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Paula's Online Journal
16 Aug 1998 - More Dinners, Friends, Activism, NWGA
Gosh, nearing a month since I last made an on-line journal entry. Life seems to be speeding up and getting fuller. I am meeting some new (and some old) friends through my web site. I wish I could afford the time and money to physically travel and meet each one. There is truly a world of wonderful, supportive and understanding people. I'll try to catch you up ...
Amy and I finally arranged lunch, (okay in working guy-mode), and she shared her pictures from Esprit '98. Looks like she and everyone else really had a great time. I am strongly considering attending next year's event. Life, family, work - so many responsibilities and still only so many hours in the day. We do what we must do, and fit in all the rest as best we can. At this point, Amy has not really "met" Paula. Well hopefully at the upcoming NWGA meeting the two of us will meet.
Teri has been so good, I am grateful to her encouragement and availability so that Paula can get out, too. Her confidence and self-assuredness has made a really, big difference in my expanding comfort zone, which in turn opens up more of the world to me. Our latest dinner out was "interesting" in terms of the service and a very empty restaurant. As always, visiting and chatting was wonderful. That night was a very warm and inside the restaurant was even more so, we were so worried our faces were going to literally melt off! We eventually decided to wander down to another place to finish visiting in an air-conditioned place and walked down to Hobo's. All too soon, we had to leave as we both had next day work schedules to keep.
We both agreed that besides our visiting, the most wonderful part was the time we spent outside walking - between places or back to our cars. This is freedom, taking deep breaths, just being, every moment of life should be so sweet. One of the gifts I have received on my journey has been to really appreciate moments out, with friends, the little successes. I savor and remember.
I have met a wonderful lady who lives in Washington, Linda S. She and her wife and kids have moved from the east coast. She has given me hope and encouragement, offered her ear and experience. My world expands, I feel a little stress and frustration because I want to really stay in touch with all these special friends -- time, time, time, aarrrgggh! Thank you Linda, I will write soon. My friend Jean sent me a wonderful letter (snail-mail) with her story and the wonderful work she and her friend are doing to educate others about transgenderism. Thank you Jean, I feel very honored that you have shared your story with me.
For a great majority of my life, I am quite shy, even quiet. So I am starting to amaze myself sometimes as I have begun to take a more active role in the community. There is so much going on. When I first started surfing the web (lurking the web?) I felt way too insecure and scared to respond or ask about anything. I also at the time did not have any other ID than my work accounts. I am now at a point where I want to be a part of the advocacy and education. Where I also want to be a part of the support system. It is also kind of neat to see my name come in as part of one of the global news emails.
I have visited on-line at the It's Time, ORegon! web site. I also discovered that I had met the Director and web mistress at Portland's Pride parade - actually marched with them! I am looking forward to meeting Lori in person again. She has been very nice and encouraging and I am thankful for her courage to be a leader and guide for the transgender community of Oregon.
Well I have reached another milestone this week - another birthday. While many avoid such topics as actual age, I did mention my birth year on my first About Me page. I must admit to always feeling that my internal clock has always been slower than my biological clock, so fortunately I do not spend a lot of time dealing with the age thing. Of course, I do dwell once in a while, just for practice.
18 Aug 1998, 5:00pm, Tuesday evening, I'm finally "put-together" to meet Elaine before the NWGA open meeting. We are meeting at an Olive Garden. Feeling very nervous, this is like main-stream big-time for me. Venturing out into less-known, scary waters. So, I am dumping some of my anxiety here, before the moment arrives... tick, tock, tick, tock... breathe in, breathe out... you have every right to be out, to be you, to be...
Is it working? I hope so, okay, a little. What am I wearing? Well, at least this time I did not fret so much. I have chosen a white t-shirt with a blue with navy blue tulips jumper, and a white cotton sweater. Fortunately, the temperature is milder than the past few days, more pleasant. I am continually listening for footsteps outside my door ... what was that? Okay, just about time, I have to make a long drive across town, Portland, into Beaverton during rush hour, should be interesting anyway.
I hope Elaine is there before me, sure wish I had her self-confidence... maybe someday. I imagine all these people standing out front waiting, hovering around the entrance as I have to make my way through them. I imagine a crowded bar area and I am unable to find Elaine .... HELP! That's my worst case scenario. I, ever so faintly, also imagine no big deal, I just walk in and either see Elaine, or I find a quiet table for two. whew ... the mind is a powerful thing, not to mention those darn emotions.
Post-nocturne report - What a night! Fairly low-big deal getting out of the apartment and to my car. I make the 40 minute cross-town drive into Beaverton. Traffic, yeck, fortunately I have left with enough time. I pull into the parking lot of the mall and start looking for the Olive Garden. No close parking spots, I find a place across the drive nearer to the mall portion. I make a quick scan, a few people drive up, but I do not see anyone out front, well that's a good sign. I take a deep breath, gather my purse and photo album and begin the long (okay, not-so-long) walk to the restaurant. The waiting area is just inside the door. There are a few people, plus the greeter, but I see the bar and just make my way there. I glimpse a couple of people look up, but I just focus on the bar. I smile at the greeter as I pass by. I briefly wonder what they all think, but soon that thought is gone. I often counter these thoughts with thinking that they could be thinking nothing. I often will look up while waiting if someone walks in, no big deal, right?
It's a small bar, and I see Elaine. We greet and hug and I order a soft drink. Elaine shares her story of being the restaurant staff's entertainment for the day. There has been a parade of staff walking by the bar and looking in to see her. I am somewhat sorry I missed it and wasn't available to be with her. In the brief time before we must head across the street to the NWGA meeting place we get to know each other a little more, sharing some of our stories and activities. Her positive energy is helping me to relax in a place that has little exposure to the transgendered. I have moments of wondering what people think, but mostly I am focused on Elaine and myself, visiting and enjoying each other's company. I do mention that this another one of those moments I thrust myself out there.
The meeting is at "Sayler's Old Country Kitchen". When I first heard where the meeting would be, I had some high anxiety concerns. This is one of those places that I would not even imagine going to on my own. I grew up in Portland and this restaurant's original location has been around since forever and has always been very middle-America, family-oriented steak house. Well, after popping into the Olive Garden (another essentially family, suburbian restaurant), the walk into Sayler's was a breeze. I finally managed to have the thought, "move and act just how you have always imagined, just be just like anyone else," take hold. We are the first to arrive.
Slowly the ladies started to arrive, most are new to me, but I do know some - from the Pride parade. I am not really a crowd/group person, no really I'm not, so it takes a while for me to loosen up and start talking to people. I am thrilled to be out, to see others, to experience their freedom, humor, and humanness. The servers were great, the food actually pretty good. The evening, very late evening, ends too soon and it is time to head home. More new friends, growing existing friendships, more confidence, and a whole lot of inner smiling.
Time to join NWGA, looking forward to the next meeting. The next location is actually only a mile from home and part of my neighborhood. I am actually looking forward to this because I often imagine getting to be me in my own area. Oh, yeah, Teri and I are getting ID cards this weekend. We will be making a road trip to "rural" Oregon. This should be another interesting adventure. Tonight sure was good training.
Life IS the journey, enjoy.
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