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Paula's Online Journal
15 Sep 1998 - Blending, Spending
This is a family weekend at the coast. I take a short moment of time just after sunset to myself. I find a nice log to sit on, bracing myself against the strong, cold North wind. As I sit here, I am overcome by a strong feeling that I truly am Paula. This despite my outwardly male presentation, which is itself blurred by the fact that I am not really wearing male clothes. I suppose I should describe my dress, 6-pocket shorts, large tshirt, jeans jacket and cap.
The feeling is strong, I cannot say why, there is no particular reason. I am me, inside and out. Maybe it's the vast beauty in front of me that inspires me to follow my nature, to feel my true self. Just as a picture or painting could not begin to capture all that I am seeing, words are so powerless to communicate what I am feeling now.
Nature has always played an important role in my life, she has been my guide, my friend, my temple. When I am over-stressed and totally drained, she helps to clear my mind, to open my heart and see what's inside. She is a role model in some ways - despite what the world says she must do or how they try to control her, Nature follows her path, remains true to herself. Wouldn't it be so nice if I could do that just a little?
I imagine how I appear to others, a bit feminine? I think about living between the roles of female and male - how do you really do it? And which is the "real" person?
Elizabeth asked me about Carol (name changed to protect her privacy), who is a post-op TS. She originally met her while buying shoes for our son, Evan, in the children's shoe department of a local department store. She really liked the service she received, so much so that she will go to the other store where Carol has transferred. Anyway, when I asked Elizabeth the name, I recognized it as the person Patti (my electrologist) wanted me to meet. I asked Elizabeth some questions about her to make sure, then told her that she is a post-op transsexual. Today, she asked me about what I had thought about Carol when I saw her at one of the clubs performing her drag routine. I was impressed with C.'s looks and how she was able to wear "so little." This due to my narrow experience and understanding of drag shows. I do and did see her as female, without question. When I first told Elizabeth about Carol she said, "You would never know."
I do not normally write about Elizabeth here, as I do not feel I can interpret nor that I know what or how she is thinking or feeling. The small talk we had reminds me that she does have questions, probably a lot of concerns and does have a big stake in where I am and where I am going. I also appreciate that she was willing to talk to me about this.
Hard not to think about being here as Paula, externally. Watching women walking on the beach, in the stores, everywhere - why can't I? I am fearful of walking around too much without shoes on in case someone notices my nail polish. Later, I am a little braver, how many people really "notice?" Ah, what it must be like to wake up, and there you are, just you, no big deal, no big sweat. Sometimes, some things would be nice to be able to take for granted if only for a little while...
14 Sep 1998
Spending
Wow! Spending lot's of time designing, re-designing and more fine-tuning web site. I think it helps me to not think about things, to escape and create. Probably also allows me to drift into a little obsessive-compulsive  .
Feeling adrift, floating in a fog, I know my friends and family are out there, but it is hard to see them, touch them. The fog of life can make it hard to see who is who and what is what, it is all a blur. Meeting so many new people, how to stay in touch, to let them all know I am thinking about them. I do not particularly like "global" letters, but I can see why so many people use them. I wish to make personal connections as well, though. I fantasize about having a vacation to catch up and write to each of my friends.
Tomorrow evening is the next NWGA meeting, this time close to home, practically in my neighborhood. I have been by the restaurant many times. I am planning on officially joining and in making a final decision as to running for Newsletter editor. Looking forward to going, the fear and trepidation is less. One of the things that makes these meetings so nice is that I am totally acknowledged as Paula, that is the only person most of them have ever known, and that I have known them. Acknowledgement, what a wonderful gift.
Well, it is getting late, I am rambling, rambling moving into incoherent. Oh, yeah, a pretty neat thing, I have met another wonderful lady for the second time. We actually have met before under very different circumstances. The world gets smaller and smaller.
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