a better way to go? Right now I want to call this big meeting of everyone I know and take back a lot of aspects of me. I'd just outline every supposed mistake I've made for the past three years and say "Never mind," and replace them all with the supposedly more acceptable plans of action. "Better than thou" theories never really tend to work, no matter how possibly morally "correct" and self- fulfilling they might be. There's always a period of severe doubt, where this sense of "oops" just rushes over you and you're convinced that you really are what people say and you really should be something else in order to become what everyone else seems to be.

On that note, I'm not going to prom.

I've possibly had a few other entries relating to self-doubt (I'm not sure, I don't know if I ever really posted them). Essentially, it all boils down to the fact that I'm convinced that I made a mistake somewhere along the line. I made one too many jokes, I got one too many A's, I got mad at one too many twerps, I was shy one too many times. But, whatever. Because it's not like I specifically regret anything, right? I'm proud of myself (that's a fault), and I'm not really planning on doing anything different (which might also be a fault).

My mom gets mad at me when I come home and explain to her how I'm probably not as smart as the others- how I work my ass off to do what I do, and yet I see everyone around me doing significantly less and getting better or equal results. She tells me I'm not really seeing what I'm doing correctly, and maybe she's right. But maybe not. Maybe it's all different, and it's all been a lie.

There's no way to talk about this stuff without coming off as cocky, so here goes. When you go your entire life with tests claiming you're at the top1 percentile of children your age in the nation, with teachers exclaiming over your talent, with report cards always a straight line of A's, and parents and yourself expecting to get this and more for the rest of your acedemic career, all these things become common-place and average. Doesn't everyone get those results? What makes me so special? Why would people want to give me scholarships, why would highly-selective schools want to accept me? The people that get that stuff are special- how am I special? Grades? What, doesn't everyone get that?

And I know the answers to those questions. And I hear and see the anger they create in people who in fact don't get what I get- they think I have a "superiority complex" or something. But I'm serious. I honestly don't know why a college would want me. I've never known anything but A's and top scores- it's ignorance, not vanity. They have a whole slew of smart kids to pick from, and I'd bet I could find a way that each of those kids are better than me. I don't know- I suppose this is just a sudden rush of nasty insecurity, but it's been building. None of the above was a new thought.

If you've read the book, you'll be scrinching your nose at the screen in the next few lines, but I almost feel like something out of Reviving Ophelia, that book about how experiences during their teenage girls pychologically hurts girls and they feel they must conform to society and lose themselves in the process. Remember, I have a slight dramatic flare at times. But, no, it's somewhat of a stretch, because I am a drastically normal, average girl, who doesn't have the kinds of problems the girls in the book did. I still don't exactly conform to society- my experiences aren't really working on me.

Here's the point: Last year, I was on this huge feminism kick. I didn't care what people thought; if they misinterpreted my beliefs and/or bashed them, it wasn't my problem that they were just another one of the ignorant masses out there supporting the degredation of women in today's society. This year, it's less new, and hence the kick is pretty much gone. My thoughts and their ultimate rejection from almost everyone in my life except my parents and some close friends are givens- I know they're there, and I just don't feel the need to fight for 'em anymore, so it's less of an issue. I'm not throwing myself out there anymore, and it's just not exciting. And, recently, I'm completely backing off. I took all the feminist pins off my backpack (ya know- "This is what a feminist looks like," "What Would Xena Do?" "Ladies sewing circle and terrorist society"), cuz they were misinterpreted ("a feminist is a pink button?" argh!), and I just didn't want to put myself in that semi-controversial role anymore. I didn't want people to look at me and think feminist anymore. My inner voice is screaming at me, but I've rationalized it. Talking about it here, I'm getting mad at myself. It doesn't make any sense. I feel like I understand why girls occassionally let themselves come off as bumbling idiots with no passion for anything but beauty products and guys, and the smallest fraction of me (tiny- smaller than the nail on my pinky toe, but with a surprisingly loud voice), wants to try that strategy for a while. God, I want to hang my head in shame.

Conclusion? Ha! As if I'm going to give up intellectualism and feelings of self- worth and let myself be one-upped by someone less intelligent than me just for a chance to wear a beautiful pink dress and uncomfortable shoes. It's not going to happen, and I'm not concerned. I'm just bothered about myself and my school and my future and just about everything in general. You know, last year people claimed that I had finally developed a spine, but perhaps I just spent the year being too pissed off at the world for anyone to tell the difference. But I definitely gotta me one of those.

Hey! Everyone needs to go out and get this CD by Shannon Curfman-"Loud Guitars, Big Suspicions". She's 14, and she is absolutely stellar! There are no flaws, and she's only going to get better. Ironically, her song "Never Enough" is somewhat relevant and absolutely perfect for this entry. Never enough, forever unsatisfied Missing a piece of my soul Never enough, forever unanswered Like a prayer that never gets told Fall away troubles, dreams and desires And let me escape from myself If I'd never asked for what I could not have I could live just like everyone else