When Shela and I got back to dad's house from shopping and just being together again it was quiet. We didn't know what was going on. At first I thought that all my parents weren't in agreement on something. The problem was there were all in agreement--that I had a problem. Dad had explained to Jerry and Jennifer about what CBs were and what had happened when I had found out that I was one.
I could see where Jennifer had been crying and I didn't know what to say. Now my being a CB was affecting her and dad. That made me cry to think about it. Then Shela broke down to. I was bawling my eyes out when Jerry spoke to me.
"What the hell are you blubbering about! When I first found out you were my daughter I thought you were pretty smart. Now I find you can't figure this out. Ed's told me that he's tried and tried to explain it to you and you don't seem to be able to get it. What in blazes is giving you such a hard time? For Pete's sake, Sue, get a clue!" dad said crossly.
I was crying and listening to him and suddenly I realized I didn't know what he was talking about. I stopped sobbing and looked up for a moment confused. "What do you mean?" I didn't know if I should be mad or what.
Shela was looking as confused as me so I figured I hadn't lost all my marbles.
"Honey, don't say that..." Jennifer directed Jerry.
"Sorry. It just pisses me of that she had to fall for some tripe like that. You wouldn't have." he told her.
I still didn't know what they were talking about. I thought they were going to bitch and moan because I had had the bad fortune to be born a CB, but it was begining to sound like they were blaming something on me. Pete only knew what.
Jennifer leaned over and very softly began to talk to me like she was explaining something very important to a child. "Cookie, you're not a CB."
I looked at her even more dumbly than before. Of couse I was a CB. I had to be a CB! It had just become fashionable to be a CB!
Did she mean she and Jerry didn't have cloned baby-making stuff? I was going to heaven (or hell) after all? I thought I had it but I wasn't sure. I looked at them confounded.
"You have a soul!" Jerry quipped like I was taking too long to let what Jennifer had said sink in.
I blinked in understanding. I knew what they must have been saying (my real parents had the real stuff to make real babys with)(and I had a soul)(!). I couldn't, for the life of me, think of what to say.
Jerry looked at me frustrated. "There's no such thing as a CB!" he nearly shouted.
That didn't sound like he was talking about the same thing I was thinking. Now I was really puzzled. The only thing I could come up with was maybe Jerry and Jennifer had gotten something mixed up about something that dad had told them. I looked to dad and saw that he was looking at me expectantly like I was suposed to know what they were talking about. Obviously they hadn't been talking about baby-making parts. I blinked and smiled then my jaw fell slack again.
I got embarassed. I was looking like a real jerk in front of everyone. "Help me out, someone. What are you talking about here?"
Jennifer leaned even closer to me and said, "Honey, you've been to-"
"It's a lie!" Jerry broke in impatiently. He was very upset.
They were all very upset.
I was very upset. I just didn't know about what.
"What's a lie?" I asked impatiently.
"That...that..that there's such a thing as a CB! It's a lie made up for...some damned reason--I don't know. Whoever told you that some people don't have souls lied to you!" Jerry grumbled.
I looked at him suddenly realizing what he was talking about. Neither Jennifer or Jerry could have had any conception about CBs. It had only been in the last 500 or so years that we had found out about CBs not having souls. I smiled knowingly and looked to dad. I was sure he had tried to explain to them about CBs and such.
Dad was looking at me like he was disappointed. I got confused again. "Honey," dad said patiently, "listen to them. They're pretty smart folks and they didn't have to listen to a lot of silly hog wash about who had souls and who doesn't. Listen, please."
"How would they know?" I asked suddenly angry. "Are you telling me that this has all been some bad joke or something? Don't you remember what happened when the police came down on me. Don't you remember what the nieghbors did? You knew it then. You put me out of the house. Mom and Shela wouldn't even talk to me..." I hadn't meant to say that last part. Shela was sitting right next to me. I looked at her afraid of what I'd see. She surprised me by hugging my neck. I wanted her to want to be arround me. She had had a right to not want to be seen with me before--I just hoped she would be willing to accept me for what I was.
Why couldn't Jennifer and Jerry accept me for being me? I had never lied to them and said I was something I wasn't.
I wanted to get up and run out of there. Why was this all starting up again? I hadn't done anything. Was this what my whole life would be like? I'd find people I loved and then this damned CB thing would be there to keep us apart. I didn't want that. I couldn't stand it. No! It was too much. I felt like I couldn't breathe! I tried to pull away from Shela. I felt strong arms grab me. It was Jerry. He wasn't trying to calm me. He was trying to prevent me from getting up.
"Let me go!" I told him.
I felt other arms grab me--Jennifer, dad. They were all holding me. I was trying to get up but they kept pulling me down. I cried out in frustration and anger. Everyone was crying. I would have given anything to leave that room. I was begging for them to let me go so I could go hide.
They held on.
I had never been so humiluated in my life, I wanted to just kill myself.
They held on.
I kept struggling, but they still held me down. Finally I became so tired that I couldn't resist any more. It was like a dream. I couldn't move.
Someone grabbed me by the cheeks of my face. It was Jennifer. I was hot and sweating from exertion, anger, and humiliation. I could barely see her for the tears in my eyes. I hated having her see me like I was. She was shaking my head. It took a minute for me to realize that she was talking to me, shouting at me. I became curious about what she was saying. I stopped trying to pull away and I could begin to hear her. It was hard. I was gasping for breathe and about all I could hear was the blood rushing through my ears.
"Cookie! Cookie, can you hear me?"
I nodded my head, that wasn't easy. She had both her hands on my face. Her face was only a few centimeters from mine. She was red in the face and sweat and tears ran down her cheeks.
"Are you all right?"
I nodded my head shamed and turned my eyes from her. I had been acting like an idiot.
"Look at me! Look at me when I talk to you!"
I looked back again. Everybody was looking at me. All our faces were within a meter of one another. It was everything I could do to keep from closing my eyes in shame. My cheeks burned like fire.
"We're trying to help you! Listen to us!....We love you Cookie!"
I didn't know what to do. "I love you too." I bawled.
"Listen to what I'm telling you! You have been lied to! You DO have a soul, Cookie. Honest! Please believe me. Please believe what I'm telling you. I'm not telling you this to make you feel better. It's the truth! I swear to god that I'm not lying."
I looked at her in disbelief. "How can it be true?"
"You're an adult look arround you. People lie all the time. The goverment lies too. You ought to know by now that you can't always go by what people tell you. You've got a mind and you've got to use it to discover for yourself what is right and what isn't. Use your mind now. Don't take my word for it. Can't you see that you weren't created just so you could die and that would be it?"
I started to say something. All the old arguments came back. They were there like bullets for me to shoot her down with. The very fact that I wanted to believe her was the biggest giveaway that she had to be wrong. That proved she couldn't be right!
Look at all I had given up. Didn't that count for anything? Just imagine what all that my fellow CBs had lost over time because we were born with out souls. She wanted me to believe that it was all a lie? A lie that had lasted for hundreds of years? All of that pain and suffering over a simple lie? Who would ever dream of saying something that important if it wasn't the truth?
It was a lie?
Oh, but then it had met it's match! My folks had gotten arround with time to kill on thier hands and were talking when suddenly it became crystal clear to them that thier darling daughter just had to have a soul. Well that other thing must be a lie. Yes, that was it. Just a lie. How simple.
Next problem!
I hung my head in bewilderment.
Jennifer forced me to look at her again. "Don't you trust me? Are you more willing to believe someone else? Maybe you think I'm doing this because I'm taunting you. Is that it?"
I shook my head 'no'.
"I love you Cookie. We all do. You believe that don't you?"
Nod 'yes'.
"Well what can I say to make you believe me?"
"I don't know. It dosen't matter."
"It does matter! You've shown us all that by the way you've been fighting us. Please don't lie to us. We're here to help you. You know that, don't you?"
Nod 'yes'.
"Then let's talk this through. That's the only way we can resolve this thing. Let's get at the truth, ok?"
I shrugged my shoulders. I tried to shrug my shoulders. Shela had my left arm pinned to my side. Jerry had a grip on my right arm I'd never break and was holding me down with his other arm which was behind me with his hand pushing down on my left shoulder. Ed was holding my left hand and also pushing down on my left shoulder. Jennifer, of course, was holding my face in her hands.
I relaxed and I felt all of them relax too. I wanted them to all let go. I knew they wouldn't. I had acted like an ass a minute before. I closed my eyes as a fresh torrent of tears began to flow. I felt that old feeeling of being different again. It had been years since I had felt it. It felt like it must have had something to do with the question at hand. 'Was there such a thing as a CB? A person with out a soul? Could that be me? Yes, of course!'
"Cookie," Jerry began, "if you don't have a soul I don't want one!"
"Don't say that!" I chastised him. "You have a...ticket to the afterlife! Just because I don't have one don't you throw yours away! Please. I'd never forgive you if you did. I've done enough things in my life to be sorry for--don't add that to the list."
"Ok, let's turn it arround. Everybody here has a 'ticket', right? Except you."
I sighed deeply.
"We ought to be able to vote you 'in'. Hows that? All in favor of Cookie going to heaven with us when we die say 'aye'!"
"Don't be silly." I told my father.
"You're the one being silly. How can you believe that any of us, or anyone else for that matter, is better than you?"
He looked at me like he expected an answer.
"We're all equal, Cookie." Jennifer explained.
"...in the eyes of god we are." Ed added.
How could we decide something that big there? One minute I'm out shopping with Shela and having a grat time and the next minute they are all expecting me to change my mind about what I think will happen to me when I die. I had gone through all of that before when I had first found out that I wasn't really real. I had desperately wanted to believe that there had been a mistake. That my folks had real goodies. That I had been the temporary victim of some computer glitch.
That hadn't been the case. The only thing worse than not having a soul was thinking you had one when you didn't. No, I had examined the problem and I knew what I was. I had no choice. I had taken my lumps and accepted what I was, why couldn't they?
I saw Shela licking her lips. It was her turn to take a try. "Sue, what would happen if I went to heaven and when I got there I had all my friends and everything but you weren't there? Don't you think I would miss you? Do you think God would let me miss you for all of eternity? That wouldn't be nice would it?"
What did I say to her? Maybe something like, 'Hey kid don't like me now because I won't be there later!'? I didn't know. She was talking about things beyond my control. Maybe I should just make an enemy of her and then she wouldn't have that problem. Maybe I should make them all hate me. It would be easier on all of us. That was stupid talk. I loved these people. I didn't want to hurt them. Surely God would just let them forget about me when the time came. He had a plan.
Jennifer's turn again. "Would I have had a child if I knew she wouldn't have a soul and therefore wouldn't be allowed into the hereafter?"
"They didn't know about this back then." I explained to her. "Look, you are all being terribly nice trying to make me believe and I'm sure your hearts are in the right place and all, but the truth is the truth and nothing we can do or say will change it. Please don't let it worry you. I've made my peace with it and I wish you would too."
They all sat there kinda limp. I could see that the argument had gone out of them. It had been very embarrasing and, in a way, sweet. Thankfully it appeared to be about over with. I waited for them to let go of me, in more ways than one.
There was nothing left to say that I could see.
Slowly the hands released me.
I started to get up. In a way I wished that I had been wrong. If only what they wanted was true...
"Hold it!" it was Jennifer. "You come with me! We're going to get this straight one way or the other. I'm not quitting! Either I'm going to convince you that you are wrong or you are going to have to convince me I'm wrong. Now lets go! Here, we'll use the bathroom! I want this to be just betweeen you and me!"
I sighed tiredly but I let her drag me to the bathroom. She shut the door behind us and sat on the edge of the tub. I was standing and leaning against the sink with my arms folded in front of me. I was afraid this might take awhile. She lowered the lid on the comode and motioned that she wanted me to sit on it. It wasn't my first choice for a place to sit to discuss the meaning of death but then where was a better place--especially for a CB?
Jennifer began, "Look Cookie, I know you don't really think of me as your mother--but I am! I expect to get the respect that that qualifies me for. Look at it from my point of view; I've been robbed of my child's youth. I never got to see you grow up. You were less than a year old when we were all put in capsuls. One day you were my gurgling little baby girl and the next you had been stranded at a hospital because someone had borrowed your truck.
"Don't you know how much I loved you? You didn't remember a thing about me and your father when we met that day. Don't you see that for everything you missed doing with us we missed doing the same things with you?
"Lately you've treated me and your father like we're just a couple of books on a shelf. You were glad enough when you first found us but here lately I get the feeling that you think you own us. That because we're your parents that that's the end of it. Well let me tell you something; sure, your father and I love you but you can't just take us for granted. You've got to show us something too! We've got feelings just like everybody else.
"I don't have too many years of experiance over you and I admit you've done pretty well for yourself. That still doesn't mean I don't know a little more than you. When I tell you something I expect for you to give me a good listen.
"Now you're fixing to interupt right now.
"Well, keep it to yourself. I've got things to say and when I'm done then you can have your say, if you want.
"I'm wondering how these people treated you and what they taught you. What'd they do to make you think you're not as good as every other person in the world?
"I think we all come into the world thinking that's there's something wrong with us and it's not hard to find someone to tell you you're right. People love to do that. They think it means they're not as bad as they thought they were. I've done that to people and I'm sure you have too. Guess what, people have done it to you as well. That's what this shit about you not having a soul is! Don't you believe it!
"This Edward seems like a good sort. He taught you everything didn't he? He made sure you were exposed to the world, didn't he?"
She stopped and looked at me. Suddenly I realized she was expecting an answer. I had to stop and think what the question had been. I'd been listening. I was just so into listening that when it was my turn to speak I was taken off guard. I admired that woman. She was raking me over the coals yet I...I think I was grateful (?).
"Uh...yes. Yes he did."
"He took you to church?"
"Uh, yes. That is until they found out that I was a CB. They wouldn't let me go after that--but that's not his fault!"
"You mean those SOBs wouldn't let you go to church? What was the matter with them? Never mind that. Tell me about the mother. Is she dead or something?"
"I don't think so, Jennifer. Um, she had a hard time coping with everything that was going on. There are some things you've got to understand. The police were arresting me everytime I turned arround. Somehow I had slipped between the cracks and was living like a dweeb. I guess that had somebody pretty upset because the cops kept hounding us until it became clear to Ed, out there, that if I didn't get back to the side of town I belonged on they were going to put me in jail and throw away the key. That man may have saved my life right there. I was upset with him, mom was in la la land, Shela was hiding with mom. It was rough."
"And I guess all of that just reinforced your belief that you were not as good as the dweebs..."
"I knew CBs weren't worth anything since I was a kid. All of us knew that CBs just looked like people and acted like them--then I found out that was what I was. It's confusing. I never knew that CBs could feel like I do. To me I think I'm just as much alive as anyone but I know that I'm not--I can't be--no soul!"
Mom put her head in her hands. It was a lot for her to swallow at one gulp. I had told her about some of the differences between CBs and dweebs when she and dad had first come to live with me at the complex. I'd just never given her my personal history before. Can you blame me?
"Let's change the subject some." She started again. She sounded tired. "We've been talking about what you should believe in. Let's go the other route. Let's talk about what you shouldn't believe..." she looked at me for a moment more colecting her thoughts.
"Damn!" she cursed. "I don't want to do this! I don't know how. What do I tell you to make you realize that you have a soul?"
"Mom, I know that that might be important to me, but why does it worry you so much? What are you going to get out of it?"
"Maybe nothing and maybe everything. I remember the church used to say that we should all spread the word of God. If you don't truely acknowledge God as your savor then you will not be accepted into His kingdom. If you don't think you have a soul you won't acknowledge Him."
"Oh, I know there's a god, mom. I know that. I acknowledge Him. That's no problem at all. The only problem is He doesn't acknowledge me."
Mom made a crazy face at me. "Everything has been perverted. You know all the things you need to know but the way you look at them is out of step. It keeps boiling down to one thing: you don't think you are as good as a dweeb."
"Now you got it, mom."
"No! That's wrong! Why did you just have that revolt? Wasn't it to show the dweebs that you are as good as they are and you won't be pushed arround anymore?"
"No, the last part is right. We won't let them push us arround any more, but we know they're better than us."
"How can you say that?"
"'Cause it's true!"
"No it's not! How can you believe that? What does it take to make you think that you are as good as any of them?"
"I'm not. If I had a soul I would be."
Mom was acting like she wanted to pace the floor or something. She was trying so hard to convince herself that I was just as good as anyone that it was about to eat her alive.
"Relax mom, it's not your fault. That's what has you so upset isn't it? You think it's your fault because you gave birth to me. You think you've failed somehow, right?"
"No, you turkey! You've been given everything that every other human female was ever given since the model first came out! You've got this religion stuff all wrong. It's suposed to help you. You're using it to hurt yourself. That's wrong."
I reached over and patted her shoulder gently. I loved that woman. She was trying so hard to help me. "Look, let's think on it some more and we can talk more later, ok? This is going nowhere." She just kept shaking her head. I got up and started for the door.
I felt my mother grab me by the arm. She actually shouted, "Sit your ass back down here! I'm not through with you yet! We are going to keep at this until either you give in or I do! No halfway points, no stopping until we are both in complete agreement!"
I sat back down and let out a big sigh. We'd never come to an agreement. I began to think I'd have to lie and start agreeing with her or I'd spend the rest of my life in that bathroom. I wondered what the rest of them were thinking in the front room. I thought they might have been wondering if mom had flipped her cork then I remembered how they had acted. They were just as eager for me to see what they were talking about as mom was.
"I'm trying to remember back." mom was mumbling. "I went through this same exact thing. I can't quite put my finger on what it was that made me finally realize that I was every bit as good as anyone that had ever been born or ever will be born. I'm not a religious person. I was brought up in an orphanage. They taught us all this church stuff and I wasn't really too interested. You know how that goes. They always want to MAKE you believe. If you don't they start telling you all about all this fire and brimstone jazz. That just turned me off to religion.
"I got passing grades in it and all but I was just going through the motions. It wasn't doing anything for me. I think it was the last year we had to take it that I got this really good instructor. Some bald headed guy. Mr. Fird. He had this joke about being bald (he was completely hairless on top) he said he didn't mind it. It just gave him a lot more face to wash every morning. He was sharp.
"I was taking a little more interest in his class, but, like I said, I was just going through the motions. One day he told me something that I remember still. He was trying to explain why we had to learn what he was throwing at us (and he'd pile it on). He said we had to learn all that stuff so that we could put it to one side and decide for ourselves if it was right or not. What one of us believed might not be right for the next one to believe.
"I can tell you what I believe but it might not be right for you, Cookie."
"That's what I've been saying all along, mom. You have a soul and I don't."
"That's not what I'm talking about, Cookie. You've got to have all the facts first, then you can make a logical conclusion. The dweebs have crammed this idea that some people aren't as good as others down your throat all your life. When you were a kid other kids told you this shit and you just believed them. You made up your mind without giving it any thought. All you knew was that was what the older kids were saying so it just had to be right. So you started saying it and other kids, the younger kids, learned it from you and so on.
"I used to be a kid myself and I can still remember what it was like. All the insecurity. All kids are all alone. They don't know anything. The way we raise our kids is to let them do whatever they want then tell them, 'well, this was the right thing to do' or 'this was bad'. I remember I was always looking for that one truism that would fit every situation so I would know to always do that one correct thing and I'd always be right. When we grow up we find out that truism is: 'There are exceptions to all rules'. Which is another way of saying there's no such thing as a do-all, fix-al, always-right truism. 'There are no easy answers'.
"What I'm trying to say is; somewhere along the line you've got to pick up that piece of information that five-year-old Sally Snot nose gave to you one day in the sandbox at pre-school and look at it again and decide, now that you have more of the facts, if that is true or not. You were told by Sally that CBs don't have souls. I'm asking you to look at that again because I happen to think she was wrong."
I sat there and thought about what mom was saying. She was right. I had never heard it put like that. I liked it. She hadn't told me what the answer was (even though I knew what she wanted it to be).
She had just reminded me that perhaps it was time to look at it again. That perhaps I had allowed myself to be misinformed. What absolute proof did I have that I had no soul? Even the 'others' thought they were going to be admitted into the afterlife. The word soul doesn't necessarily mean a physical part. Actually it is used to describe the part that is not physical. It is the quintessence of a person.
This was big. Almost too big to think about. Too big to decide on all at once. I could see the light. I could see where I might be able to believe. To believe that everybody else was wrong. To believe that I alone was the only person who was qualified to decide if I had a soul or not and if I had an afterlife.
I looked at my mom wide-eyed. This was scary stuff!
The whole book in zipfile format.
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