November 4, 2000

"Here's the plan: I'll end this now, but I'll be back this weekend to bitch about this one thing that I just can't get over." That's from October 10. I'm such a liar/procrastinator/idealist. It's rather disgusting. I can't even remember what I wanted to bitch about, which is actually exciting, because I suppose it means that I'm over it. Unless I wanted to talk about the way I ignore my own personal interests (such as this web site) in order to excel academically, which is more business than pleasure at this point. If that's what it is, well, yeah, there's always that.

Gosh, so much has happened. Where to start? This is one of those entries where the order of topics might matter. I want to be able to say everything at once. Pretend I do.

We'll start with politics, because there is just no ignoring it anymore. I have quite the political bug, I think, and the epiphanies I've been having since Thursday are amazing. As I rally and volunteer and canvass, I continually shock myself with the realization that "one day I'll be doing this, officially." Tuesday, November 7 will be the end of this excitement for me, basically (and by the bye: if you live in the U.S.A. and are 18 or older, VOTE!!!!), but one day the rush I'm feeling right now will be the daily buzz of going to work. Hot damn.

On Thursday, I went to this huge rally for Al Gore in Chicago. Gore himself was there, as well as John Cusack, Stevie Wonder, and Hootie and the Blowfish were there. Also, all the big Illinois democrats- aldermen, Jesse Jackson... other people I couldn't see over the crowd. They were fun and wonderful and great (for example: John riled up the crowd before introducing the music acts, and at one point he yelled *paraphrase alert* "Bush wants to give me more money, but I don't need it!" I wanted to hug him, he's so perfect!), and the atmosphere of finally being in the presence of more than ten democrats (since I come from a tragically republican community) was exhilarating ("I'm not alone!"). And Al Gore is amazing. He wasn't as blunt as Cusack, obviously, but he inspired the same excitement. I'm no longer supporting Gore because he is the lesser of two evils (which he still is...), but also because I think he could do a good job. He wouldn't be a huge reformer; the country would stay virtually the same, I'd guess. He's definitely not FDR. He's simply much, much less evil than our country's alternative. And I hope the majority realizes this.

The other day, someone said that politics didn't matter. A poll by MTV said that only a third of people 18-24 were planning on voting. Oh so many people at school have no idea what's going on. People! Come on! This is so important, and that is not even my biased opinion. If it was, then I'd be advocating volunteering and be totally active in everything, but I know that's not going to happen. I just want people to educate themselves about the candidates, and form their own opinions, and then go out and vote, no matter who they happen to pick in the end. I hate the apathy- don't they realize that we get to choose who represents us? And that that does matter? It's just too frustrating.

Another thing I did: I'm a member of Generation Net, and we're trying to get congressional candidates to sign this pledge for campaign finance reform. So I spent three weeks calling these two campaign offices in the biggest congressional race in the state of Illinois, and faxing and emailing them. I received no response. It still felt great to feel active, but here's my rant. Now, I understand that I'm just a teenager, and it is pretty close to election day, and they have other voters to target, and since they've already endorsed campaign finance reform, maybe signing this pledge that not everyone knows about isn't on the top of their agendas, but... 1) why couldn't they have told me that, instead of leading me on or blowing me off every time I called? and 2) they bitch and bitch about the way the youth are politically apathetic, and when they are presented with this youth political organization, and they blow it off. Makes a girl want to become an engineer, ya know?

I finally made it to a college last week. I participated in this big overnight program at my top choice university, and was relieved to find out that my mental image of the place was all that and more. I can actually see myself going to college now, and having fun there. Being successful in the midst of a beautiful campus with other amazing people, some of whom are my friends. I'm too happy for words, but now I'm suddenly nervous beyond words too. I never doubted my ability to get accepted to these colleges until last week. Now I'm convinced that I'm going to be rejected by all of them. So why am I updating my seeds of thought instead of writing my application essays? Argh!

In my school, we have this Student of the Month award for students in each grade who are nominated by teachers every month for being especially... good, or something. I don't know the specifics of any of it, but I get it every year. This year was no exception, and they announced the winners last week. The class they announced them in happened to be one in which the teacher was gone, and we were watching this video, with the option of doing other homework instead of paying attention to it. The video wasn't the most exciting educational documentary ever, so I decided to put my head down and "listen to it." By the time my name was coming over the intercom for winning this damn thing, I was fast asleep. My friends had to tell me I had gotten it again. Quite appropriate behavior for a "Student of the Month," I thought.

Our football team is in the finals, which is highly irregular. It's also kind of annoying, because now I have to put effort into showing my school spirit. I went to an away game last night. Then again, they won, and it was really exciting when I could understand what was going on. The only bad thing about last night was something I can't explain with words. Our school band came with the rest of our fans, and they brought their instruments and everything. But when they got to the game, they refused to play, saying they only came as a band so they could get in free. Argh! But that's all I can say, because I don't know what the word for that kind of deceit is. Do you?

Loss is a very powerful thing. It changes everything around you- the way you view your surroundings, the people in your life, and even yourself. Sometimes you may not like what you see there. It makes me scrinch my forehead, and three days ago it made me cry. It will be forever burned into my memory. Then again, how could I forget? I don't know how to talk about it more specifically, though, because my mind tells me I risk sounding pitiful, heartless, or simply way too personal. So I won't.

I've read that Revolver is the best Beatles album. Tonight I agree, although tomorrow I might give a pretty convincing argument for the White Album. I'll quickly quote from "She Said She Said," because in a very figurative sense it reflects this thing that I feel every once in a while: She said I know what it's like to be dead / I know what it is to be sad / And she's making me feel like I've never been born // I said who put all the things in your head / Things that make me feel that I'm mad / And you're making me feel like I've never been born // I said even though you know what you know / I know that I'm ready to leave / 'Cause you're making me feel like I've never been born