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Paula's Online Journal
13 Jun 1998 - Marching with Pride
I have registered to march in the GLBT Pride parade. My wife and son will be there, too. I was telling my therapist, J.L., that I seem to do some things that put me "out", but at the same time are relatively safe. We had also talked about the idea of being out on the web and the chance that someone who knows me will find my page. I said, part of me feels a little fear, but another stronger part says it's okay. It is one of those things that is sometimes easier to come out that way than having to tell them face-to-face.
I had hesitated about putting another release to the web, but, while working on my Thank You page, I really got emotional and had to take a crying break. Working on these web pages has been quite an emotional ride for me, so many memories coming back, some very emotional moments in my life. I cried of sadness, grief, joy, love, loss, gain.
I am also finding a great deal of happiness working on the creative aspects of my pages - designing and fine-tuning the art work, creating a pleasing background or link image. Plus to be able to "publish" it for others to enjoy has been rewarding.
I can really understand how people become so attached to their computer and communicating on-line. It is safe, anonymous, and one can be what one feels. And while there are those that lurk and hide, virtual wolves in sheeps' clothing, there are also many more sincere, honest, and lovely people. I have met some, with some outside the transgendered community, who have become new friends, miles away. While it has been some adjustment, I am able to leave the mask off and fully be Paula. However, I also do not have to change at all personality-wise, as I had learned long ago, I am who I am. I actually find myself thinking about not being too feminine as opposed to being more masculine.
Feeling a little anxiety as I plan for another first. I am meeting a new TG friend for dinner tomorrow evening. I have not ever been out socially as Paula. What to wear, will I get my coverup makeup on okay, how long will it take me to "perfect" my look, will I be obvious, will I get out the door with little hassle? I am looking forward to this next adventure. We have chosen common TG friendly restaurant with off-street parking. That helps. Step-by-step. I'll be meeting someone I have only talked to over the phone, but we met through Patti, my electrologist, so I trust her judgment and I know Teri must be a very nice person.
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