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Paula's Online Journal
11 Jul 1998 - Post-Parade, Growing
Hard to believe July is almost half over, time to catch up. A bit difficult maintaining this on-line journal in addition to my regular paper journal. I reveled in my post-parade high, that feeling of inner peace. I imagine life full-time as Paula, the freedom to no longer think about what I cannot wear, the freedom to just be me, always. I have replaced some negative self with some very positive self, and this has carried me to feeling more at ease with myself and my contacts with others.
I confidently respond, "yes," when the cosmetics person asks if the purchase is for me; I ask for a slip to go with this dress I have brought in and feel comfortable, relaxed. I feel more at ease and friendly toward the sales people when shopping for a skirt or other clothes. All this is done "en drab". I very, very seldom worry about someone noticing my manicured nails, even to the point my neighbor has seen me bare foot several times - I always have a pink/red toe nail polish on.
I have registered into the TransGenderRing Web ring of Laura S. Potter. It is kind of nice to see nearing 1000 visitors since May 15th, gratifying. So, I now am linked into the GeoCities TG Directory, GeoCities WestHollywood, and the TransGendeRing. I have also sent an email to Above & Beyond. I struggle with filling in all the description of my site fields. I think about why I have put this site together? To open the doors, to have a moment to freely express my thoughts and emotions, to share my emotional story, to show that I am a regular human being. I am very shy and timid, writing allows me much greater freedom than speaking and expressing.
I watched a re-run of Ally McBeal. The show involved a person in legal troubles, who is a boy dressed as a girl, Stephanie/Stephen. She is under 18 years old, and is up for a third offense for solicitation. I admire the show for presenting this issue. The show presented this issue with a good deal of respect and realism. They had the words Transvestite Fetishism and Gender Dysphoria. The actor, Marcus Wilson, was very beautiful, I'm envious. She is spared jail time by using these mental classifications and provided she has a job. Ally hires her into the firm. But, she returns to the street and is killed by a john who becomes upset after discovering she is not a genetic female - too predictable. I was disappointed that the show chose to free up the show's characters and the viewers by eliminating a TG person by the end of the show. I was also saddened by their need to portray her as a prostitute by night and that she would die by that "choice."
I met another TG, Sarah Fox, by researching the show's star on Fox's Ally McBeal forum page. The world is opening up, expanding, and becoming brighter.
I have noticed some of my fears related to contacting strangers, whether in person or over the phone is significantly less. Feels good to be freeing myself of unnecessary burdens. I think this has been coming through as well, as the people I have met or been in touch with have seemed more friendly - be and seek and ye shall receive. I feel like I am now giving as much as I am receiving in terms of my connections with my friends. While I am still learning and growing, I have also been asked by others to listen, share my views and feelings, or offer resources or references. I am liking this!
As I have become more comfortable with myself, with who I am, I am freer to relax and share more with others, to connect, to hear them better. I am more willing to take risks. Oh, yeah, speaking of risks, I faced a particularly tough decision recently and while I still feel loss, okay a little guilt - but very little, I feel very good about it. I had made a web connection with another Asian in the mid-west. We had been corresponding for about a month, sharing family histories, Japanese culture and backgrounds, and about our family life. She is a genetic female. In her last letter she asked about my husband and what he does. Drats, the time I thought would come had arrived.
What do I say, do I come out to her, do I create a "husband?" I thought about this for a week, I even wrote a paragraph about my husband, making up a phony name. I read the paragraph once and knew I could not send that - it was not me. Okay, now what? I have been working on a coming out letter so I had some idea of what to write. I sent my coming out letter to her. I said I have really enjoyed and cherished our friendship, but rather than lie, I was willing to risk the end of our friendship by telling the truth. I have not heard back. I am sad, I feel like I have lost a dear friend, even though we had known each other only a short time. But, I also feel okay - I was honest, open, and know that not everyone can deal with the issue of transgenderism. I also told myself that this was a bit of a practice run in terms of coming out.
I look forward to my next outing, to spreading my wings. I smile.
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