December 5, 2001

Whew. Done.

Well, almost.

What can I say? This has been the most important three months of my life. Important is the adjective I’ve settled on. For fifteen weeks I’ve been thinking of an adjective for the question- How’s life?- and although it doesn’t really get at what they want to know, it fits. Because right now I am sitting at a new computer, listening to Paul Simon, relaxing after my last final, and things are “good.” But that last final was at a school I wasn’t supposed to like, and in New York and Afghanistan….. Everything is relative.

On September 12th, I became a published journalist. Two of my articles ended up on the front page of a local newspaper. And that’s a pretty good description of my entire life. Cry, Laugh, Sit, Dance, Wait.

I don’t want to tackle the world right now. I don’t want to comment on how all of sudden everything’s different in a sneaky way, that hardens your heart and makes you wonder if you’ll ever be able to not look up at airplanes and tall buildings ever again. I don’t want to comment on the decisions we face, I don’t want to comment on the people we’re letting make them. Maybe it’s because I don’t think it’s my place anymore (no, that‘s not true), maybe it’s because I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe it’s because I’m still kinda unsure of where I stand. The fence doesn’t feel right, but neither do either of the sides. Maybe they’re not supposed to.

I love how things can surprise you. I love how you can spend two months crying yourself to sleep, how you can think that you’re in for absolute hell, and then, well, it’s still hell, but it’s a different hell. It’s hell that filled with actual intellectualism, and learning, and challenges, which is exactly what you wanted in the first place. I love that the only reason I’m leaving UIC is because I need a good liberal arts program that they don’t have, and I need to get out of my house for a few years and meet new people. I love that I’m only lonely, and not bored to death. It’s sick, but I love that I’m so busy that I’m getting even less sleep now than I was in high school. I love that I can live with everything that’s wrong, and I can still walk to the El stop with a giggle on my lips. Perhaps I’m demented, and I know that I’m a crazy optimist, but it feels good sometimes.

At the same time, the burden is heavier. Worries and troubles fly in from new angles, leaving me confused and a bit sadder. I hate being so far away from friends that aren’t as happy as they should be- smilies can only give so much comfort. I want to hug and encourage, I want to scold and correct, I want to joke and catch up. Hard to do from a few hundred miles away- not that it‘s any easier from only a town away, of course. So that’s a problem.

Ugh. I can’t write about this. The theme of the year is depression, destruction, disappointment (yes, I’m a fan of negative “d” words). But time doesn’t stop, so neither can we. And happy things still happen, although they’re subtle and rare and they make us feel guilt along with joy. But overall, we’re okay. Not great, not always good, but it balances when we catch a good movie and get together for dinner at Bakers Square.

Right now, I’m looking forward to sleep, sleep, and more sleep. Also, another bowlathon is coming up in a week or so, and all my friends are returning home for a month. I’m anticipating the day when I can stop taking care of my newly double-pierced ears and start wearing fun jewelry. I’m busy trying to decide on a new hair style, and I have until 2 pm tomorrow to finally give up and get another trim. After posting this, I have to do some internet Christmas shopping, making sure to close my eyes to that total cost. Then tonight I’m going to synchronize my schedule with my father’s, so I can get some new glasses. Eventually I’ll be getting my drivers license. And then there’s that long list of schools to apply to. So maybe this isn’t as much of a break as I would have liked to have. But I refuse to highlight any books until January 7. Mark my words (with something other than fluorescent pink, if you could).

Two quotes this week (month). Paul Simon, off his album Graceland, the song is “Gumboots”: I was having this discussion / In a taxi heading downtown / Rearranging my position / On this friend of mine who had / A little bit of a breakdown / I said breakdowns come / And breakdowns go / So what are you going to do about it / That’s what I’d like to know // You don’t feel you can love me, but I feel you could // It was in the early morning hours / When I feel into a phone call / Believing I had supernatural powers / I slammed into a brick wall / I say hey, is this my problem? / Is this my fault? / If that’s the way it’s going to be / I’m going to call the whole thing to a halt // You don’t feel you could love me, but I feel you could“

And for George, the Beatle that I liked so much without even knowing it. Thank you for your songs and your thumbs-up and Time Bandits. This was my favorite:

Here Comes the Sun
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right
Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
It's all right