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Paula's Online Journal
03 Sep 1998 - A Road Trip of Firsts
I am in emotional overload, which is not necessarily a bad thing. Talk about big steps outside the comfort zone! I smile as I recall the adventure I had with my friend Teri. We had finalized our plans to have female picture ID's made at an NWGA friend's place in a rural city of Oregon. We would drive down Saturday morning, have lunch afterwards.
My first worry was getting up in time to do my shower/shave routine, makeup, wig and dressing so that I was ready to go by 9:00am, talk about pressure. And, just to add to that, Saturday's around here can be busy with people with a Farmer's Market just a few blocks away. Plus, oh my gosh, this is the first time I have had someone by my apartment, which is usually in a constant state of organized mess! I obsess about who might be out, who might we pass in the hallway, worry, worry, worry.
I manage to get some sleep and wake up on time, sometimes my nervousness helps me to not sleep too heavily, so I hear the alarm. I manage to get my beard cover on fairly well and am ready with some time to spare. I can feel my tummy going as this time allows me to begin my fretting. Teri calls and is running a little late, no problem, though it does allow me more time to build up some really good anxiety. Teri arrives and I introduce her to my mess. We attempt a couple of pictures and then we are off. We want to make sure we are on time, but have no idea of how long it will actually take to get there.
There are a few people out, but being with Teri helps and we just walk to her car and we are off on our adventure. This is a big first for me, and once on our way I feel really great, free. Two friends out for a Saturday outing, what could be more natural? We have a very nice time chatting and enjoying the very beautiful summer morning. As we drive farther from the "big" city, the air seems to become clearer, fresher. It is very peaceful, quiet, a wonderful time of day to be out.
 We got a little lost, missing our road by about 6 miles. My navigation skills failed to interpret the directions quite right. The plus side was we were running way early, so we had time to make an adventure out of taking our pictures in the next little town. Talk about funny and scary at the same time. The first place we stopped was a definite "I don't think so." The city sign was in the middle of a just watered grass strip, along side the local tire shop - a little too far out of either of our comfort zones. Our first stop is a little shop that oozes small town, so we take our pictures in front of the big picture window. We managed to actually find a better sign on the other side of town and we could actually pull right up to it. We take our pictures and notice we have a little audience. On the other side of the road is an elderly lady sitting on her porch and on this side a woman is at the back of her house. What are they thinking? Who knows, does it matter, hardly. We finish and head back to our turn off.
 We find our friend's place and after a little worry when no one answers the door, I walk up the long driveway and am greeted by Carla. I call to Teri and we are introduced to Carla's partner. They are a fun and entertaining couple and I am really appreciative of them taking time out of their weekend to produce these ID's. Another NWGA lady arrives, Catherine (I apologize for any spelling errors) while Carla is setting up the ID forms on her computer. Once all the information has been entered and printed, we head up stairs for the pictures. A few shots later, there they are, not totally flattering, just like an ID should be. In my slight bit of nervousness and the big habit of nearly 40 years of signing my male name, I almost mis-sign my ID, wow, that was close.
Well, all the stories about Carla's shoes are .... true. Talk about a lot of shoes! As she puts it, having a supportive significant other makes a big difference. I really had a wonderful time, meeting Carla and her partner, enjoyed visiting in their home and felt so welcomed and accepted for just being me. We soon make our way back toward home, so Carla and her partner can get on with their weekend. Teri and I had initially talked about lunching in Salem, but we would have to do some back tracking and I really did not want to be out too long - family life was calling.
We decide the easiest lunch plan would be to find some place in Portland, finally deciding on Brasserie Montmartre. The factors being safe is nice, but so is good food. I internally prepare for what I think lays ahead - a very nice, summer day, in the middle of the day in downtown Portland (Or). This means, people, people, people. At the parking garage, one familiar to me since one of my therapists is near here and I always park here, we touch up our makeup and I take a few last deep breaths and we are out. We linger by a discount shoe store with some very inviting styles on display, past Nordstrom's, Pioneer Square and into Pioneer Place, Teri needs money. BIG first for me, I am constantly thinking my Adam's apple is sticking out like Mt. Everest and everyone can see it. On top of this, my darn sandal heel straps decide to do the gravity thing and I am constantly having to pull them up. I am trying to relax, not stress Teri out, but am feeling quite anxious - really glad Teri is here with me, she is so cool, thanks Teri.
We initially start to wander into Pioneer Place, but the crowds trigger my agoraphobic tendencies, I get really self-conscious, plus I am feeling like I should allow for some time to spend with my family. Teri is very supportive and we head back out, walking toward the Meier and Frank store, where she is interested in finding a bracelet. Once there, I think I have made her feel a little rushed, as she says we can skip going in for now and just head to the restaurant.
We walk past one table by the entrance with customers. I notice they look up, but do not have any sense that is anything other than the normal look when people pass by. Inside, we are greeted and seated. We are past the big lunch rush, so it is not crowded or noisy. There is a woman sitting at the next table over, whether she wonders or not, hard to say. I am always impressed with people who can eat in restaurants alone (more of that people/crowd thing). I am a fair amount nervous, but try to maintain with Teri and enjoy our visiting and lunch. Our server is nice, though for some reason, she seems to be very fast at keeping the table cleared - probably just my over curiosity or something. Again, she was very nice and courteous.
After lunch it's back to the car and home. Parking can be very difficult around the apartment and there is no off-street parking. We find a place, 1/2 block away. Well, Paula's first afternoon, in the middle of all these people, walk out. One of those things you always wish you could do - just be, like everyone else. Well, we (I) did it and not only survived, but I did have a wonderful time. After hugs, Teri is off to the beauty supply store, after first returning to get her sweater she had left behind.
I am in a bit of a daze, a little like I felt after the Pride Parade. I experienced a lot of emotions, faced a whole lot of demons and enjoyed a big bunch of freedom. I wonder what it would really feel like to be Paula and have the same level of comfort when I am walking around in "male" mode? I picture being out, holding my head in pride, believing fully in me and who I am, to present myself with confidence. I create this image as a self-building exercise, with the notion in the back of mind that "animals" can sense fear and trepidation. If I give in to the fear, then in some way, I am giving in to their idea of right and wrong, female and male, good and bad.
I am growing and I am becoming.
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