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Paula's Online Journal
15 Jun 1998 - Dinner Out with Teri
I can feel the tummy anxieties building. Last night I went through my closet looking for what to wear - casual, business, dressy, short, long, knee-length, light, dark? I look in the mirror, my what big arms you have. And those shoulders!?
Well, my nails are looking good, at least. Okay, then, the black pleated, knee-length skirt, black mock turtle-neck, black tights and my square-toed black 2" pumps. Hopefully the weather people are close and it will be cool with chance of rain.
From work, I make an extended trip and drive by the restaurant to check its parking situation and the exact location. Okay, I can handle that. Now all I have to do is get my makeup on to a comfortable level and somehow step out the door of the apartment. This is a little of a double-anxiety situation - first, I have to go into the hall and down a half flight of stairs. Then, the outside door opens directly onto the side walk where at least I was able to park right in front. I have done this before, but it has been a while, and if I don't stop thinking about it, I'll really get nervous -- breathe, breathe, breathe.
I sure hate my beard - that is the one area that frustrates me the most. But, other than that I am about as ready as I ever will be. I only have to get out the door and to the car. My tummy is well on its way, breathe; each time out the door is stepping into the great unknown. I cannot see out front until I am down the stairs at the front door. Even then, the view is limited as the door itself is in a four foot alcove. -- I can do this, really.
In some ways this feels like going on a first date, the only difference this time is that I feel like I am going out with the world, nothing like a little pressure. The makeup seems to be setting in now, looking better, which is helping me to feel better. (Do you get the idea my mind has a mind of its own sometimes?). I think to myself, okay, relax, feel comfortable, confident, just like you do at other times; just be; feel okay inside and you will feel okay outside. Pretend, and act, that what other people perceive doesn't really matter anyway. As J.L. keeps asking me, "What's the worst thing that could happen?"
Well, it's just about time now (7:05pm) to head out, feeling a bit more relaxed, getting this stuff down helps. Patti called, make appointment for electrolysis, plus she is busy matching me up with another TG sister to march in the Pride Parade with.
11:30pm, I have returned home - happy, elated, feeling wonderful. Thank you Patti and thank you Teri. I take my final deep breaths and open the door. Down the stairs, out the front door and into my car. It's been a while since Paula has ventured out. Into the parking lot, there is a few people, but otherwise "clear". Time to leave the safety of the car and walk through the parking lot to the restaurant. I pass a woman leaving, she looks at me, I smile, no response, okay. I enter, look around, then wait. I am greeted warmly and asked how many - two. I ask if Teri is here yet, no. I am seated, then wait.
I am a little nervous, but it is easing a bit. There's a few people inside. A few minutes later Teri arrives and we begin an evening of sharing stories of outings, childhood adventures, and some current living arrangements. I learned a lot about Teri and how she gave herself freedom of expression. I sat admiring her courage to go out and shop and do things. We also talked about shoes, nails, clothes. Another new and wonderful friend to share and explore with.
Part of the time I think about how I am feeling - different, about the same? I am still a bit conscious of my voice, a little about my makeup, but mostly I feel like . . . me. I am out, enjoying wonderful companionship, good food, getting to dress up a little, and no one hassles me (as I have imagined over and over). I like this.
Life is good, time for sleep.
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