Sunday, August 19, 2001

If this entry were worth its number in money, you could buy it for three rolls of quarters, three rolls of dimes, three rolls of nickels, and six rolls of pennies. That's the first thing that came to mind as I started this tonight. And I've been working with money too long.

Anyone who read the last entry must be horrified. I completely forgot to add my song quote. Sorry about that. We'll have two this time.

I have an announcement to make: I am cool. Many years ago, I read an online journal entry that described how the writer's teenage sister was told that listening to Ani DiFranco was the "in" thing to do. I have recently purchased one of her CD's, and cannot take it out of my stereo for more than three days before going into withdrawal. So, as long as the "in" crowd has not changed their musical preferences in the fast few years (which, when you think about it, is very unlikely, right?), I'm cool. Woo-hoo!

I take it back- moping solves everything. Moping is essential to the acceptance process. When you mope, you are able to pick out every mistake that you made along the way, down to the original thought that led to the misguided thought that led to the hasty decision that led to the fatal action. And when you open your eyes again, you have a vague idea of what to do next.

The key to moping, I think I should add, is the opening of the eyes. That would be the important part of that little bit.

I don't know if you could tell this from July 7, but I was kind of in a slump there for a while. But that day of venting did wonders for my health. It's amazing what happens when you allow the words to tumble out of you. Not only do the thoughts finally get organized, they go away. And its not the same as talking it out. Talking requires a second party- a second mind, a second set of questions, a second set of feelings to consider. Writing is......... you know?

A second thing that has significantly improved my state of being is all those impersonal things that make me happy. Ewan McGregor singing "Your Song" and smiling that smile, the Indigo Girls, finally understanding that boring dancing part at the end of "An American in Paris," the "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" movie trailer, the hidden track about the girl with green eyes at the end of Pete Yorn's album, Conan O'Brien and Seth Green (and, since I'm so proud that I've finally learned his name, Breckin Meyer) in general, QuickTakes, and, mostly, Semisonic looking at us (swear to God!) on July 4 and replying to my email in less than a day. Little bits of things that come flying at my eyes and ears every day that aren't necessarily directed at me specifically, but which make me laugh all the same. And in that moment, it doesn't matter that I'm not happy, because I briefly am.

That last sentence wasn't proper English. No way, no how.

But anyway, to get on with it, the third major thing that has brought me up to where I am today was my two-week stay in Minnesota with a bunch of people who are genuinely kind, unique, wonderful souls. I realized that I could be a girl with Cystic Fibrosis, who got winded easily and had treatments to do and went through daily coughing fits, and still fit in and have friends. I realized that while roughing it is not exactly my 'thing,' I can do it, even if it takes me longer to get a canoe across a lake than most ten-year-olds. Although I never really rested, it was my perfect vacation- a small reminder that I'm not done, as Mom might say.

I keep talking about how I got here, but where am I, exactly? I'm a day away from starting college. Most of my friends have already left. On Monday morning (I would say tomorrow, but that makes it sounds as close as it is, and I'm still trying to avoid that feeling), I'm going to walk into my first college classroom, and the year will begin. For the entire summer, I've been anticipating this moment- hating it, fearing it, rejecting it, looking forward to it, hiding from it. Now it's here, and by all accounts, it's just going to be a regular day. Bummer.

A very sad thing happened on Friday night. I received an email that informed of the most shocking internet event of the year. The Centre for the Easily Amused is being dismantled. We only have a few more weeks, at the most, to enjoy the collection of amusements that Cathie Walker and Co. have painstakingly put together over the past years. As a four or five year member, I'm greatly saddened by these developments. While the site will be replaced by sillygirl.com eventually, the CEA will be greatly missed, I think. *sigh*

If anyone out there is looking for a good way to make yourself sick, read Shrub, The Short but Happy Political Life of George W. Bush. I'm not kidding either- I suffered from horrible congestion and I lost my voice mere days after starting the book. And, because our president is guilty of so many things, I figure I can just throw my sickness into the mix and no one will notice.

Okay, let's move on to the quotes. From his new album, "musicforthemorningafter," Pete Yorn's exceptional little ditty "Life on a Chain:" I was waiting over here, for life to begin / Just looking for the new thing, and you were the sunshine heading my front line / I was alone, and you were just around the corner from me / Time alone is good- I spend my days in the city / Dirty neighborhood- you know you'll never convince me / I sold the town away. I couldn't wait to forget you. I was killed in half a day. I hadn't time to regret you. Also, "Simonize:" Hey, don't take your life away. I think you'd rather stay, and follow me into the alley way. We were passers on the street. I never thought we'd meet, until I said, "How do you do, my love?" You fall. And, because of my blatant mistake from the last entry, just one more, from Minnesota: