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Paula's Online Journal
17 Jul 1998 - 15 Minutes of Fame, Dinner
While waiting for my appointment with J.L., I pick up a copy of Just Out, with coverage of the Pride Parade. Cool! There's a picture of the NWGA car, and me, along with Dee Dee, Marianne and Olivia. I send email to all. I call up Phoenix Rising to see if they still have some copies, then go pickup some up for Elaine and Marianne. I write to Just Out and leave a phone message for Linda Kliewer, the photographer, to see about copies. I order prints from Linda and ask if I can refer others to her. Thank you, Linda.
Had another dinner with Teri at Hobo's. Preparation was a lot less stressful this time around, though it was still there. The biggest issue this time was the weather - clear and very warm, so how do I deal with my "manly" arms? I choose my black cotton jumper with a white tshirt and over that I wear a light, white cotton cardigan. I add black hose and my square toe pumps and I am ready. I hope my makeup does not humidify and sweat away.
Time to leave, I think briefly about who might be out in the hall or out in front of the building on this beautiful Oregon evening. I take a breath and open my door stepping into the hallway. No one is in the hall, but once out on the sidewalk, there are quite a few people out. I walk around the corner to my car, the library is across the street and there are people getting into the car behind me. I just walk to my car and get in, thinking, "I wonder if they think anything or if they even noticed?"
I'm on my way to downtown, it's warm and I anticipate there will be some people out, even in the middle of the week. I drive by the restaurant, then look for parking as close as I can. Not much luck, I do find a spot about 3 blocks away. A car pulls up behind me to park at the same time. I hesitate, allowing them to leave first. I then take a breath, then head to the restaurant. There are a fair number of people out, some look, some don't no one says anything. I wonder what they think, I wish it's that I am attractive. Anyway, I'm there first, and tell the bartender that I am waiting for a friend and take a seat in the window seat to wait. The place isn't very busy, thank goodness, and it is feeling warm. I am sweating a bit and feel like all my makeup will run right off, even though it does not.
I notice one customer sitting alone facing in my direction. I wonder what he thinks or if he even sort of notices. What does he think, does he notice my "huge" adam's apple? I try to not pay attention and look around at the wall decorations and settings. Teri comes in shortly, we hug and greet and are seated. Just like old friends we catch up with what has been going on, her trip to Spain, my Pride parade experience and life in general. I am so glad Patti introduced us, Teri has helped me to get out, see life on the outside, experience life on the outside.
All too soon it's time for us to leave, we walk back to our cars together, passing by many people. What a nice feeling this is, walking with a friend, enjoying our freedom. How do you describe this feeling beyond it being a wonderful feeling? Well, I'll try ... Imagine being in a box, with windows that you can look out, but others cannot look in. You cannot hear or feel life around you, but you can see it - people, laughter, being - and you are not a part of it. Imagine this is your life - for a day, month, 40 years. Now imagine you are given a moment out, an evening to be. You savor the feeling of everything - the sounds of life, the click of your heels while walking, the freshness of the air with each deep breath, the breeze blowing through your hair. You try to remember everything and anything, because you must return to your box, not knowing when you will be out next. You long for the night to never end, you long to live a life that allows you to be.
Each step moves me toward that goal.
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