shevette's book!
Book #2 of three
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shevette's book!Book #2 of three
CHAPTER 7 |
"Because I know that I am a clone baby and I know I can't have a soul. Why did you hide this from me all these years? Didn't you think I would ever find out? Didn't you think it was important?"
"Don't be smart to your mother!"
"I'm not being smart, damn it! I'm trying to talk to you as a finking adult! Cut the parent crap for a minute, will you! Don't you think I can think on my own? I know a little too. I'm not stupid!"
"Watch your mouth. If you want to talk like that go in the other room, Sue!"
"Maybe that's what I should do, dad. You don't seem to be hearing a thing that I'm saying! I'm an adult. I'm only as old as I am but I've had to grow up all of a sudden. You can listen to me talk the way I want to or I'll just get out of here and leave you alone."
"What do you think you're proving by talking to us that way, Sue?" mom wanted to know.
I looked at her for a minute. I mean looked her in the eye. She stared right back into mine. She didn't have a clue. I was talking about not having a soul and she...hell both of them were more worried about a few swear words I had used. There sat mom staring back into my eyes like she was proving how much she was in charge over me. I looked back to dad. He was staring angrily at me.
What was their problem? Couldn't they see that I was...was..a clone baby. Shit! Of course! That was it! To them it was old news. They had known I was a clone baby ever since the state had offered me to them for adoption. They were wondering why I was having such a problem all of a sudden. They had known. They had had time to adjust, to accept it. They wanted to know why I was so slow.
Gee! Thanks! I should just accept this and go on and be a good child. Yea, finish school and get a job. Work for the good of the colony! Live a full life then die. They'll sweep me up and the next clone baby will be there to take my place. A never ending cycle.
I wouldn't be a part of it! I didn't know what I would do or what I could do, but I did know what I wouldn't do! I wouldn't work my life away so that others could reap the bennifits of my labor! I made up my mind right there to never do another thing just to please someone else. I would live my life for me!
"If you are through I'd like to go to my room..." I told my parents.
"No we aren't..." dad began.
"Well I am! See ya!"
"Hey come back here!"
"Look, dad, You don't have anything that I want to hear and I don't have anything to say that you'll listen to so let's make it easy on each other and stop now, ok?"
He raised his hand to slap me. I didn't flinch. If he wanted to hit me then fine. It would end this ordeal. I would be able to go to my room. He never did finish the swing. I sat there giving him the time to decide what he wanted to do. He didn't hit me. He didn't decide to not hit me. He just didn't decide. I did. I got up and went to my room.
***
I took a shower. I was feeling particularly dirty. It wasn't from the grime I had been in. Some of it had come from inside the police car. Most of it had come from the conversation/confrontation downstairs. I didn't bother dress. I lay across the bed. If anyone knocked on the door I would be able to send them away because I wasn't presentable.
I should have been figuring out what to do next, planning. I just lay there and thought of nothing. I was lost. I was a prisoner in my own bedroom. I don't know how long I just laid there. I was not in the world.
I heard a knock on my door.
"Who is it?" I called.
"It's me!" mom answered. "Let me in. I want to talk to you!"
"I'm not dressed!"
"I don't care. You don't have anything I haven't seen before."
"I'm really tired. I'm about to go to sleep."
"Young lady you open this door now or I'll go get your father and he'll break it open. What will it be?"
"Ok, ok, get off my back! I'll open the damned door if I have to. All I wanted was some privacy!" I grumbled as I opened the door.
Mom stood there with her hands on her hips. I went back and put on my robe. She came into the room and sat on the bed. Her hand patted the bed next to her indicating that I should sit there. I sat on the chair on the other side of the bed. Mom turned around and faced me.
"Sue, we've been through a lot together but we've always helped each other before. That was part of what got us through whatever we had to do. Now you don't even want to talk to your father or me. You are rude to us and you've used some words I don't remember ever hearing in this house before. We are here to help you. Please believe that. Will you just talk to me? What's wrong that we can't even talk?"
"I feel much better now." I lied. "We could talk but you know what I'm going to say and I already know what you and dad are going to try to tell me. Why don't you both just leave me alone? I've got to work this out on my own."
"Sure, you can do that. If you need time to think that's alright. If you want to talk to either of us that's alright too. We're ready to bend over backwards to help you every way we can."
"Thank you. May I get to sleep now?"
Mom got huffy as soon as she saw that I just wanted her to leave. "You can handle this anyway you want but there are certain rules in this house you have to go by. You don't go run..."
"Hey! I heard you the first time! How about letting me be by myself--like you promised!"
Mom was up off the bed, around it, and had slapped my face before I knew what she was going to do.
"Will you listen to me! Where'd you get this attitude? You don't talk to me like that in my own house young lady! Now you're grounded! You go to school then you come home and you stay in this room. You don't come out for anything! If you give us one more moment of grief I'll call for the police to lock you up myself! Do you understand me?"
I looked up at her from the chair hurt. I licked at the blood from my lip. I hated her! How dare she slap me when I was so upset over finding out I wasn't real. How quickly the vernier had been stripped away. This was how she had felt about me all along. She had only tolerated having a clone baby in the house as long as everything went the way she wanted it to. Now that I had found out what I was she was ready to lay down the law on me.
"And don't you dare start acting up around Shela. I swear I'll knock the stuffing out of you if you do! Do you understand me?" she said angrily. She raised her hand to strike me again.
"Yes!" I said to keep her from hitting me.
She swung at the air and left. My door was slammed shut. I cried softly to myself. Something about crying makes you feel a little better and helps to clear your head. I vowed to run away at the first opportunity.
***
The next day dad had to take me to school to explain why I had been cutting classes and why I had gotten into trouble the day before.
Wait! Stop! I said "dad". That was wrong. I never wanted to think of Edward Tegor as my father again. If I thought of calling him dad or daddy it was an insult, sarcasm. I hated my parents. They had let me down. I had forgiven them for making me adopted but how could I forgive them for making me unreal. I know, it wasn't their fault. That's all well and good. I see that. I understand that. Look at it from my point of view. It wasn't my fault was it? Really, you tell me! What had I done to be told, "Hey guess what, you're not ours and, by the way, you don't have a soul either!"
I wasn't being unfair and just hating my parents. I have always tried to be fair. I hated the whole world too. What the hell, the whole world hated me.
When we got to school I had to act nice so Mr. Fellows would let me back in school. I got another lecture on how good I was and how that alone was why I wasn't being expelled. Yeh, yeh, yeh. Gee thanks Mr. Fellows. What a true humanitarian you think you are.
I finally got rid of dad and went to my first class. I was relieved to have some time to myself. I ignored the teacher. I was trying to develop some kind of a plan for running away. I had made a fool of myself the day before. I had to be prepared. Prepared for what? I didn't know what was out there. I had proven that. I knew how to study for a test but there were no books for leaving home and starting your own life. In another year I would be eighteen and could legally leave home if I wanted but the idea of waiting that long was something I couldn't face. I was dreading going home that night.
I believe in talking over my problems with my friends. When I would need information I would go to all kinds of people and ask for their advice. I might not take it. Just because you ask someone what is the best car to own doesn't mean you are going to get whatever kind of a car they recommend. You might want something sporty and they might want something with a big trunk. You don't know until you ask. And just because you don't do like they say they would do is no reason for them to take it as an affront. Right? They should take it as a compliment that you sought thier ideas. You are saying, "I'm not sure of my own mind on this so tell me what your mind tells you."
Who would I talk this over with? No one! I didn't want it getting out that I wasn't real, that I was planning of leaving home. Where was I to turn? I thought and thought and finally it hit me. I was a clone baby, a CB, right? Go to the people who know, who have had simular expiriances...other CB's! The whole first floor was covered up with them! I'd wait until break and find some Cb's and ask them about people they knew who had taken off. Seek and ye shall find!
Class drug on forever. I thought I would die before break and dying was something that had a great deal more meaning for me. I saw some of my friends and they wanted to know what had happened to me. I put them off and made my way to the first floor.
The people down there were scary just to look at. They were all wearing fake black leather trimed in chrome chains and silver buttons. The hair styles were shabby and grotesque. The make up the girls were wearing was either missing or overdone. There was this one girl that caught my eye. She didn't seem as dangerious as the rest and she looked like she might have some sense. I walked over and introduced myself.
"Hello, my name is Sue. What's yours?"
"What's it to ya', Sue. You writting a book or something? Get out of my face, ya dweeb!"
"What's a dweeb?"
"You are. Now are you going to move or..."
I was getting the point. We had abused the CB's and they felt like it was thier duty to abuse the real people. I turned arround hopping to get out of there in a hurry when I ran into a girl who was standing right behind me.
"Look out, dweeb!" she shouted in my face and pushed me into the first girl.
I was pushed from behind back into the second girl. I was in real trouble. I got my balence. The second girl had taken a step back and was standing in a fighting stance. I raised my hands to show her that I didn't want to fight her.
"I'm sorry, ok?"
"Damned straight you're sorry, dweeb, but you're not as sorry as you're gonna be!"
"Look, I don't want a fight. Let me go and that'll be the end of it, ok?"
"Are you threatening me, dweeb?"
"No. Let me go, please."
"What are you doing here? You want to make fun of someone? Huh? Are you a servant or something?"
"I don't know. What's that?"
"I'll ask the questions, dweeb. Why are you here? You're not a CB--not a real one anyway."
"I don't understand."
"I believe you. Why are you here?"
"uh...I'm writting a book...an article for the school paper.." I lied stealiing a line from girl number one.
"Really? I ain't never had someone write an article about me before. What'cha gonna call it?"
"Um...ah, it's going to be about uh..clothing. Where do you, I mean...where did you get an outfit like that?"
"My clothes...this? Shit! I made it myself. You like it?"
"Yes. A lot of people have become interested in leather." I got out. I didn't know if I was getting in deeper or sqirming my way out. There was a crowd forming arround the two of us. I got the impression they were there to watch a fight. I swallowed hard. "Everbody is talking about leather being the next fashion fad. I'm here to get a feel for where the best outfits are coming from. That looks..cool. May I ask where you buy clothes like that?"
"Are you being funny or what?"
"No! No, I didn't offend you did I? Let me appoligize. I'm sorry. I like the way you're dressed....Really!"
The girl was sizing me up. She was shorter than me but I took no comfort from that. I was sure she knew how to fight well. I had never gotten into anything worse than a hair pulling contest when some girl in seventh grade had said something bad about Shela. I stood there quaking in my boots while this other girl stood relaxed and calm. She was deciding if I was worth the trouble to beat up.
"You want something down here. I don't know what it is. I'm sure it's not information on my clothier. You interest me. Ok, I like you. What do you really want, dweeb?"
I looked arround nerviously. "I want to talk. Interested?"
"Sure we can talk. C'mon in here!" She said indicating the girls restroom.
"No! Not in there. Outside, on the walkway. Alone."
"Ok cutie, lead the way..."
We went outside. I was still scared but I had to get some information so I could leave home. I would have to tell this perfect stranger that I wasn't real and hope she wouldn't spread it arround.
"Look, I don't mean you any harm. I just need some information. Can I talk to you and get some straight answers? I don't want to waste your time and I don't want you to waste mine either. Ok?"
She laughed to herself. "Ok, dweeb. Let's hear your story. I'm not guaranteeing anything but let's have it."
"Ok, I've got this friend who just found out she's a CB and she wants to join a gang. How can she do it?"
"Your 'friend'? Get with the program! Alright! 'She' wants to join a gang? Hmmm...Have her come down to the first floor and I'll see that she gets an interview. Hah!"
"Shit, never mind. I'm sorry I wasted your time. I'll se ya'." I replied hotly. All I was getting was a run arround when I needed some help. How about all those times I had helped someone else. I could use a return here! I turned on my heal and started back to the lunchroom. I would have another class soon.
"Hey, hold it. Don't get yer panties in a bunch! Let's start again. You don't bullshit me about some friend you don't have and I won't laugh at you..."
I turned and glared at the girl. "Look, this is hurting me like crazy. I'm not here for your amusment. If you'll talk to me I'd be very grateful. I'd even pay you. If you think I'm just joking arround then tell me and we can both get on with our lives. What'll it be?"
"Calm down, you quite shitting me and I'll quit shitting you. What do you need to know? My name's Toni, by the way."
"Hi, I'm Sue. I can't tell you who but I do know someone that found out that she is a CB. She's real upset and she wants to get away from her home. What should she do?"
"What informatin do you think I can give you, Sue?"
"Well she tried to run away from home and the police picked her up in hours."
"Why'd she run away from home?"
"Her folks adopted her and she's a CB. They didn't tell her."
"So?"
"Don't you see? She can't live at home with them any more."
"Why not?"
"You seem to be asking all the questions, Toni. Are you going to help me or what?"
"I'll help. I'm not yankin' ya'. Tell me more so I can see what the problem is."
"Ok. She wants to get out and start living her life. She doesn't want to go to school. She doesn't want to get a job and spend her whole life working."
"This person is you, isn't she, Sue?"
"If it makes it easier to visualize you could say it was me."
"It does. Why don't you just do like everyone tells you to do. Your life will be easier if you do. Don't you know that?"
"No! I've got to get out and start living. How do I know I'll still be here next year or even next week. I don't have time to waste!"
"What's wrong with going to school? I go to school. The whole first floor goes to school and we're all CB's. What makes you so special?"
"I'm not special. I just have to get out there and start living. Why do you go to school?"
"Why not?"
"Toni, don't start that again on me. You know what I mean! Why aren't you out there laying every guy you can. You should be laying in the sun, dancing all night long, having fun!"
"Hah! You're rich!"
"Don't laugh at me!"
"Ok, sorry Sue. What says you can't have fun in school or living at home?"
"No. If I was to die right now I would have missed most of life. Well I don't think I'm going to die today (maybe) so I feel a need to get busy living. Why aren't you? Is there something that I'm not seeing?"
"What do you want me to tell you?"
"How to get away from home."
"Just leave!"
"What I mean is what am I going to do for a place to stay? What about something to wear? How can I get money?"
"You're serious aren't you?"
"Yes, of course!"
"Ok Sue, let me think."
"Um. Why are you in school? Why do all these CB's go to school everyday?"
"Don't worry about me. I'm a special case. As far as these servants go they think they aren't as good as the real people so they come in here and get a dose of abuse everyday. They're as bad as dweebs."
"I don't understand you. What's a 'servant' or a 'dweeb'?"
"There's a whole CB slang. You'll hear people called dweebs a lot. That's the straight world. All of those people out there working themselves to death. I would guess your family are dweebs--you sure dress like one. No insult intended..."
"None taken."
"Servants are CB's that try to be more like a dweeb than a dweeb. There are yuks. They are CB's that pretend they have a soul even though they know one or more of thier folks had clone baby making parts."
"That's interesting but I don't care about that."
"You'd better, Sue, if you want to get into a gang then you'd better be able to talk thier lingo."
"Could I get into a gang?" I asked hopefully.
"Don't even think it. You're such a dweeb they'd bash in your head just to see if anything was in there or not."
"Thanks."
"No problem. What you need is training."
"Training?"
"Yeh, I could train you but it would take too much of my time. You need a professionial."
"A professional? What do you mean, Toni?"
"JV hall. Juvie. Juvenile. You get yourself in some trouble right?"
"Ok?"
"You get arrested. They carry you to court."
"Yeah?"
"The judge thinks you need some help so he put you in juvenile hall so you will learn your lesson."
"I don't want to do that, Toni."
"Yeh you do! When you're in there you'll meet some of the best people to meet to get the scivey on how to live on the street."
"Really?"
"Yeah, you make friends and they'll help you."
"I don't know. I don't want to get locked up."
"Quite thinking like a dweeb! Dweebs are afraid to get locked up because they're worried about thier stinking record. Your records are already messed up--or, at least, they will be when you become eighteen and they start stamping 'NS' on all of your ID's."
"N S ?"
"No Soul, chowderhead."
"Oh. Don't call me a chowderhead. Please."
"Get used to it, Sue. When you start living like a CB you'll learn we all take shots at everyone."
"I thought CB's just made fun of regular people?"
"We roust everyone. Say it 'roust'."
"'Roust'. Why do you do that?"
"To remind everyone that they are all just so much shit. You are shit. I am shit. It would be terrible if the dweebs out there didn't get reminded that they are shit too."
"Why does everyone have to be shit?"
"Why do CB's have to be a lower life form than dweebs?" By putting us down they have lowered themselves."
"Hmmmm. You're right there. But why can't we just roust them?"
"That's the right word, good! It would be bad if they forgot that they are shit but it would be even worse if we forgot it. They can get through life anyway they want. They'll have plenty of time later in the hereafter. We have been charged with having fun now, Sue."
"Well why are you still in school?"
"I'm not. I sell pills to these servants so they can pretend they are already having fun and everthing is alright in thier tiny fucked up lives. I come in here most days and all the staff thinks I'm just another student. What a joke. If only they knew!"
"Knew what?"
"Remind me and I'll tell you sometime. Right now you had better get ready for your next class and I had better get out of this place and get some sleep. I was up all last night partying."
"Wait! When will I see you again?"
"I'll be here, on the first floor, servicing my clientelle, durring lunch most days."
"I'll see you then, Toni."
"Ok, that'd be fine. I kinda like you, Sue. Do yourself a favor though."
"What?"
"Wear something black so the kids won't roust you so bad."
"Ok, something black. Does that have any special meaning?"
"It shows that we are in mourning."
"I don't get it, Toni."
"In mourning for our ownselves."
"Yeh, I see. What about the leather? And the chains and stuff?"
"Later. You've got to go. Didn't you hear the warning bell?" Toni asked as she began to walk off.
"Thanks!" I called after her.
"Fuck off!" she called back. I looked at her surprised. She was rousting me!
"Up yours!" I called to her. I hoped that was what I was suposed to do. I looked one last time to be sure I hadn't done something wrong. I knew that if I had she would have no worries about walking back to where I was and punching me out. She was still just walking away.
I turned happily back to the stairs and began to go to the second floor. I had made a friend, of sorts, and I had a source of information. I would be able to get away from my dweeb family. I smiled to myself after calling them that. I would be glad to get out in the world. What was thier problem? Why had they tried to raise me like I was real? I supose they had thought they were giving me a gift by treating me as good as one of them. Gee thanks, don't give people something they like knowing you will have to take it back from them some day. No! That was life, it was given to you and it would be taken back too. "Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."
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