I woke. There was light coming in from outside. I could hear people talking softly. I sat up in bed bleary-eyed. It took a minute for me to find myself. I was in Toni's home.
It was a large garage and it was half full with junk. The bed was in the rear corner. In the other corner had a screen around a bare necessities bathroom. Between the bed and the bath was the door I had entered through the night before. Closer towards the front, where the door for a car to come through was located, was an area that served as a kitchen. The rest of the floor space served as living space and storage space.
I could see Toni talking to two young men in the living/storage area. I got up and padded behind the curtain where the bathroom was. I did my business and emerged looking for something to put on. Toni was sitting on some boxes of old clothing that served as a sort of a couch. One of the guys was sprawled across a pile of bags filled with cloth. The other guy I recognized as Sid, the percussion board operator, from the bar. He was clad only in his underwear. The other guy only had on his jeans. Toni was filling out a t-shirt like the one I had on, only black.
This is hard to capture. It sounds kind of low brow, post sex, grungy. It wasn't. The atmosphere was more of a casual brother/sister sort of a thing. These were good friends who could sit around in their underwear and just talk and be themselves. There was a quiet warmness, a kinship quality to the scene before me. I wanted to be a part of it. I was still vacillating over what to do for something to wear when Toni looked up.
"Come on over here, Sue. I want you to meet Dick. There's some java on the stove and we have some cookies here to calm your stomach."
"Thank you, good morning."
"'Morning Sue, I'm Dick--that's short for dickhead." the stranger introduced himself smiling.
I screwed up my courage or maybe it was my prudishness and got myself a cup of what Toni had called java then walked over to where she was seated on the make-do couch. I sat down careful not to expose myself. I had never been so lightly clad in front of strangers before. It just seemed like the thing to do is that situation. I tucked the tail of the shirt between my legs and took a tenative sip of the java. It was coffee. I wished I had some cream and sugar to put in it but it was hitting the spot just fine the way it was.
"Here, eat something." Toni instructed me. "You still have gas water in your stomach. If you drink very much of anything it will be just like drinking a gas water for breakfast and you'll get high all over again."
"Really? I didn't know that." I said as I grabbed a cookie.
"When you've been drinking as long as I have you learn these things." Toni explained smiling. "How are you feeling this morning, or should I say this noon?"
"How late is it?" I asked. "Do you have a phone I can call home on?"
"It's about 14:45." Sid told me as he looked at his watch.
"There's no phone, Sue." Toni advised me.
"Call home? How old are you...Sue." Dick asked.
"Seventeen, Dick."
"You still have to report in to your folks like that?"
"Cool it dickhead!" Toni told him. "That's her bussiness!"
"Sorry. No offense intended. What I was trying to say was you look more mature than that."
"No problem. Thanks." I told him. My head was not feeling too well. I ate another cookie.
"I told them that you had just found out you were a CB, Sue. I hope that's cool."
"It's ok."
"How'd that happen?" Dick wanted to know.
I took a warm sip of my coffee. It tasted good as it mixed with the cookie in my mouth. "I was adopted and didn't know it. When I got my driver's permit I found out. Then I looked up the records on my real mom and dad and found out I was a CB."
"Bummer!" Dick commented.
I wasn't sure if he was sincere or pulling my leg.
"Didn't your adopted parents know what you were?" Sid asked. "If you don't mind talking about it?"
"I don't mind. Yes, they knew what I was, but I think they thought they could just forget about it and it would go away or something. I can understand how they hoped that it didn't mean anything."
"Bummer!" Dick repeated. "So what are you going to do? Are you running away or what?"
"I don't know. The folks still want to pretend everything is fine. The school shrink, Dr. Watts, wants me to expose myself as a CB. Myself, I wish I could just move out and start over--maybe. I'm not really sure what I want to do."
"Don't pretend." Sid advised me. "If you try to live like someone you're not then it will catch up to you, ask Ann."
"Ann? I'm Sue Ann." I explained. I figured Sid must have forgotten my name then I wasn't sure if he knew my whole name or not.
"I'm Ann, kinda." Toni told me. She let that sink in for a minute. "Get it? Ann-Toni?"
I looked at her blankly.
"A.n.t.h.o.n.y?" she repeated slowly for me.
I still didn't get it.
"Anthony? I'm a guy--or at least I was."
I had no idea what she was talking about.
"She used to be Anthony Franklin Jones before her first revamp." Sid explained.
Dick was about to turn inside out. He was enjoying my confusion.
I looked at Toni with my mouth wide open. I shut it. There were those who had sex changes done at the time of revamping. I don't know if it was that or the fact that Toni was a lot older than I thought she was that had taken me more by surprise.
Was she a she or a he? I remember some kid in school talking about gays or crossdressers or something. We had been unsure how to refer to this one person so this kid said something like; "she/ he/ it--that's sheheit--shit!"
I looked at her and tried to find something to say. I was surprised to hear she had been a guy. It might explain some of the way she had acted towards me the night before (the way she had been putting her arm arround my shoulders and the way she had held me when we had gone to bed). I didn't know, she had been a perfect gentleman. What was I thinking! She had been wonderful towards me. Opps, I mean she had been a true friend. There was so much garbage in my head! So much that I had presuposed about (what were they called?) transexuals. Toni had won my repect. I would not hurt her (him?).
I knew I was gawking at her. I had to find something to say that would let her know I still considered her my friend. I had a momentary impulse to tell her I was so surprised because I hadn't thought she was old enough to gotten a revamp. That would be pretentious. If I wanted her as a friend I would have to be one to her.
"I'm sorry if I'm staring. I had no idea. Tell me about it, please."
"It's a long story, Sue. To make it short let's just say I was born male. I thought something was wrong, that I should be female. Being a CB I was very depressed living what little bit of a life I had in the wrong body. I heard that they could do a sex change for me when I got revamped. As you might imagine most CB's wait as long as possible to have thier revamps so they can have the maxium number of years to live. I took my first revamp when I was only twenty--the first year I was elegible. I laugh everytime I think what it cost the state. Anyway I became a woman. What Sid was refering to about not pretending was the way I had pretended to be a man when I didn't really feel like one on the inside."
"That's mind boggeling." I told Toni.
"It gets worse."
"How?"
Toni was looking at the roof and remembering. "After I got changed I believe the masculine side of me re-emerged. Guys are always turned on sexually, right?"
"I've heard that." I agreed.
"Well I started getting turned on all the time from looking at myself in the mirror. I went out and became the biggest whore you ever heard of. I was always turned on and if I wasn't all I had to do was look at my own legs or play with my boobs. I went wild for years. Finally I noticed that it didn't matter who I was with, I just wanted to get in the bed. After awhile the guys noticed that too and they avoided me, except for the scumbags that didn't care about themselves--or me. Half the guys that would go with me would beat the hell out of me."
I looked at her in awe.
Toni smilled at me. "Then I met this guy, Gary. He was a straight shooter. There was something there right from the start. He came into my life and swept me off of my feet. We got married and raised a boy. We were a real family. Then disaster struck. Gary was sent to prison for something he didn't do. Nothing unusual there for a CB. I was told he was killed in a fight in prison. You probily know we CB's have a reputation for killing our own. Our boy was killed durring a robery attempt when he was nineteen--"
She had told us more than she had planned on. I put my arm around her and comforted her.
"It's alright." Toni told me bravely. "That all happened a long time ago. I didn't mean to get so upset. Life goes on."
I looked at her. She looked younger than me and I was only seventeen. She had been twenty gotten a revamp, raised a son until he was nineteen, and that had been a long time ago? Was she putting me on on? I didn't think so. The girl, um woman, I held in my arms was genuinely hurting.
I looked to Dick. He was looking uncomfortable and picking his nose.
Sid had his hand on Toni's shoulder. "I didn't know it still hurt that bad. I'm sorry I brought it up."
"Not your fault, Sid. I'm ok."
I looked at her. What an ass I was! I had thought I had such big problems. Toni had lost her husband and her son.
"Life as a CB isn't all it's cracked up to be." Sid explained. "Take Dick there, he's lost his whole family."
"Good ridance!" Dick nearly exploded.
I was curious. What had happened to him? I decided not to ask. I didn't want to cause any more bad memories to be recalled for my benifit.
"I'm acting like a dweeb, Sue." Toni told me.
I shook my head in objection.
"Yes I am. This is old news. CB's are always killing and hurting CB's and when we get tired of it there's the police to do it for us. It's a bad system that's why we have to party every chance we get. Sid, be a doll and get me that bag out of the cooler."
Sid gave Toni the bag. She pulled out a bottle of liquor. She had a container of pills that had been stuffed in the folds of the couch. She poured herself a shot in her coffee and drank it down with some pills. Sid poured a drink for me, Dick, and himself then he passed arround the pills. "Green meanies." he told me.
I held up my hand to let him know I didn't care for any. He shrugged and downed one. Dick also didn't want any. It was kinda early in the day to start drinking but I drank what had been poured in my cup. It was almost sickning sweet and burned going down.
Toni was smilling at me. "Don't pretend." she reiterated. "You've gotten an advantage most of us have never had--a happy home. I don't know how long that will last. You'd better enjoy it while you can and be grateful for what you had."
"Bullshit!" Dick swore. "Sometime some of your dweeb friends are going to find out about you and when they do they'll put you through as much hell as they can. Not only will they hate you for being a CB but for fooling them. They can't stand that. They take it personal. Have you ever been with a regular guy in bed?"
I hesitated to answer. What bussiness was it of Dick's? I thought about it. He wasn't being nosey. He was trying to get the facts. I think he wanted to help me, in his own way. "Yea--I know what you're going to say. They aren't going to be happy finding out they went to bed with a CB. I didn't know at the time. I can explain it."
"That won't do you any good." Sid told me. "I heard of one guy killing this girl and using the fact that she was a CB to defend himself in court--and won!"
I looked at him worried. I had been with three different guys. One of them had a bad temper and had a reputation for holding a grudge. He was big too. I didn't know if he would be mad enough to do something to me. We were talking about someone maybe wanting to kill me. I wished I had taken one of Toni's pills after all. It wouldn't have protected me but at least I wouldn't have been feeling so bad at that moment.
"Stop it, you guys!" Toni barked. "There's no need to scare her. She just needs some help."
"Sorry." Sid appologized.
"Me too." Dick agreed.
"Not your fault." I told them. Sid was pouring himself another drink. I held out my cup for a refill.
"You know you won't be able to get a decent job in the dweeb world. If you live on this side of town at least you can make a fair buck without working all the time." Dick coached me.
"I'm still in school, Dick."
"Why?"
"I don't know. I know you're right about getting a good job. All of those go to church members and I just got kicked out the day before yesterday."
"You've been to church?"
"Sure, Dick. Like I said I had no idea I was a CB until last week."
"What's church like?" Toni wanted to know.
"Don't you have any church?" I asked.
"No Sue, Why would a CB go to church?"
"Hmmm...You're right. I don't know. Why do you want to know what it's like at church?"
"I guess because I've never been allowed in one. What do they do?"
"They talk about how it will be in the next life and what to do to be sure you are on good terms with God when you get there. You've read the bible haven't you?"
"What's that?" Dick wanted to know.
"It's some book they study to learn about what's good and what's not. Right Sue?" Toni voluteered.
It was obvious she had devoted a lot of thought to what she thought went on inside a church. Why? "Yeah, something like that."
"Let's change the subject." Dick complained. "I don't want to hear about this. If I can't have it then I don't want to know about it!"
"Sorry." I told him. It was depressing me too. "Hey! Let me ask you about something. My driver's permit has been getting me in trouble ever since I got it. Do any of you carry yours?"
Sid laughed out loud and so did Dick. Toni was amused too. "I've never had one of those. If you're a CB you'd better get used to walking or taking the bus. All that thing will do is get you busted."
"No. Don't say that!" Sid insisted. "As long as she lives on her side of town and doesn't act like one of us and the man is taking advantage of her then she might be able to have a car and drive it. It wouldn't do any of us any good. I've got one myself but all I use it for is when I go down to collect welfare."
"You're on welfare?" I asked Sid. He looked like such a young healthy person. Surely he could find lots of work.
"Sure! I'm not going to get a job working eight hours a day for next to nothing. It's smarter for me to just sit on my butt and collect off the public dole."
"I'm on welfare too." Dick admited happily.
"I wish I was." Toni said. "I can't collect. That's why I sell pills. That's why I live in an old beat up garage."
"Can't you find jobs that pay enough to let you get ahead some?"
"Not down here. All the jobs pay so bad that you go in the hole trying to work." Sid explained. "I get 360 credits a month from welfare. That's about 100 credits a week. If I get a job I can make 250 crdits a week but about half of that will have to be spent in keeping the job so I'll only be making 125 credits a week. That's 25 credits more than if I just sit on my can. I'm not waisting 40 hours of my life every week for 25 credits! That's stupid, Sue!"
"Sid, why do you think it will cost you 125 credits a week to keep your job?"
"That's just a good rule-of-thumb. You always spend about halh of your pay on any job just to have that job. You have to buy an alarm clock, special clothes, shoes then there's the meals you have to buy on the run and transportation. If I could get 350 a week then I would have 175 a week to enjoy. That's 75 more credits than welfare. That would be worth the effort. If I could get a job like that. You have to be connected. Even then when you are doing your best to get ahead along comes the man and busts you."
"Who's the man?"
"The police. Toni tells me they got you saturday."
"Yea, they said I was reckless driving, left the scene of an accident, and resisted arrest. Toni said it'll cost 5000 credits to buy out of."
"Shit! What I couldn't do with 5000 crdits!" Dick remarked.
"That's another thing." Toni added. "If you don't have anything they can't take it away from you."
"Yea!" Sid agreed.
"What can we do?" Toni asked me.
I had to think on that. They say once you are down it's hard to get back up. What could I do to keep myself out of poverty. In less than a year I would be fending for myself. Would I have to spend my life on welfare? I could do so much more if only the system would let me.
The whole book in zipfile format.
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