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Paula's Online Journal
10 Jun 1998 - Paula's Gender
I have a lot of years of undoing to do in terms of my assumptions about gender. It is a little easier for me, since I have struggled with my own inner confusions for so long that now I finally have an understanding of why. The struggle comes more from being at odds with so many people and it seems with some inside the TG community. I feel so much relief and comfort building on the foundation of being okay rather than the foundation that there is something wrong with me and it is all MY fault.
I remember my first visits to my therapist, JL, to talk about my new adventure, gender. I wanted to find out where I "fit". I had found a questionaire on the web and filled it out. Unfortunately, a lot of the questions dealt with those who had been doing something for a long time and had no connection with me as a novice. So, I wanted help in finding my place on the gender spectrum. I also read books and magazines and surfed the web.
Fitting in is the problem in the first place. All the tests and evaluation criteria all seemed to make assumptions that completely excluded my own childhood history, any social-cultural affects and/or made assumptions based on what steps I had or had not taken along the gender path. The arguments are passed back and forth, is it nature, is it nurture? Is gender defined by our physical bodies, by genetic makeup, by the person who fills out our birth certificate? Much of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) seems to indicate that gender can be characterized by one's activities and form of dress (being somewhat more biased against "males"). I continually look at the criteria for Gender Identity Dysphoria (GID) and keep thinking how out of touch with today those standards really are. So many activities are gender neutral (or what I prefer, gender is a non-issue) Plus, I do recall a time when the fashion industry was designing uni-sex apparel, so we could all look alike.
The more I learned and explored, the more trouble I had locating my place. I now realize that for me, gender is not a static place along some gender road. Gender is not a thing, it cannot be measured, tested for, nor assigned. Gender is that inner feeling that is unique to me, and everyone else. It is a sense of knowing who you are - external from what you wear, or what you do. I no longer wonder if I am a crossdresser, transvestite, transgenderist, non-op transsexual or SRS-bound transsexual. I mostly just want to be, no matter what that is.
I do not claim to understand each person's definition of gender nor their own expression of it. I do understand their desire to have the freedom to express that. I understand each person's choice of how much they choose to express that. I accept each person's definition of gender and do not judge them based on mine. I really, really wish everyone could do that. The transgendered are so looked down on and abused, because others cannot accept that their programmed definition of gender does not match this person's in front of them. You have researchers dissecting, centrifuging, DNA'ing to understand what creates gender. They want answers to explain, to prove that gender is not bi-polar. What seems to be lacking is that idea that all genders exist, period. I, of not particularly high intelligience, do not need science, politics or legalities to know that everyone I see exists and is human. If I can learn more about something, cool, but I do not need to understand or know more before I acknowledge someone's existence and their freedom to be who they are.
I am at that point where I am not confused about my gender. My struggle is one of working toward being in today's society and culture. How, where, when do I make the steps that move me toward feeling comfortable with my expressions. My current place is that I am a transgendered woman. I will always be a transgendered woman. No amount of hormones, surgery, therapy or what else will change me from a physically-born-with-a-male-body person to a physically-born-with-a-female-body person. I chose my femme name, Paula, because it connects me with Paul. I do not feel that I can disconnect from the past without somehow saying I have no past. Where I came from is who I am today. Despite the struggles and abuses, the suppression and guilt, I am me because of Paul. My future steps as Paula are continuations of that journey, not one that is starting over. So, symbolically, I continue my journey based on the existing one, Paula continues from Paul.
I am a rainbowed gender person. I change like the seasons, and the tides. There are so many facets to a person, even beyond gender expression. - feminine female
- masculine female
- masculine male
- effeminate male
- butch female
- femme female
- jocks
- athletic
- studious
- timid, shy, on and on . . .
. . . and these can be all one person. Sexuality is similar, I have been asked if I am attracted to males. I often don't know, because I have not particularly had many male friends to begin with. And what does my transgenderism mean in my present relationship? We at times kid around about me being a heterosexual-lesbian. I read an interview with Anne Heche (Ellen Degeneris' partner) where they asked if she considers herself to be lesbian or thought of herself that way. Her answer was that she looks for relationships based on the person and who they are, regardless of gender. What a wonderful response to an often tiring debate - if you are one, you cannot be the other.
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