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Paula's Online Journal
22 Oct 1998 - Wonderful Friends, Opening up, Deeper Commitment
Spirits lifting, experiencing the love of wonderful friends, forming a deeper commitment to myself and in a greater sense to others. The Matthew Shepard tragedy has opened up a stronger commitment to speak up, to advocate and to support all minorities. I see so clearly that our battles are not so separate, that the issues are not so unique. The biggest issue we face is intolerance, ignorance and hate.
I have begun to take a greater role in helping to ensure as many people as possible know what is going on in our world. I have signed up to many email lists, passing on what seems important to all. I know how I have felt to find out about something after the fact, to find out that someone had seen "that before." I no longer assume that others get the same information. I look forward to taking on the role of Newsletter Editor for NWGA, to actively be a part of building a support system to allow and to encourage others to give voice to their hearts.
I had high hopes that our voices would speak loud enough for passage of the Hate Crimes Protection Act. That enough supportive politicians would force the narrow-minded few to finally follow their constituents priorities. I was deeply disappointed, but I suppose not surprised. They lived up to my expectations. It confirmed why I struggle with politics, a system that seems to operate so contrary to my own moral and ethical philosophies. I will continue to display the Human Rights Campaign call for support and my little ribbon on my pack until we have a Hate Crimes Protection Act in place so everyone is protected from the violence and hate.
I, personally, think it is so unfortunate that we have to explicitly list a people or group in order for them to be included in protection, be it hate, discrimination or whatever. My own heart knows that everyone has the same right to freedom, home, personal safety from violence. I am appalled that there a those that take advantage of current law, just because someone is not listed, then they feel it is okay to harass, fire, violate. What does that say for "civilized" people they claim to be?
Sorry, I'll get down off my soap box now. In expressing my support of the Hate Crimes Act, I made a plea to many friends. To fully express the importance to me, I also came out as transgendered to some dear friends. I was scared, nervous and anxious. They have known me for some time and have been very close. In my heart I hoped they would remain friends. This is the first time for me to really come out to my inner circle friends. The risk was very high. I knew that not everyone checks email as often as I do, that it may take some time for them to process what I had just confided to them. The knot in my tummy was pretty tight.
I focused on our local vigil, meeting my friends Kim, Patti and Erika. I would have liked to see more people, more personal speaking. We heard strong support from the various minority organizations, Cascade Aids Project, Basic Rights Oregon, from former governor, Barbara Roberts, from act co-sponsor, Ron Wyden, even Gordon Smith. All supporting the end to the violence and hate.
Later, I found out one of my friends I came out to was there, though we did not see each other. I left glad I had friends there for support. I was glad I was there to support. I also felt a need to have my own ceremony, my own good-bye to Matthew. To honor his life, then to move on to the bigger issues. My book entry, A Sense of Grieving, is my good-bye.
Over the next few days, my friends wrote back. I am blessed to have them in my life. They have given me something no one can take away, love. I thank them and feel honored to know them. The feeling is beyond words.
At the last NWGA meeting (this past Tuesday) Lori and I finally got to re-meet in person. She spoke to the club about It's Time ORegon!, about community, about communities, about growing in self-dignity, self-respect and the right to be who we are. I felt quite emotional as she spoke, knowing and feeling the struggle she has endured, the courage and strength she has shown to not only be herself, but to also speak up for us, for all sexual/gender minorities, even within our own communities. It is such an honor to know her, to have her as a friend. We share some very personal philosophies.
Getting to the lighter stuff, I had a very nice experience at a local store close to home. I was buying some miscellaneous things, including some nail polish for Halloween. As I was writing the check, the young cashier asked me, "How do you get your nails so long?" I said I have pretty thick nails and held out my hand. She held hers out and said she has very thin nails. We talked about vitamins and nail hardeners. Just a "regular" conversation. What a neat feeling, just to be, to be treated as a person. My spirit was lifted. I think that not only was she not shocked, but I think it is also that I was not surprised nor was I defensive or avoiding about it. Both our comforts helped to make each at ease and create a very friendly interaction. (Maybe there's something to both sides taking responsibility?)
I would like to really, really thank all my wonderful friends for being there, for putting up with my emotional outbursts and anguish. I could not have done it without all of you! You are forever in my thoughts and in my heart.
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