shevette's book!
Book #2 of three
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shevette's book!Book #2 of three
CHAPTER 10 |
I was in my room. I was more tired than I had ever been in my life it felt like. I got undressed and took a quick shower. I didn't want to but dad was going to come up and watch over me while I slept. I didn't want to be dirty. I put on some pj's and got into bed. The sheets felt so crisp and cool as they caressed my body. I had taken a sleeping pill downstairs and it should have been kicking in at any moment.
There was a knock at he door. "Can I come in, peaches?" dad wanted to know.
"Please."
He came in quietly and sat in the chair beside my bed.
I extended my hand to him so he could hold it. The butterflies were starting in my stomach. "I feel like such a spoiled brat, dad. I get so scared every time I try to go to sleep. I never knew how important it is to have a soul until I found out I didn't have one."
"It doesn't make any difference, honey."
"Yes it does." I told him weakly. The pill was working I guess. I was so worn out. Sleep was coming and I was almost glad. Was this what it was like when someone died of old age in their bed with all their family standing around? Were they just so tired of death nagging at them hour after hour that they finally welcomed it? I started to say something else. I don't know what it was. the though was never completely born.
I dreamt.
I saw Toni. She was very far away. I went to where she was except when I got there she was my dad somehow. She still looked like herself but she sounded like and acted like dad. She was explaining some complicated math problem to me. We were outside in a park. Two old people came up to us, a man and a woman. They were my real mom and dad. I hugged their necks. They were all wrinkled up and moldy and where I was hugging them parts of them kept falling off. I begged them not to go but they just kept falling apart until they were dust and dirt and the breeze carried them away. I kept crying. I turned around and Toni was walking away except she was god now. She said something about not being there to meet her so she wouldn't give me a soul because I had sinned. I ran after her trying to explain. I fell. When I looked up there was Shela. She had something in her hand. It looked like a doll made to look like me. She was ripping off the arms and legs. It was my soul she was tearing apart. She told me I would never play with her toys again and she ran off carrying the pieces with her. Suddenly I felt this weight on my back. It was mom. She was squeezing the breath out of me and saying something like; "you took my husband from me." I tried to tell her I hadn't but I couldn't breathe. Suddenly I was floating up and mom was saying; "you can't play with my daughter now!" There was a light and I floated towards it. It was like I was in a blackness with this tiny hole letting in the light. I got to the hole very very quickly and as I got to it I could see out and there was the desert that covers nearly all of Seco. I tried to reconize the place but everytime I looked arround the scenery changed so that I was never sure where I was. I fell onto the hot sand. The sky beat down on me. I was burning up with heat. I put my hand down to brace myself so I could get up but the sand swallowed it up to the wrist. I couldn't pull away. Then my dad's face appeared in the sand and his lips moved and he said "Don't worry, I'll protect you!" I told his face to let me up, that he was scaring me. He kept saying, "come to me" and my hand began to sunk in the sand and he was pulling me in and I was begging him to let go.
"Stop it daddy, let me go!" I shouted.
"Relax, honey." Everything's alright." he assured me.
"Give me my hand!" I pleaded.
He let go.
I was in my room. The lights were dim but I could see my dad sitting there looking at me worried.
"Are you alright?" he asked concerned.
I was awake. "What happened?" I asked confused.
"You had a bad dream. It's over now."
I held out my arms and he sat on the bed next to me and we held each other. I cried.
"I had no idea that you were this upset. Your mother and I only wanted you to have the best. I wish I knew what I could do to make all of your fears go away. I wish I could make you my little girl again, but I can't and I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault dad. You and mom are great and you've given me so much. I found out the truth about myself. It is better to know. It would be a shame for me to live my life not knowing that when I died that was it."
"Don't talk about such things, please. Just take it one day at a time. You will adjust. Everything will be fine."
I started to respond then that pill began to go back to work and I fell asleep again. It was great in a way. I could use that pill to let me sleep and it would take me before I could think a lot and have all of those fears rack my brain. I didn't dream this time.
When I woke again the sun was shining in my window. Dad was still in the chair beside my bed. For a moment I was't sure if he and I had talked in the middle of the night or if that had been part of my dream too. I tried to get up quietly and tiptoe to the bathroom.
"You ok, peaches?"
I turned arround and gave him my best smile. "Yeah dad, Thanks for watching over me. It helped." I went to him and took his hand in mine. It was so big and knarled and darker than mine. He had worked hard all of his life to provide for mom and Shela and me. I was very glad all of a sudden that I had come to this house to be raised. I kissed his hand and knelt beside his chair. I rested my head on his knee and scooted arround so I was sitting on the floor. He put his hand in my hair and twirled it with his forefinger. We sat like that for a long time, both of us thinking our own thoughts.
I heard the door open a crack. It was mom peeping in to see if everything was alright. She started to speak but I held up my finger for her to be quiet. I was sure dad was asleep. I didn't want to disturb him. I slid down and slipped out from under his hand as gently as I could. He was out like a light. I scooted across the floor until I was clear of the chair. I got up and grabbed my robe. Mom was all smiles when I went out into the hall with her. We closed the door carefully.
"It looks like you feel better, Sue."
"Yeah mom. That pill knocked me out big time. Let me find a bathroom and I'll meet you in the kitchen. I think I owe you an explanation why I've been acting so flakey."
"Ok. How do peach pancakes sound?"
"That would be great, mom, we haven't had them in ages!"
***
Mom had the pancakes half done by the time I got downstairs--not that it took me that long, she's just such a great cook that she can fix stuff so fast that you wouldn't believe it. She had showed me some of her tricks but the big trick had been being organized. I hadn't begun to be able to do that one.
"Where's Shela?" I asked when I saw the clock. It was nearly thirteen o'clock, two hours before noon.
"She's in her room watching cartoons on the video."
"Good, maybe we can talk. I want to explain why I've been acting the way I have been lately."
"That would be good, honey. There have been to many things on both sides that weren't what we meant to say."
"I know that, mom."
"How long have you been having trouble sleeping?"
"Ever since I found out I was adopted." I looked around to be sure the shrimp wasn't around. I wouldn't want her hearing any of this. "The first night I was just excited, I guess. The next day I got a copy of my real mom's book. Not my real mom! You're my real mom! 'The book written by my 'biological mother' is what I meant to say..."
"Don't worry. I know it's difficult for you to know what to call me."
"It's not difficult exactly, it's just that I don't know what to call her. See?"
Mom nodded her head in sage understanding. She looked older somehow.
"Anyway what I was saying is: I read where I was a clone baby and that really surprised me. I had always just assumed that I was like everyone else. I still can't believe that I'm not real!"
"Please don't call yourself that, Sue."
"Sorry mom. I was so involved with what was going on that I wasn't even aware that I needed sleep. I mean I knew that I was having trouble getting to sleep because I was so afraid that I might die when I did. I just didn't realize how much sleep I was missing. I guess I did just exactly what I shouldn't have done; I turned my back on you and dad. I should have come to you and told you what the problem was. I just...it was...I tried to..." I stopped for... for what? It wasn't a lack of something to say. It was just too embarassing to admit to mom that I felt like I wasn't her daughter. That I was a stranger.
"I understand, Sue. You felt like your father and I had violated a trust by not telling you sooner about being addopted or that your parents didn't have a soul to give you. Oh, that sounds cold!" mom complained.
"It's alright mom. It's the truth and I've got to live with it." I chocked out.
Mom grabbed me and we shared a tearful embrace. "Oh my poor little girl. You don't know how many times I prayed for you to have a soul--for there to be some kind of a mix-up in the records. You were always so alive, so smart, so pretty. How can it be that you don't have the most important thing in the world!" she lamented.
It made me feel bad to hear her say those things. I didn't like it that she was in such pain. I didn't much like it that she was right. We held each other for a minute more then mom bussied herslf with getting the pancakes to the table. They suddenly looked unappetizing. Food was the last thing on my mind.
"Eat!" mom enthused lightly. She was trying to cheer me up. I played with my food. I remembered the first time I had talked her into making pancakes with peaches. She had laughed at me. She knew I had always loved peaches since I was a baby. That's why daddy always called me 'peaches' or his little 'peach'. I looked from my plate over to mom. She was putting on a great show of enjoying her breakfast.
"Mom...soon it will come out that I'm a CB. We've got to do something to protect Shela. I would rather have her think that I was dead than to let her find out what I am. I have to leave."
"No!" she exclaimed dropping her fork onto her plate. "Your father and I have made this home for both of you. I will not hear of sending one of my daughters away just to protect the other one's feelings. You have feelings too!"
"I don't know mom. I feel stuff but not like you and dad and Shela do. I just think I feel them but how could I possibly have real feelings?"
"I don't want to talk about it!"
"We have to mom. It will do no one any good for me to stay here. I refuse to stay and ruin all of your lives. Please let me go. Let me do this one thing to try to begin to repay you for all the things that you have done for me, please."
"I supose you want to just disappear..."
"I guess. I don't know how to do it."
"What do I tell Shela? That you just ran away? Did you join the circus? Maybe you eloped with some boy that we never heard of?"
"Tell her I died."
"Oh my! That would really hurt her. Is that what you want?"
"No! You know I love the little rug rat. Wouldn't it be better to just tell her something where she would know that we would never see each other again? If she finds out I'm a CB, and she will if I stay here, she'll hate my guts. You know that. I can't understand why you and dad don't hate me except you knew all along what I am."
"How will she or anyone else ever find out if you don't tell them, Sue? If you keep this a secret then no one will ever know! You haven't told anyone have you?"
I thought about Toni. I had told her It didn't matter though she wasn't sure who I was. Then I thought about my driver's permit. It was hopeless. The state would always know. It would show up everytime I applied for a job, bought a car, or did anything major. They wanted to keep track of all NS's (No Soul). They would expose me. Not through any direct action--they would just make that information available to those with a need to know. My emoployer. My doctor. The cop who stops me for a parking violation. My dentist. The people I might owe money.
I had never followed it that close before because I didn't think it concerned me, but they probily either start doing that on the eighteenth or twentyth birthday.
"Mom, my driver's permit. It has the letters 'NS' on it--that stands for 'No Soul'."
"What! Let me see! Go get it!"
"I'll wake dad. It's on there I saw it!"
"Go get it! I want to be sure it's not part of something else. Hurry!"
I went quiety back upstairs. I heard the video in Shela's room. It sounded like she had on some music. She was growing up. Soon she'd be with a boy for the first time.
I cracked the door to my room. Dad was still sprawled in the chair. It had been childish for me to ask him to watch over me the night before. He had been sweet to do it for me. We had a special connection. He would always do anything for me if there was anyway he could. Mom was more independant, you had to get her interested first.
I crept to where my purse was laying on the floor. My tennies were still in it. I fished arround and found the card. The letters 'NS' were still there seperate from anything else on the card. They weren't part of something else. They were there to brand me. I was a marked person. It was bad enough that I would die without a soul but why did the state feel the need to point out that I wasn't real? I remembered Mary Murphy. I had answered my own question: why had I pointed out her un-realness? I slipped the card into my shortie bathrobe and went back downstairs.
Mom looked the card over and over. I heard her swear softly to herself once. "Why do they do this!" she demanded aloud. I waited for her to cool down.
"Mom, you see what I'm saying now, don't you?"
"Yes, I guess I do. I don't know what we'll do. Give me some time, I'll have to see what I can come up with. You don't do anything foolish on me, y'hear?" she tried to make it sound like a joke.
"Ok, I promise." I said smiling.
Mom would figure out what was the best thing to do. I felt better. Soon I would be moving out and I wouldn't have to bring shame on my family. Shela would never have to know the truth about me.
"Help me clean up the house and when your father wakes up we can get together and go on a picnic. How's that sound? You can drive. We'll take that red car of yours and drive out to the frontier--somewhere we have never seen before!"
She always knew how to cheer me up. I had been dying to drive my car. I always loved going to the frontier. Every year it got further and futher away. Each time it was more beautiful to see.
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