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Paula's Online Journal
19 Mar 1999 - A Really Big Day Out
I cannot believe March has gone, or that it is even April. Not to mention that I haven't updated these pages since December! Wow. Life has been busy, I have so many fires burning. The connections I have made are so wonderful, there is so much to catch up on for you.
The year started off with a bang, I published my first newsletter for the NWGA, and right off I encountered some opposition to some changes. I had some initial pangs of hurt, but I also realized how much it means that change is happening for the club. With their goal for more inclusion, the information we print and provide must also become more inclusive. I must admit to a bias toward information, positive and negative. The more we are aware, the more we might become motivated to find a way to be involved, to understand the bigger picture that is the trans community.
I have also been involved with It's Time, Oregon!, I have taken over webmistress duties (be sure to check out their site if you haven't recently and let me know what you think). In the middle there, I volunteer at Cascade AIDS Project, helping with office work, data entry and database administration. While not exactly the glamorous work, I do feel that I am helping with what time I do have. I have gained a wonderful insight into some of the behind the scenes work they do, I also wrote a "Community Profile" on CAP in the newsletter.
I guess the biggest thing I have done is to make a public speech, my first ever! The place, Salem, OR, on the steps of the Capitol building, the event, Equality Begins at Home. Nervous? Anxious? Yes. Inspired? Supported? Definitely. I guess it was time, my conviction, my fight against fear, hate and discrimination, my need to express what I feel, what has been inside of me for soooo long. All these allowed me to fairly quickly decide to speak on behalf of ITOR, in honor of being asked by Lori.
I had my anxiety, I definitey had my nervousness. What would I say? What was I expected to say? I am so thankful to Lori for helping and guiding me. We talked on the phone, we sent email messages. With the idea of raising awareness and consciousness about the trans community, I spent time drafting my feelings. I started several documents, wrote several paragraphs. Fretting, wondering how long is a 3-5 minute speech, I again talked with Lori.
One page, I sent a copy to Lori for a final edit. The next few days I would read it aloud, and start to cry. Now my biggest concern was getting through the speech, the crowd issue was no longer so significant. I kept playing a picture in my mind of speaking, not being afraid of standing in front of the people, of speaking from the heart. Of allowing the deep, emotional attachment I had with the words I was saying showing through.
Sunday, I prepare, physically, mentally, emotionally. Saturday night I posted a copy of my speech on ITOR's website. I sent email to friends who would not be there, so that they could share and be there in spirit. It really helped to drive down with Lori and her partner, to focus on other things, to enjoy the company of friends. Once there, the weather was mostly clear, though it was cold. We checked in and they would try to put me sooner than later in the program. We went inside the building and walked through some of the displays - youth at risk photography project, the names quilt. I could feel an energy, a spirit of those people represented, memorialized in those patches of cloth, oh oh, more emotions welling up.
The rally began. The speakers, one by one, came up and shared their stories, their work. In the end, there would be few hundred people attending. Then it was time. I was introduced. I took a deep breath and climbed the steps and walked to the microphone. They sure look bigger right in front of your face! I looked up, saw faces, I felt nervousness, but I couldn't really feel the fear. I wondered if they would be shocked to hear a mostly male-toned voice coming from an obviously female presenting person - that soon faded.
My spirit gained momentum after I began, after I started with the fact I was speaking in public for the first time. I had to pause many times, to keep from breaking down. I felt stronger and stronger as I went - the support from those listening was very powerful. I still get emotional when I think about it all - I'm having to pause even now. I was so touched by all who came up to me afterwards, loving hugs, supportive compliments and being thanked for speaking out. Today I reached out, initially to say who we were, in the end it was to embrace the world, to bring them into my heart. And they reached out and took me into theirs.
There is a power, an energy that only comes from speaking out loud, even if it is for yourself only. I have written for a therapy assignment, and only cried when asked to read it during session. Giving my speech was the same, only much bigger. That day, that moment, Paula, I, became Real. I was standing up for myself, to the world.
This day I will remember for a long time.
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