We had done a pretty good job of depressing ourselves. It was my fault. I had made them remember how they had been put down and used by the system. It made me feel bad to bring down people who were willing to be my friends. I drank Toni's booze and tried to forget.
Another thing that was depressing me was the fact that all the problems these people had faced I would be facing too.
I reviewed my options:
1) pretend I wasn't a CB
That was out. Life was too short to try
to live a lie.
2) expose myself as a CB
Possible yet expensive in terms of pain
to my family.
3) disappear from my folks' life
Pain to family and myself. Yet this way
I could save my family most of the pain.
I was still favoring my original plan. Plan 3. Drop out of my folks' life. I would save them a lot of embarrassment that way. Things would be harder on me but I would rather endure that than put dad, mom, and Shela through whatever it would take for me to live in their world.
Don't get me wrong. I knew I still didn't have enough information to make a good decision. I needed to pump Toni and her friends for more information and I needed to call home to let my folks know I was still alright and I needed to call school to get my homework assignments so I could keep up in school while I was out so that I didn't ruin that option. It was Tuesday and I had never spent the whole night out away from home before--at least, not under circumstances anywhere near what I was currently doing.
"Look, I need to let my folks know I'm alright. After I get dressed would one of you please help me find a phone?"
There was a silence. My new friends were all in little worlds of their own. I had depressed them by reminding them of their problems. It made me feel bad. I got up carefully and found my clothes. The shower in the make-do bathroom was almost more than I could bear. I forced myself to get in it and clean up. I got dressed and was ready to leave before anyone spoke.
"Sue Ann, come here, please." Toni asked me.
I went and stood in front of her.
"I'm sorry I'm so down. I wanted you to have a good time. Please don't think we always mope around like this. We have a lot of fun down here. The thing is you've got to know how to avoid trouble. I feel like I have let you down. Promise you will come back so I can show it's not all bad being a CB. We may be down now but one day we will be on top. For everything the regular world has done to put us down we will do back to them. It all works out in the end."
"Toni, two weeks ago I was one of the people putting you and all the other CB's down. I thought they should have just killed you when you were born. I truly believed that. I was wrong and I want to say I'm sorry. You have shown me kindness and a willingness to listen to my puny problems when I know that my so called friends would have put me down. There is no doubt in my mind who I want to be around. I just hope you will have me back again."
Toni had gotten on her feet and was standing right in front of me. She held out her arms to me and I gave her a big hug.
"I didn't know what to make of you when you first showed up, Sue. I thought it might be fun to see what I could take you for or to show you how high we CB's live to make me feel better about myself. I was wrong. You are a sweet sincere person. I want you to come as often as you can. I want you to be my friend."
"Count on it." I told her.
I felt an extra arm touch my back. It was Sid. "Friends?" he asked me.
"Friends!" I confirmed.
I looked around until I saw Dick. He was still sitting where he had been. I extended a hand to him. He hesitated then took it and squeezed it warmly. "Friends?" I asked him.
"Yep." he told me.
"Let me get some pants on and I'll show you how to get back home." Sid offered. "If it's alright with Toni."
We both looked at Toni. Sid wanted permission. I was wondering why.
"Go on!" She told sid.
He immediately began putting on his pants right in front of the both of us. Dad would have had a stroke if he had known. Mom too.
There was so much changing going on in my life and for what purpose? Why was the state keeping records of who was a CB and who wasn't? I knew the answer. So that they could keep track of how many real people were left. All it took was one CB in your family tree and everyone from there down was a CB. Someday CB's would outnumber the real people. Wouldn't that be a shame. I'm being facetious. The world would be better off filled with people like Toni instead of the high muckety-mucks down at city hall. We CB's might not have any souls but we were still alive.
Sid showed me the way to a store with a phone out front. While I called home he wanted for me, protecting me.
"Hello?" I heard.
"Mom?"
"Yes. Are you alright, Sue?"
"Yes, I'm fine."
"Where are you?"
"I'm still downtown. I'll be home in a little bit."
"Tell me where you are and I'll come get you, Sue."
"Naw. I'll catch a bus. Be there in a while."
"No. Let me come get you."
"Sorry mom, I'm coming home on my own. I'll be fine. See ya'."
"Ok honey, hurry."
I hung up the phone. I wouldn't allow myself to be picked up by my mother. I was an adult. I could do things for myself.
"Everything alright?" Sid wanted to know.
"Yeh, fine. Where can we get some liquor?"
"You planning on partying?"
"No. I noticed Toni was kind of low on something to drink. I just want to repay her for letting me spend the night."
"Letting you spend the night? She won't want anything for that."
"Well I can give her a gift, can't I?"
"Yeh, as long as it's not charity."
"It's gratitude, ok?"
"She'd be glad then. Here, we can get her some schnapps in here. She loves that. That's very nice of you, Sue."
"Hardly. I had a good time last night. I hope I can do it again."
"When? Why not come back tonight? You and Toni don't have a thing do you?"
I looked at Sid surprised. He had just told me that he wanted to see me, and that Toni had flings with girls. I hoped that Toni didn't consider me a 'date'. I liked her but not like that. I hoped that wouldn't hurt her. I liked the idea of seeing Sid again, especially when he was playing some more for the band. He was great. I liked his music and that made me want to get to know the man. It would be a bad idea to promise Sid I would come see him until I better understood what Toni's feelings were.
"I'll try. I've got to go home and face the third degree. My parents will have lots of questions to ask me about last night I'm sure."
"Promise you'll come tomorrow if not tonight."
I smiled at him. He was definitely interested--so was I. I'd never met a guy like sid. Don't get that wrong. I mean I had seen him in his underwear before he had even asked for a date. Kinda fresh, huh?
"I promise I'll be back."
We got a bottle of schnapps for Toni. I still had twenty credits...uh, bucks left. Sid walked me to a bus stop and talked with me while I waited for a bus.
"Do you live in a real dweeb neighborhood?" he wanted to know.
I looked at him. What did he want to know? I didn't think he was switching to adoration for dweebs. He had a life of his own and only in his worst nightmare would he think dweebs were alright. You treat someone like shit and they aren't going to love you for it, they're going to try to throw your shit right back at you mixed with some of their own.
"Yeh, why?"
"What are they going to think of you showing up dressed like that--don't get me wrong! You look great. I mean that but to a dweeb all they are going to see is a damned CB."
I looked at myself. He was right. It had been one thing leaving the house with an overcoat on in the dark. I would be coming home in broad daylight. I needed something to change into. I considered going back to Toni's to see if she had something in all of those boxes that I could wear and not look like a CB. That was something, I was going to have to sneak home. No doubt about it. I was a CB. I felt a little proud of it too!
"Here, wear this." Sid said as he pealed off his shirt.
He was giving me the shirt off of his back! I was so ashamed of how I had felt about CB's all my life and I was so proud of Sid for being so generous and protective. My self esteem jumped way up there--I had made a connection with a person so strong that he was willing to give up his shirt for me. I loved that. Someday I would like to be able to give hugely of myself to another just so they would know I wanted to honor them. Someone that would honor me tremendously too.
"Are you sure?"
"I'll get another one from Toni. I expect to see you back here tonight or tomorrow night with my shirt or I'll come hunt you down!" he told me playfully. A thrill ran through me to think of Sid on my trail. That could be fun!
I put the shirt on. It went a bunch lower than my cut off dress. My favorite dress.
The whole book in zipfile format.
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