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Paula's Online Journal
25 Jul 1998 - Self-Assurance Grows
Spending time with my son, Evan, and Elizabeth I also spent a fair amount of time, and money, enjoying one of my favorite activities, shopping. Of course, most of my time was spent at Nordstrom's. My most memorable experience involved a sales person in the shoe department. Again, I currently always shop en drab (as male). I had been walking through the department, which in itself I was much, much, more relaxed and comfortable, and she came up and asked how I was doing. My normal response would have been, "Okay, I'm just looking." This time I said I was looking for shoes to go with a dress, which I had brought with me. I showed her the dress and she asked if I was looking for flats or heels. I said heels in the 2" range. Something in a bit dressy style. She said she had a pair in mind and showed them to me. Very nice Evan Picone, black, snipped toe. I asked if she had them in 10M and she went to get them.
When she returned, she again showed them to me and then asked if I wanted to slip one on or just take them with me. I responded that I would take them with me. What strikes me about this is that I did not hesitate acknowledging that they were in fact for me. I also wondered how she "guessed" they were for me? I imagined that I must have a more open, feminine aura and that she was able to pick up on this. Either that the shoe size seemed to be very close to what she thought I was wearing. Whatever it was, she was the best, very helpful, courteous, smiling and personable. I will go back and try and get a card, or at least her name to pass on to others. I also would sort of be interested to know if there is an area where I could actually try on shoes discreetly - wouldn't that be cool?! One more reason I really like shopping at the downtown Nordstrom's.
Recently attended the meeting of a new Trans group here. Only through the upbeat encouragement from Patti did I actually make it there. Even at that, I hesitated, fretted and feared before stepping out the door. The first obstacle I faced was the weather, much too warm to wear any of my long sleeve tops, drats. I found the longest short sleeve to minimize my arms and a long, tan jumper. Cream colored trouser socks round out the outfit. The next stresser was I had to park at the end of the block because there is only on-street parking at the apartment. With the weather, there is always a fair amount of people out these days. I do up as little makeup as possible and still feel comfortable, primarily foundation, coverup, light mascara and translucent lipstick. I still worried about being over-done or over-dressed, how will the others be dressed? Will they think I am trying too hard? What are they like?
My first attempt at leaving I panic, freeze and shut the door. I am bummed, wanting to go, but frozen with fear. Okay, breathe, think. Just get out the door, and relax and walk to the car. You can do this, you've done it before, most people will not even pay attention. Now, let's try this again - success. I get in the car and I am off, sigh.
I get to the meeting location, circle the block looking for a close parking spot - darn, none to be found. My second time around the block I see Patti and wave - well I feel better now, not so much alone. I park two blocks away, and begin my walk to the church. There is a group of people across the street, but as I figure, they pay no attention. I enter the room and see a few faces I recognize from the Pride Parade, Erica, Eva and Tiffany. There is Patti, I go over to say hi. Along the way I meet the others - Timmy Jane, Tara, Lynn, Tracy, Frank, Jessica and a couple others I was not introduced to. This is my first group meeting I have attended. This is a very new group, still struggling to define itself and its direction.
All in all this was another successful trip out. Especially so, since I am self-conscious of my muscular arms and I was wearing a short sleeve shirt. But, once again, people generally do not notice those details and once out, I proceeded to enjoy my freedom and the company of others. The group meets weekly and next week is a potluck social and bon voyage party for Tara, who is moving to California. At the end I walk out with Patti and Jessica and Frank. They all came in the same car. Now, I am much more relaxed and comfortable and enjoy being out and walking. Happily, I walk to my car and head home. A little nervous as I see another tenant as I drive up. He goes in enough ahead of me that we do not cross paths.
Paula is likin' this.
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