shevette's book!
Book #2 of three
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shevette's book!Book #2 of three
CHAPTER 5 |
Sometime during the night I had gone back to bed. I had fought off sleep for fear that I would die before I woke. If I died then there would be no more of me. I had no soul. It would be as if I was never born and a whole world would go on not caring. I wasn't real. Finally I was overcome and succumbed to sleep.
I woke to the sound of my alarm clock. For a moment I was happy to be alive. I had survived the night! Then I knew I would have that night to face. Every time I was blessed by waking up I would also be cursed by the need to go back to sleep. I remembered reading about some man that had gone through life cursing his own need to sleep. I guess he did this until he died. Why must people die? Why must people like me who have no soul so they may pass onto the other life be born. Oh, should I say that? Will I be punished for thinking like that? Who cared? No one!
I got up and fixed myself up enough so that I looked sort of like I was supposed to. There were bags under my eyes and dark circles half-way around them. I knew I had to get out of there before anyone saw me. They would know what I had done. What would they do? What had they been doing? What was it? Was the state paying them so much until I was old enough to be put to work? That had to be my only purpose in life. I was a biological machine. A robot. An automaton--without a soul!
I managed to leave the house unseen. It was still very early. The suns were shinning down from a perfect white sky. I could make out where the suns had emerged above the horizon to the east. Soon they would be far enough above the horizon to make it impossible to tell which way was east--or west for that matter. I wondered what they really looked like. In the thousand plus years that Seco had been colonized nearly all space exploration had stopped.
What did it matter? We are a "tempest in a teapot" Shakespeare had said. What did that matter--he was just as dead. His whole world was probably dead. Earth had been killing itself for years before it had sent the colonies to Alpha Centuri. What did it matter? Why had I been given life? Why was I allowed to know that I did not have a soul, that passport to the great beyond. How cruel! It would have been better to not know!
Would it?
If there was one thing I prized above all others in my life it was my brain. It held my ability to think, to percieve, to make sense of the world arround me. If it were to die what good would that do? No! It could not be! I wasn't the center of the universe but I had been given the ability to know that I am alive and to let me know in advance that that would end was mean! It was impossible for me to believe that it could come to pass. It couldn't be! I had to have a soul!
I remembered how I had always looked to others for how I was suposed to feel about things. They always seemed to know and I didn't. Was that the difference a soul made? What a crock!
No! I could not accept it! I wanted to be real! I had thought I was real the day before, why couldn't things go back the way they were? If only I hadn't read the book! Wait! That was the answer! The book! I hadn't read all of it--I needed to go back to the house and read it all. I was probily mis-leading myself. That had to be it. It made sense. If I were really a clone baby I wouldn't feel this way. You could probily tell someone who was a clone baby that that was what they were and it wouldn't even bother them. Yeh, if I were really a clone baby I wouldn't even be worried.
Comforted I started back to the house. I'd get that book and find where that Jennifer woman wasn't my real mother after all. My real dad might have had me by anothe marrage or there could be a hundred different reasons why I wasn't a clone baby. I was begining to feel like my old self.
I remembered Mary Murphy for a moment and put the thought from my mind. She had just looked like she had feelings. They hadn't been like mine. She had just been acting like she thought a real person would act. It was silly.
***
I hid in the back yard until I saw mom leave in her car. It was still early. She had probably found that I was gone and assumed that I had left early to go to school. Hopefully she had just looked into my room long enough to establish that I was gone. My hand held was still on my desk but she might not have noticed that.
I used my key and went in. I showered, put on my make up, got dressed, got my things, and left in record time. I was tempted to drive my car to school so I could get there quicker. I decided against it. I'd catch too much flak later.
I covered the six blocks to school quickly. I was lucky enough to arrive between classes so my teacher didn't know I had skipped my first two classes. Unfortunately Bobby knew. He almost blew my cover at the start of class before I could get him to shut up.
When he finally figured it out that I wanted him to be quiet and he gave me a wink, like I owed him something. I knew boys. If you just act like you are interested it does them the same amount of good as if you really were interested. Just nicely walk away from them at the proper time. If he, whoever he might be, isn't satisfied then he'll just make up a story. Most of them are smart enough to make one up that compliments you enough so you won't deny it.
After class Bobby beat a path straight to me.
"Hey gorgeous, what happened to you this morning?"
"I slept late." I lied.
"Well, you had better talk to Mr. Frank if you don't want him to tell your folks."
"I will, thanks."
"No biggie, see ya'."
"Later." I told him.
***
I kept waiting for a chance to read some more from the book to redeem myself--and my soul! My next class was chemistry so I didn't get a chance to read any. Finally it was lunch time. I found a quiet spot outside that was shaded and began putting my speed reading to the test. The book was incredibly long and I had barely put a dent in it when I heard the bell to resume classes ring. I pretended not to hear it. I had to find out how I wasn't a clone baby.
At the end of the day I was still reading. This Jennifer person was quite a character. She kept getting into more and more trouble. She wrote the book like this was all the things that happened to her on the way to Seco. I couldn't believe half of it. At one point there were three people trying to commandeer the ship they were on. It was ridiculous! I wished I had had the time to read it to enjoy it. It might have been good.
It was way down in the last chapters where she admits to accepting cloned body parts for the purpose of having children. There was no mention if Jerry Phelps had any children on board. The only ray of hope I could find was at the very end when she said she was pregnant with a boy.
One thing that stuck out was my name in the book. There was this doctor who gave her the baby-making operation whose name was Sue and there was another person called Ann who was some kind of friend to Jennifer. Still it wasn't proof positive that I had come from Jennifer. I had to talk to the folks. This not knowing was miserable.
I wanted to ask and I was afraid to ask. I had to know, wouldn't you? I decided to ask dad. He and I had always been closer together than mom and me. Daughters always get along better with dads than moms. I felt a little shaky about what they had told me two nights before about being adopted in the first place but this gnawing at me like it would never stop. I had to get back to normalcy.
***
That night things were on edge the moment I got home. Mom knew I had missed most of my classes and wanted to know what had happened. When I wouldn't talk to her she was sure it had something to do with the car and how I had suddenly become so independent. It really hurt me to listen to some of her accusations. I was fighting for my life, no my soul, and she wanted to worry about school or the car or some such shit. It hurt and it made me mad.
After super mom made Shela go do her homework while we had a conference with dad. He was amazed to learn what I had done. I kept quiet. I told them that I wanted to talk to dad--alone. Mom got red in the face. I tried my best to explain to her that I wasn't trying to slight her. She still left in a huff, at dad's request.
"All right young lady, what is the problem?"
"Promise you won't be mad, ok?"
"It depends, tell me what could possibly keep you from going to classes, and where were you this morning?"
"Don't worry dad, I haven't done anything wrong..."
"You don't call skipping classes wrong?"
"Yes, but I had to do that."
"Why? Quite beating around the bush!"
"I'm trying to. I di-"
"Don't be fresh!"
"I'm not! Please..."
"Well, tell it!"
"Dad...dad I'm dying here..."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Help me dad. I can barely get this out. please don't make it worse..."
"Ok, I'm sorry. I'm upset--and concerned about you. You don't do things like this. What is it? Is it the car?"
"Dad you're not helping...." I waited a moment for him to see that I was trying to come to the point. "Thank you. You know that I love you and mom and I usually try to do what's right." I paused. Dad waited for me to continue. "I did something that I know that you didn't want me to...and I'm sorry. It's hurting me more than I thought anything in the world could hurt me. I was stupid. I should have listened. Please help me."
"Sure peaches, what's the problem?" he was speaking softly now.
I went to him and knelt beside his chair. I was too big for his lap anymore. I was a grown woman. How I wished I wasn't and he could still make my troubles go away.
"Dad, is Jennifer Transor Phelps and Jerry Wayne Phelps my real mom and dad?"
He rolled his eyes to the cieling as if looking for a way out. He rested his hand on his forehead. He looked worried. I began to cry.
"Why do you want to know? That all happened a long time ago..."
"Tell me daddy."
"Yes, they were your real parrents."
I had expected that answer yet it still took me by surprise. I stopped crying and sucked in a mouthful of air. I stared at the man I had called father all my life.
"Then I'm a..a.a clone baby?"
"Yes, technically you are."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean why do you care?" he asked angerily. "It means nothing!"
"It means I don't have a soul." I said blankly. All emotion had left me.
"Sure you do! How can you believe otherwise?"
"That's what everyone says..."
"It's not true. It means nothing."
"Oh? And if I told everyone at school tomorrow it wouldn't change a thing?"
"They don't know if you have a soul or not. Don't pay any attention to them, heavens to Betsy! All your life you've been afraid to voice your own opinion! Why can't you decide on your own what is right and what is wrong. You have always followed the crowd. The crowd won't help you now, peaches. You are going to have to decide for yourself if you have a soul or not!"
"I only know what I know dad. I kow that clone babys don't have a soul and I am a clone baby!"
"Don't use those words in this house! You are a normal, lovely, young woman and I don't care what anyone says you are just as good as the next person--better! You have your whole life in front of you. Why do you want to get hung up on things in the past? Things that don't even concern you."
"It does no good to hide from the facts dad. I feel better now. Knowing for sure what I am explains a lot of things. I can deal with it now. I know what the problem is."
"Ok honey, that's better. Maybe your real mom and dad didn't have real parts but you are. You are the top of the line. I've always been proud of you."
"Proud knowing what I am in spite of not being real?"
"No! Not like that! Quit trying to run yourself down! How many times must I tell you that you are just as good as anyone?"
"I have no soul, dad. Face it!"
"Who does have a soul? Have you ever seen one?"
"Don't talk silly."
"Me? You are the one being silly! What makes you think that you know if you have a soul or not?"
"I don't have to know. Every one tells me."
"No, not everyone! Just those stupid know-it-all punks you see at school! They weren't born with super human powers! They are just as dumb and just as smart as you are! You have a mind of your own! Use it! Use it now. Don't let this soul thing make you do something that you'll regret the rest of your life."
"I need time to think dad. This has hurt me quite a bit. Can I go to my room now. I don't feel well."
"Ok, but you've got to promise me something....you won't do anything foolish!"
"I promise."
"I love you peaches. I really do!"
"Thanks dad."
I went to my room. Things were going to have to change. What was it I had told Mary Murphy? Something about living your life to the fullest because you know there is nothing waiting for you when you die? Something like that. I didn't have to pretend to feel the same as the other people anymore. I was different and I knew it. I could act anyway I wanted to. It was my right. I hadn't asked to be born. The world owed me something and I was gonna collect!
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