shevette's book!
Book #2 of three
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shevette's book!Book #2 of three
CHAPTER 9 |
I woke startled. I was in the office outside of Mr. Fellows' office. Mom and dad were both there along with Mr. Fellows and some woman I didn't know.
"Oh! Sorry! I didn't mean to doze off like that. Dad! Mom! How'd you get here so fast?"
"We've been here for an hour, honey." dad told me. "You must have really been exhausted. Are you alright now?"
I tried to sit up straight. My body felt like I had been run over by a truck. I was stiff and I could barely move my neck. There was a blanket draped over me and I felt stuffy. I blinked trying to get my eyes to focus a little better.
"Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't know what happened. I didn't mean to fall asleep in your office, Mr. Fellows. What time is it?"
"It's about two in the afternoon." Mr. Fellows informed me.
I cursed to myself. I had missed seeing Toni! Maybe I would see her Monday. If I didn't get myself expelled!
"Sue, this is Dr. Watts. I don't know if you have met before or not..." Mr. Fellows told me.
"Hi Sue. No, we haven't seen each other, have we?" said the woman. I'd heard of her. She was the school shrink. She had a good reputation of helping kids when they needed it.
"No we haven't, Dr. Watts."
"Fran. Call me Fran, please."
"Thank you. What's going on here?"
"Mr. Fellows wants you and your father and mother to have a little talk with me. Something is bothering you and we want to help."
"What? Now?"
"Yes, we're all here so why not, ok Sue?"
"Ok." Everyone was trying to help me. How futile. What I needed was a soul. They couldn't help with that. A tear escaped my eye.
We went into Dr. Watts' office, except for Mr. Fellows who returned to his own office. I still couldn't believe that I had fallen asleep like that. I still felt tired. We were seated with me alongside Fran's desk and my folks in front of her desk. I had the place of honor. I was the patient.
"Ok, let's get started." Fran began. "This is just an informal talk to see what is going on. Sue has suddenly started cutting classes, staying out of school, running away from home, causing a disturbance in what classes she goes to, and now falling asleep outside Mr. Fellows' office. A week ago she was a model student in accelerated classes pulling down just about straight A's. Something has gone wrong. Something that has Sue very upset. Something that she is having trouble dealing with.
"Sue would you like to tell me what it is?"
"No! I can't. It's too personal."
"Sue whatever is said in this office is confidential. Nothing you say will ever leave this office if you don't want it to."
"I don't care. I don't want to talk about it."
"Mr. Tegor, do you know what has your daughter so upset that she can't talk about it?"
"Yes, I think I do. I don't blame her. It is family bussiness."
"Do you think we should let her go on the way she has been going? It's obvious to me that she is having trouble. Shouldn't you and I as adults be trying to help her?"
"Don't say anything, Ed!" mom cut in. "Dr. Watts, as my husband stated this is family bussiness. We would like to discuss this with you but we think it best not to. I hope you understand. If Sue wants to say anything we will talk otherwise we intend to do whatever she is most comfortable with."
"Very well put, Mrs. Tegor. It is good that you as a family unit want to hang together. I applaud that. The difficulty is that you may be up against something that you may need help with. Please let me help. I'm a professional. I'm sure whatever the problem is I've dealt with it before. If I haven't I'm sure I can help you find someone who has delt with whatever the problem is. Talk to me. I can help. Really."
"Sue," dad began, "if you want to bring this up in front of Dr. Watts it's alright. I'll go either way you want to go. It's up to you, honey."
"Thank you dad. I don't want to discuss it here."
"Wait!" Dr. Watts pleaded. "How about your lack of sleep, Sue? I can help with that. I can guess that it's not just simple insomnia. I can help you get medicine to help you sleep or use hypnosis to help. You can't go on like you are. There's no shame in asking for help--the shame would be refusing it!"
"I would love to talk to you about this but there is nothing you can do to help me. If I told you what was going on you would only hurt us all. I'm sorry, I just don't trust you or your profession. I'm sure your heart is in the right place but no thanks. Can we go now?"
"Don't be rude!" my father warned me.
"Well, I can see that your mind is made up and I don't want to try to force you to do anything that you think might be harmful to you or your family but when you walk out of here I have to give Mr. Fellows some kind of a report. If I tell him that none of you would even talk to me he could very well pull you from your classes, Sue. He justs wants to be sure the school will be a place where you can learn. You and the people arround you. We both know that is not the case now. Tell me something that I can tell him to satify his need to protect the school..."
"Tell him that I just can't sleep at night." I sugested.
"Why?"
"Because of anything. What would you tell him if we did open up to you?"
"I would tell him that I had a handel on it and how long it would take to get you back on your feet again. As it is now I can't tell him anything. You will force him to do whatever he thinks is best solely with the school's best intrests in mind. You don't want him to do that. I think you want to stay in classes."
"I don't know what to say. You're trying to force me to talk to you. I don't like it. Can we go? Please."
"Yes, go out into the hall, I want to talk to your parents." she told me. I got up and went into the hall. I loked for something to sit on. There was nothing. I leaned against the wall. My eyelids felt like they weighed a ton. I was out there for a long time before my parents came out. I was invited back in, alone.
"You look like you are about to go back to sleep again." the doctor commented.
I sat down grateful to have something to sit on. I crossed my legs and waited for the whole thing to be over with so I could go home. I was ready to go to sleep. If I didn't wake then perhaps it would be worth it. Sleep was winning. I was ready to submit.
"They told me what the problem was." I was informed. I didn't believe it.
"What?"
"About you being adopted."
I looked at the doctor suspisiously. I couldn't believe they had told this stranger that. "So?"
"They told me that it has you very upset. It's alright to talk about. There's nothing wrong about it. I've had lots of patients who were adopted. Your parrents told me they didn't understand why it had upset you so. I don't understand either. What's the big deal?"
"Nothing. I'm fine!"
"You were about to fall asleep again, out in the hall. You are really exhausted. Why has this adoption upset you so much? Don't you get along with your family?"
"Yeah." I lied. I don't know if it was a lie or not. They still got along with me. I just didn't want to be arround them any more.
"Come on, tell me what keeps you awake at night!"
"I don't want to."
"You do too! You are looking for someone you can trust, someone who can help you through. Let me help."
"I don't know you. How do I know what you have in mind? I know you are suposed to be pretty good but I don't think you can do or say anything that will help me. I've got to do this on my own."
"You are feeling left out. You are a stranger in your own house, right?"
"Sorta."
"Don't your adopted parents treat you right?"
"I guess."
"Is there friction between you are your sister? Are you jealous?"
"No! Cut it out! Stop quizzing me! If I want to talk to you I'll let you know, ok?"
"There is something there. Isn't there?"
"Will you please stop! Do I have to throw something at you to get you to leave me alone?"
"Do you want to?"
"No, but you're making me mad."
"That's good. Let your feelings out."
I looked at her in astonishment. She was determined to get inside me. I considered her very dangerious. I tried to think of some way that I could get away from her. She could wreck everything.
"Please just let me be."
"I want to help you."
"You've been a big help already. I feel much better. You got me to thinking. It's amazing. Can I go?"
She eyed me, it was evident that she was trying to come up with some other attack. She was right. I would have loved to talk to her. She had a lot of answers that I wanted. The trouble was I didn't know what she would do with the information that I wasn't real. I didn't know if I would be expelled or not. I didn't think so. I would probily end up in a classroom on the first floor, probily remedial math. The kids down there weren't in school, they were in storage, until the eightenth grade. Then they were turned loose in the world. The work world where they would do meaningless work for the rest of thier time on Seco.
I didn't think shrinks were suposed to act the way Dr. Watts had. She had been downright agressive. She was working for the school, not me. She had the school's best intrests in mind all of the time.
Probily five minutes passed before she spoke again. She had passsed the time eyeballing me and puching in notes to her handheld. I began to think that I would be spending the night in a foster home or juvenile hall. I wasn't looking forward to that.
"I'll tell you what I'll do." She informed me quietly. "Tonight you go home. I'm going to give you a presciption for something that will help you sleep. You take it and try to get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow when you come to school don't go to Mrs. Hart's class. You come down here and we'll talk some more. Maybe we can find a way to help you where you don't have to tell me what's wrong. I can get you medicine that will make you feel better. Perhaps if you aren't hurting all of the time you can solve your own problem. How does that sound?"
"That's good!" I agreed gratefully. "Thank you, I'll be here. I'm sure I can work this out on my own. Thank you."
I went back out into the hallway. I thought I was going to get to go home. No. It was time for the folks to have the last say with my shrink. I was about to drop off agaain before they were through. I was ready to go home. No. We had to go get my medicine first, then we went home.
We went in and the folks gave me tha bag with the sleeping pills. I started to go to bed but the folks wanted to talk. I looked at them tiredly.
"I surender. I give. I can't fight you anymore. What do you want to talk about?"
"I know your tired, peaches, but why haven't you been sleeping?"
"I'm afraid I won't wake back up, dad. I feel like I have to keep thinking all of the time or I will cease to exist. I am scared of dying. I can't die!"
"Do you feel sick? Is there some reason you feel that way?"
"I'm not sick, dad. It's just so important that I don't allow myself to stop...to stop being. Understand?"
"I know, it's that damned no-soul thing again. Right peaches?"
"Yep."
"Is that why you ran away from home?"
"No. I can't stay here with you anymore. I'm pretending that I have a soul when I don't. I'm living in a world with people who do have souls. I'm pretending to be as good as them. It's sickening."
"Why is it sickening?"
"I'm living a lie." I moaned drowsily. "Sooner or later people will find out that I'm a clone baby. When that happens it will hurt all of you. I hate to think what will happen to Shela. She's a good kid but those other kids will claim that she's a CB like me and there's no telling how much trouble it will cause her. You and mom will suffer too. People will be upset that you allowed me to go places and do things that a CB shouldn't be allowed to go to or do. It will be bad for you all. If I can just leave it won't be so bad."
"You were doing this to protect us?"
"Kinda. Really I was thinking of myself. If you got hurt because of me I would feel guilty and I don't think I could stand it."
The folks stared at me in silence. I was dragging.
"Can I go to sleep now?"
"Sure! Youre not afraid are you?"
"Yes but it dosen't matter. I'm too tired to fight it anymore. I can't go on any more. If death takes me while I sleep it's just too bad. There's nothing I can do."
"Would you like it if I watched over you while you slept? Would you sleep easier?" dad asked.
"Would you? Thank you daddy."
"That's my girl. Go on ahead, I'll be up in a moment."
"'Kay..."
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