April 28, 2001

Out of all the things in the world that I shouldn't be doing right now, this is it. I should be studying for one of my four AP exams, I should be sleeping, I should be reading, I should be doing other random pieces of homework that for whatever reason I'm not right now. No, not for whatever reason. For good reasons. I have dilemas.

I'm thinking of stopping this site. Actually, I'm pretty sure I'm going to. There just doesn't seem to be any reason to keep going. I've kind of documented my high school experience, as much as this web site is a document of anything. I've explored the world of html writing and have decided it isn't for me. I've written one story that was read entirely by one person. I've become a part of the Geocities idea for a good three years now. Well, almost. It started on a low note in my life, and I think it's going to have to end on one too. It seems like I've come full circle; I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I began discontent. I leave pissed at my lack of satisfaction. Remember how I declared that Erin and I do not deserve the disappointment, the frustration, the sorrow of unfulfilled dreams? Well, maybe we do. Maybe I do, at least. Not Erin, that really was a crime.

This past month has thrown one thing in my face over and over and over again: I am not as smart as I think. In fact, by my standards, I'm dumb. Stupid. Awful. Not even deserving of the honor of filling out the damned application. Reach for the stars? I don't even deserve to look at them. Can I believe that I actually told someone that I'd probably "just end up" at my dream college? I am a conceited, worthless bitch.

And yet, at the same time, Northwestern can shove it, frankly. Because I'm still going to a great school, and I'll still have all the opportunities that I want, and I'll still make something of myself. A name is merely a word, and college is what you bring to it. Besides, I didn't want it so that someone would look at my alma matter and think highly of me; I want people to look at my own name and think highly of me. Does this make sense? Maybe rejection is a hidden blessing. Maybe the place I'm going to is where I'm meant to be. It's still a whole new world, where I can do what I want and create the life I have in fact dreamed of since I entered the hell of high school.

At the same time, (to go back to the negativity for just one second) I've never felt like such a failure. I've never just cried for nine hours, to the point where people could tell that I'd been sobbing an entire day after the fact. I'm 18, and 18 year olds don't need to be held by their mothers at midnight as they sob about what they're going to do for the rest of their lives. I told you, I'm dramatic. But I'm slowly learning to not put my faith in anything substantial. To keep it abstract and broad. Something like "My dream is to go to college" or "Hell, at least I'm alive." Right now I'm kind of fearing goals; I'd rather not make them than watch them go unfulfilled. It's not that I'm not used to it, I just never had one that mattered so much. I mean, I was seriously convinced that getting into Northwestern meant that I'd have a good life. See what I mean about me being a dumbass?