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Paula's Online Journal
21 Jun 1998 - Pride 1998- 20-21 Jun 1998
Though tired, I woke the day after my dinner with Teri feeling very good. Each step I take, moves me closer to how I have imagined life might be like experiencing the world fully as Paula. Every day, I wonder how it feels to wake and say, "I feel like wearing ..." and just doing it; no thoughts about what others think or say, or even thinking that others might be so repulsed because I am being so different. Our dinner and the after glow is helping to carry me to my next step.
Teri and I made initial plans to get together again after she returns from a trip. I received a warm and touching letter from her after she visited my web site - looking forward to our next outing!
Well, I am preparing for my second "big" outing in a week - I am participating in this year's Pride Parade. I will be joining the local group, Northwest Gender Alliance, meeting another new person, Elaine. I have gone through my closet, I just cannot decide what to wear. Comfortable casual, dressy, Sunday-ish, UGH! How will others be dressed, this is a parade after all? My first idea is simple, a beige long jumper over a blue-grey mock turtle-neck and black casual shoes. Too "normal"? I try an above the knee black jumper, so,so. After a few changes of hoisery and tops, I try on a black v-neck top and my red plaid skirt with black tights and 2" pumps. Okay, it will be either this, or my original jumper - we will see in the morning.
A bit nervous, but I try not to think about it too much. My wife, Elizabeth and son, Evan, will not be able to join me in the parade itself - his nap and eating schedule is the least predictable during the same time the parade is to run. Plus, the total time to get to the start, assemble, march and then end is a lot of time for a child who needs to be constantly active. We may be able to meet up afterwards. Even though we still have a ways to go in dealing with my transgenderism in our relationship, I am grateful that she allows me the space and time to explore and knows that I am the same person no matter what my external physical appearance is. Restless sleep, mind worrying about what to wear, how will I look, how will I get from parking garage to start point? Time to think about something else. Morning arrives at 6:00am, alarm going off, drift back to sleep, now it's 7:00am, time to start the preparations. Shower, close shave - sure be glad when facial hair has all been zapped. Last night, feeling bold, paint nails red.
Now back to what to wear, it is going to be an 80° plus day. Black feels like too hiding, not to mention very warm. Okay, what light colored coverups can I wear. More thrashing through the closet - now I really have a mess to straighten up - finally deciding on my jeans skirt, cotton tank/sweater set (white), nude hose and black pumps. Makeup time, start early and begin. Try to keep it toned down without looking like I have only coverup on. Some mascara, day-time eye shadow, touch of blush, and lipstick. Okay, about as ready as I ever will be, it's 9:00am and I have about an hour before I leave. My mind wanders into the worry state and I can feel it in my tummy. I turn on the TV to distract, but it only helps a little. I check the mirror, is there a hint of beard? Am I wearing okay clothes, how many people will I pass on the way to the car, then how will I walk the 8 blocks from the parking garage to where I am to meet Elaine and other NWGA folks?
Mantra time, breathing time ...
Wow! What a day! I chicken out of parking at Front and Davis and park near the parade start at Broadway and Couch. I am early though, so I just sit in my car and watch. Lot's of people, lot's of color, will I recognize Elaine? I do not see anybody hanging around the parking lot yet. At about 10 past 11:00am I decide I should go stand in the shade at one end of the parking lot. A few deep breaths and I am off. I am alone for a while, a small group arrives and are talking about this is where they are suppose to meet. I see a few other people come and go. I get nervous, I start thinking if I do not see someone and the parade starts, I may opt to head home.
Well, Elaine did show up and others started trickling in - whew, some quick introductions and some more waiting for our car and registration position, then we are off to get the car in line. So many people, but I am now feeling much more relaxed. In all we would number about 21 people marching in the NWGA contingent. The weather is great, the spirits are high, it's time for us ...
 The conscious thought that I can be whomever I choose overrides the sub-conscious fear of all those people and I begin to relax and get into the whole celebration feeling. I am riding in the car, waving at the cheering crowd, being in a place that has always been at the bottom of my "I just have to do this" list. I am feeling better and better all the time, what better way to have a coming out then to have so many people cheering you on! My arm is getting tired from waving, my lips dry, my smile bigger, my heart warmer, the emotions rising. The crowds get bigger and bigger as we near Pioneer Square. When we are on Salmon nearing Front Ave I feel a well of emotions rising and I nearly start to cry. All the cheering, smiling, whooping and waving touches me deeply. To be who I am and have such a reception is so validating, accepting, so far from what I had known in my childhood days.
NWGA - Thank you, to all who shared this wonderful day, thank you. On Naito Prkwy (Front Ave) Patti was there cheering us on - THANK YOU Patti! By the time we reach the end, my concern of what people think or how they might react is very, very, very small. I wander through the festival site, and rest a while at the Trans-Port/NWGA booth. I see an old friend, Micah, and then I decide to make my way home - to see Elizabeth and Evan. I walk through Saturday Market, down the street and I am feeling very good. I see Elaine, Corrine, Dee Dee, Roz, Robin and someone I had not met at a pub and they invite me in. I visit a while to enjoy their company and thank them for allowing me to be a part of their group. They congratulate me on my first time out. Time for me to go, I walk the 5 blocks to my car and only a couple of Hispanic guys crossing the street say anything, "Excuse me sir." This type of confrontation played havoc in my imagination, today I just walk on and they cease to exist. They do not matter. What a big change and wonderful feeling I have today and they cannot take that away!
Back home, I do not worry so much about who might be out to see me and I go in to clean up then head to my "family" home to celebrate Father's day. I am happy and tired and I share my experience with Elizabeth, the emotions, the people. I let her know how grateful I am that I have this freedom and that she was ready to join me today. She tells me that I have impressed a lot of people today - in choosing to participate.
There a lot of people who have helped me reach this day. I have my fears, but I have also learned that these fears are not all about today, but about my past. Knowing this empowers me to push myself a bit more each time. I felt a lot of anxiety and hovered near fear. But I also knew that I was joining others in community, that I was choosing a day and environment that was in celebration of gender and sexual diversity. I am glad I did, I cannot describe the emotional high - far greater than my Halloween night out. To be out during the day, walking among life, just being me and feeling safe is special and memorable. Tonight I sleep peaceful, restful, and very happy. Would I do it again? Yes.
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