Paula's Online Journal
01 Jun 1998 - My Year in Review - Feb 1997 - Jun 1998

Well, I have finally finished the layout design for my pages which link from my main Transgender page. I had various ideas in mind, but it took some adjusting and experimenting with my new graphics software to put the design into reality. I wanted a diary/journal affect and was able to create the page illusion I wanted. So, without further rambling . . .

I recently added my newest pictures to my photo album and realized that I had started this journey just a little over a year ago, February 1997. As I looked over my pictures I could really see how far I have come - in physical appearance, comfort in front of the camera, and also represented in the pictures is my internal emotional comfort with who I am.

For me, pictures tell a story so much faster than re-reading my journal entries - but then, I am very familiar with where I was at at the time I took the photos. It's funny how "critical" I can be when I look back at the photos. I sometimes want to take them out so no one else will see how silly I looked. But, I leave them in, because they are a part of my story.

I know I have a ways to go, but I also smile when I see where I was. I recall all the emotions - from that very nervous first step of actually thinking about fully dressing, to buying my first wig and makeup, to that first time I put the makeup on. I remember that first call to Phoenix Rising Foundation, trying to think of all the words I could use and still not have to say transgender or transsexual to a stranger. I also remember how alone I still felt, even with all the web pages I had visited. But, I was still so filled with guilt, fear, and shame that I had so much trouble relaxing with my uncovered self.

I am not a bold nor extraverted person. Getting myself out takes a lot of energy and, at that moment of reaching for the door knob, several deep breaths. Much of my building of self-confidence and acceptance has come from doing things en drab - clothes shopping, shoe shopping, makeup shopping. I still get anxious at times, but no where near what I used. I am now able to take my time, feel the fabrics, really study the colors and styles. My latest adventure found me in The Lady Footlocker shoe store. I found a style I liked and asked for a size 10. When she came out, she asked if they were for me. Without hesitating (and breaking into hot flashes and sweat) I replied yes. Then she asked if I would like to try them on. After struggling for brief moment with fear, I did, then made my purchase - one more step.

All my trips out have been filled with anxiety, nervous, and also enthusiasm, joy, freedom. I often feel like a kid, growing up all over again, learning how to do somethings differently - like driving with heels, or even getting into a 4-wheel drive truck. I remember the feel of walking a fair distance in heels for the first time, the air blowing through my hair (even if it was a wig), the experience of Paula taking her first breaths of freedom. I would store each trip into my memory, using each as a success story - that no one actually attacked, condemned or acted to humiliate me.

My life is gaining momentum, more doors are opening up, more wonderful, loving people are entering my life. I fondly recall the two weeks I spent in retreat with my very dear friends, T.&J. I was able to just be, to dress and relax. They encouraged me to relax and enjoy, and were very supportive. Their energy helped me to make my first real journeys out - I had two appointments in downtown to two therapists. These would be the first times that each had met Paula in person. Major nervousness. But I triumphed and the experience stays with me today. To be free and in life is truly a wonderful experience. Both therapists were impressed with my style and noticed a more relaxed and comfortable person.

For the first time as an adult, I thoroughly enjoyed and participated in Halloween. What fun, planning my costume from a "female" starting point. I spent several trips thinking and shopping. The plan was to go dancing at Ember's (chosen as the safest first time out) with J. It was her enthusiasm that provided the push for me. She was going as a construction worker, I went dressed in a black velour mini dress, very dark eye shadow, red-black nails, spider hoisery. Sort of like dressing a bit more sexy and flashy than "normal". We had the best time - she isn't able to get out dancing much. What was initially planned as a couple hour outing went from 9:00pm to 2:00am. We spent time dancing, watching others (Ember's is a GLBT friendly club), studying how each gender seemed to dance. Hated to see the evening end. I was asked to dance by another crossdresser - I was unprepared I couldn't speak at first. Then leaving, we were greeted on the street with, "Happy Halloween, ladies."

Well, since then, life has been busy in other personal areas, and I have not been able to spend a lot of time fully dressed or to be able to get out - an 18 month old child will do that. I have, as mentioned earlier, been dressing on the feminine side of androgyny. I wear my nails medium long and usually with polish - sheer pinks or clear. I wear only women's style jeans and shorts, walking or casual shoes, and often women's style tshirts or turtlenecks. I struggle in the mornings preparing for work because often I would rather wear a skirt or jumper. I fight having to wear a men's style shirt/tshirt. My eye brows are trimmed, I shave everyday - I hate stubble, and my hair is getting longer. At home, I will often put on a comfortable skirt or jumper - without breast forms, makeup or wig. I don't feel like I am wearing the wrong or opposite clothes, and I do not feel like I become someone else. Rather, I am just more comfortable.

I wish I had more hair on my head and none on my face. I dream about just being able to run errands or take the garbage out without the need to either change or deal with makeup and wig. I see women around and wonder if they ever think about how others will perceive them based on what they wear? Do they, men too, ever think about what their gender means to them? Every day I think about gender for me, about its consequences and meanings. I wish I could just be, I struggle with the question, "What difference does it make?" when I think about just the issue of clothes.

Well, that has been my past year of growth. There is definitely more detail and if you would like to know more feel free to write me at paulaf@rainbowgyrl.net.

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