I guess Mike and I talked for two or three hours. I liked Mike but the things he was telling me made my skin crawl. He was saying the CBs needed to do something aggressive to help themselves. Y'know, if you keep letting someone beat you up then they think it's alright and they keep on doing it, until you punch 'em in the nose.
When I thought I was a dweeb I had thought it was ok to put down CBs. When I had first found out I was a CB I still thought it was alright for dweebs to put CBs and even put me down. After awhile I got tired of it. They wouldn't leave me alone. That's all I wanted. I finally began to feel better and better about myself until I came to the conclusion that nobody had a right to run all over me. I knew I wasn't quite as good as a dweeb, all jokes aside, but they still shouldn't abuse me. I was self aware. I had feelings too, maybe not like they had but they could still hurt me. I'm going to maim some Shakespeare.
A rose is a rose.
Would a rose by any other name not smell so sweet?
When you prick me, do I not bleed?
I only heard it once, so sue me!
I don't know, if the dweeb's feelings were so much better than my CB feelings then why did they let people live in old busses or cardboard boxes or some cracker box like I had been living in or the even smaller and nastier place I would have to move to to be with Sid? Wasn't there enough to go around? Couldn't the dweebs share a little bit more of the wealth?
That's the way I felt, we CBs should do something,like get active in politics. Mike, on the other hand, evidently felt that the CBs should revolt. What kind of a world had I been born into? Revolt! Are you putting me on? There were actually people that felt that some kind of overthrow was what was needed.
All I wanted was for the cops to leave me alone. I could have a perfectly wonderful life just loving Sid. That's what all I wanted. If we got pushed around some then ok, we'd deal with it. What good would it do us to try some kind of a takeover? People get killed that way! I didn't want any part of that.
Mike was making me uneasy. On one side I was inspired by some of his feelings about what CBs should expect out of life and on the other side I was appalled by the methods he thought we CBs should use to take power and what we should do with it. Don't get me wrong, Mike wasn't some foaming at the mouth crusader, he just had ideas that were much more...aggressive than mine. He was advocating some kind of a takeover but not necessarily by force--unless there was no other way. Well, something like that. Mike could see where force might be called for, probably. I didn't like thinking about it.
I was about to leave when Sid showed up. He was really drunk. It's a wonder the police hadn't picked him up. Mike had some detox and I fed it to Sid until he began acting like he had some sense.
"I found Dick." Sid told me. "He was really feeling down. I told him that he was going to have to find a place of his own to live. He thinks I am abandoning him, Cookie."
"Sid, I know it's going to be hard on him for awhile. I can understand how he might feel we are pushing him out of the door, especially me. I like him but I don't think it would work out with the three of us all trying to live in one apartment."
"Well, I don't know what I can tell him."
"Why can't he stay in the bus, Sid?"
"Because I took all our stuff with me."
"Well you can put his stuff back can't you?"
"I suppose I could, but he wouldn't have enough. Besides I don't think it would be a good idea for him to try to live in the bus by himself. It'd be too dangerous."
"Wasn't it just as dangerous when you were living in the bus?"
"No Cookie, there were two of us then. We could watch each other's back. Now he will be on his own."
"Can't he find a place to move to?"
"Not right away. It'll take some time. Dick doesn't have any money."
"What about his welfare payments? How much does he get?"
"Not much. I don't know if he will be able to find someplace cheap enough for him to afford. We've got to let him stay with us for awhile so he can get on his feet."
"Not too long Sid. It sounds to me like it might be a long time. I can see giving him...two weeks..tops."
"That would be good."
"Ok, say we give him two weeks and he still can't find something then what do we do?"
"I don't know. He'll find something by then. If he can't then we'll just have to give him more time. I won't just turn him out on the street!"
"I don't want you to, Sid. If he's been really trying I don't see anything wrong with helping him a little longer. I don't mind helping someone as long as they are trying to do ther best. I like Dick. He's nice. If our place was bigger he could maybe stay with us. I might not really mind. The problem is our place is tiny. If Dick stays with us for two weeks we'll be ready to kill each other. I don't think it would work for much longer than that. Fair enough?"
"Ok Cookie. I'll tell him. Thanks."
"I'm not doing this for you Sid. I'm doing this for him, understand?"
"I think so..."
"This way I get two men. When I wear you out I'll have a spare!" I laughed.
Sid grabbed me and started tickling me without mercy. At last! That's how I could always be sure things were alright with Sid--when he wanted to play. We went home and...played for awhile.
***
Sid and I were getting ready to go back to the bar when Dick showed up. He looked so pathetic.
I tried to put myself in his shoes. What would it be like if I had some girlfriend and we were close and had been living in an old abandoned bus trying to make ends meet. What if after years of being together she shows up with a guy and tells me she's moving out. I sure wouldn't be able to stay in the bus by myself (I was having a hard time imagining living in a bus even if I did have someone there so we could protect each other). I might have a small tendency to want to stay with my girlfriend and her guy, but what if there was nowhere else for me to go? I'd feel lost. That had to be what Dick was feeling. He probably felt resentment towards me for taking his home away from him.
I vowed to myself to try to make it up to Dick. I made an extra effort to endear myself to him. He was responsive in a shy kind of a way. Don't get me wrong. I was feeling more than sympathy towards Dick. I still remembered that morning in Toni's garage when I had first met him. There had been an easy feeling of comradeship then. I had been impressed by the bond between Toni, Sid, and Dick. I wanted to keep that alive. I wanted to be a part of it--just as much as Dick wanted to be a part of Sid and me.
Whew! I never saw the connection between Dick and myself quite like that before. Dick was knocking on the front door hoping Sid and I would let him in just as I was knocking on the back door hoping Sid and Dick would let me in. Kinda.
We were all at the bar. Sid was on stage playing like there was no tomorrow and Dick and I were at a table drinking gas waters that Mike was bringing us for free. Mike was tickled to see Dick in the bar during business hours. He told me that was very rare for Dick.
Dick and I were shouting in each other's ear trying to get to know the other better. It was awkward. We both wanted to be friends without being too good of friends. Neither of us wanted to offend Sid or cause him to be jealous. It was kinda weird. We had both teased Sid by acting like we were lovers while being extremely careful to not really act too serious while trying to learn to be really good friends. That's what we both knew we would have to be--really good friends. We would not be able to just be causal friends. Sid was what had brought Dick and I together and we both had strong feelings about Sid.
I'm going on and on here. What I'm trying to say is Dick and I knew we would be important in each other's lives because of Sid. We would be friends on our best behavior because of Sid. The alternative was to be enemies. Either way we would interact with each other strongly. We would not be sorta friends or sorta enemies--we'd be FRIENDS or ENEMIES! Big time!
One last point, I was not attracted to Dick. If it hadn't been for Sid I probably would have bothered to get to know Dick. Out on the street I would have just passed by him--not that there was something wrong with him. No, take that back. He was...grungy-looking No! Make that dull. No, make it a half-step out of sync (maybe only a quarter step). It's still hard for me to quantify my feelings for Dick at that point. Surprisingly, to me, Dick was an interesting guy to know. Once we began to open up to each other he turned into a chatterbox on me. I enjoyed listening to his views.
Dick's interest was cars. He was so interested in cars that he had foregone most of life's other pleasures to spend time with cars. He knew everything about them. He bragged on himself some and I encouraged him to do so. It was strange, Dick was a CB and shouldn't of had almost no hope of ever owning a car yet there he was excitedly telling me all about the times he had ridden in a car and had snuck in a short drive. I almost felt guilty about having had my own car. I laughed to myself over how I had taken it for granted that I would always have one.
Sid joined us during his first break. I held his hand and gave him a sweet kiss. Dick was really wound up telling both of us about this part on a car or that thing about a car. I remember Sid winking at me and saying something about how Dick and I were hitting it off pretty good.
Sid wanted me to feel as good about Dick as he did so that the three of us would be able to get along living together. I wasn't too worried about that--after two weeks of being around each other Sid would be just as anxious to help Dick find someplace as to live as I was sure I would be. Come to think of it, Dick would probably be itching to get out too.
Sid and I kept making eyes at each other and Dick noticed after awhile and excused himself to the rest rooms. He was a sweet guy. I told Sid he had been knocking me out with what he had been doing on his board. Sid told me I was knocking him out dressed the way I was. I laughed and put my hand on his thigh. Sid jumped and I laughed some more. It felt very good to be with my man. I was glad I was alive.
***
Dick rejoined me after Sid's break was over. I thanked him with a peck on the cheek for letting Sid and I talk alone. Dick told me he had found a friend of his and would be spending the night with him so Sid and I could have the apartment to ourselves. I told him that he didn't have to do that unless he wanted to. Dick said I worked all week long and should have some extra time with Sid on the weekends and besides he wanted to see this other guy anyway. I let the matter drop. It would be good to have Sid all to myself but I knew we would probably be too tired and maybe too drunk to fool around much at all. The real blessing would be I wouldn't have to worry about exposing myself to Dick while getting a shower or dressing for bed or whatever. I didn't mind what Sid saw, we were lovers, we were in love.
***
By the time Dick came in the next day Sid was gone trying to find someone to fix some part on his percussion board. I had gone to the store (a three block ride on the bus) and gotten some stuff to clean up the apartment. When Dick showed up I put him right to work. We scrubbed and painted until we had the place looking like someplace a human might want to stay in. Dick did pretty much everything I asked him to do but he talked me into letting him paint one wall in the main room medium green, another wall a medium blue, the ceiling a light green/blue and the remaining two walls white. It looked...different. Naw, it was kinda nice. I think if the room had been a little bit bigger it would have looked fine. Dick told me he had seen some room painted like that in a magazine. I applauded his effort. Really, that room wouldn't have looked good if it had been painted with diamond dust. It was just so small.
I was getting hungry so I fixed Dick and myself some sandwiches and some peach drink I had found in the store. I wished I could have found some peaches. I think the last time I had had any was when I was still living with my adopted parents.
I was still debating if I was going to let Mr. Tegor know I had moved or not. He would be concerned. I hadn't decided what to do. I was thinking that if he came by and saw me before I moved I would give him my new address otherwise I would just drop out of sight. If I made good of myself in the years ahead I would contact him and we could see each other if he wanted to.
Dick told me some jokes and gave me some more facts about cars. I wasn't interested that much in what he had to say. I listened politely while Dick was discussing the various merits of the Furg Sonteese, which is some car they quit making a couple of years previous. It was more interesting to watch him talk than it was to listen to what he had to say. He was enjoying himself and that made me feel good. He was about to begin a monolog about the hover car the police use when I decided I needed to get out of there for awhile. I wanted to get some items for the bathroom. I interrupted Dick and told him I needed to go to the store and excused myself. Dick asked if it would be alright if he took a nap and I told him that of course he could do as he wanted, he was in his own home.
I was still chuckling to myself about one of the jokes Dick had told me later while I was standing at the bus stop waiting for a bus. It made me happy to have Dick that talkative around me. Dick was a case! If he didn't find a place of his own in two weeks I wouldn't complain too much, as long as Sid and I had some privacy for our moments.
I was deep in happy thoughts of my new home when I felt someone tapping me on my shoulder. I turned around and saw a cop! I couldn't believe it! It was the same one as before. I took a step backwards and slipped off the curb. I was about to fall when this cop reached out and grabbed me.
"Whoa, I didn't mean to startle you. You ok?"
"Y..yes officer. Thanks for catching me."
"It was my fault. I should have made a noise or something. I'm sorry, I guess I'm used to slipping up behind people."
"Was I doing something wrong, officer?"
"No. What was your name?"
I started to tell him Sue Ann Tegor but before I could he remembered what Mike had called me.
"Cookie...that was it. Wasn't it?"
"Yes officer." I agreed. I didn't want to tell him anymore than I had to. Come to think of it that was how I got handcuffed the last time. "Um, Sue Ann Tegor, I mean."
"Why'd Mike call you Cookie."
"That came from my boyfriend. He calls me 'Cookie Thief'."
"'Thief'? Why does your boyfriend call you a thief?"
"Um, it's just a nickname. He thought I was eating too many of his cookies once. It was a joke. Then Mike came along and thought that was what I was called and the name stuck. I haven't been trying to misrepresent myself."
"Take it easy. I'm not trying to arrest you. I just wanted to talk to you. Relax."
"I wish I could...officer. It's the uniform. What'd you want to talk about?"
"You."
"Me?"
"Yea, I try to know most of the people on my beat. I hear I'll be seeing some more of you. Mike tells me you are going to start work as a waitress for him."
"That's right."
"Where will you be staying Cookie?"
I pointed to the building Sid and Dick and I would be staying in. We were standing nearly in front of it.
"Yea, I know the place. Look out for the drunk that lives in the back on the first floor. He's bad news when he's lit. It took three of us to arrest him the last time. He's alright when he's sober. Who's your boyfriend?"
"Do I have to answer all this stuff?"
"Not if you don't want to. I just want to get to know you. I try to be friends with as many people on my beat as I can. I'll leave you alone if you want..."
"I don't know, Ralph--it's ok if I call you that, isn't it?"
"Sure, as long as we're just talking. If I ever have to come for you you had better call me 'officer', ok?"
"Ok."
"I notice you're not leaving, Cookie."
"No I'm not, I'm waiting for a bus." I said with a little more sarcasm than I wanted to.
"Is that the only reason you're still here?"
"What do you mean? You're not trying to hit on me, are you?"
"Not really. I just want to get a feel for what kind of a person you are. I can tell you are educated already--you speak in complete sentences. That's sort of rare around here."
"You just want to talk?"
"Yep."
"I'll tell you the absolute truth, Ralph. I'd like to be able to talk to a cop. I'm confused. A few years ago I used to look up to the police then every time I turned around I was arrested for something I didn't do. Can you tell me what the deal is?"
"No."
"I'm not trying to put you down, Ralph, but I'd love to be able to trust the police again but how can I when they keep don't treat me right?"
"Well, that's what I'm trying to do now. I'm trying to get to know you and give you a chance to know me. I don't know what kind of trouble you've gotten into in the past. If you weren't treated fairly then you need to take it to court."
"That wouldn't do me any good. You know that. Look, it's like this, Ralph, the police come down here and harass us poor CBs to death. You know that. Why don't they leave us alone!"
"Do you want me to leave now, Cookie?"
"No. All I really want you to do is talk to me like we were equal. I'm standing here burning up on the inside trying to understand cops and at the same time I'm scared to death that I'll say something that will get me locked up."
"Don't be. I promise you can say anything to me right now and I won't arrest you--don't tell me that you just killed someone or anything like that." Ralph kind of laughed to himself on that.
He was bending over backwards to try to let me know that he just wanted to talk. I didn't feel like he was trying to get a date or some kind of a cheap thrill. The impression I was beginning to get was that Ralph cared very much about his job. Not in keeping his job, but in doing his job--the way it should be done. Like he felt that he was there to help us. He had probably been feed all that shit about us CBs being a high-crime rate faction and he probably believed that to some degree. What made Ralph different was he was trying to learn. He had been told what to believe but he still wanted to check to be sure--on a one to one basis.
He was still explaining to me that I didn't have to worry about what I was saying to him..."What I mean is if you just swiped your boyfriend's cash or something like that and tell me I'll try to forget it--today. You tell me the same thing tomorrow and if you deserve it you will be going downtown. Got it?"
"Yea, I got it Ralph, that's today--you tell me the same thing tomorrow and you might be going downtown." I laughed to let him know it was a joke and he laughed with me. I could feel a loosening of the tension I felt around cops."I think I like you Ralph, today." and we laughed again. We were both still a little tense but it was getting better. I saw a bus pull up and stop for me. I didn't get on. The driver looked at me expectantly and I waived him on to let him know I wouldn't be riding with him. He closed the doors and pulled the bus away from the curb. He was displeased that I had made him stop for me. Maybe he thought I was playing games with him or something.
"Why didn't you get on?" Ralph asked me.
"I think what we are doing here is more important. I need to talk to you."
"What about Cookie?"
"It's not about anything. I just need to believe that you are human like me. Excuse me, I mean I know I'm a CB and you're not and everything. What I mean is we are both people. Every time I see a cop he's trying to find something I did wrong and send me to jail for it. I don't think that's what cops are supposed to do. To me a cop is someone you can count on to help you. Someone to help. To me that uniform should mean the person wearing it is certified honest, helpful, friendly, ect."
"I know. That's what you want. Since we are being so out front here I'll tell you what it means to a cop when he's confronted with someone wearing a lot of black like you. That's ther 'uniform'. To me it means they are suspicious of me. They think I'm out to get them and they want to either run away from me or hurt me. It means the person in black is in a group of people who has a crime rate ten times higher than the other side of town. 99.9% of all murders in this town are done on this side of Tower city. Nearly all assaults on police officers are done on this side. Since I have been with the force I have seen a dozen good men in this uniform die at the hands of CBs. Senseless deaths. Men killed by the people they swore to protect." Ralph was getting a little mad.
"I know. I've seen it on the video and I won't defend those people who have done violence. Violence begets violence." I admitted.
"I'm sorry, Cookie. I didn't mean to get upset. You know as well as I do that the problem is on both sides. There are bad cops just like there are bad CBs. Around here it's almost martial law. The CBs and us are at war. We fight everyday."
"Yes we do and it's a shame. Down deep we both want the same thing--to be left alone."
"Right! I saw a video one time, they called it 'life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness'. I think that's what we all want."
"I like that Ralph. I'll have to remember that."
Ralph was staring at me with his hand touching his chin. He looked like he was deep in thought. "I think you're going to be ok, Cookie. Welcome to the neighborhood."
"Thank you Ralph. I think I'll be more at ease now. I'll know at least one uniform that I can trust."
"Yea, I'll know one too. We are trying to get the gangs out of here. If you hear anything let me know. The sooner we get rid of all the gangs the safer it will be for everyone. Most organized crime is gang related."
"That's kind of redundant, isn't it, Ralph? Of course most organized crime is gang related. Get it? Organized? Gang?"
Ralph Thought for a moment then laughed at himself. "Yea! You see what I mean..."
I laughed with him. Mostly I wanted to let him know that I was still trying to be friendly. I liked this guy. I liked the idea of being on good terms with a cop. That's the way it's supposed to be, isn't it?
You can see what I mean about being fed bullshit though. That 'organized crime/gang' line was probably something that they had fed him down at the station house. He was a cop but at least he was trying to do the right thing. What puts the fear/hate in me is cops that are out just for themselves. One of those is too many and there was more than one in Tower city.
"Well Cookie, I've enjoyed talking to you but I need to go. Sorry I made you miss your bus."
"No problem Ralph. I'm glad you and I had this conversation. I feel a lot better about cops."
"No hard feelings about the handcuffs?"
"Naw, it wasn't the first time and I guess it won't be the last."
"Ok, good. Be careful and if there's ever a time I can do something for you let me know, ok?"
"Sure. Thanks. Let me buy you a cup of coffee--I mean java, sometime?"
"I'll look forward to it, bye." he told me and walked off.
I watched him go. He was a nice looking man. I never would have noticed that an hour ago. I felt better about cops. I really was glad we had talked. Mike had said Ralph was ok. I thought of Mike and that gang he had told me about. I couldn't remember the name of it but it was run by some guy named Killer. I wondered if I should tell Ralph about it. I decided I needed to know more about it. For one thing I didn't have anything that would be helpful to Ralph other than the name 'Killer' and besides Mike had talked about Killer like he was helping us CBs. I decided to keep out of it.
The whole book in zipfile format.
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