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Paula's Online Journal
11 Oct 1998 - Coming Out and Comfort
More steps, courage, self-acceptance, pride and fun.
I had a most wonderful first experience shopping the other day! Following a upbeat session with my therapist, I decided to wander down to an alternative store to see if I could get some ideas for Halloween. It was a cool, cloudy morning and very few people seemed to be out, considering it was the lunch hour. I had noticed this store many times as I drove to my appointment and had been wanting to see what they had. (Just a reminder, that to date, I have always shopped in guy-mode) I was very pleasantly greeted and took a quick stroll around, then started back again at the front of the store.
They had rubber and vinyl, velour, short, long, pants tops, corsets, shoes, cuffs, collars, jewelry and, of course, shoes. I saw a couple of dresses, one was neat, but way too revealing for this body. I saw another one titled, "Victorian," that caught my eye. I kept that in mind and looked around some more. If I am looking for "heels" I know where to go! I did find a cute spaghetti strap dress in the $10 rack. I picked it up and went back to the velour/velvet Victorian dress.
Carrying both with me now, I continued to look around. By this time a couple of other people had come into the store, then left again. I was feeling pretty good and enjoying exploring this store. One of the two sales clerks came up and asked if I wanted to try them on. Whoa! (Well, what the heck I thought) I told him sure and he took them to the dressing room, while I looked around a little bit more. As I headed to try them on, he said to let him know if I needed another size and he would get it for me.
A dream, fantasy, a wish come true. I finally am doing what I have only imagined, doing what has seemed so far out of my reach - trying on clothes. No odd looks, no behind the back chuckles. Pure, honest "hey no problem, you are okay." I happily tried on both dresses. There was a little nervousness, but mostly a huge, big, tremendous sigh that I am finally doing what is just natural - making sure the clothes fit and feel right before I buy them. I had to go up a size in one dress, the other was just fine.
I took my selections up and he asked, "All set?" I said yes and the other sales clerk wrote up my purchase. I told him their store had some great stuff. We talked some more about Halloween being like Christmas for them. He also said they get some really fun stuff in this time of year. I have a fun, new place to shop and enjoy. I left happy, a little more prideful, and acknowledged that I can be who I please.
On the opposite side of the scale I was with my son, Evan, and we were at one of the "hot" downtown malls. We had been exploring his favorite past-time, watching construction vehicles at the various construction sites. I wanted to check out a specialty shoe store. I saw a pair I had been wanting and fortunately they were not busy. (Evan is not typically the shopping child type - constant motion and exploration does not allow for much true shopping) I found the pair and asked the sales clerk if she had them in a size 10. She said they should and went to the back to check. I kept Evan's attention while we waited. She brought them out and openned the box. Yep, those were the ones I wanted. I said I would take them.
I was really touched by what happened next. She said, "Are you sure? I mean..." I said, "Yes, I actually have the black pair, so I know they fit." She said okay and we closed the sale. She said to be sure to hold onto the receipt just in case. Wow, another person really wanting to make sure I was pleased with my purchase. But, I wandered again what it was that made it that obvious that the purchase was for me? Was it that they do not get many "men" coming in alone to buy a pair of women's shoes? Is it my increasingly femininely androgynous appearance? Is there some kind of aura? Whatever it is, it feels really good to know that if I had had the time, I could have tried them on and that I was being treated with such respect. I am starting to build a good list of people that I will return to for my personal sales needs. More than product, service is a very important piece to me.
What a self-accepting, self-acknowledging experience to not have to say they are a gift, or to constantly be asked if I would like a gift box. Much more than gaining their respect for my honesty and straightforwardness, I am overcoming a lot of the shame and guilt that has kept me from the life I deserve.
One size 10 step for Paula, one size 1000 step for Paula's emotional spirit.
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