I looked out over the bar through new eyes that night. I was practically staff. It was interesting. The first time I had come into this place I had been afraid that anything might happen to me, suddenly I was anxious to start working there. I watched the ebb and flow of customers. I studied how the waitresses did their jobs. It didn't look too bad.
I did see one thing that I liked. There was this one guy giving Meg, one of the waitresses, a hard time. I knew he was going to grab her butt and when he did she slapped him up side of his head just as hard as she could. I just knew she had lost her job. What happened next surprised me. Mike went over and escorted the guy out of the bar and told him to stay out for the rest of the night. If I had done that at Ed' place I would have been the one going out of the door and I would have lost my job.
I saw a lot of things I would like about my new job. I learned a little too. For example all the staff, except for the band, wore cotton in their ears. I guess they had to. The sound system in the bar was really loud.
Mike told me he had noticed where Sid and I had tried to clean the bar up some extra for him. He thanked us and gave us free drinks all night long. I did my best to not get drunk. I didn't want to look bad in front of Mike and I had to be sober at midnight so I could make it home on my own and get some rest before going on my old job the next day.
It was just about time for me to leave when Sid did another solo for me while I clapped and shook my booty. It went over well. The bar responded with a great deal of applause when he had finished. It made me feel proud to hear them applaud him so wholeheartedly. That was my man they enjoyed so much.
The band took a break and Sid and I went out back to the bus for a few minutes to hold each other and kiss until I had to leave. It was so hard to pull apart. I could have stayed in his arms all night. Finally I realized that it was up to me to be the one to stop it and go home. It was my job that had to be gone to the next day. I had had a great weekend and it was time to do what I had to do so I could have many more wonderful weeks with the man I loved, Sid.
***
I left the bar by myself. Sid and the band had to get back to work again. I had to walk a block before I found a bus stop. I waited for the bus to come alone. A police car passed by slowly. I wanted to waive to them, make friends with them, not be bothered by them. I just stood there. If I waived it would only be an excuse for them to come over and find something wrong. I pretended I didn't see them and the car continued past.
Some guy came by and asked for a handout. I told him I was broke. He left.
Another guy came by and wanted to know if I was a hooker. I told him I wasn't and he wanted to know where he could find one. I started to tell him I didn't know but instead I told him to go down the street two blocks. I didn't know if there would be any hookers that way or not. All I was thinking of was the fact that I wouldn't be down there. He left .
Some woman came up and asked me if I knew when the next bus was due. I told her I wasn't sure but busses in that part of town ran every fifteen minutes. She joined me. I was glad to have somebody there beside me. It would help keep the creeps away.
The bus finally came and the woman and I got on. I was beginning to feel pretty tired. The whole atmosphere on the bus was sleepily subdued. I rode the eight blocks to my exit and got off.
The air outside felt better than what I had been breathing on the bus. I crossed the street over to where I would have to wait for another bus to finish carrying me home. I was in a quiet neighborhood. There were trees and I felt safe under a big orange street lamp. There was a slight breeze and it played with my hair. I was glad Sid had let me keep his shirt. The longer I stood there the chillier I felt. I had been standing there for nearly ten minutes when a police car came by and slowed down. My heart skipped a beat. It looked like the same one that had slowed down at the first stop I had been at. They shined their light at me. They could stop and do just about anything they wanted.
"Hello." I heard a male voice call to me from the car as it stopped in front of where I was standing.
"Hello." I responded. I was sure it wasn't the same car I had seen before. It still meant trouble.
"Do you know what time it is?" I was asked.
"Ummm...about fourteen or fourteen thirty, I think officer."
"What are you doing?"
"I'm waiting for a bus."
"What's your name?"
They were curious but at least they weren't getting out of their car.
"Tegor--Sue Ann Tegor."
There was some conversation in their car.
"Do you want to get in the car, please."
I nearly cried. Why were they arresting me now? I went over to their car and the door opened for me. I got in and closed it behind me. I waited to hear the locking mechanism to imprison me. It went CLICK loudly.
"The buses don't come down this far this late, Miss Tegor. We'll give you a lift up the street to where you can catch one."
"Oh! Thank you. I thought I was being arrested." I said, which was a dumb thing to say to a cop.
"What for? You haven't been breaking the law have you?"
"As far as I know I haven't been. I try to keep out of trouble, officer."
"That's the best bet. Where have you been?"
Cops always ask too many questions. It seems like they are constantly trying to trip you up. I don't like talking to people who may turn on you at any second. I considered not telling them I had come from the Gas City bar. It might be a mistake but I decided to tell the truth and not try to hid anything from them. "The Gas City bar."
"Wild place. CB hangout. What were you doing there?"
"I went to see my boyfriend."
"He didn't want to see that you made it home safe and sound?"
"Oh, he works there. I had to leave so I could get some rest before I go to work tomorrow."
"Where do you work, Sue?"
"Ed's place, near Chesbrook."
"Been there. I don't remember you though. What shift do you work?"
The car was slowing. "I'm supposed to work second shift but I get a lot of overtime." I explained.
"I usually come in on the graveyard shift." the cop told me.
"We're not open past midnight during the weekdays."
"Um, we come by on the weekends." he hedged.
"Ed closes the place at twelve on the weekends. You just want to see if I really work there or not."
"Yep. We see a pretty girl out this late we have to ask ourselves 'is she a prostitute?'. You understand. We're just doing our jobs."
The car had come to a complete stop. "Is this where I can catch a bus? May I get out?"
"Yes. You aren't under arrest."
"Please don't even think like that officer. Thank you for the ride. Goodnight." The door still hadn't been opened. There was no door handle for me to open the door myself.
"We just had a call on the radio saying there was some gang activity in the area. We wanted to be sure everyone was safe. Have a good night." The door clicked and opened.
"Thanks again. I'll be careful." I told them gratefully--I don't know if it was for their concern as much as it was for the fact that I had been released. I watched the car pull away slowly. The air outside tasted especially good. I was still free. I didn't ever want to be that close to a cop again. Don't get me wrong, I was grateful for their concern and for their ride. What bothered me was how close I may have come to being put in jail for who knows what. I'd rather take my chances with whatever gang they thought they were protecting me from.
I didn't like that reference they had made about Sid not caring if I got home safe or not. If I had been that concerned I would have taken a cab. I wasn't so broke that I couldn't do that if I wanted to. Cops and their suspicion of everything. I don't think I could live like that.
I was there about five minutes when the same patrol car drove by me again. I waived at them as friendly as I could. They would probably come by and check me out at work later. I worried that they might come by my apartment and bust things up again. I still had 100 bucks to pay for the police department's last visit.
Cops are weird. I would have loved to be their friend. Giving me that little lift had been very nice. It had! Protecting me had been nice. I wanted to be on the right side of the law. As a society we needed laws. Laws were there to protect all of us. Cops represented the law and enforced it. That's great! Then you have the other things cops do and you have to wonder if we've come that far from the jungle or not.
The bus finally came before the car with the police came back by. I got on the bus and made it home safe and sound in spite of the police. I made it into my apartment. Everything still looked the same. Everything was alright. I was alright.
I closed the door and put my back to it to keep it closed and to keep everything out there away from me. What had happened? I had gone on a simple date with Alvin. It hadn't been good. I had gotten frustrated and gone to the Gas city bar to find Toni and live it up a little. I had found Sid instead and now my life was changed. Again. Forever.
I let myself slid down the door to the floor and sat there amazed at what had happened. I had made love, three times! I had, maybe, lost my heart. I wanted so much to be back in Sid's strong arms, to feel his body next to mine.
There was still so much standing between Sid and me. Two weeks of uncertainty. Two weeks of working for Ed. Two weeks of late night bus rides with gang activity and roving cops. Two weeks of Sid living in that darned bus.
Time is so precious. I didn't want to waste it waiting. There would be so much that could go wrong.
You can develop a habit waiting, did you know that? You want to get something nice to wear so you save your money and wait until you have enough money to get it. You finally get your money saved and you may find you don't want what you had been saving for. Maybe you just blow the money you worked so hard for or decide to get something more expensive like a stereo.
Was it that wanting might have been better than having or have you gotten yourself into the habit of waiting? Was it because it was safer to hang onto your cash? Could it have been because it was safer to do nothing than take a chance on buying a bad stereo system, car, home? Was there some kind of feeling of security in waiting and not doing?
The habit of waiting. You might be doing it for years and years and never realize that you have been hiding from life to feel the security of waiting. It is better to do and fail than to not have done in the first place--as long as it doesn't kill you. Is that the feeling of security that waiting offers? That you know you aren't risking yourself? Is that life? Who says?
I sat on the floor almost afraid to get up and get undressed for bed. I played with the keys in my hand. I touched my leg and remembered how it had felt when Sid had been touching me--and when I had touched him. We build our own prisons and we live in them until we see something out there that looks better than what we have then we venture out and try to get it. I had made a prison out of my job and my apartment. When I had met up with Sid again I had found a reason to escape the security of the rut I had been trying to live in.
***
I overslept the next day and I barely made it to work on time. I didn't even get to eat anything for breakfast. I was starving around all that food I was bringing to Ed's customers. Then I got a headache.
I got a chance to talk to Ed before he went home for the night. I told him I had found a better job and I would be leaving in two weeks. The rat offered me a big raise! Didn't he realize that by not paying me what he thought I was worth he wasn't paying me what I thought I was worth? Didn't he know that by not doing that I would be likely to look for a way out on the side? No. Most people take what they get and don't even try to make something better for themselves. We don't realize how good we really are.
Anyway, Ed went home mad and I was mad and it was a long night. Thank goodness the police didn't show up. Too bad that Alvin did.
He came in like everything was still the same. He evidently hadn't even tried to get hold of me all weekend. He figured I was still living in my usual rut. Why not? He was still securely stuck in his. I knew I wouldn't have any problem telling him that I was moving or that I had found someone else, kinda. I didn't want to hurt him. He was a nice guy. There just wasn't any connection between us. He had been a friend--an ok friend--but then that was how I felt about his mother. I had felt a hunger for him or had that just been hunger and I knew that he was supposed to be able to fix that.
How did I tell him goodbye? Honesty is the best policy. Bullshit! Your best friend goofs up her hair and thinks it's great so you tell her how bad it looks--wrong! You hint that maybe it doesn't look as nice as usual. If they take that well you let it slip that you liked the way it was better, otherwise you let them get tired of it on their own. What did I tell Alvin?
"Alvin, I've found a better job for myself and I'll have to move to get it."
"Really? Where are you moving to, Sue?"
"I don't know yet. It will have to be somewhere around the Gas City bar. Do you know where that is?"
"No."
I wasn't surprised. "It's about ten or twelve blocks from here."
"That's not too far. You'd probably be better off to stay where you're at and commute."
Right. "No. It would take too long everyday."
"Yeh, I guess you're right. It'd probably take an hour each way. I hate to hear that but I suppose I ought to be glad for you. It'll pay better than this place, I guess, right?"
"Three credits an hour plus tips."
"What do you get here, If you don't mind me asking?"
"4.05 credits an hour--no tips, Ed keeps them."
"I didn't know that. What good does it do for someone to tip you? If I had known that I wouldn't have been tipping you all along."
"Thanks."
"You know what I mean, Sue."
"Yeah."
"Will I see you any more?" he wanted to know.
"I'll visit you sometimes."
"Suppose I visited you?"
Your hair looks like shit! Um..."What do we have, Alvin? I mean just how do you feel about me?"
"I like you, Sue. I like you a lot!"
"I feel like we are friends, Alvin. Just friends..." I watched carefully to see if I had hurt him. If it looked like I had I would say something like...'good friends' or 'real good friends' or however good friends we needed to be to let him down easy. He looked disappointed. I could see that he had understood what I had meant.
"Yes...sure Sue, just friends. I know we never had a physical attraction. We just think alike. I know. I just like being around you and talking to you. We can still do that can't we?"
"I hope so, Alvin. I like talking to you too. I feel like I can be honest with you. Thank you for being such a good friend. We'll stay in touch, ok?"
"Absolutely. Now tell me what I can do to help you. I know--I'll talk to mom. She might know someone who has a place to rent. She has lots of friends."
"Thank you, Alvin." I would miss him. He was a good friend. Just a friend.
The whole book in zipfile format.
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