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Paula's Online Journal
25 Dec 1998 - Seeing, Giving Dignity
This holiday season I wanted to do more than short-term volunteering (I have in the past, but failed to do much about it). This year, the desire was stronger as was my commitment, the time however, was running short. I wanted to do something direct, something within the community, something that felt right in my heart. After a little thought, I stopped by the local AIDs advocacy center and picked up a volunteer application, filled it out and sent it in. This January I will attend a volunteer orientation meeting.
Today I was downtown with my 2-year old son. We were enjoying the window display of the Meier&Frank store. They had playful animals in humorous settings to depict the 12 days of Christmas. The area was almost deserted, with just a few people out, almost no stores open. While the rain and wind were significant, the window areas were covered by awnings. I felt a very wonderful calmness, an inner feeling of space, peace of mind, a connection with my child. As we wandered around the building looking at the displays, we passed by many homeless people. In the past, I have had images/visions of being downtown on Christmas specifically to touch the less fortunate. Sometimes I would be giving out money, other times I would be handing out a lot of extra blankets or coats that I no longer needed.
The eyes to my heart definitely see differently than even 6 months ago. My respect for others is much, much higher. On this day, life downtown moves very slowly, no one is rushing to get to there, cars are not competing for those choice spots and sidewalks are nearly empty. Over the last several months, I have become less fearful and when asked for spare change, I acknowledge their request politely and respectfully - acknowledging their existence and my inability to help. Today, I did more. The first person we met was carrying a cardboard sign. I was reaching into my pocket as he approached. I gave him a dollar, reached out and touched his shoulder as I wished him a Merry Christmas. Later, on the other side of the street, a man pushing a shopping cart of his possessions noticed us. He waved a Merry Christmas to Evan and we waved back. On another trip around the building a man was asking for help to get into a shelter where both he and his wife could be. Was this true or not? It didn't matter. As he was talking to a group by the bus stop, I walked over and gave him a dollar.
Aside from being with Evan, this was the best part of the day for me. For the first time in quite a while I was able to enjoy some isolation (it's that introvert thing). My best image of this holiday has always been spending it alone, to have time for myself, a gift. This is the first time I found this quiet downtown, other years I have gone up to the mountain and skied into the backcountry. Today I experienced a sort of awakening, I gave not out of sympathy or pity but out of dignity. I truly saw each person we passed at the same level, at a human level. It was not about how they dressed, where they lived, what life they led, it was about treating each person with respect, with compassion, with dignity. While my acts are not exactly philanthropic, I asked myself, "What if each person they encountered gave them one dollar - even for half a day? And what is a dollar to many of us, anyway?"
I know, we cannot really give to everyone we meet, but I guess my point is to, whether or not we give money, to always give respect and dignity. How awful a feeling to be passed as if you do not even exist, when they are speaking to you. Non-existence, non-acknowledgment, what a horrible thing to feel - sound familiar? My heart was lifted by being able see the humanness around me today. I am also glad Evan was with me to experience this also, to the level that he is able to of course.
My spirit grows, my heart warms, my vision clears.
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