Paula's Online Journal
10 Nov 1998 - Halloween, Reality, Friends

Needing a break from the heaviness of life, I have spent some time focusing on Halloween and fun. I made some little trips to complete my costume. I confirmed Halloween night out with Jane, after spending the early evening with my family. She is looking forward to going out and we may even have talked her husband into joining us.

It took a few trips to find the right shoes to give me that "period" look for my outfit, plus something that I could wear again. I found a very nice pair of Enzo Angiolini's - lace, pointed-toe, 2" heel. (10 Nov 1998, I am waiting for my prints yet for scanning.) I'm fretting a bit about creating some cleavage as the dress is low-cut, how to keep those forms from showing?

In between family, work, planning for Halloween and thinking about my level of involvement with the T* community I decided to upgrade my web pages. (Well, gosh, it has been all of a few months since the last face lift) I just need that sense of value and accomplishment, satisfaction, pleasure.

Slowly, I have been meeting more new friends, Hi Karenanne, Pamela Ann, August and Maya. My world is expanding, my contacts more diverse. I have come to know how important all my friends are and just how special they really are.

Oh, yeah, during the Matthew Shepard events, I made some very big steps - fading now to flashback mode ...

I am struggling, what to do, who to talk to? I am filled with anger, filled with a sense of wanting to fight back against all who oppress others. I have just had a very emotional couples session where I felt even more oppressed over being who I am, because of someone else's discomfort. I must give myself, and others, a voice. A voice that says we DO exist, that we are human beings entitled to the same right to life as everyone. Who else can I urge to support the Hate Crimes Prevention Act? Who else do I know? I decide to contact some close friends, who do not know about Paula. I will also come out to them, to give them a "face" to the people that are being brutally treated.

This is scary, I feel so much emotion. I write about Matthew and the Hate Crimes Protection Act. Then, I begin, fingers clicking away at the keyboard, the emotions going from deep in my heart to the screen. I am thinking, "They have all known me for a while, we have shared some very emotional times and have connected on emotional levels." I am nervous, anxious, afraid. These are my inner circle friends, if I lose them, who is left? With great trepidation I press the Send button. My need to speak has overcome my fear, I am beginning the fight against those that would have us remain invisible, so they can remain comfortable.

Will anyone write back? How will they take it? What are they thinking? I am nervous, but I am also growing. My mind is going through all kinds of images, scenes. Slowly, over the next week I start getting return emails. In all, all but one would write back. These truly are very special friends, that distance cannot weaken. I am so glad I have them in my life and that they have taken the risk to let me into their hearts. You all know who you are - Thank you, I love you.

My head has been lifted just a bit more, I have taken back a little more emotional turf. I strengthen my sense of belief that the more we are silent, the more "they" are able to claim victory. The more we are visible, the more people become aware that we are everyday people the less power "they" have - and that really scares them!

... fading back to the present. Okay, I'm back. Halloween, it was the best of times, it was the worse of times. My evening with Jane was great. When I arrived at their home, Terrance and Jane were in awe, very impressed with my "costume." After our greetings and some initial, 'Turn around,' viewing, it was time for picture taking. For the next 20 to 30 minutes Jane and I (mostly I) posed, posed and posed. We used different backdrops around their home to create the right atmosphere, plus a few props.

Unfortunately, Terrance would not be able to join us. Jane and I headed out. It has been a while for me, so nice. As we walk up, there is a line forming to get in, seems like a lot of people not in costume. We wonder how long it will take to get in. Wow, once inside it is like crowded, I mean crowded. I start to worry I will not be able to find Karenanne, who is in town for the weekend and is a new web friend. We attempt to walk through trying to see Karenanne. Not too easy, people everywhere (we would not connect this time - sorry Karenanne).

Back to the dance bar, we proceed to enjoy the music and dance. I discover the disadvantages of a long cape, everyone, including myself, steps on it. I adapt by holding the lower corners. After a long while we take a break to get a drink. The bartender is sooo nice, he treats me to my 7up (I don't drink). Jane and I go into the cabaret (drag show) section to watch. We are there for quite a while, I continue to look around for Karenanne.

Tonight seems like there are lot of hetero-couples, plus less extravagant costumes. I figure it is because Ember's big costume contest was Friday night, the night before. Anyway, I was constantly amused by the couple standing behind us, who were constantly attempting to figure out who was a genetic female, and whether she (he) had "it" cut off, because "you cannot hide it that well." Yep, we have a ways to go.

Jane and I were there till closing and we both had a wonderful time - we both got to do what we do not normally and just "let loose." Thank you Jane.

I needed this wonderful evening of escape, fun and self-expression. Earlier I had a most devastating experience that really opened my eyes to myself. To spend as much time with Evan and to make adjusting to my costume easier, I gathered up my things and did my dressing at home. Once ready, he was just fine - last year by just showing up he took about an hour to become comfortable. Well, we answered the door a few times, mostly kids from other neighborhoods and only one, "Who are you suppose to be?" I did this a little last year, so I was feeling pretty okay, plus after all it is Halloween.

Maybe I am just so close to my emotions these days, maybe my life issues are really weighing on me. Whatever it is, the next happening really, really hit me hard. Evan and I answered the door, there were the 8 girls who live within a few houses of us and who all play with Evan. There was the instant "Trick or Treat" then silence. I could see the shock and surprise on their faces as they realized who was holding Evan (none of my neighbors know nor have they seen Paula). Once the shock wore off, just a few seconds, a couple of them started in with their little girl, wild laughter, soon followed by the others. This went on for several minutes (though it might as well have been forever for me). One of the older girls (about 9-11 years old, the oldest) said, "You look different."

The one parent, male, that was taking them around was brought up to the door to see and his response was, "OH my GOSH!" After several minutes of confusion and handing out candy, they were off and I could "take off the happy face." My heart had dropped, my spirit dragged across the floor. There was definitely no intent on their part to harass or hurt. They were just having fun in the spirit of Halloween and figured I was too. What I felt, was me, it was the deep demon inside that I had been taught to fear and run away from. In those moments I saw my life - past, present and future. I saw my worst nightmare. It was like those movies where someone is being laughed at, the wide-angle faces moving in and out, laughing, laughing, laughing and there is no where to run and hide.

I could only say to Elizabeth, "This is my life." I could not deal with the door stuff any more this evening, I really had to focus to gain back some composure, to forge ahead and go out. I did take Evan out for a little walk along the street, a few people out, no big deal. The air was nice, the being outside was nice, calming, embracing.

A few days later Evan and I saw two of the girls out and we played with them. They came up saying they saw me wearing a dress and I had long, straight hair. I said are you sure, maybe you were hallucinating because you ate too much candy. Life goes on. I wonder if they told their parents, if they told their other friends at school. I wonder just how would they be to find out it is not about Halloween?

Fall, it is definitely a season of changing and preparing.

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