Paula's Online Journal
20 Nov 1998 - More Friends
Gosh, has it really been a month? HHHHellllppp. Stop the bus! Work and family have kept me busy, our son just turned 2 and I keep trying to make this site better. Sleep? Oh, once in a while.
I have met another new friend, Pamela Ann Reed. She is just starting her Real Life (yes, I have excluded test on purpose) and I am very happy for her. (Visit my friends page for a link to her site). I am touched by the wonderful and loving people I have met on my journey.
I have felt a bit isolated at the same time. Many friends have been busy with their work, family and other obligations. I miss those connections. I have had some nice experiences socially and some a bit more risky. I have had three more encounters by female sales clerks asking about my nails. "How do I keep them long. Did I have them professionally manicured." I pretty much feel at ease talking to them about it. There is no shock, no judgments. I sometimes wonder what they might think if Paula came in versus "that other guy."
My mind gets in a tizzy at times, feeling envious at times of my friends who are starting full-time or are recently post-op. I am so happy to see them finally getting to have their life, to be spending the energy taking care of themselves. I sometimes see that as one of the issues, that many are accepted as long as they are taking care of someone else, supporting another's need to be who they are - at the cost of loss of self-existence and value. I have heard many say to me that "This is who I am and I do not want to change," when we are dealing with a conflict between us. But there does not seem to be any lack of expressing a strong desire to tell me what I can or cannot do so as not to upset their comfort zone.
I often become upset and frustrated over this blind way of thinking. "Don't control me, but I get to tell you what is okay or not okay. I fully accept you - as long as you ..." I keep thinking to myself, when do I get to have my life?
I met some new friends at the last NWGA meeting and reconnected with some old friends. There is something about physical connection, presense that is so energizing. Community is a wonderful thing, so validating. Each time I go, I become more relaxed. Probably a good thing if I am going to be the Newsletter Editor, I suppose.
One of my goals is to spend more energy maintaining my connections. Even when miles away, there is a connection that is always there - I can feel them, see them, they are with me.
I very recently received an email back from Leslie Feinberg, yes, THAT Leslie. I had written after finding her web site to tell how much I have gotten from reading her books. S/he is a truly remarkable person whom I admire. It's kinda neat to know someone really famous. I especially admire her willingness to be available to us (much like Daphne Scholinski who published her email address in her book).
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