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Paula's Online Journal
14 Oct 1998 - Grief, Pain, Anger, and Action
These past few days have me very emotional and unable to really focus. The news of the beating and eventual death of Matthew Shepard hit hard and deep. The pain was tremendous, bringing me to tears. I was shocked, left in a state of horror and disbelief, of anger and incomprehension.
I followed the news via the web. I checked back regularly and when the late news came of Matthew's passing, I cried some more. I was also confused. Why was I so affected? I have kept up on many hate beatings and murders, of senseless attacks. What connection did I have with Matthew? Others shared my sense of horror and rage, but they seemed to be doing better than I.
I wanted as many friends as I knew to know what was happening/happened. I forwarded all the information I could to everyone, even if they already knew. Following his death, I had to wander about emotionally for a while.
Tuesday was also the evening I would meet Teri and Patti for dinner. I almost cancelled, not wanting to "bring down" the evening. I decided to go, to share my feelings and to enjoy the company and friendship that is very important to me. We had a very nice time, the evening all too soon coming to an end. As I drove home, I was struck by the thought that this evening, I had thought very little about what others might say, very little about what others thought as I left my apartment and as I entered the restaurant. Somehow, my anger had boosted my feeling of not wanting to hide, of not letting "them" control what I did or how I expressed myself as me. Thank you Teri and Patti for being there more than you know.
When I made it back home, I caught up on the latest information. I checked all my email lists and visited related web sites. I then, for the first time, wrote an email to our state representative and sentors, urging the passing of the Hate Crimes Protection Act. I wrote emails to the people who have been maintaining the Matthew Shepard resources site. I sent additional email to my friends. I blacked out my web site, early, in remembrance. I made a pledge to attend the memorial this weekend, even in my "guy-mode," since this is an issue of support and memorial.
I've had two therapy sessions this week, which have helped. But it did not seem to be enough. I had to do more, something of value. I will carry the 3-peace ring ribbon, I created an additional ribbon for my web pages in symbolism and memory. I forwarded information to our local GLBT newspaper, to several NW Gay web sites and to the TG and West Hollywood web directors. This, in hopes that many, many people would show support and black out their sites on October 16th, Matthew's funeral.
All this has helped. Having my friends has helped. The hateful energy scares me, and yet, I know that I cannot keep silent. I cannot keep my head in the sand and hope that someone else will take care of the problems for me. My silence and reluctance supports the wrong side, it in a way says they are right. That I am sick, that I should not be seen, let alone exist. I cannot claim instant courage, but I will not hide. We (GLBT) cannot be heard if we do not speak.
Time and love heals. Rest in peace Matthew . . . .
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