It was a long hard night. By the time the handyman get there I had sorted things out enough to leave him watching my place while I went downstairs to the quick clean machines and got my clothes cleaned. By the time I had finished and gone back to my apartment he had fixed the door good enough for the night and was in the process of putting my bed back together. I found a clean spot on the table and set down my laundry.
"How's it going?" I asked.
"Not bad. This bed's alright and the door will be fine as soon as I get ya' some new trim tomorrow. The chair is a complete loss though. Well, you could save the cushions...I've got an old frame at my place under the shelter, I think. I'll see if I can find it. If I can then you can have it. Paint it and put your cushions on it and it'll be better than the one you had."
"Gee, thanks. I appreciate that. Can I pay you for it?"
"No need, it's just in my way now. I didn't want to throw it out."
"That's mighty nice of you."
"Glad to help. I know what it's like to have the police bust up your things. I used to be young."
"You mean they quit after you get older?"
"Sort of, you just get smarter, mostly."
What could I say there?
"I'll just bring by the paint and you can put it on yourself, if you want. You'll save yourself about a hundred credits."
"That would be great...Do I get to pick the color?" I asked hopefully. I wanted something bright and happy. The place had been some drab creme off-white. Totally depressing!
"Nope, sorry!"
***
It was after midnight before I got things cleaned up enough that I could go to bed. The door had been fixed so that it worked as good as before. That was no comfort to me. Anytime the police wanted to they could break in again, destroy what ever they wanted to, and rough me up. I knew I would never sleep as well as I had before in that apartment. I wanted to move again. I knew that I couldn't. Despite how bad things were they were the best I could hope for at that time.
I began considering going back to school and finishing. In the dweeb world that would guarantee a good job for me. Down in CB land I wasn't sure that would help at all. There had to be other work besides waitressing that I could find. I had looked before and seen nothing. Word of mouth would be my best bet. A surprising number of CB's couldn't read or write. It was a shame.
It was a shame that with all the marvels in Tower city that people had to live the way we CB's had to. What benefit was it to anyone. Shit, I had had the answer for that all my dweeb life: CB's aren't as good as everyone else. To try to make a CB happy would be like caring if your toaster was happy or not. Would you care if your car didn't feel well today? No, not as long as it performed it's functions. A car or a toaster had just as much soul as a CB. At least a car or a toaster didn't have to die.
I didn't sleep very well that night. In the morning I hung in the bed until I had just barely enough time to get to work. I was cross at work all day long. The manager even spoke to me about it. I apologized and explained what had happened to me the night before. He accepted my reasons and asked me to just try to be a little more friendly if I could. I told him I didn't know if I had it in me. He patted me on the shoulder and said he understood.
That's a funny thing about me, if I get down and depressed so far I just don't think I can get back up again then let one problem be removed and I'm....um, uplifted. It's like I have no room to feel good until that one thing, any one thing, is taken away then I do find the room. I guess everyone's like that.
When I went back to work after that talk with my boss things weren't quite so bad. I did have one of the customers pinch my behind and I raised my hand to slap the man before I knew it. I knew my job was on the line. I smiled at the man who had pinched me and told him, "Y'know, it's a good thing I love you so much, otherwise I'd slap you silly." He took that as a compliment and the shift drug on.
On the way home I stopped by a store and got myself another ten bucks worth of green-meanies. I remembered Toni telling me that they would put a smile on my face. I was having a hard time doing that on my own.
As soon as I got home I popped one in my mouth and prayed it wouldn't make me act silly or anything when Alvin came to pick me up for our date. I got a quick shower, hurriedly fixed my hair and slid on a slightly sexy dress. I looked good despite how I felt. The pill I had taken hadn't done me much good. I popped another and put the bottle in my purse.
The place was still a mess. I wouldn't want to invite Alvin in. It wasn't that bad in there. Most of everything had been put away, after being washed, but the walls were still all covered with food stains. No, I'm not telling this right. Everything looked about as good as usual. Still not right. Everything was as clean as usual, but I did have a busted up chair sitting in the corner waiting for repair or the trash heap, and the walls had been washed but still had some food stains on them. I don't live in a pig-pen and I'm no model housekeeper either, but the place didn't look as good as I wanted.
Alvin would notice. I didn't want to have to explain to him that the police had broken in and demolished the place. He would think I got into trouble with the law all the time. That had been in my past.
I didn't know why they had rousted me the night before. Maybe they just figured they would check on me. That's all they had done. Just look. Aside from the legal pills they had taken with them I had been clean. I was sure there was some cop in an office downtown who had seen my record and was curious if I had been rehabilitated or not. That's all that visit had been about. That and to warn me to be clean in the future. There was doubt they would be back. If they never found anything they would eventually quit bothering me.
When Alvin arrived I grabbed a light jacket and pushed him out into the hall when I answered the door. I told him I wanted us to get started right away. I noticed I was very talkative. I had a smile on my face. The pills were working.
We rode the bus for about six blocks. I was chatting the whole time. I couldn't sit still. Alvin noticed I was excited/energetic. I couldn't tell if he liked the way I was acting or not. One pill next time, two pills were a little much on a date.
Alvin had picked out a nice place to eat. It was a pub kind of a place, nothing fancy. It was dark and quiet. The food was great and they brought all that I cared to eat.
I talked all through the meal and Alvin just sat back and listened to me. I think he was amused. By the time desert was served I had begun to slow down. Alvin finally asked me why I was so peppy. I hedged. We talked about the riot. I told him about being on the bus. He told me that the police had come by where he lived and searched his mother's house.
I was surprised that the police had bothered him and his mother. From the way he described it they just looked around and went through his room pretty good. There was no damage done. He told me it was related to being stopped by the police the other night. They make contact with you then a few days later or maybe the next day or maybe the next week they come by where you live and check you out again.
I admitted that I had been visited. I told him about all the damage they had done and how they had poured out food on my clothes. I was getting angry. Alvin wasn't. I asked him why.
Alvin told me it was over and done with. Just a part of life. I should forget it, he told me. I was amazed by his attitude. The more I pressed him the more he told me to try to let it go.
"'Let it go'? What are you talking about? I'm mad. Why aren't you?"
"Because it's over with."
"Yeh, until next time!"
"Don't let there be a next time, Sue."
"I would, if I could! How can I? Was there something we could have done to prevent what happened this time? I don't think we were doing anything, do you?"
"Sure. You know full well that you shouldn't be out on the street after dark."
"Really? I can't take a quick walk around the block! Is that what you're saying? I should just hide in my apartment from now on?"
"No. Calm down. Look, it's like this; it's worth it to stay out of trouble, isn't it?"
"What do you mean, Alvin?"
"Do you like being rousted by the police? No? Well don't do things that you know will make them want to take a second look at you. So you can't take a walk around your stinking block--fine! We should have just gone and stood by the door. We could have had a nice little talk."
I looked at him in disbelief. I could understand where he was coming from, sure, but I felt like I had the right to walk around the block if I wanted. I didn't like being stopped. I couldn't blame them for wondering why we were going to wonder around in a warehouse area. The lights in the face and the being secured until they knew who we were wasn't too bad. They had to protect themselves (maybe not that much though). I could blame them for busting down my door when I wasn't there, for trashing my walls and my furniture, and for trying to ruin my clothes. Maybe they had to frisk me but the idea of leaving me afraid that they might come back and do it all over again any time they wanted to was too much.
"I'm sorry you feel that way, Alvin. I just have to disagree with you. When someone abuses you the best way to handle it is not to let them. Sometimes you have to stand up and protect yourself! You can't always back down. That's not living!"
"Sure Sue, if you have some kind of a chance of winning. You try fighting those guys and you are going to end up face down in the street with a bullet in your head. Is that worth it?"
I started to argue back. Alvin had a point, of course. Fighting back is good only as long as you win. If you lose or die then what had you done? Dying is a pretty big step for a CB. We have no martyrs--just dead fools. I didn't like it! I couldn't think of anything else to say.
"Sue, I didn't mean to make you mad. This is the way I believe. I'm sorry."
"Don't say you're sorry--people might begin to think that you are." I told him.
"Where'd you here that?" he wanted to know.
"Ummm...a friend told me that once." I told him. I was thinking of Toni. I wanted to go see her. I wanted to go to the Gas City bar and have a good time and see Toni and listen to loud music and....and see Sid! I looked at Alvin closely. Was this the type of man I wanted to pursue? I had admired Sid. Suddenly I wanted to ditch Alvin and his pacifist ways.
I wanted to go see Sid and Toni. I wanted to have another night like they had given me before. I wanted to feel that feeling I had experienced in Toni's garage when we had just talked. To be fair neither Toni, Sid nor Dick had expressed feelings of wanting to fight back. Still they hadn't acted like they would be willing to just roll over and play dead if the cops rousted them. The more I thought about it the more I wanted to tell Alvin that I had a headache then after I was by myself slip on my CB dress and go find Toni and Sid.
Was it the pills? Had they made me loose my inhibitions or something? Most likely it was cabin fever from living in that pip-squeak room and not going out and enjoying myself more.
"What are you looking at?" Alvin wanted to know.
"Didn't mean to stare. I'm thinking."
"What about?"
"Which is better; to live like you think you should and pay the price, or live small."
"Is that what you think I want to do? Live small?"
"Sorry Alvin. That wasn't called for. I didn't mean that exactly. I guess I should have said 'conservative'."
"I prefer to think of it as being wise."
"Yes, I guess. You're right. It's smart like you say. I'm just having trouble with the concept."
"I know you were brought up to think like you're not a CB, but you've got to change that, Sue. You ARE a CB and life has dealt you this hand. You need to know your limits. You will never be happy trying to be more than you can be. That's not to say that you have to live like you don't care. I know you have a lot of spunk in you and it's hard for you to live like you are. You have to learn what you can have and forget about the rest of it."
"I still can't accept that, Alvin. I know I still have a lot of Regular People's ideas in my head. What you are saying is 'be the best that you can--even if that isn't much'. I'm thinking more like 'life is a journey--not a destination'. That means you don't decide ahead of time what your limits are--you learn them as you go along (and you learn how to surpass them). If I sat down tonight and convinced myself that this is what I am and I'll never make it any better then I don't know why I would find it so necessary to go on. What would the sense be in that? If I already knew the outcome?"
"Don't get me wrong, Sue, I'm agreeing with you, inside. I wish you were right. I think it's just better to face the problem and admit to what is in front of you. What you are saying sounds good, but you will have much heartache if you try to live your life that way."
"To get the highs you have to get by the lows. To try and fail is better than to just fail." I countered.
Alvin laughed. Listen to us, will you? We are going to find the answer to the universe like this.
It was funny. We were supposed to be on a date, for Pete's sake! "Still, I like having my mind exercised."
"Yes, it is good to talk." Alvin agreed.
We talked for awhile longer. By then it was getting late. Alvin took me home. I think he was worried what would happen if the police caught us out after dark again. We kissed at the door. When I didn't ask him in (because my place still looked so bad), Alvin left. It was midnight. Just the right time to make it to the Gas City bar.
The whole book in zipfile format.
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