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Paula's Online Journal
06 Oct 1998 - Creating, Connecting, Carrying on
I have spent an inordinate amount of time updating my web page layout, including getting to finally put in some pictures. This has been very rewarding for me, since I have had these ideas for some time and I find it pretty frustrating to not be able to move forward at times. A great big thank you to Patti for letting me spend time using her scanner and computer!
I am quite pleased overall and learned a lot about scanning, image editing, and more about JAVA and HTML. It's also pretty cool to see my pictures from the web-point-of-view. To know that "I am out THERE." So far, the comments have been extremely kind and have really been great to receive. How often do we do "great" things, or create something we have a lot of pride in, and no one really notices or pays attention, or if they do, they do not say anything to us?
I am also learning to do more to acknowledge others, more than I have in the past. Sometimes just a little note can mean so much, you never know what kind of day someone is having. Well, I'll at least try. Hearing from others often makes a big difference in my day and how I feel before going to sleep.
Another fun project I have been working on is a design for the NWGA newsletter. While the voting has not actually happened, I am also aware that no one else has submitted a nomination. Amy has been a tremendous help in offering her time and experience, thanks Amy. Once again, this has also given me the chance to learn another piece of software. It has a lot of nice production features, the down-side being it is a bit cumbersome and awkward to figure out.
In my Journal Page 7, I wrote about a new friend to whom I had come out. We have never met face to face, only through email and our Asian background. A short while back, we exchanged a few emails, but with family and such, it can be a little difficult at times. But, I was very happy to have heard back from her, I really enjoy our conversations and feel she is a friend. I very recently sent an email to say hi and see how she and her family were doing. I also sent my web site address if she was interested in learning more about me and transgenderism.
She wrote a short and simple note back that just made my day! She said that my being transgendered did not matter, that we still had a whole lot in common, including our cultural background and being parents. What a wonderful person she is. I also sent her a picture of Elizabeth and Evan.
Friends, I am very blessed to have met so many wonderful people. I wish I had the time to visit each one. Staying in touch keeps me busy, but it has also been worth it, though I should try to have more life not in front of the computer screen - especially a laptop at that!
I wonder what life would be like to wake up and not think about gender and the impact it has had on my life (I know, I've probably said this before). I often wake up, a bit hazy, and one of the first images to pop into my head is a particular outfit I would like to wear. Later after showering and all, reality sets in that I must, at least today, put on the drab mask that allows me to move about in the outside world. At least I know that no matter what I put on the outside, I am, and always will be, me on the inside; that helps.
The more I (Paula) am out, the harder it is to keep me hidden; the harder it is to give up the freedom so many take for granted.
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